9:30 Guardian 12th

I followed Sten wordlessly as he led me out of Soldier's Peak and into the caves. I saw Eren give me a worried glance when he looked at my bloody wrist and hand but I shook my head. Sten led me away and we followed the torches until he took a turn where the torches didn't light. I stopped as Sten walked into the darkness. The innate fear of spiders was still there but I couldn't leave Sten waiting. I followed as well. I couldn't see and the only thing I could rely on were the sound of Sten's footsteps. They stopped and I bumped into Sten.

"We will now reach aqun here." Sten said.

"In the middle of a frigging, dark as hell cave?" I exclaimed.

"Yes." Sten said. I could barely even make out his image. I heard rustling and I could tell he sat down into a meditation pose. I followed suit. I had nothing else to do.

"So I'm guessing doing this in a cave will somehow give me a reason to give a f-"

"No."

"…So we're just going to sit in a frigging dark cave."

"If that is how you interpret it, then yes."

I pouted but I could barely make out Sten closing his eyes. I did the same. This was the same thing as breathing in and out, letting your mind empty and all that jazz. It kinda irritated me. I was pretty sure that this wasn't going to fix me.

"You are letting your mind wander."

"I can't help it. I keep on thinking."

"You should not."

"It isn't something I can just turn off. I've had a hell of a week. Dying does that to you, you know?"

"Then you are letting your emotions answer for you. You must find a clear path as to what you are. Only then can you find your balance. Unless you want to remain the way you are. You humans seem to let your uncontrollable desires and wants control you."

"I'm getting the feeling that wasn't a compliment."

"It wasn't." Sten huffed. "What you are is not something that can be found. You must look as to what you can provide and what you excel at to understand your importance to the group. Find it and, perhaps, you may find an answer to your question of purpose."

Sten was helping me in his own way. Either he cared or he just doesn't want me to be a burden. Either way, it was something that I could do. I would rather do this than wait around until my dark mind festers.

It was tough sitting cross legged on uncomfortable ground but the act of breathing was calming me down. Little by little, I started to think about the Qunari philosophy. Everything had a place. Everyone had something to offer. Even those with their broken minds can still help. It wasn't the perfect society. It still had its flaws even though it touted to be perfect but I can understand where they were coming from.

A rock going against the tide will eventually be worn down into sand. There was no point in fighting the inevitable. Everything that is, must be. I started to become introspective. I put my problems into a pile and started to look at them bit by bit. I had to stop and use my mind instead of just flying off by my own darker mind.

First thing was first: How to get home. Halo said I had to wait. How long? I don't know. Instead of wallowing over it, I should let myself be taken in. Why fight against the story when I'm already a part of it? Sure I can hunker down in a city or go traveling but unfortunately I can't leave things be. It's the reason why I was still here in the first place. I'm not the person to go abandoning everything. I wasn't that selfish. I still had my ring. I still had my memories. I also still had my life so I got that going for me there.

Ok, that was on thing down. That wasn't so bad. Now to tackle my anger. My anger stems from guilt. Guilt for the indecision and illogical anger shifted from that guilt to Eren. Logically, it wasn't his fault but, as all humans are selfish, even I'm selfish. I didn't want to put all that blame on myself so I put it on Eren. It was easy to blame him. His life was the reason I was here…but I made that decision to save him. I saved him and Oren even if he was a jerk. Still kinda is though.

I wasn't able to sacrifice anyone and now I can't. At least that option is now scrapped from the table. Now I can work toward a future where I don't have to sacrifice anyone. As long as Halo becomes powerful, I may be able to at least secure a foothold of myself in this world. If that's the case, everyone won't die. It wasn't Eren's fault but it wasn't mine either. I didn't know that I had to make that decision before Soldier's Peak. Flemeth never told me 'when' it was bound to happen only that it 'was.' It's like telling someone they're going to be murdered eventually but not when. It wasn't their fault they got killed even if they were being careful. Ok I think that metaphor got away from me but it does the trick.

Being angry at Eren was stupid. I'm only blaming him because it was easy. There was no grudge to be placed on him when he didn't even know what he was doing. He even thanked me for not sacrificing him and Oren. It still hurt though but being angry wasn't the solution. So stop being so stupid. Stupid me isn't going to solve everything. I'll tell Eren the whole truth so that he could finally understand. I hope that doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

I breathed in and out again. Systematically going through my emotions and tearing them down to their roots so that I can see what the true problem was. Louis would have been proud of me.

