9:30 Guardian 11th
We've been here for four days. Levi's brother, Mikhael, was stationed in Amaranthine and came when Levi passed on the message that Soldier's Peak was safe again. I was knocked out for 3 days.
After my talk with Sten last night, we both headed back to rest. I went into a fretful sleep full of nightmares of my family, of their grief and despair. I could only imagine how my kids would have felt to have me only to lose me again. In the morning, everyone got up to go off and do something. Morrigan, Wynne, and Talen were all in Avernus' chamber, trying to decipher his notes about the Blight I haven't asked if he was alive or not. Eren, Alistair, Derek, and Sten all went to Mikhael. Apparently, their fights with the demons took a toll on their armor.
Leliana had gone out to hunt along with Zevran and Alfred. She wrapped up my wrist when she awoke next to me and gave me a small bowl of porridge with an elfroot potion. Leliana gave me sympathetic glances when she saw the dried blood. Zevran had turned away. I was left alone and I watched the fire. The food was good. I slathered some of the potion on my wrist before drinking some of it. In the end, I was left with a small mark. Unless you looked closely, you wouldn't be able to tell that I had cut myself.
I relished the time alone. I didn't want to be near anyone. I was afraid that I might say something or do something that would hurt someone. I was emotionally exhausted and drained from the events from yesterday. I was a whirlwind of emotions. Anger, sadness, despair, loneliness, and I got it out thanks to the pain and Sten. Even then, I wasn't sure what to feel now.
What should I do now? Sten told me to focus on my goal so that I can go home. I would need to wait but for how long? Just yesterday was tough, how can I stand it for a few more years? I wasn't sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore. The door opened and Zevran came in with a bowl that was steaming. He nodded and went to sit by me. He put down the bowl and it smelled really good. He gave me a spoon and I whirled the contents of the stew. It had big pieces of meat in it.
"Alfred has a wicked sense of smell and tracked down a boar for us. We are smoking pieces of it now and have a bountiful stew for it. Please eat." Zevran said. I blew on the stew and ate slowly. Zevran sat next to me, fidgeting. I knew there was something he wanted to say.
"I'm sorry." I said softly.
"There is no need to apologize." Zevran chuckled.
"If only I was careful, none of this would have happened." I whispered.
"Do not say that. Do you wish to repeat what you did and let one of your friends die?" Zevran shot back. My throat constricted and another wave of tears threatened to fall.
"No? Maybe? I don't know." I whimpered, setting the bowl down. "I don't know anymore." I wiped the tears that came down. Zevran exhaled sharply.
"I know how you are feeling but be grateful that at least Eren is alive. Some betrayals don't end that well." Zevran sighed. I knew who he was talking about. I didn't want to push the subject.
"I just want to get to the highest point of Soldier's Peak and fall. Stupid, isn't it? After all Halo did to save me." I confessed. "I got to see my family just for one day. Both of my kids were tall, half my height. They were both beautiful and remembered me." I gasped. "I got to spend time with my husband, be with him, hold him…and it was all taken away." I sobbed. "In the end, all I got was my dreams and hope dangled in front of me, only for it to be taken away. Why should I even be alive?" I cried and hugged myself. Zevran stayed silent until my sobs died out. I felt even more empty as I stared at the fire.
"There was a point in my life where I did not care whether I awoke in the morning. I was a coward though. I couldn't go forth with killing myself. Instead, I decided to allow the Grey Wardens to do it." Zevran started. I stared at him. He fidgeted with his hands. "I wanted someone to decide my fate. Grey Wardens are famed for their prowess in battle. I didn't think I would be saved." He chuckled. He looked at me warmly. "I have you to thank for that."
"I didn't do anything." I whispered.
"That isn't true and you know that." Zevran put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I was prepared to see the end of my life that day. Instead, you put forth the idea of having me around. As to why? I don't know. Perhaps it was my dashing good looks, my surly voice, or is it the fact of having a handsome assassin around could become handy?" Zevran wondered. I chuckled.
"Everyone deserves a second chance." I said. "I just…I didn't want to see more death."
"And there you go. Now I am here, thankful for the second chance that you gave me. You have also been given a second chance. It would be best not to waste it." Zevran said. I went back to staring at the fire. I heard Zevran sigh again. "Cuando tocas fondo, solo hay un lado para irte." Zevran said. I looked at him and he pointed up.
"When you reach the bottom, the only way to go is up." I translated.
"Yes. It is an old saying but one you need reminding of no?" Zevran smiled.
"It's something my mom used to say." I murmured.
"Then she is a wise woman." Zevran commented.
"Yeah." I agreed. The only thing to do is to go up huh? That was easier said than done. "Zevran, can we be friends?" I asked.
