Warning! The following chapter involves suicidal thinking and self harm. Please read at your own discretion.
9:30 Guardian ?
I stretched out, trying to see if this was a dream. I slapped myself. No this wasn't a dream. I was back in Dragon Age. I had on a large tunic with some leggings and socks. A light was coming from the fireplace. It's weird. I had the strangest feeling I was here before but, at the same time, I didn't recognize anything. I saw everyone else sleeping on the floor. Talen and Wynne both slept near me. I saw Alfred, Eren, and Alistair sleeping near each other. Sten at the far wall. Morrigan was the nearest to the fire. Derek was snoring a little away with Levi and Zevran near him.
It must have been late at night still and here I am, writing in my journal that I recovered from my pack that was somehow beside me. I felt like a machine. I'm just doing this because it's the only thing I can do. Well there was another thing I can do but I'm sure that Halo would get pissed if I ended up dying again.
I went back to bed. There was no point in staying awake.
The second I opened my eyes, I was underneath the apple tree. It was smaller than what I remembered. When I got up, however, there was more than just a large field. There was a small house with a lake beside it. I looked at it confusingly but decided to walk down there. The lake had small ripples as the wind blew and was extremely foggy. I couldn't see through the bottom.
The house looked like one of those log cabins that you could sleep in if you were camping. Odd because I only ever saw them in movies or in vouchers. I saw through the windows but was met with blackness. I pulled open the door and it was a very simple one room home. A bed next to a window, a fireplace at the farthest wall next to a small kitchen. A table in the middle with a single chair and bookshelves upon bookshelves. I went and grabbed a book but it was blank. What did I expect? I sighed and went to the bed.
If the bed was here, does that mean I could finally sleep in the fade? I laid down and concentrated but I couldn't. My mind was too muddied from everything that has happened. One thing I noticed though was that Halo was nowhere to be seen.
"Halo?" I called out. Nothing happened. I sat up and waited. I wanted to cry. Did my one friend also leave me? I clenched my fists. It seemed that I had nothing left. Then I saw a tiny light floating around. The size of a golf ball. It lazily floated into my lap. "Halo?" My voice broke.
'I am sorry.' Halo said. I wrapped my hands around him and sobbed.
"Oh Thank God, I'm not alone." I whimpered.
'I must tell you before I sleep.' Halo said lazily.
"What?" I wondered.
'I used almost all my energy to send you back, to keep you here alive. It took a toll on me. This was my last gift to you before sleeping. The outside is not safe anymore but here is safe. Stay here and no demons can find you. Out there you may converse with spirits who can enter. Demons may force through. I lost a bit of myself when trying to connect your body and soul. A bit of me exists inside you now.' Halo explained.
"I don't understand." I said. Halo sighed as his light became weaker.
'A part of me is now inside of you. I cannot protect you if I am to sleep. With this, you will share my power but be careful. The more you use it, the more pieces of yourself become further apart and the more we become one. It will be difficult but I will bring you home. For now, I will sleep and gather my energy. You will be coming less and less into the fade as I cannot call out to you. Once I have awakened, I will bring you back. Be safe Beloved.' Halo said, his image getting fainter and fainter.
"No wait Halo. Please, don't leave me! I don't want to be alone!" I cried out, hugging Halo to my chest.
'Be patient…beloved…I will…come back…' Halo disappeared.
I woke up again with tears in my eyes. How much more can be taken away from me?
"Is this some sort of punishment? Is God testing me? Because he picked a really fucked up way to do it." I whispered, my throat constricting for another wave of tears. I was surprised that I wasn't dehydrated by now.
"Nia?" I looked over and Leliana was there. "You're awake." She breathed out.
"Unfortunately." I huffed.
"Let me go get Talen and Wynne." Leliana went out. I let out a breath as more tears came out, silent. It was the only thing I could do. The fire made the room bearable and the shadows danced on the walls. I looked at it. It was supposed to be red. That was the color of fire so why did it look grey? The colors of the world have bled away.
Talen and Wynne came in with Leliana and Eren right behind. Wynne came beside me and helped me sit up. I groaned as I realized I must have been lying down on uncomfortable ground for a while. My muscles felt weak and there was a painful cramp in my stomach. I looked as she gave me a clear red liquid inside a bottle.
