CHAPTER 4: Zack

The world is on the brink of annihilation, football tryouts are soon, and I have a geometry packet due tomorrow. So what am I doing to prepare for all of that?

If you guessed playing Battlefield 4 with Jason on Xbox Live at 11:00 at night, then you've guessed right.

Yes, I know I have other things I need to do. But I've always valued free time over everything else. So that's my first rule to being a ranger:

ZACK'S RULE #1: Prioritize enjoyment of life over school. School is important, but your happiness and sanity always comes first.

Now, I know what you're asking: why am I playing Battlefield 4 as opposed to Battlefield 1 or Battlefield V? Because Battlefield 4 is leaps and bounds above the newer games, that's why. The maps and gunplay just feel so much more dynamic than the newer games, or any other shooter for that matter.

And also, yes, I have an Xbox One as opposed to a PS4. Make fun of me all you want, especially since Spider-Man is a PS4 exclusive. But I plan on getting the PS5 when it comes out, so people can finally stop bullying me for having an Xbox.

I get sniped by someone on a rooftop, and scream into the mic.

"You rage at video games way too easily, dude," I hear Jason say. And he's right. But I had a 11-player kill streak, and I'm mad I lost it.

I proceed to get a few more kills, deep in focus.

"Can I ask you something?" Jason says over the call. I loose focus, and get killed by a frag grenade.

"Depends on what you want to ask."

"Do you ever think Zordon is keeping stuff from us?"

I stop and think about this before respawning. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, ever since we've gotten the job, he's been suspiciously vague about everything. We barely even know anything about Rita other than the fact that she's an evil space witch."

"Are you saying they had a love affair or something?"

"For all we know, they might have! It just seems weird that one moment we were minding our own business and then we were suddenly teleported into the Command Center and told we were chosen to save the world without any explanation."

"Have you ever asked him for an explanation?"

"All he ever tells me is that we were destined for this. And I don't want to ask any more than that, mostly because he kind of creeps me out."

I can see where Jason is coming from, but at the same time I don't think logic applies to anything anymore.

A strange thought then crosses my head. "Weird question, but do you think Rita is one of those ugly witches, or one of those sexy witches?"

Jason doesn't speak for a few seconds. "...I am concerned as to why you're asking that."

"I don't know. I just thought of it, and its weird to think about."

"Even if she was a 'sexy witch,' what would that matter? She's an alien psychopath."

"Just wondering."

My wrist communicator rings. I answer it. "What up, HAL 9000?"

Alpha is not amused at my reference. "Never call me that. You're needed at the local iHop diner. Rita has sent one of her monsters. Get on it."

Why does this always happen when I'm in the middle of having fun?

"Jason, we need to-"

"I heard it."

I turn the Xbox off, and stand up. I pull out my morpher, a strange looking metal device

Alpha said we're supposed to think hard about something and focus on it to gain our powers, and apparently yelling out a catchphrase helps. I really don't get it, but there's also a lot of things in this world I don't get.

With all my might, I thrust it out in front of me and focus. "IT'S MORPHING TIME!" I shout. (Weird phrase, I know. But it works.)

I feel a surge of energy pulse through my body, and I see the black suit on me. My only complaint is that it's a bit tight.

So apparently the others are sleeping and aren't answering their communicator, so its only Jason and I, outside of an iHop, taking on an army of like 20 rock monsters and a monster that looks to be an armored gold monkey that somehow looks both laughably ridiculous and nightmarishly terrifying at the same time.

We're now staring straight at the gold monster, waiting for him to make his move. "Jason, should we wait for the others?" I say.

"No. These guys are always pretty stupid, so we should be able to take him."

A gravely, roaring voice comes from the gold monkey. "You know I can hear you, right?"

Okay, so this one actually talks. This is awkward.

"Wait, you can talk?" I say. Jason looks at me like I shouldn't have said that.

"Of course I talk, idiot! I'm Goldar, footman to the Empress of Evil's throne! And you're about to meet your demise!"

So this one also monologues. Good to know.

"Not so tough without your friends, are you?" Goldar roars. His monologues are also cliché.

Jason speaks calmly. "We can beat you with five, and we can beat you with two. Right, Zack?"

That has to be one of the cheesiest one-liners I have ever heard anyone say. I am honestly cringing right now.

"Zack?" The monster growls. I then realize that the enemy isn't supposed to know who we are.

"Really, dude?" I whisper to Jason.

"To be fair, you're far from the only Zack in the world."

The monster growls at us again. "So is this who Zordon chooses to do his dirty work for him? You're even more pathetic than the last group. And you'll die like them, too!"

I see Jason is thrown off by this. "Wait, what?" Jason says.

"Oh, did he not tell about what happened?"

"What happened?!"

"Tell me Red Ranger, what do you know?"

I see Jason tremble a little bit, and Goldar laughs.

While all of this drama is going on, I can't help but notice that we've been standing a few yards away from Goldar and the rock goons for what seems like a solid five minutes, and no one has actually done anything.

While I just came up with this new rule for the Ranger Guidebook, I think its a pretty good one:

ZACK'S RULE #2: Villains are stupid, so use that stupidity to your advantage.

"What are you talking about?!" Jason is really on edge.

Goldar chuckles. "You have no idea who Zordon even is. He's got a dark secret, and you're going to regret the day you-"

Goldar is interrupted by a blast to the face from me. (I was getting bored of standing, and quite frankly didn't find his monologues that interesting.)

"ATTACK!" Goldar screams.

To put it simply, all hell breaks loose at the iHop, and Jason and I are smashing rock monsters left and right.

"Just like beating up bullies in eighth grade," I shout Jason.

"We never did that."

"I know, I just like to say that to sound cool."

We eventually beat them all to death, and look around for any sign of Goldar. But he's nowhere to be found.

I see Jason standing firmly, thinking about something.

"...you good, Jason?"

His voice trembles a bit. "Yeah, it's just…. never mind."

That was our first mission since school started again. And then I realize that I have a quiz tomorrow that I didn't study for. I have a mini breakdown inside.

Also, RIP iHop. They might not have served the best food ever, but at least their pancakes were better than Denny's.