9:30 Guardian 24th

I pushed the event of Rael out of my mind. There was no time to think about what happened. We had a job to do, a goal to accomplish, and that was to figure out where Genitivi has gone. I already knew but, even then, I don't know exactly where Haven is. Haven…the name always brings up the future. Well, no worries about that!

We found the tavern. Leliana went in and asked about Genitivi. They said that he lived nearly in front, three doors adjacent to the tavern. Once we got that, we walked over to the house and knocked. No one came through.

"Maybe he's in the bath?" Talen wondered. I jangled the door and it was open.

"If he was then he needs to have the locks replace." I went in with the others following me. We went past the foyer and there was a single man at the table. There were papers on the table strewn about. He noticed us and quickly covered up the papers with the table cloth.

"Ah visitors." He got up.

"We were looking for Brother Genitivi. We knocked but no one answered. Since the door was open we allowed ourselves inside. Is he here?" I asked.

"And who are you?" Talen wondered.

"Oh…" The man fidgeted before getting up. He was slouching slight, keeping close to the table. I saw Leliana's eyes flicker slightly. Something has caught her eye. "My name is Weylon, Genitivi's assistant. If you wish to meet with him, I'm afraid you'll have to leave disappointed. He's been gone for several weeks."

"Do you know where he's gone?" Talen wondered.

"No don't ask me that. I'm sure his research on the Urn is what brought you here but Maker knows where he is now. I have not seen or heard word of him. I fear the worst. His research of the Urn of Sacred Ashes might have put him in danger." Weylon explained.

"Danger? I'm sure the urn is merely a lost relic. There can't be danger surrounding it if it's been lost for centuries." Leliana said.

"Maybe the urn was lost for a reason! I-I tried to send for help but the knight from Redcliffe came looking for him and his research. I have sent them to where Genitivi last contacted me and they have all vanished." Weylon fidgeted with his fingers.

"How do you know they have vanished?" Leliana asked.

"Th-they haven't contacted me at all." Weylon stuttered.

"Where have they vanished?" I asked.

"No. I won't tell you. You'll only follow them and meet the same ill-fate as they have. Searching for the Urn is a curse. A holy relic like the urn shouldn't be found." Weylon insisted.

"I'm sure we're stronger than the knights you helped. Tell us." Talen said.

"Fine." Weylon sighed. "He recently told me that he would be staying at an inn at Lake Calenhad. He found evidence there and went to investigate."

"How recent could he have told you? You said he had been gone for weeks." Leliana caught on.

"You are hiding something, aren't you?" I said.

"No! I have told you everything I know!" He started to panic. "Brother Genitivi told us-told me about the inn and that's all!" I grabbed onto my daggers and rushed forward, my knuckles boring into his stomach. Weylon coughed and made retching sounds before I tripped him. I put my boot on his chest and he coughed out air.

"You want to start telling us the truth this time?" I asked. Weylon glared at me before his hands started to light with magic.

"Andraste forgive me, I do this in your name!" He shouted as I stepped back and avoided his lightning spell. Leliana was a quick draw and got his heart with an arrow. Weylon stumbled toward the table before pulling on the cloth and falling dead on the floor, the papers flying around.

"Why would his assistant attack us?" Talen went and prodded Weylon. I went to the back door and opened it, a foul smell coming from the room.

"Ugh, that's why." We all came into the back room and found a corpse stuffed into the room's back corner. On the desk next to the mattress was a very worn journal. Talen picked it up and leafed through the pages before something fell out on the ground. Leliana picked it up and we found a map with directions to the village of Haven. There were sparse notes but all summed up that this is where Genitivi last went.

"Someone planted a fake assistant and kept anyone from going to this village. This is where we shall find our wayward Brother." Leliana said, putting the map into her pack.

"Well we found all we needed to find. Let's get going." I said. Leliana and Talen nodded. We went to the abandoned warehouse without any fuss and put on our chantry clothes again. We stepped out and headed toward the stables. We found Sten listening to the Horsemaster of Denerim. Oddly, Sten was listening intently before noticing our approach.

"Fine day to you my qunari friend." The Horsemaster left and Sten looked at us with a stare.

"We got what we needed. We have to go to Redcliffe and regroup." I explained. Sten nodded and we all got into the wagon. Leliana headed out with Lily, the last of the sunset falling through the background. We got as far as Dragon's Peak before we settled in the forest surrounding it. It was as small as Redcliffe though they were primarily focused on farming and logging.

