Warning: slight spoilers for seasons 1 & 2 of Konosuba ahead.
"KAZUUUMAAAA!"
"Yes I'm Kazuma," the brown-haired boy responded nonchalantly while hacking at the giant toad corpse with his sword and bagged the meat they had set out to collect. It was currently noon, a beautiful clear day in the meadow, a few hours away from the beginning's town where he and his party usually took jobs and quests. Early this morning he had spotted a new request on the bulletin board at the adventure's guild : a rare golden giant toad had been spotted, one whose meat and slime were highly sought after for potent spells and potions. It promised a hefty reward to anyone who brought it in (dead or alive), so Kazuma took the job before the opportunity slipped past his fingers. With that done, he called upon the rest of his party to embark on the mission.
Megumin, a member of the crimson demon clan proficient in explosion magic (and only explosion magic), currently laid face-first on the ground - unable to move.
Darkness, a masochistic knight with more endurance and defense than anyone else he knew, currently pouting at the fact she didn't really get to see any action (at least not the type of action she had been hoping for).
And—
"KAZUUUMAAAA!" he felt something grab onto his leg, letting out an even more pathetic wail.
— a useless goddess currently covered in toad slime and bawling her eyes out.
This was Aqua.
"Oy, oy, get off me! You're going to get my clothes dirty!"
"Forget your clothes, what about me?! I'm covered in disgusting toad slime and it reeks even worse than usual!"
"That's because gold toad slime secretes a rare poison that it uses to ward off potential predators."
"WHAT?! I'M COVERED IN POISON?!" her eyes went wide in fear.
"Will you relax? It's poison by name only, it's not potent enough to kill anything bigger than a rat. You're just going to smell like rotting meat for a while."
"Well, what am I suppose to do?!"
"Nothing until we get back to the mansion. Then you can try to get the smell off with a bath or something. In the meantime, why don't you make yourself useful for once and collect some of that slime dripping off of you; it will fetch a pretty penny back at the town."
"How can you expect me to work when I'm like this?! I'm gross, I'm covered in slime, and I'm distraught because I was swallowed by a giant toad again! AND IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!" She shrieked, tightening her grip on his clothes.
"Let go of me!" Kazuma shook her off hard, causing her to fall back, "I did what I had to do! Gold toads are much faster and resilient then regular toads, meaning that the only way we were going to take this one down was if Megumin hit it at point-blank range with an explosion without it dodging at the last minute; and the only way we could ensure that was if it was staying still while eating something. In this case, you."
"Then why didn't you have Darkness act as bait!? Why didn't you bind her and leave her out in the field for the white toad to show up?! You know she would have liked it!"
"Yes, Kazuma! Please do not hesitate to use me as live bait for these quests! I shall gladly lay down my body—nay, my life—as a distraction! Feel free to tie me, to constrain me until I can barely breathe, and let whatever beast may come to have its way with my defenseless body!" Darkness panted, her face beginning to grow hot from her imagining all the possible outcomes that could result from that scenario.
"I thought about it, but then I realized you'd just get off from it, and would most likely scare off even the hungriest toad; so I decided to not risk it and just go with dumb-dumb here."
"What?!"
"Look on the bright side: at least this way you were actually able to contribute and not be completely useless for once," he smirked at her.
"You...YOU—!" she jumped to her feet (slipping slightly on the dripping slime, but managed to stop herself from falling once more).Gritting her teeth,her eyes shot daggers at Kazuma, "how dare you talk to me like that you lowly shut-in neet?! I'm a goddess, A GODDESS!"
Oh great, here she goes again, Darkness thought to herself, which means that now Kazuma...
"I don't care if you are a goddess, you are still completely useless for anything that isn't drinking and getting us into debt! Be grateful that I actually brought you along and didn't just let you sleep in the mansion!" Kazuma yelled back.
Darkness let out a loud sigh before walking over to the immobile mage and picking her up, "Come on Megumin, let's head back to town. Knowing these two, they're going to be at it for a while."
