Warning! This chapter mentions self-harm. Read at your own discretion.
9:30 Guardian 12th
I saw what they were working on. It looked like the Grey Warden armor in future installments, clothes with chainmail inside them or at least stitched in them. I held up what Derek gave me and put it on. It had weight to it. The chainmail separated in lines with a front chestplate without the griffon though. There was also a skirt added though the plate armor type not the frilly type.
"This…is interesting. How did you even figure this out?" I wondered.
"It was Avernus. He was the one that gave us these schematics. We figured, if we're Grey Wardens, then we might as well look the part." Derek shrugged, helping me put it on. It fit really well and it wasn't difficult to put on. It's as if all you were doing is putting on a coat. A very heavy coat with straps. "We got some heavier stuff for us. The big guy only wanted the standard heavy armor not the Grey Warden stuff as well as Leliana and Zevran. What about you missy? You like it?"
"Yeah." I smiled. It took me back to where I enjoyed playing this series. I still remembered the mods they added to Origins so you can make these to look the part. I have to admit, I was always a Grey Warden at heart. It killed me to kick them out of Orlais in Inquisition but I did it so I could know what happens. 100% completion, eh well, more or less. Alistair gave me a silly grin before helping Levi with the horses.
"Good. We got some new leather boots to go with it too." Derek said tapping on the black ones. I checked them over and they also had plates for over the knees. My straps were black too. They were the only ones that were black actually. The others had the usual leather color.
"Why are mine black?" I asked.
"Eren said you'd like it like that. He said you had a preference." Derek said before going over the food bench. Guilt surfaced again. I had to thank Eren. I heard the door slam from on top of the stairs and saw Morrigan with a scowl on her face as she stomped down the stairs. Eren followed closely after.
"Morrigan you must see reason." Eren said, trying to catch up to her.
"Being reasonable is having that old decrepit mage teach all of us the same content of what he learned. Why did he choose to teach the youngest mage out of all of us? I understand why he did not want to teach the old biddy but in all seriousness, why not me?" Morrigan huffed and crossed her arms. She stared up at Eren waiting for a response. Derek sided up to me and gave me a few pieces of smoked meat. I took them and got ready for the show.
"From what he told me, he would rather teach a fellow Grey Warden than one that doesn't know about the Blight." Eren said.
"I know the Blight. I have fought darkspawn alongside everyone else as well as seen Blighted lands. Do not tell me what I do not know." Morrigan answered. The meat tasted really good by the way.
"Yes you have experienced the Blight but you have never gone through the Joining. His magic has to deal with opening the Taint inside our blood and you don't have that. Talen is the only one that has and can be the only on that can learn." Eren rubbed his face. Derek and I gave each other a side glance.
"Perhaps I cannot learn it but I could at least put it in my grimoire in case it becomes useful later on or even recorded! If you have not realized, Talen does not carry a grimoire such as I or the batty mage." Morrigan argued.
"Please refer to her as Wynne." Eren pinched his nose bridge. "I see your point. I will try to convince Avernus to at least let you write about his findings." Ladies and gentlemen, Morrigan: 1, Eren: 0.
"Please see that you do." Morrigan said before morphing into her raven form and flying away. Eren did a long drawn out sigh before Derek started to laugh. He went over to Eren and slapped him on his back. Eren nearly doubled over before Derek went up the stairs to go inside.
"That was…an experience." I said, finishing my meat. "Wait a minute, if Talen is learning how to harness the Taint in his blood, does that mean he's learning blood magic?" I wondered.
"Oh please don't mention-" Eren started.
"Wait, you said he was having Avernus study the Blight and the Taint!" Alistair came on through after grooming the horses.
"Blood magic." Eren mumbled and finished.
"Oops." I said.
"Eren, did you lie to me?" Alistair had a hurt look on his face. I wondered if I should get another thing to eat because this was going to be dramatic as hell.
"I did not lie." Eren stood his ground.
"All you did was just omit the truth right?" I mentioned, getting a piece of bread. Eren glared at me. "Doesn't exactly describe lying but it's still wrong."
"You know what Blood Magic is Eren. We witness what it could do in the Circle! Look what happened when one Senior Enchanter learned it!" Alistair shouted.
"Talen is not power hungry or driven by a need of pride. He can control it." Eren shot back. Alistair's face contorted in pain and he clenched his hands into fists.
"Why don't you ask Talen?" I asked. Alistair switched to me. "Eren is only telling these things but Talen is directly learning from it. Ask him and then see if you still trust him. There's no point in arguing with Eren." I shrugged. Eren gave me an incredulous look but Alistair seemed to deflate. He had a second to think before nodding.
"You're right. I'll go to Talen but this doesn't mean I won't remember this Eren. We're a team and teams don't keep things from each other." Alistair shot back before going up the stairs to go into the peak. Eren glared at me.
"What?" I wondered, slowly eating my bread.
