Chapter 2: Suicide

P O V: Sylvie Brett

May 18th, 2018

Comments start pouring in with each click of the mouse hundreds more appear below her status—most slamming either me or Matt. Over half of them are from people I have never met in real life.

Mary Beck: "Selfish, you deserve better friends than them, jealous bitches, you spread those wings and fly."

Nolan Bier: "Don't waste your time on fake friends; you have a light don't let haters dim it."

Allison Rafferty: Gabby, you do so much for so many people, you are better off without scum like them.

Allan Chout: Fat pig Sylvie how can you be such bitch? I mean, Gabby showed you the ropes! She took you under her wings when Shay was hurt her best friend, and she gave you a chance, I always said you weren't cut out for this job, does anyone ever listen to the Chout man? Nope."

AnnaTate: People show their true colors when being rude. Negative people attract attention; that's all some people crave is attention. We call them whores. Lay off people I bet half of ya' fools don't even know these people, yet social media makes you feel like you're entitled to ride your high horse, because you're not face to face, Grow up!"

Natalie Manning: "I pray you find the peace you need, sweet Gabby. I will miss you here."

Ava Bekker: "Babe, if you need beauty, go to South Africa, see my aunt J'san she owns a bed and bath. She'll take care of you; there's no place more beautiful than my home country. I miss you already. SylvieBrett you are a precious soul ignore these trolls they know not who they . They just see attention. Kisses babe, we need a girl's night."

Erin Lindsay: "Someday we will all have perfect wings till then lay off the blame, no one knows someone else pain. Gabby, I pray you find the serenity you need, no one knows a broken mind the way I do. It's hell, but you dear are heaven."

Cole Drew: Slut I knew Sylvie in high school she was a tease a heart breaker and easy in every way, the pretty ones are always the bitchiest. Get out when you can, Gabby."

Who the hell is this Cole guy? Where does he get off telling lies? I never knew him, I sure as hell never slept with him. I'm coughing so hard now it's hard to see the tears keep flowing. I should stop reading, yet I can't.

Erik McAuley: It's all doom and gloom Gabby. Chicago is one big thunderstorm that never ends; you'll never escape hurricane 51 unless you run far and away. If you can't handle the rain, go to the sunshine."

April Saxton: Heard Sylvie had an abortion murderer, you deserve the hate, you committed the unforgivable sin."

How did she hear about my choice? It wasn't at Med, who told her? Only Gabby and Shay knew. How could they betray me? I am shaking so hard I can't even hold the mouse anymore.

Ava Bekker: "April seriously? I can report you on so many HIPPA visitations from just this one sentence what the eff is wrong with you? Gawd, I am just so sick of all the hate out there! The self-loathing, personal insecurities, and lack of self-respect that these bullies must have for themselves, yet they feel the need to project onto others who are brave enough to live their dreams and life to the fullest is getting soooo boring. SylvieBrett seriously call me babe. April, you need to report to Sharon's office ASAP by that I mean now!" #bullyingkills #stopthehatespreadthelove

Tate Johnson: Is Sylvie that skinny white bitch? Tell her to stick an apple pie in her mouth she looks anorexic. Bitch, you need to quit running your mouth and shove food down it, ain't no one liking a skinny whore. Put some meat on them bones uh you white girls make me ill."

Pinata Dawson: Bitch I'll beat her ass send me her address no one makes my cousin leave her home state, she needs to go back to Farmville. Get the eff out of Chicago Brett!"

Katrina Dawson: Yo' hit me up PanataDawson we gonna whoop that blond bimbo's ass! Ain't no one gonna drive our family outta town. I promise I won't stop smashing her face in till she bleeds out! You wit' me?"

Will Halstead: "I blame you for this, Sylvie! I'm also very drunk."

FarmBoy2018: "I live in Fowlertown where Sylvie is from, man ya need to hear the rumors about this chick, she got around. If she still lived here, I promise you I would kick her ass after I banged her of course, she doesn't deserve to live, not after what she did to my bro' she's a leach she gets her claws into you suck your blood and leaves you left gasping for air. Run Gabby Run!"

FarmBoy2018Bro's: Preach Bro' preach she's a disgrace to the human race. I hope I live to see the day when her suicide is that day's headline. If you won't come out and play Sylvie, please do us all a favor off yourself, a gun we all know you have them, a knife, pills, drink your sorry ass to death, who gives a shit how ya do it just DO IT! You're not funny, brave, smart, beautiful you are worthless! Your life is meaningless!"

