Summary:

In this chapter I try to get rid of some pebbles in my shoe about the following annoying occurrences: Fitz almost suffocating Ward in Vault D; Skye shooting him; Simmons first intruding in his farewell to Skye and then trying cowardly to pulverize him; Coulson saying in that odious way, almost hissing, that Ward was "of use" before delivering him to Christian; the scene around the holotable (a masterpiece of elephantine roughness, I daresay!); Coulson trying to kill him several times and then succeeding in that; Thomas' words, that were so painful to me, reminding me so much of the book "Misunderstood"…
But I try, also, to depict the relationship between Ward and God, and how His words, sometimes mild, sometimes severe, start healing him.

Comments are greatly appreciated: please, let me know what you think!

Chapter:

Ward didn't dare to change position or to raise his head and peep around.

But, like a rising tide, he felt progressively permeated with such a wonderful sensation of belonging, of care, of love that he remained at a loss of words, only enjoying that wonder and wishing it could last forever.

He had the sensation of being like a drop of honey that melted into the ocean: he felt God, the One and the Only, the Perfect, the Whole, the Eternal, the Infinite, the Omnipotent, the Omniscient, the Beginning and End of all things, the uncaused Cause of everything, the Source of every Good as an infinite ocean of Love and Light.

And he felt it also the other way round, in a sort of interpenetration: the One, Who the Heavens of Heavens cannot contain, could be encompassed in his soul! His soul was capable of Him! That was incredible!

Grant felt God loved him immensely, and he couldn't prevent himself from reciprocating.

Love summons love.

"Grant!"

"Here I am!"

"You decided at last."

"I… decided?"

"You finally decided to come back to Me!" God's voice was so joyful!

"It has been my angel to bring me here…"

"… because you asked for mercy and forgiveness!

I couldn't give you those, if you didn't want them, even if I had them in store for you.

And I would never refuse them, either, having you asked them with pure intentions."

"…Yes…

… I asked…

But it was in a moment of panic! (even if I thought I couldn't panic, ever…)

I was falling in Hell!

…

Does it count all the same?" he asked timidly.

"Have you heard the other souls' words when they were falling?"

"Yes… Blasphemies and curses."

"So?

Does it count?

Yes, it counts.

Your heart counts, because you were sincere. You intended what you said.

And out of the abundance of heart the mouth speaks."

Then, after a little while, God continued:

"I love you, Grant.

I always loved you. Immensely.

And I desired this encounter for a long time.

Only a few men have had to go through the tribulations you have endured.

But now you are here, finally!"

Ward felt as if God was relieved.

But then all his pain resurfaced with a pang and he asked, mournful:

"Why?

Why did you allow all of that?!

If you knew, if you loved me, why didn't you protect me?!"

Grant was almost crying.

"I protected you, you have no idea how much!

I protected you heart.

I protected your hope.

I protected your faith.

I protected your life.

I protected your capability to love.

You wouldn't be here, if I didn't protect you!

But I needed to prepare, to temper you, too."

"Temper?"

"Yes. For what's to come."

Grant frowned at that.

"But let's proceed with order.

Do you know why you are here?"

"Because you forgave me."

"Yes, that's true.

And do you know why I forgave you?"

"Because I deeply regretted what I've done and asked humbly for mercy."

"Yes, that's right, too. But it's only a part of the reason.

I forgave you because you forgave others.

Moreover, a lot is forgiven to the ones who intensely love.

You are capable of great feelings, and you loved intensely some key figures of your life: John, Skye, Kara, your grandmother Ada, Cate, Thomas… even if your little brother never really understood you: he was too young and he was never remotely as love deprived as you.

You have always been a thirsty soul… thirsty of love."

"Yes. I loved them. Some of them more than myself…

But I don't understand: who did I forgive?"

"You forgave Simmons and didn't retaliate against her, when she tried to kill you in cold blood, forgetting that, if you didn't jump out that plane to save her, she wouldn't be there to try to pulverize you. And don't lie to yourself: you didn't jump to follow Deep Cover Tactics 101! You jumped because you cared about her, a lot: this is the truth!

I can see straight through your hearts, men, and nothing, nothing can be hidden from Me.

And you forgave her, also, for intruding in your farewell to Skye, when you were walking down that corridor, before being handed over in your brother's custody. That could be the last chance to greet her, but Simmons prevented that. But you forgave her all the same, because you knew her intention was to protect Skye: Simmons was her confidant, almost a sister to her, and she knew how much Skye had suffered because of you.

You forgave Fitz, too, when he tried to asphyxiate you, down in Vault D, and, more, for not wanting to believe that you tried actually to save them, dropping that pod in the ocean. Fitz, too, was convinced that the pod would float! He should have remembered, also, that you were willing to sacrifice your own life for him, in Ossetia. And that, too, wasn't a cover…

… I know that you wanted to save them, even if nobody believed you…

And you actually saved them, with My help.

When you were watching the pod falling, I heard your silent prayer:

- God, please, save them: you know I have no other choice!

I don't care if they will hate me for this forever: let only them be safe!

I don't ask you to make them forgive me: but please, please! Save them! -

So I gave Fitz the stroke of genius that allowed them escape and I guided Fury to the rescue."

"You heard me?" asked Grant, in awe.

"Of course!

There are certain prayers coming out from the deepest of your hearts, men, that make the Heavens shake!

Another example is Skye shooting at you, even if she hadn't the heart to kill you.

You forgave her almost immediately, because you truly love her.

Coulson handed you over to your abuser, tried several times to kill you and at the end he succeeded in that.

But you felt you deserved it, and you forgave him almost immediately, pitying him, too.

You forgave Garrett… and this is truly a miracle."

Ward couldn't deny all of that and remained silent.