"Why did you even mention Blood Magic?" Eren rubbed his face. "If Alistair and Talen can't work together-"
"Talen isn't that sort of person and you know that but you'd be surprised how tempting power is. I believe in Talen though. He's a good person and he really does want to help but having you and Alistair fight is only going to set us back again. It's only logical, right? If he wants answers, then get it from the source instead of going to you. Then Alistair would have to make his decision on the spot after talking to Talen." I explained.
"I was trying to avoid a dispute." Eren argued, puffing out his chest. He always does that when he wants to look bigger. Intimidation would work on me if I didn't spend about two years dealing with it.
"Yeah and if Talen uses Blood Magic in the middle of a battle? Alistair would only get even madder because of the fact that both of you chose to keep it from him. Alistair isn't a child so don't coddle him. Keeping things from people will only serve to distance them. There's no point in keeping secrets if they're only going to get blasted later on." I explained.
"You haven't been completely truthful about what happened after your incident." Eren crossed his arms and stared me down.
"I got to be with my family and got taken away after a day." I responded. I noticed my responses were cold to him. It was going to be hard not trying to blame him.
"Yet you explained that if you didn't save me you would have been able to go back. What does that mean?" Eren asked. I looked up at him. A part of me didn't want to tell him what Flemeth had explained but I still wanted to hurt him. The illogical side, the darker side of me, the one part of me that wanted to blame the world wanted to exact vengeful pain.
"Just as I said. There was a price for me to go back and that price was you, Oren, and Derek." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It hurt to tell him. I opened my eyes and Eren looked confused and slightly hurt.
"Why us three?" He asked. I clenched the bread that was in my hand. I took a steadying breath. My heart was beating rapidly. The truth wasn't easy to tell.
"You weren't supposed to be here. Flemeth had the power of sight." I said. Just like Eren, I had to omit facts as well. He didn't believe I was sent here from another world, how could he believe that I knew what was going to happen in the next 13 years? "She said that because I entered the world, things had changed. I caused the ripple." I looked down at the snow, at his feet. "You, Oren, and Derek were supposed to be dead. There was only supposed to be one warden that survived the joining."
"There are no such things as seers. Flemeth was a powerful witch and nothing more. What she said is nothing more than lies." Eren shot back with a near snarl. I looked up. He was battling what I told him in his mind. Doubt and fear were playing in his eyes as well as clear denial.
"If I had left for my world, you all would have died but I couldn't make the decision. I couldn't sacrifice anyone. I wanted to know if there was another way, an alternate route but now…" I sighed. "There was no time to figure out another way. I died and Halo used up his energy to bring me back. In the end, I couldn't choose." I confessed.
"You would have sacrificed us?" Eren breathed out. I face palmed
"I'm here because I couldn't sacrifice you, idiot." I rolled my eyes. "I'm still angry about it though but just ignore that part of me. It's the small part of me that's still really angry for stupid reasons. I'm going inside." I walked past him to go to the stairs.
"Nia." I heard him call out. I clenched the bread. "Thank you."
Pain flared to my wrists again. I nodded while still going up the stairs. I went inside and looked at my wrist. The small line that could be unnoticed unless someone tried to focus on it. I dug my nails into it again to forget about the pain in my heart. My throat started to constrict and I had an odd feeling on my chest. I chose to ignore it and kept on eating my bread.
I walked past the foyer and walked through the rooms. It was eerily quiet with only my footsteps echoing out, creaking underneath my weight. I found the stairs to the second floor. I ate the last of my bread. I had wondered whether or not I should visit the place where I died. I thought, why the hell not? I climbed the stairs. An odd sense of déjà vu hit me when I stood in the wide room.
There were clear signs of fighting. A bookcase was completely destroyed, there were parts of the wooden floor that were cracked, and an odd tingle in the air. I looked at what looked to be an altar in the corner. Most of it was smashed to pieces and the ground was scratched out in some areas.
I walked toward it and found a huge bloody spot though. My chest started to hurt again. I absentmindedly rubbed it. This was it. This is where I 'died.' I knelt and touched the spot, involuntarily wincing. My fingers scratched at the wood, peeling off flakes that were dry. All that blood…it was a wonder how I was still standing. It reminded me of my first accident. Halo saved me twice. It was going to be very lonely without him. I started to walk away when I heard loud voices drifting in. Another door opened and Talen came out, followed by a pissed off Alistair.
"It's still Blood Magic!" Alistair shouted.
"The Joining is Blood Magic too. There have been enlisted Blood Mages as well. Why does it make a difference if I'm learning how to control the taint?" Talen explained.
"Because of what happened in the Circle! Using that type of magic will only open you to demons! Are you accepting a demon's help?" Alistair walked forward and in front of Talen. They both had a stare down.