The only thing that was causing trouble was my depression. It was one hell of a mental disease. Dopamine, I think that is what it was, was the chemical that caused you to feel happy. Depression is the lack of that chemical causing a reaction that makes you undergo depression. It is a chemical imbalance yet, at the same time, also a battle of wills. Taking chemicals can help, therapy also helps, having your family help you makes a tremendous difference. Everything that I don't have basically. It can come in spurts and it varies from day to day. It wasn't something that goes away so easily. It helps to have a goal though. Short term goals can help you from a day to day basis.

Long term goal: Getting back home. Short team goal: Getting back on my feet. If there was one thing I hated was being a burden and being useless. I was being both at this point. Breathe in and out. I had to focus. I can't get derailed. Some days are going to be difficult but if I can depend on others, it won't be as hard. I can't afford to be this way especially with the state of the world. The Archdemon won't wait for me to get out of my funk.

And so just like that one person said in that one movie, it's time to nut up or shut up. For now, my depression is not going to go away for a minute. It took me nine months last time before I was able to actually feel normal. Let's see how long this time will take.

What's my purpose? To go home. What am I? For now, a warrior. Who am I?

Well, I'm me. Imperfect as they come but at least I'm not running away.

"Have you found your answer?" Sten asked.

"Yes I have."

"And that is?"

"I'm a warrior that's going to help stop the Archdemon and find a way back home." I announced. I exhaled for a long time before I felt a rise of emotion. Hope was hard to kill.

"Good then let us be off." Sten got up.

"Wait. I'm going to need help."

"Why?"

"…I haven't been able to feel my butt or legs for probably the past half hour."

Sten groaned as he lifted me up and draped me over his shoulder like a sack of flour. It was kinda fun. Sten was a good man. I can see why he became the Arishok. We eventually exited the cave with the others looking wide eyed at the fact that Sten was carrying me. Wynne got all up in a bunch when she saw my wrist again. She healed my hand but didn't heal my wrist so I could learn my lesson. I swore that I wouldn't do it again.

After that, I helped gather supplies into our packs. We would be leaving tomorrow once Mikhael was done forging Eren a new sword. Sophia destroyed his family sword. Eren found metal in a crater. Starfang I'm betting on.

Zevran and I hung out as we gathered everything. Alfred was very interested in my wrist but I petted him and threw him a stick a few times to calm him down. Zevran asked about it. I told him I got low again. He allowed me to hug him for a long time again. Derek whistled and I gave him the finger.

The day was over. Tomorrow was a new day.

9:30 Guardian 13th

I got up in the early morning when everyone was asleep to go meditate outside. I found a dry patch near the forge and sat down, making sure that I sat comfortably to not cause my legs to sleep again. The stars were beautiful and the moons were half full. Today I can say that I was a good 50%, not yet there but not low enough to search for something to hurt myself.

I stayed like that until I noticed the sun slowly rising. It hit Soldier's Peak before coming down in a beautiful ray of orange and yellow. I could see colors. That was a step in the right direction. I got up and stretched. Today was the day we would be heading out. I heard the horses stamp their feet and I went towards the stable. I kept myself at a distance. Horses were finicky creatures. I made sure not to look at them in the eyes either.

"Ah you're already up?" Derek came by.

"Been up for probably an hour now." I said.

"Good, you can help me set up Lily to go through the caves with us." Derek explained.

"Wait what?" I wondered.

"Levi says that he's going to stick around here. He gave us his horse and wagon. Better than walking everywhere. Gives us some resting time and a place to sleep, it's great!" Derek laughed.

"But it's winter. How's Lily going to eat?" I wondered.

"Not to worry about it! We got some grain in from Amaranthine so she'll be good. As soon as we reach Redcliffe, I'm sure they'll have some stock for us." Derek said, going into the stables and putting the reigns on Lily.

"So we really are going to Redcliffe then." I sighed.

"Did you want to go somewhere else?" Derek asked.

"No, not really. What do you need me to do?" I asked.

"Light a torch. I know we've got a path through the caves but Lily still gets spooked by the darkness. As long as we have someone in front with it, she won't be as scared." Derek explained. I nodded. Derek showed me where the torches are and we lit one. He had Lily by the reigns and I led them toward the caves. I moved slowly as our footsteps and the horses hooves echoed in the caves. I was following the torches out, slightly shaking because of fear of spiders.

"You've changed missy." Derek said.

"How so?" I wondered.