"How dare you talk to me like that?! I'm the high goddess of water, you should be worshipping me; hell, you should be worshipping the ground I walk on! Do you know how many people would kill to bask in my presence like you do on a daily basis?"
"Oh, you mean like those followers of Axis that we met at Alcanretia?" he asked smugly, "You know, the ones who practically chased us out of town? Because I'm pretty sure they think you're an even bigger liability than most people already do."
"T-That's not fair! I risked my life for that town! I saved them from the Demon King's general!" she said indignantly, her eyes beginning to water again.
"You also completely purified their medicinal springs, ruining their main source of revenue and probably dooming the town to go bankrupt; because even when you seem to not be completely useless, you still manage to find a way to make everything worse in the end."
"You...you...SHUT UP!"
"Just give it up Aqua. You were useless back in the heavenly realm as a goddess, you are useless here as an adventurer, and you will be useless in the future wherever you end up and whatever you are at the moment. YOU. ARE. USE. LESS!" He emphasized each syllable with a hard poke to her forehead.
"S-Stop it!" she sobbed. The poking hurt, but the way Kazuma was berating her was really taking a toll on her ego, "I was a great goddess before you showed and ruined everything! You're the reason nobody reveres me like they should! I should be back home receiving the praises and worship from my followers, not stuck here constantly being covered in toad slime and being insulted by you! All you ever do is make my life miserable and I hate you!"
"The feeling is mutual!" Kazuma snapped back, "I don't know what higher power assigned me to you when I died, but I will never forgive it for all the pain and suffering that decision has cost me! You should be dubbed the goddess of bad luck and misery, because that's all you ever cause! Why couldn't I be stuck with a goddess who is actually good at her job, like Eris?"
She gasped, "Y-you take that back!"
He looked her straight in the eye, unflinching, "Eris is ten times the goddess you were and will ever be!"
Aqua felt something snap inside her.
"KAZUUUMAAAAAA!" she yelled before pooling her magic in her hand, ready to wail on him with her strongest goddess blow.
"Uuuuuuuugh..." Aqua sniffed.
"Uuum, does it still hurt?" Wiz asked nervously while removing her hand from the welt on the blue-haired girl's forehead.
"It stings," Aqua hiccupped.
"Ah, well, I can't do much else. I already put a manor ice spell on it, so it should start to recede soon enough," the lich said apologetically, walking behind the counter and pulling out a copper tea set.
"Stupid Kazuma, he didn't have to hit me so hard," the goddess mumbled, wiping her nose with the back of her sleeve.
"Fighting with Kazuma again? Maybe it's time you two made peace with each other and tried to get along."
"But all he does is insult and abuse me!" she yelled indignantly, wincing slightly at the pain on her forehead from the sudden movement. "Why do I have to be the one to make any sort of peace with him? I'm a goddess and he is a lowly shut-in neet that would still be dead if it weren't for me; he should be groveling at my feet while singing me praises!"
"I know Kazuma can be a bit...harsh at times; but maybe it's just his way to cope. Try to look at it from his perspective. He died—"
"Yeah from shock."
"— was sent away from his home and his family—"
"Which he disappointed on a regular basis."
"—his friends—"
"He didn't have any."
"What I'm trying to say is that this must all be very difficult for him, even if he won't say it out loud."
"Well, what about me?! You think this isn't difficult for me, too?! My life in the other realm was pretty much perfect! I had a throne that was custom made for me, and I could sit on it for hours without ever needing to get up! If I wanted something —regardless of what it was—I just had to think it and it would instantly appear in front of me. Even better, I could drink the finest wines from all the realms and NEVER get a hangover, no matter how much I drank."
"I'll admit, all of that does sound really nice."
"But you know what I miss the most? Being revered and loved by all of my followers! Every day I could hear their prayers and praises, from early in the morning to late at night. They would write songs about my beauty, carry out entire holidays dedicated to worshipping me. They would set out into the world doing all sorts of deeds in order to spread my name and glory everywhere! My followers were the most devoted of them all, the envy of all the other gods and goddesses!"