Middleofthesong: If you ever find anyone stupid enough to date you send me their address, I'll send them a sympathy card; they'll need it. You don't deserve love, just hate, murderers, aren't humans their pigs. I believe AprilSaxton.

AvaBekker: "Please call me Sylvie let me know you are okay. You are a beautiful woman, don't let this hate effect you. The world will be deprived of your beautiful rays of sunshine."

My phone was blowing up as severely as my FB account is all from people I know in real life. Pinata and Katrina are both sending me hate-filled text messages.

"I know where you live, bitch. Watch your back."

"I'm coming' for your ugly ass."

"Ain't no one gonna drive my family outta town."

"Bitch, I got my gun you better off yourself before I get there.

I promise you there ain't gonna be no fair fight. You ain't no match for my fists or my Tomahawk."

Joe sent me a text he had seen the fight in person, had held me told me he loved me, he would be there. Now I read the words disbelieving what I see with my own eyes.

How could you! Gabby is a beautiful light! How could you drive her away? I am so mad; I never want to see you again. YOU KILLED YOUR BABY! You made Gabby go with you! You knew how much she wanted a baby. Monster! God will never forgive you! Neither will I!"

His text sends my phone flying across the room. Growing numb now, I can barely feel the tears sliding down my face. It's a strange feeling paralyzing my body. I'm beyond breathing, feeling, tasting, seeing. If everyone is telling me how awful I am, maybe it's true, this reminds me of high school all over again. Perhaps it would be easier if I wasn't around Joe and Otis could find a new roommate one who didn't come at such a high cost.

My parents wouldn't have to worry about my safety every day; trembling fingers trace the photograph inside the glass walls. Trapped forever in an illusion of fake smiles and laughter. Tess and Peter, my adoptive parents, they didn't give birth to me. No, that honor belongs to the dirtbags who left me on the door of a firehouse when I was two days old. Rejected even in birth before I even knew what the hell life was.

What chance did I ever have? Seventeen foster homes in the first two years, I don't remember them. I only know because I read my files once by accident when I was thirteen, my guidance counselor had accidentally left them open on his desk. Rejection has become a way of life for me; none of those foster homes wanted me. Why didn't my parents want me, though?

Did I cry too hard? Too loud or too long? Dirty my diapers too fast? Did they know I had CF? Did they not want to watch me die? Spend the money it takes to keep me alive? Were they addicted to drugs? Was it too hard financially?

Were they too young? Or just simply not care enough? Was I a mistake, were they just not strong enough to have an abortion? Were they not allowed to? Was my mother raped? Or did she have a career she refused to give up for an inconvenience such as a baby? Maybe I am more like someone I have never met than I could ever imagine.

Rejection I know it well Keith, Cian, Scott, all teenage boyfriends who rejected me after one kiss. They called me salttoplous they said kissing me was like sticking their mouths in a salt shaker. CF affects epithelial cells in the skin's sweat glands, kids with CF may have a salty "frosting" on our skin or taste "salty" when you kiss us. We may lose abnormally large amounts of body salt when we sweat on hot days. My grandma used to tell me that they were just kids, kids were naive and followed their peers, teenage boys didn't think with their brains or hearts only their throbbing junior members. I miss my memaw. I haven't seen her in years.

Antonio isn't a child though he broke up with me; his excuses were more grownup work, kids. Rejection is rejection, no matter how you do it. The pain is every bit as real. My pill bottle rattles in my hand, this should be easy. I am so used to taking a fist full of pills every day. Life isn't worth the fight anymore, so many questions run through my brain, no answers, counting out thirty pills, I take slow deep breaths, soon there would be one less heart to be broken. Twenty-five pills for every year I have been alive, five for the rest of my twenties. I don't plan to see through.

Typing a Facebook status, I feel strangely at peace now, I've made my decision no one can judge me anymore.

Sylvie Brett May 18th, 2018 5:50 pm feeling hopeful

"I hate when people say thinking of or committing suicide is selfish or cowardly. You believe that we don't know that this will hurt the ones we love. You don't believe that we don't think about it, 24/7? Because we do. It's all I've thought about since I was a teenager. Depression is a disease people, not a choice, I've fought it so damn hard for so damn long, in silence. I've plastered on the fake smiles, lied the same song; I'm fine over, over, and f***ing over again! I've laughed at your salty jokes, hid my tears so you wouldn't be uncomfortable. Sometimes I got so damn good I even believed my own lies. That "I am fine" I'm not fine! I haven't been okay or right in a very long time.

