Mind Tricks
by Corellian Blue
(first published 2003, revised 2016, 2020)
Warnings: mental health issues
II
Night was settling across the forest. The warmth from the afternoon sun was slowly fading, and calls of insects and nocturnal creatures echoed across the treetops. In the distance, the sounds of the Ewoks nestled high in their village could be heard.
Leia stretched her legs out, propped her arms behind her and tilted her head towards the sky. The twilight hues had faded, darkened, and the stars were now visible. Sitting out in the clearing, in the shadow of the Millennium Falcon but away from the canopy of trees, it was the first time she had been able to see the night sky. The Endorian moon's atmosphere was pure and clear, and the stars shone brilliantly above her. Thinking about the stars only drew her thoughts back to Han.
Leia had returned from the medical frigate about two hours ago and had been disappointed to find that Han was not working on the Falcon. A slightly annoyed Chewbacca had told her that Solo had been missing for most of the day. He had no idea where the Corellian had gone, but when he turned up, the Wookiee promised to give him hell as the Falcon was not going to repair herself.
Chewie hadn't appeared worried about Han, and Leia reasoned there was no need for her to be worried. However, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was not quite right, and most of her feeling was due to Han's behaviour.
Han had physically recovered from the hibernation sickness, but the effects of being frozen in carbonite for ten Standard months—a year of semi-consciousness, sensory deprivation, and constant mental and physical agony—haunted him.
Leia was concerned with how Han now perceived things. He seemed to have trouble filtering and processing the information his senses took in, and his emotional responses were off the scale. The medication he had been taking had only created an illusion of normality. Once he was off the drofic, reality had hit her again. She loved him and would continue to stand by him and do everything possible to help. But Han was not the man who had been taken from her on Bespin.
"He'll be here shortly," Luke quietly assured her.
Leia tugged at the bandage around her arm and glanced at her new-found brother. "I know."
It had never disturbed her before that Luke had the uncanny ability to sense her feelings. But now he was her brother as well as a Force user, she wondered to what extent her private life would become transparent to him. The thought slightly irked her. The last thing she wanted was Luke tapping into emotions and sensations when she was intimate with Han—if they ever got that chance.
Luke did not look up as he placed kindling on the small fire he had lit, but she saw his smile in the flickering light.
"Then why are you worrying?" he asked her.
Because I'm afraid Han might not be able to cope with the fact that I'm Vader's daughter. That's why. I can't even cope with it.
The thought was horrifying. The monster who had destroyed so much in the galaxy—the monster who revelled in inflicting pain and suffering—was her father. And on a more personal level, Vader had tortured herself and Han; had made her watch as Alderaan had been obliterated; had frozen Han in carbonite; had cut off Luke's hand and nearly killed him.
Leia hadn't been prepared to deal with the revelation when Luke had first told her, and she wasn't prepared to deal with it now. She was adept at compartmentalising her reaction to stressful situations, and that is what she had been doing. Ignoring it for now; focusing on their victory; preparing for more work to come; directing her energy towards herself and Han.
Leia did not respond to Luke, instead taking the opportunity to loosen the bandage that had started to chafe on the synthflesh covering her blaster wound. She was almost grateful when Calrissian chose that moment to stomp down the ramp, momentarily blocking the light that spilled out from the freighter, his arms laden with a tray of food. He was chuckling and shaking his head in awe at the variety of fresh fruits and vegetables.
"Leia, you are a marvel!" Calrissian crowed as he brought the tray over to the fire. "I've always appreciated those friends who have contacts in high places. But you, my dear. Only you could come up with a spread like this."
Smiling tightly at the lavish praise, Leia started to rise. "Can I help?"
Calrissian placed the platter on a blanket that was spread out on the ground. "No, no, no, no! You're wounded! Besides, you provided all of this. The least you can allow us to do is prepare it for you."
Luke came to her side and placed an encouraging arm around her shoulders, causing her to flinch at his unexpected touch.
"Just relax and take it easy, Leia."
She settled back onto the ground, muttering at them, "I'm not an invalid."
Luke chuckled at her defensiveness. "No, but it would be good for you to have a rest."
"Oh, you can talk, Skywalker," she told him. "If anyone needs rest, it's you."
Luke followed Calrissian's lead and tried a wedge of the crimson-coloured fruit.
"You're right," Luke agreed as he munched on the sweet flesh. "That's why I'm heading back to Dagobah for a while. I need to re-charge just as much as anybody."
Re-charge. His reference was to the droids, Threepio and Artoo, who were currently back onboard a Mon Calamari cruiser undergoing repairs. But Leia understood what he was saying. His confrontation with the Emperor and Vader must have been draining, physically and emotionally. There were probably other issues he needed to resolve, both personal and Force-related. Despite this, she didn't feel comfortable that her brother was leaving her. She had hoped that between the two of them, they might have been able to help Han.
"When are you going? How long will you be away for?" she wanted to know.
"I thought I'd head off in the next day or so." He squeezed her shoulder. "Don't worry. I won't be gone for long. There's just a few things I need to take care of."