I don't think it was envy what the followers of Church of Axis inspired…
"And now I lost a lot of my followers, I'm surrounded by people who don't believe me when I tell them I'm a goddess, and I am constantly insulted by a shut-inneet who does nothing but call me useless! I HATE MY LIFE!" she wailed before burying her head in her arms.
"There, there Aqua, I'm sure things will get better," Wiz walked over and tried to console her.
"This is all that stupid Kazuma's fault," Aqua growled, raising her head and clenching her fists. "All he had to do was ask for some stupid weapon or power-up so I could send him away and never have to see him again; but noooo, he had to ask for ME and drag me into this stupid world to suffer! And then he has the gall to blame me because of his stupid decision?! I didn't force him to bring me along, I didn't even suggest it!"
"Um, Aqua...?" seeing the goddess' anger beginning to rise, the lich took a precautionary step back.
"I'll make him pay...I don't know how yet, but I'll find a way to make him pay. The stupid neet thinks he can treat a goddess like me like dirt? Well, he's got another thing coming. All the suffering, all the humiliation that he has caused me, I'll make him suffer ten, no, a hundred times more!"
"Why don't I pour you some tea to help you calm down?" the brown-haired woman suggested while quickly putting some hot water and powder into the tea set, "I know you are just upset because of what happened this morning and don't really mean all that."
"I'm not upset, I'm angry! And I have every right to be angry after what Kazuma took away from me. I don't expect you to understand Wiz; you're just a lich, the only things that worship you are lowly undead and maybe worms that live in their dead bodies."
"That's not very nice..." she muttered before setting down a cup in front of the goddess. Aqua simply rolled her eyes before raising the cup and taking a sip, immediately followed by her spitting the cup's content out onto Wiz.
"H-Hey!" the lich cried while shielding herself.
"What the hell was that?! It tastes like old dishwater and cabbages!" Aqua demanded as she grabbed a cloth napkin, dabbing it against her tongue.
"I-I'm sorry!" Wiz bowed her head apologetically, "b-but, unfortunately, that is all I can offer right now. I haven't been able to go and buy tea today...this week...this month..."
"Don't tell me you're having money problems again," the goddess asked, even though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer. Despite owning her own shop and always working hard, Wiz somehow had an even worse track with money than she did.
"Y-yes."
"What did you buy this time?"
"Well, you see I—"
"WHERE IS THAT SHOPKEEPER?!"
"Eeek!" the lich jumped behind Aqua, "save me!"
"Huh?"
Before she could ask what was going on, the door leading to the back of the store was flung open. On the other side stood a familiar figure: a tall, lanky man in a two-piece suit, with dark purple hair combed back and wearing a mask that covered half his face. There were two small slits where his eyes would have been, and both of them were glaring daggers in their general direction.
"YOU!"
"Eeep!" Wiz cowered behind the still confused goddess.
"HIDING BEHIND HER WILL NOT STOP ME!" Vanir roared, making his way towards them.
"Excuse me, but I don't think I like your tone," Aqua got up, still standing in front of Wiz.
"You stay out of this; moi is angry enough to actually destroy you without a second thought," Vanir threatened.
"You think you're angry?! You have no idea just how angry I am today, you worthless demon! So try me!" Aqua spat as she pooled some purification magic onto her hand.
"With pleasure," the demon responded as his eye slits turned red.
"Both of you stop!" Wiz got out from behind Aqua and moved in between them, "No fighting inside my shop!"
"You have no right to call this your shop!" Vanir snapped at her. "All you do is put our balance sheet in the red each month; if it weren't for moi constantly working tirelessly to cover every bad purchase you make, you would have been driven out of business and foreclosed months ago!"
"That's not fair! I know I've made a few—"
"A lot."
"—of mistakes in the past, but I've gotten better! I can make a good purchase for the shop every now and then. I even managed to make a profit two months in a row."
"Really? Then care to explain these?" the demon pulled out a small box from thin air and opened it, revealing a bunch of crystals attached to strings at the end of each one.