"I know the look you have. Many in Dust Town had that same lifeless look you had. We find them often you know? Bodies. You don't need someone else to do that job. One person and done." Derek explained. My grip on the torch became tighter.

"I lost my family twice. I visited them, only for a day. Now I don't even know when I'm going home. I'm trying though." I said.

"That's where the difference comes in. Ah, I know how it feels not being able to see your family. It's been almost 3 years since I've seen my baby sister. I can't even contact her either. There's no mail to be delivered for casteless." Derek laughed sadly.

"But you're a Grey Warden now. You can go back and see her anytime, well once the Blight is over anyway. I don't have that same luxury." I shot back.

"Missy…is it really true you're not from this world?" Derek asked. I turned and he regarded me with a serious expression.

"I've said it already. If you don't believe me that's your own decision but I know the truth. I'm not from here and I don't belong here either." I ended it at that and kept on walking.

"I've seen a lot of shit go on in my day and there's still tons of things that's being discovered everyday. Ancestors, we even got dragons again! For what it's worth, I believe you. You're not like the rest of us but don't go around saying you don't belong here either missy. For one, I think you're a valued member of our team. Don't go around saying you don't belong. I bet that a few would be sad if you ever left." Derek sighed.

We stopped talking after that. I led him out of the cave and breathed the chill air deeply. Derek took the torch and led the horse toward a clearing. The wagon was covered and hidden. He tied up the horse and nodded.

"That should be good. Lily is all set with the wagon. Time to gather everyone up and head onto Redcliffe." Derek exhaled happily.

"You'll see your sister again." I said. Derek laughed.

"That will be a sight for sore eyes." Derek grinned. We walked back through the cave and I saw Mikhael sharpening a glistening sword. Derek even whistled.

"Wow, that looks pretty." I mentioned.

"Ay, now to kick some asses into gear!" Derek guffawed. I shook my head at his antics. I went to the packs that we made yesterday and started to bring them through the cave. The snow wasn't as high as I thought it would be and I wondered if it was going to be a short winter. Groundhog day anyone?

When I went back to get some more I noticed that Eren was giving his new sword a few swings. Alistair came up and they both had their warden gear on. It was odd seeing it so early in this story. I guess I can't really say anything considering that I was going to wear it too. I went back inside as everyone was gathering everything. I changed into my new armor and strapped in my daggers. I sighed. I was going to fight again and I won't have Halo. I felt strangely naked.

"How are you feeling?" Zevran came up.

"Weird." I said. Zevran chuckled and we both went out. This was going to be a dark point in my memories but it was something I had to live with. There wasn't much small talk as we got everything together. I thanked Levi and his brother for everything they did for us and all of us went through the cave.

"I can't believe we're going back to Redcliffe! Unfortunately we're going to be visiting in winter. It's not as green." Alistair sighed.

"It's not going to be winter forever. Spring is going to come and no Ferelden is not entirely brown." I chuckled.

"You have only seen a part of Ferelden. I am sure we are going to find mud fill holes that smell like dog." Zevran said.

"That is not something that I am looking forward to." Sten grumbled.

"I can't wait for spring. I hope to find a specific flower." Leliana sighed wistfully. I saw Talen stare and rub his chin.

"Truly? What is this idea that all women want an item that will eventually wither and dry?" Morrigan scoffed.

"Not everyone is like you. I just want a warmer climate." I replied.

"Or at least more hunting game." Eren mentioned. Alfred barked.

"Well we can list off all the wants that we have in this world but now we have Bann to visit." Wynne said. She got in the wagon followed by Eren, Morrigan, and Alistair. The rest of us were walking. Derek whipped at Lily's reigns and we set off one more time. I wasn't at 100% and I wasn't sure when I'd be back there.

I had two legs though so I had to get up and start walking.

Beta'd by FearaNightmare and Syutaku!

I am so sorry everyone for such a late update. My health went through a nose dive now that BABY number 3 has come. This pregnancy is not a good one, headaches, insomnia, and constant state of queasiness has left me extreme exhausted both physically and mentally. I will be taking a month long break until I break through the first trimester and finally can get back on my feet again. In the meantime, now that we're getting closer to 200 reviews, I will remind everyone that whoever gets THE 200TH REVIEW gets a spoiler for my Inquisition story for the future!

Shout out to SoulAndMakaLover, DoomBug (Welcome back!), and NPC200 for favoriting/following! Thank you Chimera Spyke and Syutaku for reviewing! Please Review!