CHAPTER FIFTEEN: WILD AT HEART
You're the flame,
The fire,
But most of all -
You're the spark.
( The Spark , William Prince )
THURSDAY
JASPER
Maybe I should stop her, but I don't.
She's a strange thing - on the outside, Alice is put together.
Done up almost too good.
Looking from a distance, she is practiced. She is graceful. She is finished, and clean, and well-behaved. Every bit of her seems to be made of impenetrable, indestructible marble. But then I get up close, and none of that is true. What churns under the surface of her skin is hot, and furious, and aching for attention. Looking close, I see that her marble surface is melting thinner and thinner, waxing into the chaos underneath.
She is far from perfect.
Alice is a wild thing, trapped in a cage of her own design. It's beautiful to see her up close, and decorated and trained, but I know that just like any other creature, she deserves to be imperfect and free.
Someone's got to let her loose. And selfishly, I want to be the one to do it.
So I don't stop her.
I let Alice be wild, and make mistakes, and strip down to her underwear whenever she so fucking pleases. I give Alice the space to be whatever version of herself she's been avoiding, or hiding, or craving to be, and each and every moment of my one-woman-experiment has lead to further success - has led to this.
It's the most genius thing I've ever done.
Because Alice - totally unhinged, wandering half-naked through the woods - is more fucking wonderful than anything I've been gifted in my life. I'd thank God, if he had anything to do with it.
"Is it safe?" Alice asks me, in that same voice that tugged me to bed last night. She walks backwards effortlessly, one foot directly behind the other, like a trained dancer.
Something jumps in my chest.
"Guess we're gonna have to jump in and find out," I tease, trying hard not to be unhinged by the her languid movements, or her near-nakedness.
I know for a fact the spring is safe. The deepest it gets is eight feet. Ten, maybe. It's rocky under the surface, and slippery as all hell, but so long as she doesn't jump headfirst -
So long as someone's in there to keep her safe -
Oh.
I make quick work of the buttons on my shirt.
Alice laughs in utter delight and turns to face the hard edge of earth only a few inches in front of her. She leans out over the water, one hand clutching a nearby tree, and she slips one foot into the water. "Oh," Alice says, laughing again, "it's so hot ."
Is she doing that on purpose?
Her milky skin glows purple against the moonlit sky, like white fabric under ultraviolet light. It stops and starts against the hard black lines of her underwear, soft and tempting and close enough to touch, if I wanted to.
"Yeah," I say, trying not to let on to how worked up she's got me in such a short span of time.
Alice tries to ease her way in from the spot she's at, but I know for a fact that it's deceptively deep just below her.
I kick my boots off my feet, then my jeans and socks, and rush across the grass to grab Alice before she gets the shock of her life. "Hold on," I say, laughing when she gasps in surprise. I plant a kiss to her temple and start dragging her towards a fallen tree a few feet away. "This way's better," I tell her quietly.
We walk, a tangle of happy, sweaty limbs, out onto the fallen tree I've used just the same since I was young. Hands clasped between us, I lead Alice out along the slowly rotting trunk, until we're hovering a few feet into the spring. The water underneath us is still as a sheet of glass - but it won't be for long.
I take a deep breath, let go of Alice's hand, and only let myself dwell on the water quality for a split second before jumping right in, like I used to do so carelessly. It's been years since I've come down here to swim - and I'm a couple of feet taller to boot - so my feet hit the rock bottom only a split second after my head disappears under the surface. The water is warmer than the bath, as clean and sweet it ever was. I push against the rocks below me and rise to the surface to find Alice there, laughing in delight.
The grin on my face hurts my cheeks it's so wide. I can't help the excited holler that escapes me. I can't help but shake my head like a wet dog, all in hopes to hear her laugh again.
When we both finally settle, I encourage Alice to follow in after me. "Come on," I say, "you gotta jump."
"I know!" She huffs - still grinning - and waves me off.
Alice moves to jump into the water. She gets half-crouched, folds herself in the direction of the water, and then hesitates. She tries again with the same results.
I move closer, until I'm close enough to grab on to Alice and pull her in if I wanted. It's shallower here. I can stand up no problem, but I'm not sure if Alice will be able to do the same. Maybe that's what's got her nervous, I think. I reach out my arms again, and test my theory by promising to catch her no matter what.
It works.
Finally, she jumps.
Just before Alice's shoulders disappear under the water, my arms curl tight around her bare waist. Her hands land hard on my shoulders. Her feet squirm against my legs.
Here we are again. Together. Close.