"Oh...you found them..." Wiz swallowed nervously, her face turning pale.
"Ooooh they are actually quite pretty," Aqua awed, pulling one out and dangling it in front of her in order to admire it in the light. "What are they, some sort of fashionable necklace?"
"Not exactly. They are hypnotic crystals," Wiz answered.
"Hypnotic crystals? So they can create an inescapable trance prison?"
"Yes, exactly!" Wiz said, excited at the chance to explain and justify her purchase, "by holding it in front of the target and simply saying "trance" the user will cast an all power trance spell that holds for five hours and cannot be broken by any means before the time limit. Also, the caster can then have the target do anything they say, provided it is not physically impossible for the target to do it. And finally, each crystal contains its own magic stored within it, meaning that it costs the caster literally nothing to use it."
"Wow, sounds amazing! A bit sketchy to be honest, but seeing how you're a lich that doesn't surprise me," Aqua said, ignoring Wiz's pained look at that last comment, "this would be great for adventurers looking to take on quests with dangerous monsters. Why would you think this is a bad purchase?"
"The shopkeeper here has neglected to mention the "conditions" for using these crystals," Vanir said thinly, "first, they can only be used by people who have their stats and skills maxed out, which rarely come by in this small town for beginners."
"Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean they don't ever show up—"
"Second, they only work on humans. They are completely worthless if used against animals, monsters, demons, or anything else that isn't a human being."
"Okay...that does put a bigger limitation to its use (and makes it even more sketchy) but still—"
"And finally, these crystals can only be used by people in the archbishop/priest class; in other words, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE AGAINST USING HYPNOSIS SPELLS ON OTHER HUMANS!" he yelled before throwing the box to the floor.
"No, wait!" Wiz lunged forward and caught the box, "you can't just throw them away! They're valuable merchandise and—"
"Valuable my foot! We would have better luck selling the black mold growing under the shop than these accursed crystals. Where in the name of the Demon King would we find an amoral archpriests with maxed stats and a complete disregard of the church's rules to buy these things?!"
"I'll buy one."
Both undead blinked in unison before turning to face the goddess.
"What?"
"Excuse moi?"
"I'll buy one of these crystals from you."
"...why?"
"Because I think they're really cool and would really want one; plus, I hate to see my good friend Whiz so distraught for such a minor mistake," she clapped her hands together and cocked her head to the side while trying to give her most innocent smile.
And failed miserably.
"Um, Aqua? I'm thankful that you wish to help me, but you don't need to—"
"Shopkeeper, why don't you go do inventory while I deal with this?"
"But Vanir I—"
"If you don't leave this instant moi will death ray you until you are nothing but a walking skeleton," he threatened coldly, his eyes flashing red for a second.
"Eeep! I'm going!" the lich quickly ran to the back of the shop and closed the door behind her.
"Now, now, was that really necessary? It's not like there's any risk of her ruining this sale for you. I already said I was going to buy one, and a goddess always keeps her word," Aqua said honestly.
"Oh moi has no doubt that you really want this product, and if it were just that then even that useless shopkeeper would be able to ensure the sale without anything going wrong; what concerns moi is the possibility that you might accidentally let your intentions slip , and then she would refuse to sell it to you."
"Why? I already told you that I wanted it because I thought it was cool and want to help Whiz."
"Unlike you, moi is not an idiot that is unable to tell when someone is blatantly lying to them," he smirked as she twitched slightly at his jab. "So moi knows the real reason why you want these crystals; and moi must say, moi is impressed by just how devious you are. Not surprised, but impressed."
"Do you always grill your customers this way? Especially ones that are extending an olive branch and trying to help you?" she asked annoyed. "Also, you're a devil, since when do you care about what others do?"
"Make no mistake, moi was merely commenting about your intentions; moi cares not what the customer does with the products they purchase from this store," Vanir responded calmly. "Be they a human with a noble heart or a servant of the demon king, as long as they possess the coin and pose no threat to this establishment, they are free to do whatever they want. The shopkeeper does not agree with that policy, which is why we are not going to tell her about the true nature of this transaction, are we?"
