Summary:
What is real love? I think this is a good example…
Comments are greatly appreciated: please, let me know what you think!
Chapter:
"No!
No!
Why did you do that?"
That desperate question hanged over in the air for several instants…
A slap followed, and then a hail of punches.
Ward bore it all without a word.
He let her hit him all the times she wanted, without defending himself, offering his body in sacrifice to her wrath.
The only two witnesses of that massacre game were the gun, ended under the bed, and the bullet, lodged up in the ceiling.
After this outburst, she remained drained of all energies and all she could do was to take refuge on his chest, the same she had just mercilessly punched, crying her eyes out, her wrist sore where Ward had forced her to hand over the gun.
She remained there until Ward's shirt was completely soaked.
All he could do was to hold her, stroking her back, caressing her hair, whispering sweet nothings in her ears, while the blood poured out of his nose and from the cut on his lip, and one of his eyes was swelling.
"Why did you do that?
Why the hell did you prevent me from ceasing my own suffering?" she asked crying.
"Simply because your action would not have made you stop suffering" he answered tenderly.
"How the hell do you know that?"
"Because I've been there, on the other side, and I know exactly what expects us there.
And you are not in a condition suitable of a good death, now."
"I don't believe you.
Nothingness would have phagocytized me and the pain would have ceased, by now!
And you are only a deluded son of a bitch!"
"I'm not…"
"You cannot understand what I am going through, now, to even attempt to kill myself!" she hurled.
"I hate to state the obvious, but I have to remind you that I myself have tried to commit suicide three times, not more than two years ago" he answered severely.
And he added, dropping his voice:
"And you told me I should have tried harder…"
At those words Skye felt like shit.
"No, Skye.
I know exactly what you're going through.
I'm probably the only one that can understand you so thoroughly.
You are horribly suffering, and, to you, death seems the only way out: this is exactly what I was thinking when I was detained in the US Military Maximum Security Prison.
But death is not a way out.
With death nothing ends, at all.
With death, life is transformed and reaches levels of reality, immediacy and fullness unimaginable as long as we are enveloped in our physical body."
"Why should I believe you?"
"Because I died and I know what I am talking about!
After Coulson crushed me like a revolting bug, what I experienced was true death, and not only a near death experience.
But my soul was entangled by so a congeries of mortal sins, that I was thrown in Hell.
Do you understand me?
I was thrown in Hell!
And the pain there was so immense that it is not distantly comparable to anything on this Earth.
There aren't words to describe it!
The difference between whatever earthly pain and the Hell pain is the same as between a fire drawn on a painting and the real fire.
I wouldn't want that for anybody, even for my worst enemy!
And least of all I would like you to end down there! "
Skye's stare was full of hate nevertheless, but now she didn't dare looking at him.
"What I wanted was only to continue feeling that bond, that connection I felt with Hive!
I wanted to feel again and again that ecstasy!
And I also managed to grab that, but you ripped that from me, again!
And you must know that I hate you for this!"
"Skye!
Look at me!
Stop fooling yourself!
That wasn't ecstasy!
That was a straight way to poison your body, to delude your mind and to loose your soul!
And, moreover, can't you understand that, to destroy a country, it is easier and cheaper to do it by drug addiction, which is more effective than a military war? I had to do something about that! Or do you want to play into the hands of the dregs of humanity?
Couldn't you feel how degrading it was?"
She suddenly fixed her serious stare on him:
"You say so because you don't know anything about those wonders!
You know nothing!
It wasn't an illusion, but the true reality!"
He, withstanding her gaze without a flinch, answered:
"I know much more than you think…"
But she interrupted him, with a sensuous look, making her voice mellifluous:
"Just stop and think what our relationship could have been!
We could have had a mystical romance, hours of overwhelming, continuous, vibrating, sensuous, wild sexual ecstasy and orgasms of cosmic proportions!
We could have turned sexual ecstasy into spiritual mystical expansion!"