We haven't spent more than twenty minutes apart from last night to now, but somehow it hasn't been enough. I'm nowhere near satiated. I need contact. I need this.
Her hands fly up to my head, making quick work of pushing all the wet, matted hair off my face. She keeps laughing and laughing, like this is the most ridiculous thing she's ever done, and dear God it's contagious. I start at it, too.
Before I figure out what's so funny, Alice's mouth is hot on mine. She melts against my body, everywhere except for where her fingers have tangled themselves into my hair. I kiss her hard, and simple, and sturdy, like it's the first time all over.
I can feel her heart pounding hard against my chest, and every muscle in her back loosen when I spread my fingers out across it. Her legs hook over my hips and I work us both over towards the easternmost side of the spring, where there's a rock that pushes into the water like a jagged, natural sort of ledge. I set her down there, but Alice doesn't let go. She tightens her legs around me, effectively locking me in place.
Alice pulls back, thirsty for air. I lean my forehead against hers, eyes open wide to make out all the details of her flushed face against the darkness. She tangles her fingers into my hair. I can feel her curling a piece around her finger, again and again and again. It's so soothing, I might just fall asleep here in the water.
While Alice works magic with my hair, I rub my thumb back and forth over the spot where it rests on her ribs. This spot was peaceful before, but it's fucking heavenly now.
"Well this is nice," she says, maybe the biggest understatement I've heard from her yet.
I chuckle, the airy sound betraying how breathless I am. "Guess you're not missin' dinner so much, huh?" I ask.
Alice's teeth sink into her bottom lip, like she's trying to contain the ridiculous smile on her face. I don't see the point, really. It's bigger than her face. There's no missing that smile. "Not so much," she agrees.
She settles into my arms, two wet, pruney hands cradling my face. Alice's bug eyes almost glow in the dark, just enough to overtake the rest of her features when she's this up close. Alice leans closer, until our foreheads our touching. She doesn't close her eyes. She doesn't even blink. She just watches, and breathes, and watches some more.
I watch her, too.
Alice shifts to press another kiss to my parted lips.
"Can I tell you something strange?" She whispers, her thumb brushing across my cheek.
"Anythin' at all."
Alice shifts closer, and closer still, until her arms are wrapped around my neck. "I think I knew you were coming."
Her forewarning was right - this is strange.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I just did," Alice mutters. "Maybe I didn't know it'd be you exactly, but - I knew there was something for me here. I just knew," she says. "I had this feeling deep in my gut that this - I don't know - that this place was where I had to be."
I bring one hand up to absently play with her hair as she speaks.
"And I was so anxious to get here," Alice tells me, her voice weighted with something serious. "But maybe I wasn't. Maybe it felt like anxious, but it was actually excited, you know? Maybe part of me knew that -" she laughs again. I think it's a nervous tick. "- knew that you'd be here."
"You tryin' to tell me you're psychic?" I jokingly ask, lightening her revelation with a little humour.
Totally straight faced, she answers, "maybe."
"Really?"
Alice nods conspiratorially. "Sure," she says, stifling a smile. "Stuff like that - weird coincidences - keep happening my whole life. Like, the other night - before the roof caved in - I was fast asleep, dreaming that I was out in one of your fields, and it was pouring rain . And I had that same dream for weeks before showing up here. My family said it was nerves, but I just knew something was going to happen -"
"Well that makes sense," I answer plainly, unable to hide my delighted smile. "You were worried about the weather for your photoshoot, which you were right to be." It's fun playing skeptic .
"I wasn't dreaming of any old field. I was dreaming of this place before I saw it," Alice says.
It's hard to tell if she's joking or not. "You saw pictures," I suggest.
Alice shakes her head, the look on her face stuck growing less and humoured, more intense. "I'm talking months in advance! Before I ever saw any pictures. And even if I did see a picture or two, how'd I know it was going to rain?" She argues.
"Intuition," I suggest. " The weather forecast ."
"Was it forecasting rain?"
When I don't answer immediately, Alice keeps speaking. "When we got here, you told me-"
I find my voice. "- We were smack dab in the middle of a drought."
Alice nods. "And?"
"And it's rained every day since."
" Psychic ." She shoots back, victorious.
"Others'd call that bad luck," I mutter in reply, still stuck in the role of devil's advocate. Truthfully, I don't disbelieve Alice. Since she's shown up, it's been coincidence after coincidence, to the point where maybe I should be a little spooked.
"But I saw you, too," Alice says. "How can that be bad luck?" Her words are so wonderful, so warm against my face, that I wonder if I've fallen into a figment of my imagination.