"Then just tell me the price so that I can pay and be on my way."
"Ten thousand."
"WHAT?!"
"Ten thousand eris," Vanir repeated calmly.
"That can't be the price for one of these things!"
"It isn't. That's the price for the whole box. Well, actually, the box costs us five thousand eris, but we do need to make a profit out of it," he said honestly.
"Y-You can't do that!"
"Actually, as a private seller, moi can decide on the price for any product that this shop has acquired beforehand. If you do not agree with that price, you can simply go to another seller and see if they have a price that you agree with. That is the beauty of the free market."
"Fine, then I'll just do that. Good luck selling your junk to someone else," the goddess replied haughtily as she made her way towards the door.
"Though perhaps moi should inform you that this shop is the only one in this town that possesses these crystals."
Aqua stopped.
"And the closest place where you can buy them is located in a city with a three-month travel distance from this village."
Aqua turned and raised her finger to say something.
"By carriage."
She lowered her finger.
"So, if you really want these hypnotic crystals, your only reasonable option is to buy them from moi."
"...two thousand."
"Ten."
"Three thousand!"
"Ten."
"Five and that's as high as I'll go!"
"Ten," Vanir said without hesitation.
"I thought you were desperate to get rid of these things!"
"No, moi simply wishes to make a profit from these practically worthless crystals. Moi can see that you are the only person who will ever want them, so moi has two choices: make that profit now, or make it never. Even a second-rate goddess with a low intelligence score can figure out which is the better option."
"Oh come one! You can't expect me to pay up that much money for this!"
"The devil who sees all is well aware that you and your party took a very lucrative quest this morning, which you successfully completed at the cost of you smelling like an overflowing chamber pot," he raised his hand to his temple and contemplated for a moment, "and moi sees that you currently have in your possession 11,000 eris from your cut of the reward."
Damn it! I was really hoping he wouldn't know that.
"As you can see, moi is not completely heartless; you still have 1,000 eris to spend on booze like you originally intended too. Granted, you won't be able to buy the high-quality stuff you had been eyeing, but moi is confident that at the end of the day you don't care what you drink as long as you get drunk."
"Hrrrr!" Aqua growled, fighting back the strong urge to purify the demon in front of her.
"So, do we have a deal?" he smiled while extending his hand.
Later that night
"Ugh what a day," Kazuma muttered to himself while putting on his shirt. It was already night time. He was back at the mansion, having just finished taking a long, hot bath, ready to hit the sack and not get up until morning.
"First the toad stuff, then I had to haggle the client to make sure they paid us full price for the goods, then I had to settle a complaint about Megumin's explosion magic destroying some noble's yard, and then I had to fill out everyone's paperwork at the guild because of course, they would forget to do it themselves," he grumbled, tossing his towel into the hamper, "I didn't even have time to go to the succubus shop to schedule a nightly visit."
He sighed and stepped out of the bathroom, "well, it wasn't completely horrible though. At least I didn't see Aqua for the rest of the da—"
"KAZUMAAAAA!"
Me and my big mouth, he thought irritably as he turned around the corridor and saw the blue-haired goddess, already in her nightgown, running towards him.
"KAZUMA! KAZUMA! YOU NEED TO COME QUICKLY!" she cried upon reaching him.
"What is it?"
"Someone got into my room and stole some wine I had been hiding there!"
"Oh my god, seriously?! You're bothering me this late for that!?" he gritted his teeth and pinched the bridge between his nose, "why don't you go and annoy Darkness or Megumin for once and let me go to bed?"
"I can't go to them, they are already in their rooms sleeping!"
"And I'm about to go to my room and do the same, so buzz off. Besides, you're supposed to be a goddess, you can solve this on your own."
"You don't understand Kazuma; whomever did this went after the secret, high-quality stuff!"
"...And?"