At those words Ward scoffed:
"First: never degrade spirituality to sensuality!
Second: I can assure you that, with me, you will never need any drug to experience orgasms of cosmic proportions!
And third: what's the point of having hours of sexual ecstasy if there isn't a strong sentiment of love underneath?
And you just said you hate me!
The pleasure ends, at last.
The sensuality ends, at last.
The orgasms end, at last.
And, if there isn't love beneath all of that, everything turns into ashes in your mouth!
Sex exists, as well as for having kids, also for exchanging pleasure with the person you love, to cement the bond with that person. Otherwise, it is only a pointless enervation and tiring out of bodies!
Without love it is all vain.
What would have you liked to cement with me?
Hate?
No, thanks!
I prefer to live without it."
"From where come these words of you?
You should be a cold, rational, tactical soldier, and not a philosopher!
You proclaim to know a lot about those wonders… but what can you know about them?
You are a Specialist!
You're Kevlar!
And your rational mind is against ecstasy!"
"Indeed!
I am a Specialist!
And one field we are trained in is experimenting and resisting the effects of drugs, truth serums, psychedelic chemicals and other amenities of this kind! I know the effects of all the drugs I mentioned you yesterday, and not because I read them on a book, but from direct experimentation!"
"And how couldn't you understand that ecstasy should be the natural state of a human being? That nobody should settle for less? That awareness of unutterable bliss is the only right state of being?
Living in ecstasy is a birthright!"
"I completely agree with you!
When I died, after Hell, I was brought up to the presence of God.
I felt Him.
I cannot describe the ecstasy I felt: there are not mortal words that can express that!
I was dead and yet I was never more joyously alive! This is why I'm telling you that, after death, we are more alive than we can ever be while living.
I was carried away by Him, to an Ecstasy beyond ecstasy and suddenly I was no longer 'I', but a part of the Divine. My gratitude for that moment, when the veil parted and I knew that I was so much more than I ever thought, was so immense that I discovered myself sobbing with joy. My heart was filled with waves of ineffable, overwhelming happiness, beauty and peace I had never known before.
My life suddenly seemed to me infinitely precious!
In that thunderbolt of ecstasy my body dissolved into the flow of matter and energy of which the universe is made: I was swept by Him into the core of existence from which all things arise and into which all things converge. There was no distinction between subject and object, space and time, or anything else…
For a few seconds of such bliss I would have gladly given up ten years of my life, if not the whole life!
I was thinking: 'this is it', 'this is the moment of truth', and 'I know that everything leads to this', 'I am finally home'.
I was full of the Grace of God, accompanied by a clearing and brightening of my perceptions, that made me sure that the happiness of each and all of us that don't refuse it is, in the long run, absolutely certain.
Joy and beauty do not dominate my awareness in general, and never with a comparable intensity, so I treasure these experiences on the grounds of their rarity alone.
They were so profoundly educational! That experience of God healed me in the profound: His cosmic tenderness, infinite love, penetrating peace, and eternal blessing provoked in me unspeakable awe, overflowing joy, primeval humility, inexpressible gratitude and boundless devotion.
Yet all of these words are hopelessly inadequate and can do little more than meekly point toward the genuine, inexpressible feelings I actually experienced.
So, yes, I completely agree with you: ecstasy should be the natural state of a human being.
After all, we are sons of God!
What do you think we are destined, if not eternal ecstasy?
But we lost this right, for our own choice, and this is why Jesus died for us, to win this blessing back and opening for us the doors of Paradise!
Now I can tell you, having experienced both types of ecstasy, that the one induced by drugs is unnatural, forced, ill and wrong, while the other is a gift of God and therefore healthy, therapeutic, joyful and right.
It's always the same old story.
Satan, murderer and liar from the beginning, knows what we want, knows what we are destined to and offers us a bad surrogate, together with his hatred and his desire to destroy us to scorn God.
