"Sweetie?" a female voice sounded through the closed door, followed by a knock. The boy grunted and hid in his blankets on the bed. He did not want to talk to his mother, for he knew what she wanted to talk about.
Luck wasn't in his favour, he could not escape as the door opened and his mom stepped into the room. "Sweetie," she said softly as she made her way over to the bed, where Smitty sat covered in blankets with his laptop on his lap. He quickly closed his laptop, hoping she hadn't seen whose YouTube page he had been staring at for the last couple of hours.
"How is John?" she asked. So she had possibly seen it, or would she have asked it anyway. He simply shrugged. "…Jaren." He looked up at her, seeing the worried look in her eyes. "What's going on?" she asked," You come home, in tears, and you won't leave your room."
He looked away, feeling slightly ashamed for not really giving her and his dad an explanation. "Don't get me wrong, I like to have you home again, but you seemed so happy where you lived in America," she said, as she laid her hand on top of his," and you seem so unhappy now. What happened that made you so upset?"
Smitty took her hand in his, idly playing with her wedding ring. It reminded him of how it felt to hold a hand filled with rings, how weird it felt, and how much he missed it at the same time. "Why do you think I'm upset?" he asked softly. She gave him a deadpan look. "You come home crying for your momma."
He snorted. I guess I did, he thought. "And I have a feeling it has to do with John." He chocked on his own spit. Curse her for being so observant. Coughing loudly, he asked where she got that idea. "Every time you'd talk to me, you'd say something about him. Whether it was something you two did or what eh said that made you laugh. You haven't mentioned him once since you came home," she said.
It was quiet for a bit, Smitty never realised how much he talked about the other. He guessed he couldn't help it. "Did he hurt you?" she asked softly. "No!" he reacted immediately," No, he would never." A small smile appeared on his mother's face. "Did someone else hurt you? Did people upset you by saying certain things?" she asked.
Smitty shook his head, unsure of what she meant by that. A memory of him and John at the park resurfaced. They sat together on a park bench, getting chewed out by a homophobic woman in front of her kids. He groaned and covered his face with his hands. At the time, he had been very confused why the woman was preaching about sinning to them, but looking back now, he understood. She had thought they were a couple, gay none the less. Her poor Christian heart couldn't comprehend the idea probably.
It made him wonder for how long they had acted so… couple like. He groaned again. He felt a warm pair of arms surround him, pulling him into a hug. "Tell me," his mother said softly, yet sternly. "I-I don't actually know," he said, leaning into her embrace," One moment, everything was good and the next my head just starts to think and I got… I got scared, mom." She kissed his forehead. "I was so happy… so content. And then I just knew that I was going to fuck everything up… I felt like I could end up getting hurt again…"
It took him a second to realise that he had tears rolling over his cheeks. He had been happy. Really happy. And then came his old friend, fear, making him run away. "It's okay, sweetie, you don't have to be afraid," his mother said after he calmed down a bit. "I know that, but at the same time…" he sighed," I-I just want it to be like how it used to be." He sighed again.
Oh how wishful and naïve he was. How could it go back to how it was, when he knew how he felt now, after realising what had been going on between them? How could he face the other, after running away from him? Ignoring him, possibly upsetting him and hurting him. How would he have felt if John was to suddenly draw away from him, to not want anything to do with him?
The tears were back, feelings of despair overwhelming the poor man. His mother held him, softly rocking him in her arms. Smitty finally let out all the tears that he had been holding since that one faithful day. Ever since discovering his true feelings for his best friend. It felt good to let it all out, even tho it made him feel slightly exhausted.
His mother kissed the top of his head. She felt sorry for her son, seeing him so upset made her sad and worried for him. She wished she could take some of the pain away, but she had no control over the matters of the heart. He'd have to figure these things out on his own.
It reminded her of something that happened many years ago, making her son so upset that at one point; he hardly ate and never left his room. She hoped it wouldn't get to that point again, but she feared it might. Especially since he had admitted to being scared to be hurt again. If only he saw the way he looked when he talked about the other. If only he could see what she, his dad and probably his friends could see. She still held hope. At least this time he had other friends to support him.
As Smitty wiped his face, she hugged him tightly one more time before letting him go. "Thanks mom," he muttered. "Anytime," she said," Now why don't you play some games, maybe you could invite some friends to play with you. They'll be able to distract you." He gave her a smile and a nod. Maybe he might just do that.
Looking at videos where he and Kryoz are playing together wasn't doing much good to his already depressed state of mind. Yeah, playing some mindless shooter sounded good. His mother gave him a pat on the head, before she left his room to go back downstairs. Smitty sighed, climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom. Playing games was something better done without a full bladder.
