"I fucked up."

Kryoz let out a sigh as he rubbed a hand over his face. "I really, really, really fucked up." The call stayed silent as they all watched Delirious' character running across the open field, towards where people were. The others had all been downed and killed, making Delirious the last survivor of the squad.

"It's not your fault," Tyler said, but got cut off by John. "It is." Moving his hands through his hair, noticing how long it was getting and thinking that he maybe he should have a hair cut. What if he cut it off at the top and let it get its natural colour back? But then again, Smitty had seemed to like his long hair, it made him play with it. He groaned.

"I still think it's not your fault," Tyler said, not really helping the other with his frustrated feelings. "How is it not my fault? You were there, you saw it happen!" John exclaimed. He clenched his teeth as he tried to stay calm. There was no need to get angry with someone else, especially if it was his fault he was so frustrated in the first place. "I pushed him away from me and now he doesn't want to talk to me."

Tyler hummed. "All I saw was him rushing out of the place after he'd been talking to you-," he said. "Exactly." Tyler huffed. "-But, I have the feeling there was more going on, because he was acting a bit off even before the party." John stayed silent, he had a pretty good idea why Smitty had been acting strange. He had been acting strange as well. "And he wasn't the only one," Tyler said accusing.

Delirious shot down another player, getting cheered on by Marcel. "Who we're talking about?" he asked, slightly distracted by the game. "Smitty," Tyler said, before John could answer. "What about Smitty?" he asked, crying out in offence as his character got shut down from behind. The screen now reading that their squad got in 4th place. "Isn't he dealing with some personal, I mean personal, stuff?" Delirious asked, now concentrating on the on-going conversation.

He had noticed Kryoz seemed more frustrated than normal and a lot more talkative, but he hadn't really thought about it. But now that the topic was about Smitty, their loving Canadian goofball, Delirious thought it strange that he didn't join their session in Fortnite. His curiosity peaked at another frustrated groan from John.

A new round had started, but none of the players were really paying attention, too caught up in trying to find out what had happened at said party. "…Ok, what did I miss?" Delirious asked. Tyler waited for John to speak, but the other only huffed. "All I know is that we went to a party, had a good time and all of a sudden Smitty bolts from the room and out of the building," Marcel muttered. Delirious agreed that it seemed like a strange think to do.

"Could it be that he got some bad news, like his dog died or something?" Delirious suggested. Tyler snorted. "Would you suddenly run off when you heard your dog died?" As Delirious looked down at his trusty Pitbull-terrier, who looked up at him and started wagging his tail happily at the attention, he was about to answer that he most definitely would.

"Never mind," Tyler said," You probably would." Delirious bit back at the statement," Wouldn't you?" Marcel hummed. "It could explain why he doesn't want to play with us." Delirious was surprised. "He isn't playing with you guys? I know, we- I don't play that much with him, but you guys…"

It stayed silent in the call as their characters got killed one by one, nobody really caring about that. "Kryoz?" Delirious asked softly. The man made a noise close to a hum, not really wanting to answer. "Why do you think it's your fault?" the other asked. Curse Delirious and his curiosity and his wish to help others. "Cause it is," he muttered. He felt no need to elaborate. Delirious shrugged, tho nobody could see. "That would explain why he doesn't play with you, which surprised me, he- he one time said to me that he was happier, uhm, happiest while playing…with you."

John couldn't help but looked shocked at his computer screen that showed Tyler and Marcel's facecam, but a dark square for Delirious. Delirious seemed to be serious, although he was stumbling over his words. Who knew words could hurt that much? Any other situation this information would've made him very happy to hear, but now it hurts.

"Wait, Delirious, didn't you and Evan have a similar situation?" Marcel asked suddenly. "Yeah, yeah…" Delirious aid," We played, like, all the time together. Whether it was just us two or with others." He sighed and somehow John felt like the man knew exactly what he was going through right now. "But, there was a solo game I wanted to play for the longest of times, but I never had the change to, since I played with others the entire time. It stressed me out. I was so frustrated that I didn't get to play the game, but at the same time I didn't want to stop playing with Vanoss. So I told him about it."

The others could hear the pain of the memory and wishful thinking in Delirious' voice as he continued talking. "Vanoss actually told me to concentrate on the solo recording, to forget about him and the others and just focus on myself. He told me to not worry about it and message him once I was ready to play games together again. So I took my time, finished the solo gameplay. But then, Cartoonz had been asking to play Battle Block theatre for the longest of times and I felt bad for not playing with him. And so we started playing that game and we got addicted pretty fast, it was so much fun to do. I kinda forgot about playing with you guys and Vanoss…"

Marcel softly told him that it was okay, that it was history now. They could tell Delirious still felt pretty guilty about it. "Anyway, by the time I remembered my promise to Vanoss, I was too late. He was mad at me. I didn't mean to stop talking to him or you guys; I just got so caught up in other things. Well, Vanoss had seen my gameplays, solo and with Cartoonz. And although he said it was okay, I still could tell he was upset with me. I felt so bad. When I asked him if he wanted to play a game together, he flat out told me no. He decided then to ignore me and most of my messages."