Leliana had taken first watch. I was in the tent while Talen and Sten slept in the wagon. I couldn't sleep again either. What happened with Marjolaine and Rael stuck with me today. In the end, after tossing and turning for an hour, I got out. Leliana was staring into the fire, singing quietly. She noticed my presence and gave me space on the log she was sitting on.

"You have something on your mind don't you?" Leliana asked.

"I was about to ask you the same thing and I'm worried about you." I answered. Leliana sighed and threw more of the bark into the fire.

"I've been thinking about what happened between me and Marjolaine in Denerim. I spent years in Lothering and yet Marjolaine thought I was still plotting against her. All this time, I thought she trusted me when I was her apprentice but she never did. When she had me in the palm of her hand, when she could use me and control me, she loved me. When she no longer needed me, all she wanted to see was my death. I thought I knew her but I realized…I never knew her." Leliana explained.

"That happens and it does suck when we realize it. In the beginning, she never thought of anyone else but her. All she did was don the mask of the caring mentor. Once she got what she needed, she got rid of you. It's hard to understand why she did it and it's best that we don't. Even at the best of relationships, everyone has something to hide." I said.

"I knew how ruthless she can be but not how far she would go to attain what she sought. She was self-absorbed and cruel." Leliana's voice took a hard edge but I could see the way she shook. "She took people in and introduced them to the life she led. Once she was done with you, she disposed of you and that is how she lived her life…Then after thinking about all of this, I can't help but think what if we're the same? What's if she's right? What if I am just like her? Maybe…" Leliana held her face in her hands. "Maybe I should have stayed in the Chantry."

"You said the Maker wanted you to-"

"Maybe I was wrong about the Maker!" Leliana cut me off. She stood up and walked away from the fire. "I know you doubt me. Everyone doubts my vision! Even in the cloister, they doubted me but I felt safe there. My life as a bard was forgotten. I felt peace. I didn't need to watch my back all the time for someone waiting to backstab me. Marjolaine let that consume her, it made her into what she was and it will ruin me too!" Leliana bit her lip and stared into the fire, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "It's already happening. When I saw you kill her, even if it wasn't I dealing the finishing blow…to see her dead in front of my eyes…It gave me the grandest satisfaction." Leliana explained.

"She framed you, betrayed you, and left you for dead." I stated.

"That is no reason to find joy in her death! That is what she would feel, what SHE would do! I don't want to become like that." Leliana shouted, her feelings becoming stronger and stronger with every word. "The things we've done and we're doing, it exhilarates me, it excites me. It's scaring me Nia, I feel myself slipping." Leliana hugged herself. "I went into the Chantry, hoping that it would show me another path. I thought that I was through with this life. Am I wrong?" Leliana looked at me, hoping to find an answer with me. There were two ways I could have done this of course. I could tell her, yes she is turning into Marjolaine. I could tell her to find solace in the Chantry and that she shouldn't focus on those feelings of accomplishment from going back into this kind of life but this isn't a game. This was her life. She needed me to tell her something. The world isn't black and white and neither are your feelings.

So I chose neither.

"Sit down Leliana." I patted my space. Leliana was hesitant but did so. I was quiet for a moment before breathing in.

"My betrayal was different from yours. I'm sure that you and Marjolaine probably were something a little closer than mentor and apprentice. When I was young, I wanted to help people but didn't really know how to go about it. In the end, I found someone but things weren't good from the beginning. We were both in the wrong for using each other and it became a toxic relationship for both of us. We eventually broke up in the end but I couldn't stop remembering all the things he did me wrong. The things he said, the secrets he gave away, the things he threatened me with, and what he did to me physically." I remembered the lowest point of my life. The feeling where I felt I was a prisoner in my own home. I couldn't even call my other friends or even talk to them and the utter fear of leaving to find him outside.

"Of course things got better. I found my husband, I got everything I wanted. I heard that he was going through a tough time. When my friend told me everything that was happening with it, I relished the feeling of finally knowing he's suffering, that he's getting what he deserved for what he did to me. Those feelings are natural Leliana. Our emotions are complex and feeling happy that someone got their payback is not wrong. What is wrong though is how Marjolaine was. She was narcissistic, only thinking about herself. Didn't you see that her paranoia consumed her? How she looked when you finally found her?" I asked.

"She wasn't well…" Leliana mentioned now that she thought about it.

"Exactly. She couldn't find peace in the choices she made. They brought her deeper in her illusions that you were eventually going to kill her. In the end, she chose her own path. If she could have saw that you were serious in your faith, this wouldn't happen. But no, her delusions told her that you were merely biding your time. In the end, it was her delusions that killed her because she forced your hand. You are different though Leliana. You saw the mistakes that she has caused and you have a choice to grow Leliana. If you want, you can become her." I shrugged.