He tried not to think too much about John as he booted up is PC and gaming consoles. Memories of John knocking at his door, taking him places, buying them milkshakes flooded his brain. The more he tried not to think about John, the more memories came to mind. John's smile, his hands in his, the intense gaze in John's beautiful eyes. Their late night Skype calls, replaced by late night conversations while staring at the ceiling above them.
Smitty thought about how well he knew the other and that somehow, the man was still mysterious. Never one to share a lot of his feelings, and yet many of his weird thoughts, John could surprise him very time. For as long as he knew John, he'd never heard of a girlfriend, or boyfriend, in his life. He hardly ever talked about such things.
John knew of his short relationship with an amazing girl. Chloe had been absolutely wonderful, full of sweetness and kindness. Sadly, she had to move away and they both knew a long distance relationship wouldn't last. They said their goodbyes, both with tears in their eyes, promising to keep in touch.
At some point in time he had gotten a few texts from her, where she told him about a new love she found. She made him promise to do the same, but he hadn't been ready yet. He had spilled his heartbreak to John, who had supported him and distracted him with playing games. It seemed like such a long time ago.
He blinked, he had been staring at his desktop for who knows how long. Suddenly, a notification from Discord popped up. Tobyonthetele invited you to the call ' we need to talk'. Well, that didn't sound ominous at all. He pressed accept and put on his headphones.
"What's up?" he said, adjusting his microphone. "Smitty," Toby said as a greeting. "Yo," another voice said, sounding like it came from same mic. "Who else is in the call?" Smitty asked suspicion in his voice. "Just me and Fitz," Toby said," He's here with me." It was silent.
"Smitty, what's going on with you?" Toby asked," You seemed to practically disappear. You ignore us and our invites to game." Smitty stayed silent. "You don't seem to want to talk to us, and- and you're being very moody whenever we do. Do you not want to hang out anymore?" Toby asked, hurt clearly present in her voice.
"…I'm sorry," Smitty said softly," I never meant to upset you." He sighed. He really hadn't noticed how he behaved towards his other friends. Truth be told, he was afraid that John would be playing with the Misfits. He could vaguely hear whispering on the other side. "We're just worried about you, buddy," Fitz's voice sounded louder and more clearly, suggesting he took the microphone.
"I'm fine," he muttered. "Really?" Toby asked from the background," How come Kryoz said something different?" Smitty looked up in surprise, hearing Fitz say something to Toby about 'threading lightly'. "What? What did John say?"
It seemed Toby had taken the microphone from Fitz again as she sounded more clearly this time. "We invited him and you for around of CS:GO, but you didn't react and he said something about 'he probably knows I'm here' and left, before we could ask what he meant." Smitty hurt, hearing those words.
He really had upset John. "Later on, when we messaged him that you didn't show up, eh said it was because you were dealing with some shit." There was rustling in the background. "We we're actually thinking that having Kryoz in the group, would convince you to play with us," Fitz said," But now we know that had the opposite effect. Do you not like John anymore?" Smitty scoffed," Of course I still like John, a lot actually." Toby and Fitz shared a look. "So what happened between you two?" Fitz asked.
Smitty sighed. He had trouble thinking about the whole situation. Just as he was about to answer that nothing was wrong, Fitz spoke up again. "And no bullshitting us, Smitt." He sighed again. "I… it's just, difficult to explain," he muttered. "Take your time," Toby said, her voice calm and supportive.
Smitty took a deep breath and started to talk. He told them about how he and John hang out all the time; sometimes he trailed of when talking about how John did certain things. Eventually, he told them about the convention back in April. "Wait," Toby said, sounding almost excited," You kissed?"
Smitty flushed a bright red. He was fortunate enough that no one could see. "No! I didn't even realise what was happening, it just felt…" he trailed off. "Right?" Fitz asked. Smitty was slightly shocked. It had felt right, in that moment, staring into each other's eyes, heart pounding. He realised now that he would've kissed him, would they not have been interrupted.
He could vaguely hear Toby muttering angrily, the words 'stupid' en 'Miniladd' falling from her lips. "What happened next?" Fitz asked, ever so calmly. Smitty couldn't see him pulling Toby close, muttering softly into her ear, asking her to stay calm. He also couldn't see the sigh she let out, before nodding and both sharing a smile.
"Well…" Smitty said and started to explain how he had talked to ChilledChaos and the sudden realisation that made him leave. "…What's the problem exactly?" Fitz asked sounding confused. "The problem is that I…" Smitty gasped," I love John… I am in love with him…"
Smitty's lips began to tremble as he let his own words settle in. He loved John. His breath came in small gasps. He loved John. His vision became blurry as tears gathered in his eyes. He began to feel dizzy as that one single thought circled his mind.