"Drink it slowly. This is a concentrated elfroot potion only to be used on mortal wounds. We still don't know the extent of your spirit healing you. It wouldn't be wise not to be careful." Wynne explained. I opened the cork and the elfroot almost smelled like medicine. I smacked my lips and brought it to my mouth. There was the slight taste of honey and grass in the aftertaste but it tasted sweet for the most part. My stomach wrenched painfully and I curled in on myself.
"What happening?" Eren ordered and then my stomach growled so loud that it echoed.
"I am guessing she's hungry." Talen chuckled. Eren glared at him and Talen cleared his throat awkwardly.
"Get her some dried bread and water." Wynne ordered and Leliana nodded and left. Eren knelt to my level as the pain in my stomach subsided.
"How are you feeling?" Eren asked.
"What a loaded question to ask when I can't even remember how in the world I got here." I harshly whispered.
"You…you don't remember?" Eren asked.
"Halo spoke to me but didn't go in detail other than I died." I glared at him. Eren fidgeted. "I don't remember anything. I don't even remember how we got here or how I died." I whispered.
"We infiltrated Soldier's Peak. The veil was extremely weak here. We found a very strong demon that was able to be healed by old magic." Wynne explained.
"It got all of us and killed you while you protected Eren." Talen explained.
So, that was the choice. I protected Eren and ended up dying for him. I guess I couldn't sacrifice Eren to go home. All because of my indecisiveness I ended up here for who knows how long. I wasn't sure who to direct the emptiness and anger. If I kept it in, I was sure I was going to do something extremely stupid.
"Nia, I have you to thank for saving my life. If you didn't do that-" Eren started.
"I would have been able to go home." I whispered, clenching my fists and grabbing the sheet that covered my legs. "I can't go home…Ha! I can't go home!" Eren gave me a confused look while Wynne and Talen gave each other a look.
"Nia, what are you talking about?" Eren asked, placing a hand on my shoulder but I slapped it away.
"I lost my chance to go home because I couldn't choose between you and my family. Halo…Halo nearly had the energy to send me back…" I curled into myself. "And yet I couldn't make the choice! I couldn't! I lost them again and I lost Halo too!" I growled and grabbed my scalp, digging my nails into it. "How much more can they take away from me!? Is this the reason why I'm alive?! Just for more pain!?" I screamed, becoming overwhelmed from the situation. My heart started beating erratically and I felt wetness in my hands, mostly likely blood from scratching my scalp open.
I heard shuffling and a door open and close. I felt someone touch me and I growled. "Leave me alone!" They grabbed me but it was hard to see through tear filled eyes. "Don't touch me!" A hand covered my eyes and my mind became foggy. It was the high without the benefit of making you happy. My breathing evened out and I felt someone lay me down again.
"Morrigan, what did you do?" I heard Eren growl as I couldn't move my head. I merely stared at the flickering fireplace.
"Tis only a sleeping spell although…" I heard Morrigan stop.
"It doesn't matter. She isn't fighting against us." Wynne said.
"Wynne, what does she mean when she said she lost Halo too?" Talen asked. I heard Wynne gave out a long sigh.
"Halo is…was her guardian spirit. I was able to sense it as I drew closer to her but now…the energy is barely there." Wynne explained. "This is the spirit that guided her to our world. You may not believe it but it is a thing of great power, something that I have never seen before."
"So…does that mean when she said she was from another world, it was true?" Talen asked.
"Tis late to ask is it not?" Morrigan scoffed. My eyes started to become heavy.
"She needs more rest…" Wynne started before I blacked out again.
I woke up again in the middle of the night. My scalp was healed and everyone was sleeping in their cots. No one was awake. I wiggled my toes and sat up, my joints cracking and my muscles still feeling sore. I took off the thin sheet and got up slowly. I wobbled on my feet slightly. I didn't know how long I was out. I took careful steps and arrived at the door. I opened it slowly as it did small creaks. I slipped through and closed it.