"I kept that hidden with magic and surrounded by a bunch of decoys I had placed to keep them away. Whoever did this knew exactly what they were looking for and where to look for it!"
"Still fail to see how this is my problem."
"Well, what if they target you next?"
"The only valuables I have in my room are Cris' panties. I doubt anyone would go through great lengths to get them."
"Look, just come with me and help me figure this out," she grabbed his arm and tried pulling him away.
"Pass. Knowing you, you probably drank that wine last night and just forgot."
"I did not! It was taken from me and I want to know who! So you better come with me and help me or I will not leave you alone all night!" She threatened while pouting.
"You little..." Kazuma gritted his teeth and shook her off of him. "Fine. I'll help you with this; and when we find out you were the one who drank the stupid wine, I'm going to give you such a wallop."
"Let's go!" she ran ahead, with a fuming Kazuma following slowly. Eventually, they reached her door, with Aqua slipping in before him.
Just have a quick look around and then get out. You can do this Kazuma. Just a little longer and the day will be over. He stepped inside and saw the blue-haired goddess standing in the middle of the room with her back turned to him.
"All right you useless goddess, where was this precious wine that you—"
Before he could finish, Aqua disappeared, leaving in her place nothing but a small card on the floor.
He blinked, "what the—?"
He suddenly heard the door behind him close, followed by the click of the lock. Turning around he saw Aqua standing behind him, except she was wearing her goddess clothes and a suspicious grin on her face.
"Aqua? What are you do—?"
The goddess suddenly extended her hand, revealing a small blue crystal hanging from a string, and held it in front of him.
"Trance!"
The crystal began to glow and expel a multi-color beam directly at Kazuma, who looked equal parts confused and annoyed. However, his demeanor soon began to change. His body lost all of its tension, with his arms hanging limply on his sides, his scowl slowly vanished, and his eyes became half-lidded and glazed over. Once the crystal stopped glowing, he simply stood there quietly, looking straight at her, yet at the same time not really looking at her at all.
Did it work? Is he under a hypnotical spell? I guess I could test it out.
She chucked the crystal at his head. The boy made no attempt to stop it, nor did he make any acknowledgment when it hit him in the forehead and bounced off onto the ground.
"Yes it worked!" she pumped her fist triumphantly. "Good thing I also bought that illusion card from Vanir just to be safe. Now he's completely under my control. Let's try this out."
She walked up to Kazuma, who made no movement or acknowledgment, and stood in front of him. She raised her hand to his face and waved it around; he didn't even blink.
"Can you hear me?"
"...Yes," his voice was slow and monotonous.
"Good. Let's see how obedient you are. I want you to answer me with complete honesty. Tell me your name."
"Setou Kazuma."
"And you are here because?"
"I died in my world and was transported to this one to fight the demon lord."
"And how did you die?"
"I thought I got run over by a truck, pissed myself, and then died of shock."
She snickered at that last part, "And I told you that even your parents laughed at how stupid your death was. Do you think that's true?"
"Probably. I was basically a shut-in that rarely left his room, dropped out of school, and at one point even tried to convince them to get a divorce and remarry so I would get a cute imouto like in a lot of the mangas I read."
"Pffft HA HA HA HA! Yep that sound about right," she laughed while lightly slapping his cheek. "Poor, poor Kazuma. You really were just a no-good shut-in neet, weren't you?"
He nodded.
She suddenly came up with an idea of what to do next. "Don't worry. I, the great goddess Aqua, will give your pathetic life some purpose."
She walked to her bed and sat on the edge, beckoning him to follow, which he did. Once he was in front on her, she pointed to the ground.
"On your knees."
He knelt down.
"Now bow down. Lower, I want your head to touch the floor."
He followed her orders.
"Good. Now, repeat after me. Say, 'Oh, lovely goddess Aqua, how may this humble neet serve you?' Come on, say it."
Kazuma mumbled something.
"I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you. Speak up," she sneered while placing her heel on the back of his head and pressing down.