"That's not true." I said, standing up and wiping my hands on my tunic. They both turned and realized that I was in the room too. "Most mages that learn Blood Magic learn it from demons because that's the easiest way. Sometimes it can happen accidentally as well like getting cut and realizing that blood can be used too. It's rare when someone teaches you but all magic is dangerous not just using blood. Talen is strong willed and there's a reason why demons ask first to possess you. It takes too much energy for them to do it by force. As long as Talen is strong willed and can resist the temptation, then he should be fine or does this mean you don't trust Talen?" I explained while fidgeting with my clothes. I gave Alistair a stare and my description seemed to throw him off guard.
"It's still wrong." Alistair mumbled.
"Talen, are you going to sacrifice anyone on our team if it comes down to it?" I asked.
"Wha-! Of course not! I'd rather die first!" Talen sputtered.
"You seem to be mistaking all Blood Mages to be bad guys. Sometimes circumstances forces their hand or maybe they wanted to help. If they gave in, that was their own wills being weak. Do you trust Talen, Alistair?" I asked.
"I…Of course." Alistair sighed. "But…it's just…" He groaned.
"I get it. You were taught from early on that only monsters use that form of magic but I believe in Talen. You should too." I said, walking to Talen and putting my hand on his shoulder. "I've got your back as long as you got mine." I smiled. Talen stared at me before his ears got red. He hugged me really tightly and I hugged back.
"I'm glad you're alive. When they told me what happened…I kicked myself for getting beat by the demon. I'm sorry." Talen said. He slightly shook under my touch and I patted his head.
"Thank you. I'm not going anywhere though so don't worry." I said. Alistair shuffled awkwardly on his feet.
"Ok, ok. I get it but if you get your mage robes in a bunch, I swear to Andraste I'll be the first to put you down." Alistair said cheerily. Talen left the hug and fist bumped Alistair's chest.
"I'll hold you to that. Anyway, I'm starving. Time to go eat. You coming Nia?" Talen asked.
"No, go on ahead." I said. Alistair and Talen went on their way. My smile dropped. I went back to the altar. There was something here. Remnants of the fade rift? Possibly but I wasn't sure. I went back to the blood spot and my chest ached again. I wanted to ask how I died and at the same time I didn't want to know either. My chest was bothering me and my wrists tingled. I hated the way I was right now. I looked around and saw something glint in the torchlight. It was a piece of glass with a sharp edge.
I grabbed it and ran my fingers along the edge. I pricked a finger with it. I smeared the blood in between my fingers and wondered whether I should do this or look for Zevran for comfort. I started to think and thinking was bad for me. Well more like dwell. I couldn't stop remembering my family, the death I experienced, Halo, the anger I felt for Eren, and the fact that everyone was so happy to see me…They want me to get back on my feet. They cared about me. They'll eventually realize I have changed and then push me away, just like everyone else when I fell the first time.
Why are you doing this? Supposed friend. You weren't like this before. Brother. What happened to my strong and beautiful daughter? Mom. Are you really going to let something like this get you down? Just get up and you'll feel better. Dad. Why are you depressed? You have nothing to be depressed about. Louis.
I didn't ask to be saved but I was thankful for it. At the same time, I was utterly resentful. I didn't want this. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to kill. I didn't want to be killed. I wanted a normal life with my family where the only thing I had to worry about was paying the bills. Something like this wasn't what I wished for.
Emptiness, the void, apathy, and pain. In order to not feel pain, I trapped it away in the bottle. The little marbles of pain shining, glistening, and waiting. Waiting for me to break but I won't break. I have to keep holding on even if I stand on the edge of the cliff as it crumbles under my weight. I have to get this out and there was only one way.
So I stabbed the shard in to my wrist, cutting the hand that was holding it as well. The physical pain helped what I was feeling inside yet I quickly grew numb to the sensation. The abyss was tearing my heart and physical pain was no longer a way to get it out. I heard heavy footfalls behind me as I took out the glass shard and let it fall to the ground.
"What is my purpose?" I asked.
"That is not something I can answer." I heard Sten say. "In the Qun, a tamassaran would choose what is your path in life. They are the ones to seek and to place. That is not my task."
"I can't stand this." I clenched my hands into fists, my wrist throbbing and aching. "I'm lost and I don't know what to do."
"If you cannot function then why do you stay?" Sten asked. I darkly chuckled and looked back.
"I have nowhere else to go. Even if I do go, most likely I'll end up going insane. I don't want that either." I played with the notion of the Tal-Vashoth, the True Grey Ones and how they go insane with their new freedom. Something glinted in Sten's eye.
"Come. If nothing else, I can help you regain your aqun." Sten said, turning away and walking away.
"My what?" I wondered, following him.
"Your balance of self."
Beta'd by FearaNightmare and Syutaku!
Another dark chapter, very sorry guys but the next one won't be as dark. Maybe.
Thank you Chimera Spyke and Syutaku for reviewing!
Guest: I'm glad you liked Eren enough to ship my character with him but as I replied on reviews before, Eren and Nia will NOT get together. She won't get together with anyone until Inquisition and I've also planned that romance. So any shipping until then will sink. :3