Please don't forgive me.
I don't deserve it. I really don't.
Don't feel sorry for me, don't say there's still hope for me because I know there isn't.
Don't tell me you know there's still some light in me, don't say you know I'm not too far gone. You don't know anything at all, you don't know me.
I'm such a terrible person, don't try to tell me I'm not. I don't want your pity, your sympathy, your false hope. So don't give it to me. It's not something I'm interested in taking.
And most of all, please don't lie and tell me you love me. That's not possible. Do you love ugly, dark and twisted things? Do you love grotesque, evil, blackened monstrosities? Do you love all the flaws you see in the darkest of hearts? Do you love the demonic creatures that live in the shadows? No, I didn't think so.
So please don't lie and tell me you love me, because by saying you do, you admit to loving all those things. You don't love everything that's wrong with the world, so you can't possibly love me.
If you ever see me walking down the street, you can stare if you want. I don't care. All I ask is that you please forget I was there. Forget I exist. Forget you ever saw me in the first place. I don't want to be remembered. I don't deserve that little space in your memory you hold me in. So forget me. Please.
There's only one person in my life who really matters to me, but she... She doesn't love me back. She doesn't have feelings for me, I don't think. How could such a lovely, beautiful creature express love for someone like me? It can't be possible. It just can't.
But oh, how I wish she did.
God knows she is the most beautiful ray of light I have ever layed eyes on.
Long, scarlet-red hair, perfectly straight, flowing down over her shoulders to her waist, framing her pale, radiant, diamond-shaped face. Slanted violet-purple eyes like two luminous moons set into her face, long lashes and a lively youthful sparkle within those two moons. Her lips are like two rose petals, delicate and pink, plump and soft. She's tall, with a slender, curvy figure. Deceptively strong. Gorgeous.
Everything about her is perfect.
Erza Scarlet.
But she'll never love me.
She forgives me, she's always telling me so. She doesn't care that I was such a horrible person. I killed people. I hurt them, tortured them, and then killed them. I tried to do the same to her, but she survived and escaped. And she forgave me. She doesn't care that I built a tower of heaven made up of the souls of all my victims in an attempt to overthrow the world. She's what stopped me from succeeding, but she still forgave me.
I don't deserve her forgiveness. I really don't. But she gives it to me anyway. And that, to me, is priceless because hers is the only forgiveness I'm willing to accept.
-
It was late one crisp autumn evening when it happened. I had been walking down the well-traveled dirt trail by the river, in the woods. The river bubbled and made soft sloshing noises as it flowed, the current not too strong. Dark blue water frothing white as it ran over hidden rocks. The trees around me were tall, with ash-gray wood, leaves gold and orange and falling to the ground.
I loved being out here. It was beautiful. Very few people came through here nowadays, it was a trail all but completely forgotten. Nobody was around to judge me, to stare incredulously at the sharply defined red tattoo shaped like two tongues of flame on my face, under and above my right eye. It was just me and the trees. And the river.
"Jellal?" a soft voice called from behind me.
I was so lost in the beauty of everything that I hadn't heard the softly approaching footsteps, crunching leaves and twigs underfoot. But now I stiffened at the sound of her voice. It was silky and smooth, like vanilla ice cream. I knew that voice by heart. It was sweet and melodic, the song that carried my soul.
I stood stock-still, knowing she would come to me. She knew I was patient.
Then I felt it. A touch on my shoulder. Her hand was there now, palms warm and soft. I often wished I could someday hold her hand, but I doubted she'd ever let me. It wasn't proper.
"Hey, Jellal." she greeted, as she stepped in front of me, planting one hand on her perfectly curved hip.
"Hello, Erza." I replied, looking her square in the eye.
Natsu and Gray called her Sister Erza, but I knew to never call her that. It was their name for her, not mine. And I had no right to call her my sister after the pain I had put her through. Sometimes I wished she wouldn't forgive me, I really didn't deserve it. But I had to accept it because it was the only thing she'd ever given me.
"What're you doing out here, all alone?" she asked, tilting her head to one side.
"I needed some time to myself. Plus it is beautiful this time of year. The mist will start rising from the river soon, and I love to watch it happen." I explained, clasping my hands together in front of me.
"Ah. I've never seen it before." Erza admit, dropping her gaze to the ground, which was scattered with fallen leaves. "Is it as lovely as the people in town make it out to be?"
"Even more so. Care to join me?" I offered, before I could stop myself.
I realized my grave mistake a second after the words left my mouth, but it was too late to take them back. Erza Scarlet wouldn't want to spend time with me. She may have forgiven me but forgiveness and friendship are two very different things. I didn't want to cross any lines that should never be crossed. Only problem is, I had no idea where the lines were drawn. Or if they even existed at all. How does one avoid the mysterious invisible lines?