"Oh lovely goddess Aqua, how may this humble neet serve you?" Kazuma said in a louder—albeit slightly muffled—voice.
"Hmmmm, good question," she tapped her chin while grinding her heel into his head. "I suppose we could start with you making up for all the praising I've lost thanks to being dragged to this stupid world by your selfishness. I'm going to ask you questions, and you will respond with 'You are, oh great goddess Aqua'. Let's try it. Tell me Kazuma, who is the smartest goddess of them all?"
"You are, oh great goddess Aqua."
"Who is the most beautiful of all the goddess? Especially compared to those who pad their bras?"
"You are, oh great goddess Aqua."
"Who is the greatest, single most important goddess in this realm, if not all the realms, who shines brighter than any star, and is certainly NOT useless."
"You are, oh great goddess Aqua."
She squealed in delight, her body shivering from the praise that she had missed so much. Gods, it felt so GOOD. What else should she make him do?
Oh, I know!
She lifted her boot from the back of Kazuma's head, but kept it hovering in front of him.
"Kaaazuma? Be a good servant and take off my boot. Careful though, it's made of very delicate material."
"Yes, goddess Aqua," he lifted his head and reached out for her leg, placing one hand on the heel of the boot and the other on her calf. He slowly began twisting it and pulling it off, until it finally slipped off revealing her smooth, slender leg.
"Good. Now the other one," she watched him with great satisfaction as he proceeded to take off her other boot, setting it down carefully next to the other one. "Aahhhh that feels so much better."
Kazuma didn't say anything.
"Tell me Kazuma: what do you think of them?" she lifted one and slowly waved it in front of his face. "They are perfect, are they not? Not tree trunks like Darkness' legs, but not string beans like Megumin's either. No, THESE are the firm, slender, elegant legs of a goddess. Even you have to agree that, out of the three, I have the best legs. Isn't that right you perverted neet?"
"Yes, goddess, Aqua."
"Of course, in order for them to stay this perfect, they need to be taken care of." She clapped her hands, causing one of her drawers to open and a small burst of water to shoot out, propelling a bottle towards her, which she snatched from the air. "Lotions and massages are part of my daily routine. Unfortunately, I was too busy setting all of this up and was unable to do it today; and since it is your fault I couldn't do it, I think it's only natural you pamper your goddess a little by doing it for her."
She moved one of her legs forward and placed her foot under his chin, lifting it up so he was looking right at her.
"Don't you agree, Kazuma?" she cooed.
"Yes, goddess Aqua."
"Well then," she tossed the bottle at his chest (which hit him with a soft thud and fell onto his lap before he picked it up), "get to it then."
The boy nodded, opening the bottle and pressing the lotion onto his hand. He rubbed them together before gently taking one of her legs and rubbing it all over her soft skin.
"That's right, gently now," Aqua purred, closing her eyes as she felt his fingers squeeze and caress her calf, enjoying the feeling of the cool lotion on her skin. Once he was done with her leg, he moved his hands down to her heel and then her foot.
"Don't forget the bottom, Kazuma," she raised her foot slightly in front of him. Nodding slightly, he softly grabbed it and began rubbing her sole.
"Hey, that tickles!" She giggled as she felt him pressing his thumbs against the softer part of the sole before moving up to her toes, pressing and rubbing each one before pulling them enough for them to make a small pop.
"Good, now the other one," she said smugly while pulling back her leg and placing the other one in his lap so he'd continue. "You know, Kazuma, you're actually not half bad at this. Maybe you should consider giving up on being an adventurer and just offer giving foot massages at the guild. Granted, most other women wouldn't want a pervert like you anywhere near them, and it's not exactly the most glamorous job in the world; but it's probably better than a shut-in neet like you would have ever gotten. Don't you agree?"
"Yes, goddess Aqua," he responded while continuing his work.
"I thought so," she smirked smugly while enjoying her massage. She meant it too; he was surprisingly good at it, almost on par with the personal masseuse she used to have back in the god realm. Granted, his hands were more calloused than the magical girl's, but she actually enjoyed the added roughness against her soft skin.