I was hit with the chill from outside. There was more snow and clouds were trailing the sky. Stars twinkled as the moons were both half full. I shuddered as my body naturally shivered from the cold. I took a few steps in the snow, realizing that the steps were cleaned. I stepped down the stairs carefully, my feet getting stabbing pain from being thrusted into the cold.
I sat down on the last step. The world resembled what I was feeling now with no color and deathly cold. I wanted someone to blame but I know that I only had to blame myself. I couldn't make the choice so now I was paying the consequences. It was my fault. It was all my fault.
Now I had no one.
I exhaled and brought my hand up to my neck. I noticed something. I touched my neck everywhere but I couldn't feel my necklace. I remembered how Halo used it as an anchor, to tie myself to my family once he can gather the energy. I felt oddly naked without it and remembered my family only caused more stabbing pains in my chest.
My wrists felt oddly sensitive as well. I rubbed them but the pain didn't go away. I relished it though. I could only blame myself and pain was my punishment. Does this mean I'm past denial and anger to finally reach acceptance?
"No. I'm only lying to myself if I accepted it all after a few days. My heads such a fucked-up mess I can't even think straight. I don't want to think and yet my mind won't stop thinking." My throat had the lump again and I grabbed my wrist, squeezing until I couldn't feel my fingers. I wanted to release the pain that I had in my heart. I got up and strolled into the courtyard. The snow was swept away. My feet hit the cold hard ground and I realized that there was a forge nearby. I looked at it and it still felt slightly warm. Did Levi's family come here already? How long have I been out?
There was new equipment on the forge. Hammers, pincers, molds to hold molten metals, and what looked like large shears. I took the shears in my hands, they were rough with teeth. This would do. I lifted my tunic's sleeve which was still too big for me and put the shears on my wrist. My hand trembled and, for a second, I thought, 'What the hell am I doing?' But I wanted to feel something other than the pain in my heart. I wanted the pain out. I wanted to take out the pain.
I gave out a small whimper as I dug the shears teeth into my skin. The blood slowly dripped from my wrist onto the snow. I shivered as I felt the small reprieve from the emotional pain shift into my physical pain. It was only masking what I was feeling inside but I didn't want to feel my heart breaking, my self-loathing, the blame, my enormous guilt. The dark emotions were threatening to drown me. I wanted to throw myself from the highest peak. What's the point of being alive when I feel dead inside? This was torture. This was cruel.
To have spent a day with my family, only for them to be ripped from my arms again. Why? I wanted to cry out to the heavens. I wanted to hear God's reply to my one single question: Why? But my God was silent in this Godless world. My hope was shattered and my faith has been through the ringer. I sat against the forge, my back warm because of it. The shears dumped into the snow. I lifted my wrists to watch the blood drip onto the white fluff.
Bright red blood on pure white snow. It was the same weird pleasure of watching black ink sully parchment. It cleared my mind but only for a moment. In the end, I stared up at the night sky wondering exactly what was I doing.
"I guess this means I'm seriously messed up in the head." I whispered. I saw a tall figure come down from the stairs from my peripheral view but I still stared into the night sky. Their shadow obscured the moon's light and I saw the one person I didn't think would be out here, Sten. He looked down at me with disappointment in his eyes. I put my wrist down, scabs already forming from where I cut myself.
"I have lost my way and my purpose." I stated.
"You have succeeded in protecting your charge. This is what was expected of you and you even gave your life doing so." Sten said. "This is worthy of honor and pride. Why do you look down on it?"
This was new. Sten was actually praising me. I would have been overjoyed if the dread didn't set in. I hummed and I rubbed my wrist.
"We're the same. I have lost my soul and, in doing so, lost my way home." I described. Sten tensed up at that. He stood next to me.
"The Arishok asked, 'What is the blight?' With that one question, me and my brothers set forth on our journey to Ferelden." Sten started. I nodded. "We had made an arduous journey and traveled through Ferelden. We did not encounter the threat of darkspawn and we thought that we would not encounter anything of the Blight, until we camped at Lake Calenhad. They came from everywhere, the ground beneath our feet, the air above us, even our own shadows harbored the darkspawn. We fought valiantly but in the end, I lost my brothers and I killed the last darkspawn too late. I fell."