He was in love with John.
"-itty?! Smitty!" Fitz called out," Breath! Hey, buddy. Deep breaths." Smitty took a big gulp of air. "It's okay, you're okay. Breath. In…out," Fitz said. Smitty took some more unsteady breaths, the pain in his chest getting less and less.
"Hey…" Toby said after a bit of Smitty taking deep breaths," Are you okay?" Smitty shook his head, then realised they couldn't see it. "No," he said. It stayed silent for a bit. "So… you love him," Toby said softly," Why does that make you so upset?" Fitz was as confused as she was. Wasn't love supposed to be a good thing?
"I-I don't…" Smitty started, then groaned. He knew why it made him so upset, why it made him feel so scared. "I'm just scared." He wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm just terrified," he muttered.
"Love can be a scary thing," Fitz said, looking at Toby as he spoke," When you don't know if the feeling is reciprocated or not. Or when you just found out your feeling were changing towards a certain person." Toby gave him a small smile and hugged him softly.
"It's not that," Smitty muttered," I'm afraid history will repeat itself, even tho it's been such a long time ago…" The other two stayed silent, letting Smitty gather his thoughts. "You better sit down, cause it's a long story," he muttered. "Oh, that'll be no problem, my seat is comfy and warm," Toby said, making Fitz chuckle. Smitty slightly wondered what exactly she meant by that, but decided not to think about it further.
"It's been, what, 7? 8? Years ago?" he sighed," anyway, I just transferred to a different school, yay, and had a totally new class and didn't know any one. I was assigned to sit next to a boy, big for his age with quite some muscles, while I was a bit chubby. So I sat besides him, to shy to speak to him, feeling awkward as shit. But he wasn't, he talked to me, tried to coax me out of my shell. He succeeded. Tom was his name. He was actually the first one to call me Smitty."
He chuckled dryly. "We became close friends real fast. We hang out all the time, late night staying up playing videogames, sleepovers, and all that kind of stuff. The very first best friend I had in my life. I felt so happy. I felt happiest when I was with him, all warm and fuzzy feelings. I loved making him laugh and see his smile."
I didn't think too much about it at the time. I just let the feelings run free. I told my mom how I felt and she told me to tell him. I guess she knew more than I did. She said to me that when people made me happy, I should always tell them. People liked to hear they made others happy."
"So, there I went with a smile on my face, on my way to his house. We actually met up in the middle, since he was on his way to me. So there I stood, cheeks burning telling him how I felt. How much I loved hanging out with him and how happy he made me."
A sad expression appeared on his face, as he recalled the moment his heart broke. "I thought he'd be happy to hear those things, but instead he gave me a strange look. Then, after a very awkward silence he asked me if I was confessing to him. I was so shocked, I hadn't actually thought about it. I realised then and there that those feelings were me having a big crush on him and I accidentally confessed my feelings to him. He took my silence as confirmation and told me how sorry he was. He didn't feel the same. How stupid and naïve I was…"
He sighed. "You got rejected, that's rough buddy," Fitz said. "It's not just the rejection that scarred me," Smitty groaned, rubbing his face with his hands," It was the fact that I was too oblivious to see what my feelings meant. He also told me we could still be friends, which made me feel really relieved. He said nothing would change between us. Bullshit. He left me standing there on the sidewalk as he walked away from me."
"So the next day at school, I fully expected we were still god, sitting at our usual spot in class. He walked in, looked at me, and then sat down besides someone lese. My heart was broken. From then on, in class he sat beside others and never once with me. At lunch break I sat alone at a table, because my usual companion sat somewhere else, far from me. Somewhere where I wasn't welcome. I still tried to talk to him, in the hallways, but he ignored me and avoided me."
"I lost my best friend, all because I confessed feelings I didn't even know I had. I was alone again. And to make matters worse, the bullying began. He had told his new friends about my confession and they started to call me all kinds of name between 'gay piece of shit' to straight up 'faggot'. They pushed me around in the hall and kept telling people I liked dicks up my ass."
It was eerie silent for a moment, before Toby could be heard swearing loudly and cursing every mindless homophobic bastard who dared to do such things. Fitz tried his best to calm her down, but to no avail. He himself had trouble thinking about such a painful thing. He felt his pride and admiration swell up as he watched her rant about idiot people that should be removed from the earth. He hugged her tightly to his chest, making her shut up.
"Yeah, life was absolutely amazing," Smitty said," Even more so after I had to change school again, because my parents decided the school didn't properly handle the bullying behaviour. I was still lonely, but that changed when I started playing online games and met a whole bunch op people. Starting YouTube could've been the best decision of my life."
