Mind Tricks

by Corellian Blue

(first published 2003, revised 2016, 2020)

Warnings: mental health issues; suicide attempt

XIV

Han's eyes were wide and unblinking as he squeezed the trigger. His hand was steady, his aim true, and it was with great satisfaction that he hit the target.

The rock fragmented into a hundred pieces. Readjusting the aim of the blaster he held from his out-stretched arm, he fired twice more, destroying another two rocks before pulling his weapon up and returning it to his holster. Only then did he allow a slight smile to turn his lips.

This morning he had awoken with the urge to try out his speed draw. He hadn't worn his blaster since his unsuccessful suicide attempt, but he'd felt now was the right time to wear it again and test his aim. The tremor in his hand had not re-appeared since he'd gone back onto the drofic and he'd felt confident he would not be enticed to blow his head off. The medication, and Leia's whisperings in his mind, were working. He was nearly back to normal, back to feeling like his old self. He'd even come to terms with Leia's heritage, and if her use of the Force was anything to go by, was even a little grateful for it.

Leia's whisperings…

He wasn't quite sure that was an apt description of what she was doing to him, but it was effective. The spice may have straightened out his thoughts and calmed his anxiety, however it was Leia's mumbo-jumbo that seemed to be helping the most.

He knew if he hadn't been so desperate for help, he might have resented her poking around in his mind. He assumed the drofic had made him receptive to and tolerant of the Force as that was a feature of spice. He didn't know what it was she was doing but each time she did, it he felt stronger and healthier. He'd felt so good that this morning he'd decided not to take another one of the drofic capsules, despite being due for more medication. His success with the target practice had vindicated his decision.

There were three rocks left on the fallen tree. Han drew his blaster, an explosion of muscle and pure skill, and the remaining rocks blew apart like the others. He straightened his pose, twirled the blaster around his finger and re-holstered it with deliberate flourish. He couldn't contain the grin that lit his face.

A tickle at the back of his neck made him aware that he had an audience. He turned towards the Falcon. Leia was standing at the bottom of the ramp and although she was a good thirty metres away, he could tell from the way she held herself that she was recovering from a bout of apprehension.

He could guess why she might have reacted that way. He rubbed the pink skin under his chin where the burn had been and suddenly felt the need to tell her what had happened, even if she already suspected. It was all part of the healing process. He might even assure himself—her—both of them that it would never happen again.

Leia did not move from her position near the ramp as he strode across the clearing towards her. Her stance relaxed and the touch of a smile became visible. By the time he reached her side, a self-consciousness had settled over him and he felt almost embarrassed that he'd tested his speed draw without telling her.

Leia was the first to speak. "You're in a good mood this morning."

Han tried not to look abashed and he shrugged a shoulder. "Yeah."

Her lips twitched in amusement. "Show me that last move again."

He dipped his eyes, turning slightly so he wouldn't be aiming at her. He went through the drill of the speed draw, withdrawing the blaster even faster than he had earlier. Held the weapon steady for a few moments to prove to himself that he could, then rotated it twice on the axis of the trigger guard and returned it to the holster. As soon as the blaster hit the bottom of the holster, he withdrew it again, spun it three times around his finger and returned it to the rig.

Turning back to face her with a self-satisfied gleam in his eye, he winked, and Leia chuckled with delight.

"Now you're just showing off," she gently reproved.

A smile slid up the right side of his face and he agreed, "I am. Because I can."

Leia wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face to his shoulder and hugging him tightly. He returned the embrace, using her strength and love to find the resolve to tell her.

As if she was reading his mind, she said, "You haven't worn your blaster for the last four days."

Han laid his cheek against hers. "I haven't." A tightness gripped his throat as he told her, "I couldn't."

She pulled back from the embrace, reached up and tenderly stroked the underside of his jaw. "Because of this?"

She knows.

He swallowed deeply, struggling with the constriction and unable to voice what he felt.

She knows…and she still loves me.

He wasn't surprised that she knew. After her skill with the Force over the last few days, nothing about Leia surprised him.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Leia's eyes revealed only wonder. "Sorry?"

Han grimaced. "For being so stupid."

She took his hand and squeezed it. "You're not stupid." She pushed her other hand through his hair, grinned at him cheekily. "Perhaps a bit nerf-headed at times, but not stupid."

For a moment he shared her grin, then his face became starkly serious. "I love you, Leia."

She held his gaze with the same intensity. "I love you too. And remember that I can't live without you."

He took her in his arms again, resting his head against hers, reaffirming his words with his actions. "I'll never leave you again, Princess. I promise."