Today the truth comes out; some of the people I am closest to don't even think I deserve to live, so today is their lucky day. Today is my last day on this damn earth, so get your party hats ready, rest those legs cause soon you'll be dancing in celebration. I'm singing my last lullaby thanks for setting me free, see you in heaven if God grants me forgiveness for this last sin. If not, I'll be burning in hell; I'm used to it. So no sacrifice, right?

To the people who I've touched who give a damn about me, well, I am sorry. Once again, I will let you down. I hope that my death won't screw with you too much. I hope you know I am not doing this to hurt you. I am doing this because I love you. I can't be the source of your hurt, discomfort, or inconvenience anymore. I want you to know I appreciate everything you have ever done for me, I feel you, you have touched me. This pain is just too damn heavy anymore. I can't breathe; it feels like being underwater; I can't hold my breath anymore. Even when I am not holding my breath, I can't find air.

I hope my life will, in some way, leave a positive impact on you. Cause in this life, it's hard to tell what's false and what is real. What's the point in life when you can't find happiness? When all you do is cry? What's the damn point in holding on when so many people are telling me to go? I'll never find love who would want to be with someone as messed up as diseased as me? When the truth is, my life expectancy is so short anyway. Why risk love when you know you'll only lose? I want to be woke as the kids would say, but the truth is I wake up every day with a fake ass smile feeling like complete shit.

I haven't laughed in real-time in years. I've made a disaster out of my life. All I really know for sure is this. I don't belong here anymore.

I don't want to be here anymore; I'm tumbling. No matter how strong we all, one day we will all return to the ground. Another day has gone. A day closer to fate, don't try to stop me, you'll be too late. My mind is set; I need to spread my wings, to be free. Silence hurts, I am done with hurting. I'm sorry truly for anyone and everyone who genuinely loves me. Love, Sylvie."

The pills stick in my throat figures; I can't even die correctly. After a round of vomiting, heaving, coughing, I manage to calm down enough to reach into my desk drawer I'm looking for my gun, but I find my spare cell phone, I always keep two just in case of an emergency when you have CF and a dangerous job like mine you can never be too prepared, I hate feeling like this so weak, so powerless so damaged. I need help I know it, I'm just not strong enough to do this on my own. I hesitate for a brief second before calling Matt again. I find myself bargaining with God. "If Matt answers God, it's a sign you want me to live, if he doesn't. Then I know you want me home." It's stupid, I know, yet it keeps me hoping for a split second till his voicemail pops back up. I leave another message; my voice strained in tears.

"Matt, I am so sorry Gabby left, it's my fault. I pushed her too hard; I didn't think she would snap. I didn't know how much she was hurting; I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry that I caused you this much pain. I just wanted to let you know that I've made a decision. I wanted to leave this message to let you know I'm probably not going to make it much longer. This is me saying goodbye. I love all of you at 51, you have given me so much. I don't deserve any of you. Please tell my parents that I loved them and that I am sorry I am such a screw-up. I love you."

Puling out my .34 Caliber Glock, The shiny black metal gleams like a reward to me. I hope this is quick and painless, unlike my life. Turning up my stereo since I know the kids are home next door, I crank up the volume. I have some morals left, after all. Don't want them scarred for life by the sound of this gunshot. I'm lost, but soon I will be found in the arms of Jesus, he will forgive me, I have to believe this. Closing my eyes, I raise the gun to my head, trying to listen to the song, if I listen to the lyrics, it won't hurt as much. At least that's what I tell myself. The cold metal against my temple makes me shiver. The words are perfect.

"If I weren't here tomorrow would anybody care If my time were up, I'd want to know You were happy I was there

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me

I know I'm a mess and I want to be someone Someone that I'd like better I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever

What if I just pulled myself together Would it matter at all What if I just tried not to remember Would it matter at all All the chances that have passed me by Would it matter if I gave it one more try Would it matter at all."

Deep breath Sylvie, it won't hurt much longer.

Lyrics are to Skillet's song Would It Matter.