"I'm happy we met," Smitty sighed," Never knew I needed such crazy bastards located on the other side of the earth in my life." Smitty laughed softly. "And you met John," Toby said," That made you happy as well." Smitty's smile disappeared. "True… very happy…"
He'd known John for about 5 years now. In the beginning he was unsure of the seemingly depressed man. But they got along pretty well and quickly got attached to each other. Their friends, for having the same type of stupid jokes, even called them the same person.
If he thought about it, it was mostly John that managed to drag him out of his depressed state. Even when he was in a bad mood, playing with John always made him happy. He noticed the other trying his best to make him laugh, telling him extra stupid jokes. It was the same way around. He tried his best to make John laugh, whenever he was feeling extra down. They kept an eye out for each other, often talking with just the two of them.
Over the years they had gotten close, often making jokes and references that only the other understood. Their friends had often said they were two peas in a pot, partners in crime. Smitty smiled as he thought about it. Then his sile disappeared once again as he thought about how his feelings had changed towards his best friend.
He didn't want to hurt John. He didn't even know how the other felt about him, but he couldn't risk it. He couldn't put what they had at risk, he couldn't afford to lose the other. He wouldn't survive John's rejection, leaving him and never talking to him again. He wished he never had fallen in love with him. Oh how his heart ached. And as long as his heart kept speeding up when he thought about John, he couldn't risk talking to him. He had to get his feelings in check first, maybe then he could handle being near the other again.
"Smitty? You still with us?" Fitz asked, concern in his voice. He and Toby shared a look. "Yeah," he answered," Sorry. Just…thoughts." Fitz chuckled. "Don't let them be bad tho. I'd have a headache if I were thinking as much as you probably do." Toby cut in. "Fortunately, Smitty has a higher IQ than you do."
Smitty could hear a undignified screech and he guessed Fitz had pushed her off the chair. He was close, Fitz had pushed her off of his lap, but she caught herself, looping her arms around Fitz's neck. Luckily, Fitz could prevent them from crashing to the ground.
"You like John, right?" Toby asked after sitting back down properly on Fitz's lap. "Yeah," Smitty said, unsure. "And John most probably likes you as wel-"
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you for certain."
Smitty shook his head. He wasn't particularly going to ask John how he felt. He heard Toby sigh.
"You'll never now if you don't tell him," Toby said sternly," Don't let the fear of history repeating itself hold you down. He might as well feel the same about you and then you can be happy." Smitty was no longer listening, constant words of uncertainty repeated in his head.
He didn't feel the same, he would fuck it up again, they couldn't be happy together, it was for the best to leave now that he still could, he had to protect himself, don't let him get too close.
"Even if he did, he won't anymore, I hurt him," Smitty said defeated. "I disagree," Toby said. It was silent, neither knowing what to say. "So…" Fitz spoke up," What about we stop thinking for now and play some CS:GO?" Toby huffed, not wanting to change the subject, but Smitty agreed. "I just want to shut my brain off," he said. "CS:GO it is!" Fitz said excited.
As Smitty started up the game, he could hear Fitz move from Toby's room to his own. Not long after, he forgot all about his turmoil as he tried to land the weirdest trick shots and wall-bangs. Although the anxiety never really left him and his night terrors woke him up at 4 am every night, talking to Toby and Fitz had helped a lot.
And when a couple of weeks later an invitation to Wildcat's annual 4th of July party came, they encouraged him to go. Because, Toby had said, you need to face John sooner or later. For once, Smitty agreed with her and decided to pack his stuff and record some extra stuff for videos, just in case.
His anxiety level rose everyday until he caught a plane to go visit Wildcat. With bags under his eyes, due to almost no sleep and tensed shoulders from too much stress, he tried to mentally prepare himself. He just hoped he was brave enough. Although he began to doubt it more and more the closer he got.
Only when he was almost at his destination did he realise how much he had missed John and how much he missed his friends. God… he had been such a terrible friend to them. And as he thought about how much pain he caused John by his shitty behaviour, he fought back the tears threatening to spill.
He was the one to push the other away and with that, he had probably caused John to hate him, or at least dislike him very much. John wanted nothing to do with him anymore, he was sure. He had turned his biggest fear into reality and he hadn't even realised it.
Would John even accept his apology? How could John forgive him when he was sure that he could never forgive himself for what he did? He didn't deserve forgiveness. Not from the one that he held so dear, the one he hurt deliberately. His best friend. When had he lost control of the situation? Where did he let it all go wrong?
And with all those heavy thoughts, he rang the doorbell of Wildcat's house. Not even slightly ready for what was to come and all who'd be waiting for him.