"The others didn't survive." I stated.
"No. They did not find anyone else. I don't know how long I lay on the battlefield among the dead nor do I know how the farmers found me. All I knew was when I woke, I was no longer among my brothers and my sword was gone from my hand." Sten described.
"You lost it on the battlefield." I whispered.
"I searched for it and, when that failed, I asked the farmers what had become of it. They found me with nothing and then I killed them with my bare hands." Sten confessed. I hummed and nodded. "I did." Sten clenched his hand. "I knew they didn't have my blade. I knew they had no reason to lie to me but I panicking and, unthinking, I struck them down. I have forfeited my honor. The sword was made for my hand alone. I have carried it from the day I was set into the Beresaad. I was to DIE wielding it for MY PEOPLE." Sten got heated. I slowly stood up, resting against the forge. "Even if I were to cross Ferelden and Tevinter unarmed to bring my report to the Arishok, I would be struck down on sight by the antaam. I would be known as a deserted, soulless. No soldier would cast aside his blade while he drew breath. I cannot go home." Sten confessed.
He was guilty too because he knows that he was at fault. It wasn't Sten's fault that he lost his sword. It was stolen from him but it was his fault that he panicked and attacked innocents. Everyone views Sten as a monster all because he confessed that he killed readily but isn't that what we do as well? In order to protect our group, we have killed too. Maybe they weren't innocent but we struck them down.
Sten knows his guilt and has eagerly sought out his redemption. Redemption is different for all of us. Some of us find it through prayer, others through action and Sten is a man of action. It's the reason why whenever I was playing, I'd look up to him.
"Is that why you talked to that one man while we were at Lake Calenhad? You were trying to find your sword?" I asked.
"Yes. He had told me that a merchant who has made his way to the Frostback Mountains sold him the spot but had taken all the valuables. I was hoping to meet him if we are to go to Orzammar though the talks have been of Redcliffe instead." Sten looked down, sad.
"I will find your sword." I said.
"That is a highly improbably thing to do." Sten said.
"And I'll do it so you can go home. I might not be able to because of my indecisiveness but I won't let the same thing happen to you. I already know how much it hurts not being able to go home but to have it in front of you and having the chance stolen from you? It's cruel." I promised.
"Perhaps that is an empty promise…but thank you." Sten said.
"My guilt stems from the fact that I wasn't able to make a decision. I don't know what was the right decision. I told you my mission was to protect Eren…but I was only using him to find a way back home. In the end, I protected him and lost my chance. I don't know when I'll be able to go back. It already took almost 3 years…I don't know how much longer I'll have to wait." I explained. I looked at my hand, the ring was the only thing I had left.
"So long as you remain disciplined, you will achieve your goal. Do not lose your focus or else the tide will sweep you away." Sten said.
I fidgeted with my ring. Focus. That I can do. "Thank you Sten. You are very wise." I said.
"I only say what needs to be said, which is very little." Sten huffed.
For the first time since I woke up, I laughed.
Beta'd by FearaNightmare and Syutaku!
To those who got uncomfortable I am very sorry but everyone has a breaking point. Anyway, I finally got to clean up the topic on how and why Nia can use Halo's power which will now surface in later events. I'm glad I was able to flesh Halo out as a character at this point but worry not my friends! He will come back!
Also on a side note, the next few chapters will be on the depressing side so I'm sorry if she's not all that happy to be back. She gets better (sorta).
Thank you nya mayaha nya, exaigon, demonman21, and shadesnake for favoriting/following!
HellaRose: Thank you and Hi! I'm glad you're enjoying the rewrite! There will be plenty of changes though the same story will still be in the background.
Blooddoll1: Yes she will and it will be a wild ride until then.
Chimera Spyke: Again, I apologize for getting worried. Yes and this scene was what I was leading up to. To finally see and have what you always wanted, only to have it ripped out from under you. No one can say exactly how they react but I was able to get Nia's reaction at least. Thank you!
Syutaku: Yes! Feel the feels! Also the Evangelion thing was intentional lol
Enna: Sorry for confusing you but only Lives and Time are getting rewrites. Days of Our Past will only be edited with the new information from the rewrites. I hope this helps!
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