With the drugs, the story of the Paradise of Eden repeats itself: over there Satan knew that our fate was to be deified and offered us to become gods prematurely, with his wrong means and in scorn of God (by, the way, despite whatever some misinformed can believe, self-deification is the summary and the goal of all forms of satanism). God wanted to give us everything, but we accepted the gift of Satan instead of His one, choosing to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And indeed we gained this knowledge of good and evil, especially of evil!
The same thing happens with drugs: we are destined to ecstasy, to that deep union, to those divine feelings, but rather to obtain it from the union with God, we procure ourselves these things in the wrong way, by choosing the widest and more easy street of vices, instead of the hard, narrow and steep street of the practice of virtues, sacrifice and prayer.
In every age the saints have experienced ecstasy, but thanks to the purest union with God, not by injecting poisons in their bodies!"
Skye listened to his whole confession with open mouth, then, at the end, commented:
"So this is why you changed so much…
I understand, now."
"And I was much more sinful than you!
But, despite everything, I was redeemed! God gave me a second chance!
So, think how much more hope there is for you!
Skye, please, do not give up! I beg you!
Don't make me witness to your death!
I already saw the death of too many women I loved!" and his thought flied to his grandmother, his sister and Kara…
They remained lying on the floor for some more minutes, sharing the most intimate and personal shames and secrets, as if the situation was somehow compelling them to be honest. Friendship was starting to be re-forged in the hot irons of that emotional exposition, as in one of the most horrendous hangovers.
She was starting confessing him how much she despised herself, for all the murders she committed, but then her body finally gave in and she was seized by tremors and sweating and a high fever.
She had to run to the bathroom to vomit. He ran after her and helped her, supporting her forehead and holding her hair back.
Even if there wasn't anything to throw up anymore in her stomach, she continued vomiting violently, so much so he was compelled to sustain her also on her chest. He could feel her heart thumping wildly and her weak and light body frighteningly trembling: in that moment he had the impression to hold in his arms not a woman but a little bird fallen from its nest.
He tried to hearten, to encourage her with these words:
"Skye, I want to say I'm very proud of you.
Just keep fighting.
Trust me: quitting is hard but not quitting is harder."
She managed to answer:
"Oh, I'm trying so hard, but it is like telling my body not to breath!
I'm sorry to be such a burden for you.
I invaded your life, your home, your privacy with my awful mess…"
"I'm glad you invaded my life! Feel free to do that anytime you desire it!
You must know that we are doing this together.
I will not leave you alone.
Never."
Skye smiled:
"You know? With you it is all easier… I can break outside of myself and focus on you, so it is harder for this disease to completely control my behavior.
I realize that, lately, I have been focusing too much on myself: this for sure has been bad for me, because I fixated on my own issues, my problems, my concerns… trying to numb all of them with drugs."
"I see… but escaping from problems doesn't solve them. You have to face them! Numbing is useless and even detrimental."
The bouts of vomiting did not give signs of quitting and he began to worry seriously: he was afraid that her heart could give way at any moment.
"I feel like a little boat tossed by the waves in a stormy sea: I have not even a moment of peace, of rest…
I'm so tired!" she managed to say.
"When it happens, the only solution is to try to plunge into the deep, where the waves and the wind can not penetrate, where everything is calm and quiet and you can look up and see the storm upon you, without being involved in it."
"But how can I do that?"
"Relying completely on God.
Allowing God to take over and guide you.
Stopping fussing.
Ceasing worrying.
Believing that a power greater than you can restore you to sanity.
Deciding to turn your will and your life over to the care of God.
Because you have a problem that you cannot solve by yourself, you can choose to allow that power greater than yourself to intercede.
I know that the idea of us not being in control over our lives is problematic. We are born with free will to make our own decision, to direct our lives. But, on the other hand, addiction has taken away your ability to make decisions and you are no more in control.