"But—"
"It'll get me out of your way. Give you and Han the chance to spend some time together."
"If he ever shows up," Calrissian interrupted with a laugh, his mouth full of food. "I've never known Han to be late when a meal is on the table."
Luke caught the way Leia's face stiffened, but instead of chiding Calrissian he steered the conversation in another direction. "I want to know where Chewie's gotten to with those falakik he promised."
Luke's nudge prompted Lando to his feet. "I'll go hurry him on."
Leia stared into the crackling fire. She only distantly heard Calrissian calling out to Chewbacca as he trudged back up the ramp, and having Luke sitting so close next to her only made her yearn for Han to be there.
Calrissian re-appeared, this time clutching drink flasks to his chest. He exchanged a few comments and laughter with Luke before passing out the drinks. Leia accepted the flask, but her smile was forced. Her eyes returned to the fire. Entranced, she watched the flames flicker as a gentle breeze drifted out from under the Falcon's landing gear.
Where the hell is Han?
An exuberant Wookiee bellow and the rich aroma of cooked meat had them all looking towards the ramp. Chewbacca was making a grand entrance with a plate piled high with skewered cubes of meat. Calrissian whooped with delight and rubbed his hands together, urging Chewbacca down towards the blanket. The noise and the spectacle distracted Leia enough that she missed Luke turning towards the darkness.
"Hello Han," Luke welcomed.
Leia's head whipped around, her eyes straining to see into the night.
The young Jedi beckoned with a tilt of his head and encouraged, "Come and join us."
Chewbacca added his own welcome, and then Leia finally saw Han as he moved forward into the light. He was still wearing the fatigues he'd been issued with for the mission, which was probably why she had been unable to see him until he was only a few metres away. Luke's Force sense had obviously allowed him to detect Han's approach from some distance, and Chewbacca's refined hunting senses would likewise have helped. But Leia had sensed nothing.
Han had been wearing the same clothes for nearly a week. Torn, dirty, and stained with sweat and blood—blood from Leia and his two fallen soldiers—he appeared even less like the man she loved. And despite having the opportunity to change into his old clothing, it appeared as though the thought had not occurred to him. For herself, Luke and Lando, it was one of the first things they had done.
As he came to a halt at the edge of their impromptu dinner party, Leia was able to clearly see his face. Bloodshot and glassy, his eyes moved quickly across the scene before dropping to the fire. She noticed he held his head downcast, chin tucked towards his chest. Her first instinct was to greet him with a hug. But something told her it would be best to leave him alone.
"I knew you wouldn't miss out on a free meal!" Calrissian joked, reaching for one of the falakik from the platter that Chewbacca had laid on the blanket. "Grab a seat and grab a plate, my friend."
Leia almost wished it was just the four of them celebrating the demise of the Death Star, like it had been from the start: herself, Luke, Chewie and Han. If Lando weren't here, it would mean they had never been to Bespin. Never have run into Vader. Never have suffered through the agony of the carbonite.
"How's your arm?"
Han's softly spoken question caught her off-guard. He was still staring into the fire and for a moment, Leia thought she had imagined he had spoken. When she didn't reply, his gaze drifted from the flames towards her, and the expectant look he gave her required a response.
"It's healing well. No permanent damage or scaring."
"Great." His word was at odds with his tone. His eyes moved up to the Falcon's open ramp. "Better go clean up."
Keeping his head down, Han skirted around them and strode into his ship. She watched him leave, sat there staring up into the Falcon, attempting to find an excuse to follow him.
Leave him be, a softly spoken voice told her. Leia glanced at Luke. The voice had sounded almost like her brother's, but it hadn't been his. She wondered if he had planted the idea in her mind.
Leave him be, the voice insisted. The voice was most definitely not Luke's, but she was still uncertain if the suggestion was his. Then Luke looked at her curiously as he slid a cube of meat off the skewer and into his mouth, and she knew he wasn't the source of the voice.
[Princess.]
Chewbacca was holding the plate of falakik towards her. Leia selected one of the skewers and murmured her thanks, just as Calrissian leaned across and took what had to be his fourth or fifth falakik. The Wookiee snarled playfully at the man's greed.
"Han better hurry up," Lando said around a mouthful of meat, wiping the marinade from his moustache, "or there'll be nothing left."
Leia bit carefully into the tender meat. Calrissian's claim seemed rather hollow; she knew food was the last thing on Han's mind.
"Well then, we'll save him some," Luke suggested.
Chewbacca obviously thought that was a good idea because he started piling the skewered meat onto a separate plate, much to Calrissian's howls of protest. Leia felt compelled to step in before the noise got too much for her.
"It's all right, Chewie," she told him. "I don't think Han's hungry."
"Not hungry?" Lando snorted dismissively. "I've never known him not to be hungry."
The princess turned her attention back to the piquant meat in case she said something she would later regret. The voice in her head was gone, but the idea had stayed. She would give Han time to clean up. Leave him be, at least until she knew what she could do to help him. With or without Luke.