"Ah friends? I thought that was already the state of this relationship unless you were meaning friends in another fashion." Zevran flirted. I pinched his cheek. "Ah my one weakness." Zevran chuckled, rubbing his cheek.
"I lost my friend." I said. "Halo saved my life but it took too much out of him." I explained.
"Your spirit friend?" Zevran asked. I nodded. "I am truly sorry for your loss." I looked at him and he did mean it. There was sympathy in his eyes.
"I'm going to have to rely on you Zevran." I stated.
"But…well, why me?" He cleared his throat.
"Because I think I might hate Eren if I don't get these emotions under control. A part of me blames him even though I know that it's so stupid to do that. A huge part of me is guilt-ridden though for letting this come to happen. For some odd reason, I think you probably passed through something like this. A decision you made in the heat of the moment, only to realize your mistake too late." I explained. I saw Zevran gulp but he nodded.
"Then, it would be my honor to have you as a friend." Zevran took out his hand. I smiled and shook it.
"Friends." I nodded, feeling my heart and my burden lift.
"Of course I will say that if you have ever need of my services…" Zevran hinted.
"Oh yeah, I'll make sure to have Alfred visit your tent." I joked.
"You are breaking my heart." Zevran said, twisting my hand and kissing it. It felt nice but I couldn't help but feel I would rather have liked my husband doing it instead.
"I'm sorry for this." I said, inching closer.
"Sorry for what?" Zevran cleared his throat. I put my arms around him and settled my head on his neck. I could feel that he was tense at the touch. It was funny how Zevran boasted about his seduction skills and how many women he bedded. When presented with something that called for more than just lust, though, he didn't know how to react. Of course, I knew that he was still hurting over Rinna and I knew that I was only using him for physical comfort but I needed this.
I couldn't depend on Eren. I had this odd feeling when I was around him. I got angry, I felt guilty, and I didn't want to see him at all. Even thinking about him got me riled up. It wasn't logical and it wasn't his fault either. It was my own but that human part of me didn't want to admit it. The illogical side wanted to pin it on someone to escape. I had to come to terms with it though. Eren was NOT at fault. It was my own. Until those dark feelings about him settled, I had to stay away from him. Eren was my friend too but I didn't want to hurt him. I had to keep him at a distance.
Zevran understood depression though. He hit that low after he killed Rinna. He understood the depths of my emotion. I could lean on him. I was being selfish but I had to have an anchor. I had to have someone there reminding me that no, I can't kill myself. I had to keep going. Sten told me to focus. I can do that but I needed something to help with that. Leliana felt betrayal but she had found peace. Wynne would sound too condescending. For some odd reason, I could hear her telling me to 'Get over it' in a polite manner.
Talen and I had a breakthrough at the Circle but he was still going through too much. I didn't want to add to his plate. Alistair still didn't believe my story and I wasn't close to Derek at all. Morrigan would not care at all. So, I'm sorry Zevran. I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to use you to make myself feel better until I can stand on my own. I'm a horrible person but I don't want to think about dying anymore.
"And what are you two doing?" Leliana asked as she came through the door.
"I'm hugging Zevran. He's really hard though so it's uncomfortable." I replied.
"It is not what you think!" Zevran laughed nervously as Leliana glared at him.
"I meant his armor." I laughed and let him go. Leliana seemed relieved to hear that.
"Good, because if I had to find that Zevran somehow used this situation to his advantage…" Leliana let that hang.
"I would truly not, assassin's honor." He raised his hand.
"Assassin's don't have honor codes." Leliana sat down next to me before taking out another bottle of potion. She put the bowl of stew back into my hands. "Eat and then drink."
"Ok. I'm wondering though, why doesn't Talen or Wynne come over and give me a once over?" I asked, taking heartily bites of the semi cold stew.
"Mages can heal wounds that are visible and the most gifted can heal from within though that is a very rare ability." Wynne came in and knelt right in front of me. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm not going to scream this time." I stated.
"Then that's an improvement." Wynne sighed.
"How long are we going to stay here?" I asked.
"Mikhael should be finished with our armors in a few days. He even took your measurements while you were out." Leliana explained.
"We are also using this time to uncover more about Avernus' research. It seems that he has done much with the Blight and the Grey Wardens even at a great cost…" Wynne murmured.
"Who's Avernus?" I asked.
"He is a Grey Warden mage that fought with Sophia Dryden and granted himself a longer life through blood magic. We nearly fought him to the death but Talen stopped us. He convinced Avernus to work for us." Wynne explained.
"Ok…so what happened to the fade rift?" I asked.
"We closed it after we killed a demon that possessed the body of Sophia Dryden. Eren and Derek convinced it to tell Levi about his family and she told him about how the war between Grey Wardens and the King of Ferelden happened. Levi had a hard time believing that Sophia intended to usurp the throne like history tells us. He seemed to find comfort that she at least tried to stop the tyrant though whether she would have made a better Queen would be up to his opinion." Leliana explained.