A dry chuckle escaped his lips. "It actually took you guys to lure him into a G-mod death run without telling him I was there, for me to be able to apologize. I did, to him, to you guys. But he still didn't want to talk. He left the game and so did I. It was after all my fault he felt that way. I hadn't even realised how much I missed playing with him, how much I missed him. So I wrote a very long and very sappy message to him, about how much I missed him and how happy playing with him made me, and it was up to him what to do with it. He could either ignore me and I'd accept the fact I'd never talk to him again, or he'd respond and we'd talk it out."

John didn't miss how sad Delirious sounded and he felt kind of bad to let the man relive all of it. But on the other hand, it did make him think about how similar it was to his current problem. It brought a different perspective to the case.

"He was a pain in the ass," Tyler spoke up," 'Delirious would've liked to see this', 'I wish Delirious were here'. Delirious this, Delirious that. He couldn't stop talking about you even tho he choose to push you away." Marcel laughed. "Yeah, no. It was really bad," he said," Worst part was that he didn't realise he was being such a dick, only because he was jealous."

Tyler sighed. "We had to actually straight up tell him to make him realise and accept the fact that he missed Delirious just as much." John chuckled softly, he could imagine the Canadian doing just that. But thinking about Vanoss, made him think about his favourite Canadian. His best friend that hadn't returned home yet, after a month, his best friend that didn't talk to him anymore or play with him.

No messages, no calls, only short replies and as little interaction as possible. His best friend wanted nothing to do with him and John felt his world crumble. How hadn't he realised sooner how much Smitty meant to him? How did he not notice that his motivation to do anything was because of the Canadian supporting him to no end? It shouldn't have had such an impact in his life. It wasn't like Smitty was his, he was allowed to be wherever he wanted to be, whether that was with or without John.

And still, John didn't want him to be anywhere else but at his side. Not being able to touch the other, to cuddle with him or see him smile had actually done quite a number on John's mood. He no longer wanted to try and crawl out of bed before midday, or be productive. He hadn't been outside for weeks, even ordering his groceries to be delivered to his house. How did he manage to function like a normal human being before Smitty came into his life? He should be used to being alone and not wanting to talk to anyone, but after having a very talkative person constantly at his place, talking his ears off, he obviously was not used to it.

Someone scraped their throat and only then did John realise it was completely silent and his character was running into a wall, for who knows who long. The other's stayed silent as he steered his character away from the wall and back into the zone, which was petty far away from him. "So, Delirious… how did you two makeup?" Tyler asked, hinting about a possible way to fix things for John. Delirious was silent for a moment, Tyler knew how they made up, but then he caught on and started to talk.

"Everyday I sent a message telling him that I was sorry, about what a shitty friend was and everything… but at first he didn't reply," he said," eventually I was beginning to lose hope and I wanted to give up. Just accept my fate. I send one last message, telling him that I accepted the fact he didn't want to talk to me ever again and that I wished him good luck and I hoped he'd get happy. And that I was sorry that it meant no longer having me in his life."

John could feel the pain, he recognised it. "Then he replied, telling me how awful he felt for making me feel that way and asked me if we could talk," Delirious continued," We talked, all night long. He told me his side of the story and I told mine. Lots of feelings got outed. Then we kept apologizing to each other until we couldn't keep our eyes open. We were exhausted because of everything that had happened and the relief we felt when we decided that we couldn't go without each other. I ended up falling asleep at the computer."

Delirious giggled. "Of course he texted me to tell me he knew I did the next morning. And everything felt like it was right back to the old times, or something. It felt good to have it all out in the open, no miscommunications, no misinterpretations. Just us and how we felt."

John sighed. Would he ever have the change to tell Smitty about he felt? Nah, that chance was probably long gone. "That was pretty brave of you," Marcel said," It's not easy to own up to your mistakes, let alone talk about your feelings." Delirious huffed, he could've shrugged, yet they wouldn't know. John's head was starting to hurt, so he quitted out of the game.

"Kryoz," Delirious said quickly, before John could close discord. "Yes?" John muttered. "Just… don't give up. Sometimes things are not what they seem," Delirious aid softly. He hoped it gave some form of comfort to the platinum blonde. John nodded, then left the call. His head was pounding and he needed to sleep.

So off he went, changing into something more comfortable and crawled back into bed, desperately trying not to think about a warm body pressed against his, stealing his warmth, cold bare feet against his warm skin. He tried so hard not to think about sleepy murmurs and soft chuckles, fingers curled into his hair, or hands in his.

As sleep finally dragged him under, he was still plagued by dreams of deep brown eyes and sinful smiles so bright. Making his heart ache and in the morning he'd have to wipe the tears from his eyes again. Just like every night since April 27th. Just like every lonely night since Smitty ran away from him.

And he took John's heart with him.