"No." Leliana shook her head.

"On the other hand, you can continue the way you've been. You can still do good things for the world, for others, for your friends and loved ones. No one is telling you not to follow on what you believe is right. Even if you feel those bad emotions, just process them but don't let them consume you. There is a concept that I had back home of good in bad and bad in good. The world isn't black and white, or right and wrong. There are times when you can group them together but in its entirety, the world is grey upon grey." I motioned to my hands.

"Life is a scale and we are the middle. The good and the bad are weighed on our hands. I kill," My left hand went lower, "But I do repent and pray for those that I killed." My hand went back up. "In the end, we are a balance. Yes you find this life exciting but you still stop and help those that need it like the girl in Redcliffe. You didn't just ignore those people in the Chantry. You talked to them and you gave them hope. Yet there is also Leliana that can kill people by shooting them in the heart or right through the head. There are two sides to you but that doesn't mean they have to remain separate." I brought my hands together. "In the end, those two sides come together and become you. You have control of your destiny with the Maker right behind you. You are you because the decision that YOU choose, not the decisions of others." I placed my hand on top of hers and looked her in the eye. "I believe in you Leliana and what you believe is right."

Leliana's tears fell silent before she hugged me tight. I patted her back as she cried into my shoulder. It was one of the things my husband had to teach me. The world was grey, we are grey but we can choose who we are and what we feel. There are times when I get caught up of course. Killing will always be evil to me but I will always repent.

"Thank you for believing in me." Leliana said. "My faith will keep me strong because you showed me that." She broke the hug. "Perhaps I will allow myself some form of comfort now that Marjolaine is gone but I won't stop helping others. I will admit, I was slightly bored in the Chantry." She chuckled lightly.

"It's a life that's hard to choose." I shrugged. "I think that you might have been in Lothering because the Maker sent you to us through there. There are no coincidences in life only what is. I'd like to believe something led you to us."

"Yes." Leliana gave me a bright smile. "You have given me a lot to think about."

"Good because now that I know you're feeling better, I'm going to get shut eye. Don't forget to wake up Talen after this ok?" I said, getting up. Leliana nodded. I went back into my tent and felt better than ever before.

9:30 Guardian 25th

We got hit by some bandits halfway through near the Brecilian forest. They were a small group though and we were able to get in some good hits. After taking their coin away, not like they were going to need it, we were on our way again. Sten and I didn't make small talk, instead we talked philosophy and I tried comparing it to the Qun.

"Everyone serves a purpose under the Qun, and everyone can find purpose under the Qun. No one is different either so long as they are all working together to form one machine right?" I asked.

"We all serve. Nothing is waste and all are one. Even the smallest of men can be reformed. Whether they be warriors, priests, or builders. We all serve." Sten explained.

"But only the tamassarans are the ones that can speak for the Qun right? The ones that go into the writings of…what was it again?" I asked.

"Koslun. They are the only one with a name. The Qun is asit tal-eb-it is to be. We all have our purpose, we all have our order." Sten explained.

"It doesn't sound that bad." Talen hummed. "And everyone can become a Qunari?"

"No. Those that become integrated into our culture are called Viddathari. They serve us and the tamassarans put them where they are needed. They study the Qun and live to understand it. Even I cannot speak for the Qun, only the priests are allowed to do that. I am a warrior." Sten explained.

"Everyone serves a purpose, no matter how small. When looking at it, it's seem pretty cozy but the thing about the Qun is that it revolves around the whole, the 'We' not the person. No individualism, you work like nature." I said.

"We all work as one." Sten said. "It is what is wrong with your culture. Your baker wants to be a merchant, your merchant wants to be a noble, and the noble wants to be a warrior. No one has accepted their place. Your culture is as chaotic as your wars."

"Well you're not wrong there but the individual has been placed with more value than the whole. It's how everyone works out here but this is where the Qun and everything else is different. Your teachings require that everyone must be put into a role. For someone who can't easily find what they can do, for someone to tell them to go and do something they are ok at, it's good. Even then, humanity doesn't regularly follow through. There is the need to find who we are and what we are capable of without assistance. To be able to make something of ourselves and push beyond our limits is something that we all wish to acquire." I explained.

"It is nonsense. You cannot become more than what you are. You are born with traits that make you into a warrior or a priest." Sten said.