"Morrigan and I swept through the ruins more to find anymore rifts or veil weaknesses. We found none and I put protective runes where the veil was weak. We are safe here from anymore demons." Wynne assured.
"That's good." I sighed. "So I guess I might as well get out and about then." I said, about to stand up. Zevran got up and offered his hand. I took it and steadied myself. I breathed in. Focus and look at your goal. Get off the ground and walk. My body creaked for not doing anything for such a long time. I opened the door and the chill air hit my face. The colors seemed to have bled back a bit.
"Don't forget your boots. You wouldn't want to walk barefoot in the snow and catch a cold, do you?" Leliana wondered and offered my boots to me.
"Thank you." I put them on and went down the stairs. I heard some pounding at the forge and the sounds of craftsmanship. Levi, Alistair, and Eren were working on the stables. Derek and Mikhael, from the looks of it, were both at the forge.
I saw Sten, shirtless, training with what looked like a new greatsword. When he saw me, he nodded before going back to his routine. Next to the stairs, near the forge, was a bench filled with various food. They had a black pot over a small fire. Another stew it seemed like.
"That should be steady by now!" Levi shouted from the roof. Alistair and Eren both stopped holding onto the pillars while Levi hammered away. It was odd seeing them out of their armor. Eren was the first one to spot me. That odd dark pit seemed to surface as he walked over to me with a happy face on. When he came close to me, I instinctively stepped back. He noticed and his face dropped a little. Eren did smile softly though.
"You're better." He stated.
"For the most part." I looked away.
"I see." Eren sighed.
"I'm sorry I'm being a burden." I said.
"No you are not. Don't think that way, please. Besides, we had a tough time with demons after…" Eren cleared his throat while I kept my focus on the black pot. "We needed time to rest too so please don't think that this is your fault." I bit my lip and clenched the bottoms of my tunic. Don't get mad. Focus on your goal.
"Yeah." I said.
"Well, I can at least say one undead is looking well today!" Alistair chuckled while patting Eren's shoulder. Eren face palmed. "That was too soon wasn't it?"
"Oh Alistair, only you can be funny and insulting at the same time." I chuckled.
"You smiled! Oh good, I thought you were going to scowl and frown like Morrigan and Sten. We already have enough of those." Alistair ruffled my hair. It felt normal. It all felt normal. In an odd sense, I wanted to push away. I didn't want to be surrounded by positivity. I wanted to be dark and curled up, away from everyone. I didn't want this at all. Then I had to remind myself, there's nothing else I can do. Should I just curl up and waste away? No. I need to keep going. I had to keep going. If I walked, if I ran, then maybe I could outrun these dark feelings of mine until they settle.
I needed time but time wasn't something we had on hand at the moment. After all, we needed to save Ferelden. I couldn't sit back and wallow. That had to be done sometime else. I'll grieve for now. I'll rest for now. Until the day I have to get back on my feet. Then I'll starting fighting back again.
"Thank you." I said.
"Of course." Alistair sighed.
"Hey missy you're finally up!" Derek waved over. I waved back. The others came outside as well. Morrigan and Talen came out from where Avernus was. We all sat on the stairs. Everyone talked about something. The mages gathered around, discussing the notes of Avernus. The warriors talking about their new armor and weapons. Leliana and Zevran joked around with each other. I sat at the top, looking down at them.
I felt displaced, like I wasn't there. I was separate. They had lives here. This was their world. I was the one that didn't belong. To think that I wished to join them, now it was more like a prison. Focus and breathe. Focus and breathe. There was no point in thinking about the past. I had to keep an eye on my goal. I had to stay the course. I had to keep walking. I had to keep waiting.
These emotions are slowly tearing my mind apart. I had to ground myself again. I couldn't go off the ropes. I messed with my ring and found that it calmed me down. I replayed the memories of my family. Ace, Alice, Louis…the day that we had all spent together, finally together again. That day is going to come. That day WILL come. I will make sure of it.
Focus on your goal. Keep on walking. Don't stop. Keep running. Run until it settles, until I see the goal in my sights. Focus. Focus. FOCUS.
Because my family is waiting. Because their smiles and their love are waiting. Because I refuse to let my children grieve and mourn over me.
Because one day I'll be back.
Be patient. Keep running toward the goal. Focus. Breathe.
You're alive today. You'll be alive tomorrow. You'll be alive then and you'll live alongside them one day.
For them, I will keep on living.
Beta'd by FearaNightmare and Syutaku!
Another change from the last one! Avernus has survived though Demon Sophia is dead still. I think I captured Nia's despair no?
Shout out to Shibashi, I Growl For Fun, and OBSERVER01 for favoriting/following! Thank you Chimera Spyke, I love you philosophical reviews! Please Review!