She stared at me for a long moment, those glittering purple eyes boring right into my soul. She saw right through me, I was sure. Perhaps she knew I didn't deserve her. Perhaps she understood the pain I felt every single night, knowing I couldn't have her and she'd soon find a man far greater than I who would take her from me forever. We just weren't meant to be.
Finally, she nodded slightly and looped her arm through mine so we were linked at the elbow. "Of course, I'd love to." she told me, offering me a warm smile.
I almost blushed at the sudden contact. The way her whole face came to life with shocking radiance when she smiled took my breath away. Plus, the warm pressure of her hand on the inside of my elbow was... Delightful. Absolutely enthralling. But years and years of training myself to show no emotion whatsoever allowed me to get everything under control before the blush could escape.
And so, we continued walking together, down the dirt path, between the trees. The sun was setting, casting warm golden light over everything. It was so beautiful and tranquil I never wanted to leave. But all this scenery was dull in comparison to the absolutely gorgeous, incredible woman beside me.
"Erza?" I called out, a hint of reverence in my voice simply from saying her lovely name. Her name was like a blessing to me. I wasn't worthy of saying it.
"Yes, Jellal?" She glanced sidelong at me.
"Why did you forgive me?" I asked, tentatively, trying my hardest not to upset her. "I don't deserve it, if I'm to be completely honest with you. So why? Why give me a second chance, a third chance, even? It makes no sense..."
"Oh, that's a no-brainer." Erza said, grinning widely. "You may not think you deserve it, Jellal, but when I look at you I see someone more than worthy of my forgiveness. Of my time and attention. You may have strayed down the wrong path at one point, but let's consider the facts. You were being tortured in a concentration camp that we had been slaving away in for months, and we were children. And let's not forget you got possessed by whatever the hell that demon's name is. It wasn't entirely your fault. Besides, you came back to us. To me."
Wait... What?
"But I... Thought the demon... Was all just a stupid dream..." I stammered out, voice wavering.
"Who cares if it was? The fact remains the same. We both had an extremely awful childhood. Just because I turned out alright doesn't mean everyone else will." Erza wrapped her fingers around my bicep and squeezed, not hard enough to hurt but enough to remind me she was there and this was real.
I'm not dreaming.
"B-But... I just... I can't wrap my head around the fact I've done so much to hurt you, yet you still..." I trailed off with a helpless gesture, knowing she would understand what I couldn't say.
"Love you? Yes. I still love you." Erza told me, with such a calm, sweet tone of voice that it took me a moment to register what she had said.
Whoa.
Wait. What?
The impossible had happened right before my very eyes.
Beautiful, wonderful, incredible, perfect Erza... Had said she... Loved me?
How?
When?
Why?
I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or scream or cry or all of the above.
The sentence I hadn't finished was "yet you still forgive me endlessly, as if there wasn't anything to forgive at all", yet she had interpreted it as her love for me.
"Erza..." I could barely choke her name out at this point.
"Are you alright?" she peered at me with an adorably concerned look on her face. "Did I go too far? God, I'm sorry, Jellal. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." she wrapped her other hand around my arm and leaned her head on my shoulder.
That was too much for me. All my willpower to stay stoic and stonefaced crumbled. Suddenly my body was moving even though my brain told it not to. I was wrapping my arms around her, one around her slender waist, the other around her narrow shoulders, pulling her close, and embracing her. Burying my face in her scarlet-red hair. Her hair was so soft, and she smelled like chocolate, and I just wanted to hold her forever.
"I'm absolutely fine." I found myself saying. "Your love for me... That's all I need. All I could ever want."
She stayed silent and just let me hold her. At some point she had snaked her arms around my neck, but I didn't care. All that mattered was I had finally gotten something right. She loved me.
I wasn't sure when, or why, or how. But no matter the cause, she had managed to retain real, actual love for me. I couldn't believe it.
Finally, Erza nudged my arm and told me we should probably get going so we could watch the mist rise. So I led her to my favorite spot by the river and we sat there, side by side, watching as the sun went down and the silvery-white blanket of mist began rising from the bubbling, gurgling river. All I could focus on was her. Her eyes were sparkling with fascination. I was transfixed by her beauty.
She reached out and put her hand over mine, whispering, "I really meant it, Jellal. I love you."
I took a deep breath, and said four words I don't deserve to speak to her. Four words that summed up my feelings for her. Four words that split my heart wide open and put it on display for her to see. Four words that were the most true thing I've ever spoken in my life.
"I love you too."
-
I am a horrible person. So please don't forgive me.
She already has.
The end...