"That's the thing, you guys aren't flexible in your teachings. It's all rigid. You are one thing and one thing only until you show competence in something else. Someone who is a warrior can find themselves as something more. Who knows? Maybe they have a knack for farming or maybe even being an ambassador. Shit, I was only a cook until I found myself in Ferelden and now I can fight and protect others. There's a saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I nodded.

"What's a lemon?" Talen asked. I gaped at him.

"You seriously don't know what a lemon is!?" I nearly yelled and Talen was taken aback.

"There is only certainty and, if there isn't, then there is only cause for chaos. There is a manner and place for all. No one is something more." Sten said.

"But there is always the possibility for something to become more. It's how we can imagine new machines, new spells. The sky is the limit so long is someone works hard enough. Humans used to live in caves and fight with rocks and now look at them." I said.

"Hardly much of a difference." Sten huffed. I laughed at that. Eventually we came at an impasse and we both knew that we wouldn't win each other over so we agreed to disagree. Either way, I could tell that Sten was a little happy to be talking to someone that understood the 'We' mentality. It's nice on paper but considering that there are unscrupulous means to keep everything and everyone in order in the Qun, it makes it not so nice. Saar-qamek is one hell of a poison.

Once nighttime came, Sten and I went back into our meditations and our stances. He walked around as I stood with my weapon. He nodded at my crouching method to make myself a smaller target though he frowned slightly at my armor choice.

"Why must you were something heavy? If you are going to be the one striking in the shadows, you must be quick and precise." Sten frowned.

"I know it's weird but Eren trained me this way. I was trained for two years wearing heavy armor, how to run in it and fight in it. I'm not that slow with it and it also allows me to be in the thick of things." I answered.

"A fight is worse when it drags on. An immediate response to kill our enemy is the most certain way to end a battle." Sten said.

"I agree but we're not exactly fighting against mages and people. We're fighting against darkspawn and they like to swarm. We also need to be careful not to get blood into our system. A defending position is sometimes better than an offensive one. Strategy Sten, the better I'm covered, the lesser chance I'll get infected with the Blight." I explained.

"Your point…is an educated one." Sten grumbled. "If there is a chance of infection, I will cut you down."

"I wouldn't have it any other way big guy." I smiled at him and he huffed. I think I might be getting through to him.

9:30 Guardian 26th

In one more day we should be reaching Redcliffe. We had a rain today which was an improvement over the snow, slightly. It was freezing cold rain but Leliana managed to find us an abandoned home. There were more of these now since the Blight hit. Sten was outside training in the rain while we set up in front of the fireplace to warm up. How Sten did not get a cold was beyond me.

Talen was scribbling between two tomes again, mumbling some words here and there. I didn't know much about magical theory but he seemed really entranced in what Avernus showed him. Leliana looked at him while she cooked us a simple stew of a ram that we had found. Rams mean hinterlands.

"I have thought about what you have said Nia and I will accept all that I have done, all that I feel but will push my faith first. I hope the Maker will see my redemption once I see him." Leliana sighed.

"He will don't worry." I said. I saw Talen looking at us at a side glance before he went back to his work.

"I like you the way you are Leliana. I'm glad you're not going to change." Talen said, writing something else in his tome. Leliana softly smiled at that.

"I owe you an apology." Leliana said. Talen looked up at her. "When I had heard what you were learning from Avernus…I had judged you for learning that branch. I had thought you better than that and was saddened at the path you chose. Ever since we have left Soldier's Peak, you haven't even used it during our battles and was guilty for using it at Redcliffe. I will have faith that you won't be using it irresponsibly."

"What? No way am I using it like others. I'm trying to combine it actually with the Grey Warden's blood and all of that is self-experimentation. I have a theory, well theories, that I'm working on but I'll do it in a manner where it's controlled. I'm not going to let others get hurt by my blood magic. I was serious when I said I was going to research the Blight and how to improve the lands that were wrecked by it. Mark my words, Lothering will be habitable by the time a decade passes. I promised you and I don't break any promises I make." Talen explained, his ears and face getting redder by the minute. He still had that scowl as he was reading but it felt more of embarrassment, rather than anger.

I saw Leliana smile the entire time the stew was cooking. I was torn on what to say especially since Alistair confessed to her but I'll let it play out naturally. I suck at romance after all.

Beta'd by Syutaku!

Finally I got one chapter out on time even if there were some problems on my own end, I strived to do so for you guys!

Thank you Chimera Spyke for your review! I love all the philosophical things you write for me :) Please Review!