Jesus' words are an invitation: 'Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.' If you think in terms of allowing that higher power to help you because you have asked for help, that is not weakness as much as it is empowerment.
It's all about establishing a relationship.
I let you in, we get to know each other and we walk together."
In that moment Ward thought he saw something unexpected in her eyes: she had hope.
"Maybe God is trying to show me something?" she asked with a whisper, looking in his eyes.
"Yes… I think God is trying to show you something…
'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.'"
And, at those words, another layer of ice melted, in Skye's heart…
But her body couldn't resist anymore.
Grant was looking at her:
"Skye?
...
Skye!
...
Skye!"
She did not answer anymore.
"Thomas!"
And Ward's brother burst into the bathroom, kneeling near Skye, trying to feel her pulse on her carotid.
"Grant!
We are loosing her!"
"No. We are not!"
Ward scooped her up and brought her on the bed.
She was like a rag doll in his arms.
"What are you doing?
We have to take her to the Emergency Room as soon as possible!" Thomas yelled.
"It's too late.
And, moreover, the ER is overwhelmed by emergencies, these days, thanks to me…
They would not have the time or the manpower to take care also of her.
No… there's another way to save her."
With that, he straddled her, taking firmly her face in his hands and joining their foreheads. Then he closed his eyes and hot waves began to get out of him.
Thomas couldn't do anything more than assist to what was happening: he noticed after a while that Skye's breath regularized, returning normal, while her skin was losing its deathly pallor. She had stopped sweating and her face was becoming serene, losing the wrinkles caused by the tremendous agony she had suffered so far.
Now she seemed simply to be peacefully asleep, like reborn to life.
Ward, on the contrary, was breathing hard, his face contorted in pain: when he could bear it no more, he rolled on the other half of the bed, leaving her completely healed and enjoying finally a much needed serene rest…
"Grant!
Grant!
What happened?
Please tell me!
Answer to me!" Thomas yelled.
Ward answered with a grunt:
"How's Skye?"
Thomas inspected her and answered:
"She seems fine: it's incredible!"
"Check her belly: see if there are still the abscesses" Ward panted.
Thomas lifted her red dress and saw that her belly was perfectly healed.
"No, she's ok!"
"I suspected it…" grunted Ward, lifting his own shirt. Thomas could see a plethora of abscesses just on his brother's stomach.
"What the hell did you manage to do?" Thomas asked, awestruck.
"I healed her body" Ward answered, as it was the most natural thing in the world.
"Yes, but you have transferred all her ills on you!
Are you completely crazy?"
"I think you were right, when you said she made me crazy!
I'm afraid I've really lost my mind for her!"
"You see? I was right when I said you are insane!"
"Yeah… insane, but immensely happy, now!"
"If you say so…
Do you realize you are going to suffer atrociously for a whole month by the withdrawal of krokodil?"
"Better myself than her.
I am more used to pain.
And I heal much faster than normal people, too.
I'm confident I will be fine in much less than a month."
Ward was speaking with great difficulty, but he struggled to keep his mind clear:
"Thomas, obviously for a little while I'll be out of the game, therefore I consign Skye to you.
I beg you: guard her with care!
I've already explained where you have to take her and what you will need to say when you get there.
I've healed her body, but now Somebody much more powerful than me must heal her soul."
"Ok.
But what if she wakes up and wants more drugs?"
"It won't happen.
From now on, Skye will never more be able to approach drugs, even less desire them.
I made her impenetrable, impervious to them."
"Good.
One problem less.
But I'm still concerned about you: are you sure you will be fine?
They say that, other than the pain, the withdrawal symptoms of krokodil are also horrible nightmares…"
"Thomas!
I looked Satan in the eyes!
I suffered the Hell punishments!
What do you think can exists worse than that?
There's nothing that can happen to me worse than what I have already experienced!
So, go on.
Take care of her for me!"
At those words, Thomas resigned himself, sighed, scooped up Skye, transported her on the car and went away.
Ward remained alone.