I kiss her again, so fast and desperate it catches the psychic by surprise. Alice wraps her arms around my neck again, and her legs tighten around my waist. She's real - so fucking real . I sink us both further into the water, until the choppy ends of her short hair are submerged. Alice laughs against my mouth and the sound fills me with warm, bubbling joy.
When we finally break, I can't clear the smile off my face. I don't know the last time I smiled so much. Not since my dad died, at least. Not since I took over. Maybe since Maria, or that summer Rosalie and Em spent living here. I haven't been happy - not genuinely, truly so - for so long it feels unfamiliar. It feels brand new.
"I think you're right," I tell her, only pulling my mouth off hers to speak in broken intervals. "I think you might be magic."
"You believe me?" Alice asks with a laugh, her fingers tightening in my hair.
I nod my head firmly, reaching a hand up to tuck a strand of black hair behind her ear. "You must be. It all makes sense now."
"What all makes sense?" Alice asks.
"You," I say. "I've been tryin' to figure you out for days now - tryin' to figure out how you found me out here, in the middle of nowhere. It all felt too good to be true."
"That's what I was thinking," Alice says. Her smile falls into something far too humble. She goes quiet - very quiet - and brings her hands forward to cradle my face. "There's got to be some kind of reasonable explanation ."
"Well I think you've figured it out," I agree, the muscles in my face tired from all this smiling. As I speak, Alice's thumb starts tracing along my bottom lip, like she's drawing me out. Memorizing me. I hold on a little tighter, keeping her flush against my chest as she does whatever she damn well pleases.
"Now can I tell you somethin' strange?" I ask.
Alice nods, one hand sliding down to cradle the side of my face. "Anything at all," she echoes, doling out more of that magic.
"I'd give up everythin' I know to know you."
"Oh," she says flatly.
Not the reaction I expected.
"No," she says, brows furrowed tightly. After a sharp inhale, she explains: "I don't want you to do that." I so desperately want to interrupt, but the gentle pressure of Alice's hands against my face keeps me quiet. "You don't have to give anything up, remember? That's the whole point of this."
"I just think -"
"We both have so much to be thankful for. You have this amazing life here, and I - I have the same in New York, with my family , and that's -"
"I'm not askin' you to haul your whole life out here, but -"
"No," she says again, hands dropping from my face. " You don't understand. I'm giving you everything that I can. I told you what I wanted. Last night you said -"
"I know," I say. "I know. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be. One night is easy, I can handle - I can - I -I know how to be that kind of guy, Alice. But this isn't that. I can't be that disconnected person you want and still let myself be so close to you. I feel like I know you. I feel like I've got you. But I don't."
Alice sighs, tilting her head down until I can no longer see her eyes. She studies the water way too long, her little body tense in my arms. I expect her to push away, to try and leave, but she stays firmly planted in my arms. "I just - I don't think getting to know me is going to make that any easier."
I scoff. "You think we ain't already fucked? If I told you right now this was all over, are you tellin' me you'd be fine?"
She shakes her head. "No, it wouldn't," Alice says, eyes filling with sadness.
"You can't be half way in, half way out." I explain. "It just doesn't work that way. And I - I want to be in. I can be all in. I can find a way to make this work, you know? If you wanted me to try. But I - for the love of God - I can't figure out what you want."
The contorted expression on her face screams neither do I , but instead, Alice chooses to say, "I know - I'm sorry."
"What do you want?" I ask.
"I want what you want," she answers, catching me off guard. The air clears out of my lungs. Alice's hands land on my shoulders for a split second, then fly back up to my face. "I'm trying my best," Alice tells me. "I really am. Being here in general is a lot for me, so you are - I mean - as much as I joke, I am totally not prepared for any of this. I just need you to be patient with me."
I melt under her touch. The tension building in my back and shoulders releases, and my arms tighten their way around Alice's waist. "I can be patient," I say. "I can do that." It's a small ask. So long as I can know that Alice wants to untangle this mess we've made - to figure out a way forward together, somehow - I can be patient as a rock.
"Then I can try to-"
What the fuck?
Alice's nails dig into my skin, her warm, wet body desperately pressed against against mine.
"What was that?" She demands, voice ripe with fear.
Gunshot.
That was a gunshot.
"Alice, get dressed."
A/N:
OH WHAT WAs THAT?!
AM I TAKIN A HARD RIGHT TURN?
AM I ?
Idk guys guess you gotta wait and see !
ALSO: please feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you like, what you think could be improved upon, where you think the story is going, etc! It's your involvement that keeps me going / interested in writing this fic, so if you want more (or want something new!) let me know!
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