He was feeling the self-hatred he always had towards himself progressively melting…

At those words, he was starting to forgive himself.

And this, too, was truly a miracle.

"Besides, I expect much from the ones that received a lot, while I expect much less from the ones that received a little: it would be unfair of Me to judge in the same way all men, ignoring where they came from.

You received mainly bad things, bad examples and bad guidance in your life: it isn't surprising you applied on others the same criteria that were used on you.

You rarely had been treated like a person, with intrinsic value for the sole reason to exist and to be a man. And mind that every one of you is for Me more precious than the entire Universe! You are not aware of the treasure buried deep inside every one of you! You are My sons: you should be proud of this, and live respecting this lofty dignity of yours!

Nevertheless, everyone used you like a tool, like a thing, like a soldier, like a weapon, like a bargain chip, like a scapegoat, like a hell monster rescuer. But the worst of all, because he should have to be the best, given his history, the intelligence, sensitivity, charisma and all the other gifts I gave him in abundance, was Coulson.

You needed experienced psychologists who could help you rebuild your future on the pile of rubble that your life had become. Instead, the only thing he managed to do, after months of torture and three suicide attempts, was to sit in front of you, with his subtle arrogance, his spite and his contempt, waiting for the sick to cure himself."

At that, God said, almost to himself:

"But for Skye he was able to find a good psychologist, instead…"

Then continued:

"He used you as a commodity exchange.

Then he searched for you when he needed you. And you accepted to help him and the team, trying to make amends, receiving only insults and death threats.

Do you remember the scene around the holotable, when you wanted to "address the elephant on the plane"? When May said you were a psychopath? (I didn't know she got a degree in psychology or psychiatry, between a punch and a kick!) And when Skye said she was glad to have shot you? And the others encouraged her, saying that she should have shot you in the head, instead? You had only given her what she had desired her entire life: her father. I daresay she had a curious way to show her gratitude!

There are several ways to kill a man, and words can be sharper than blades.

Words can kill.

In that moment, lost all your hopes, you decided definitely to kidnap Bobbi.

But let Me focus on the real point of no return, for you: it was when you killed your parents.

I said: "Honour your father and your mother" and "Don't kill" and you disobeyed two direct orders, orders I gave for a reason; killing per se, and in particular killing the people that gave you flesh and blood is a mortal sin and every mortal sin rots the soul to the core.

A rotten soul is unable to see and looses the light of My guide.

From that moment on, your mind became utterly confused and you began to see the good as evil and evil as good.

The perfect example is your relationship with Kara: you loved her, yes, but in a twisted way.

She had been brainwashed, then she lost her master: you saw yourself in her and tried to help her like nobody did with you, in overcoming the loss, in finding her true self, in fighting the brainwashing, in defeating the internal pain that she could not bring out and that did not let her find peace.

But it occurred to you what My Son told you in the parable of the blinds: if a blind leads another blind, both end up in the ditch.

You wanted to cure Kara like you thought you cured yourself killing your parents and Christian, by exteriorizing her interior pain in seeing Bobbi's torture, in receiving her apologies and finally in destroying her.

Bobbi was a symbol of the pain Kara had endured, and destroying Bobbi meant, in your mind, destroying Kara' pain.

This is exactly what you did with your parents: seeing the fear of death in their eyes helped you extirpate the same fear from you, the fear theypumped in you. In your mind you were just returning the favour… This is the only way you found to overcome the tangle of pain, bitterness, heartache, and anguish that was suffocating you.

At the end, you found you couldn't destroy Bobbi by killing her, because she didn't care to die, so you excogitated the ploy to make her see her husband die in front of her, to crush her heart of stone.

But I couldn't let you succeed in that: I had to put an end to that craziness.

So your plan backfired: instead of Bobbi, it was you who had to see your love die in your arms, that day.

I know what happened, then. You let the Beast take complete control of your life, because you lost all hopes.

Hate was the only thing that could keep you upright, but you forgot that, when you hate and especially when you nourish that sentiment for a lot of time, you play Satan's game.

Once again, you wanted to make the culprit to suffer what you suffered: in your mind, Coulson and May were the culprits, and their beloved ones were Doctor Garner and Rosalind Price. But you had to be strong to make them pay, so you walked on Garrett's walk and used Hydra for your personal, petty, selfish goals; then your encountered Gideon Malick and, dulcis in fundo, you decided to go to the forbidden planet to bring back a hell monster!

You realize, now, this one wasn't a brilliant idea, do you?

You realize that you have to face the consequences of such a decision?"

"Yeah, I do.

And I regret that and everything else.

Satan gave me the Beast as a gift, and I followed it: it made me strong, and I understood it ruined me only when it was too late.

And then I hoped in that other Maveth demon to solve my problems, as if it was a god."

"I am the only God!

Men cannot avoid having faith in something or someone, because I created them this way.

But the Only One worthy of their faith is Me.

When you start adoring something else as a god, like yourselves, or another person, or money, or power, or sex, or ideologies, or organizations, or whatever other idol, you lose the way.

This is why I recommended you to remain vigilant!"

God voice was heartfelt.

He paused for some instants, then continued:

"Do you realize that the creature on that alien planet is sent directly by Satan?

You saw Him, there, in the bottom of Hell, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did see him… I've never been so terrified. Ever."

"Well, that planet's creature will be the worst danger that Earth had ever faced."

"But Fitz killed it, and he and Coulson had already gone back through the portal!"

"We will deal with that later.

Things are going to become worse, awful, on Earth, you know that?

That's what you men want: to be the gods of your own lives, and to get rid of My disturbing presence.

You are tempting Me to leave you alone.

But whenever I leave, the Other comes.

And He becomes your god."