Not that I'd ever tell him.
"All right, looks like you're done," she pulled her foot out of his grasp, pretending to examine her leg. "Not bad, not bad, considering this is probably the first time you've given a massage to a goddess like myself; and as a reward," she extended her foot daintily in front of him, "I'll let you kiss my feet like the good worshiper you are."
"Thank you, goddess Aqua," grabbing a hold of her leg once more he began to kiss it, causing Aqua to shiver with delight.
Oh yeah, that's the stuff. This is what I've been missing, she sighed happily as she felt Kazuma "worship" her, but I think that's enough for tonight. I'll just send him back to his room and—
Her train of thought came to a halt when she noticed something.
"Hellooooo. What do we have HERE?" she grinned wickedly while pushing her foot out of Kazuma's grasp and pressed it against the tent growing in his pants. The boy winced slightly at the touch, but made no other acknowledgment. "Is my little neet worshipper getting hard? Could it be that you have a thing for feet?"
"Yes, goddess Aqua."
"Pffft, ha ha ha! Oh man, now that's rich!" she laughed while rubbing her foot up and down his growing erection. "So, not only do you have a fetish for little sisters, but now you also fantasize about their feet? You really are shameless, no wonder you hid from the rest of the world. Tell me, how bad is your fetish?"
"Back in my world, I had a secret folder with just pictures of feet on my computer."
"Real or fake?"
"Both."
"OH GODS MY SIDES!" she fell back rolling and kicking in laughter, "this is just too good! You're even more pathetic than I thought! Honestly, keeping you as my personal worshiper and foot stool would be a step up for you," she wheezed, wiping a tear off her eye. "So, what? You were constantly looking at my feet and rubbing one out while we shared that stable?"
"No."
"...Huh?"
"I could never do it with you nearby."
She sat up, narrowing her eyes at him, "Why?"
"Because I do not find you attractive in the slightest," he responded honestly, though his voice was still as monotonous. "I did think you were cute at first, but the more time I spent with you, the more I found that just put me off. Your whining voice, your drinking habit, and also how you can't seem to do anything right but cause us trouble and put me in debt."
Aqua felt her eye twitch.
"Whenever I need to jerk off I just picture someone that I actually find hot. Like Darkness. Or Wiz. Or Eris—"
"SHUT UP!" she shrieked, raising her foot and stomping his face over and over, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!"
Kazuma stopped talking, barely reacting to the abuse he was currently suffering.
She stopped, though she left her foot pressed against his face, breathing heavily and feeling her anger boil within her, "you dare...you dare say that Eris, MY JUNIOR, is more attractive than me?!"
"Yes," came the muffled reply.
"SHUT UP, YOU WORTHLESS NEET!" she shrieked, pooling her goddess magic into her hand. "YOU NO GOOD, PERVERTED, LOW LIFE, SCUM! I SHOULD SMITE YOU! I SHOULD SEND YOU TO A WORLD EVEN WORSE THAN THIS! I SHOULD MAKE YOU SUFFER IN THE MOST HORRIBLE WAY! I SHOULD...I should..."
Something clicked inside; and just like that, all her anger evaporated.
She removed her foot and straightened herself, "so Kazuma, you are a virgin, are you not?"
He nodded.
"You probably want to lose that, don't you?"
He nodded once more, slightly faster.
"With whom? Whiz?
Nod.
"Darkness? Megumin? ...Eris?" she spat the last name out.
He nodded to each name.
"What about me?"
He immediately shook his head, vehemently.
Aqua let out a fake sigh, "You find me that unattractive? You would rather lose your virginity to a disgusting lich, a masochist freak, an explosion happy girl, or a second rate goddess than to me? I must say, that hurts Kazuma; that hurts...a lot," she growled, reaching out and grabbing him by the hair, yanking it up so he would look her in the eye.
"I'm sorry, goddess A—"
"That means nothing to me!" she hissed. "I don't want your empty words brought out only by some stupid hypnotic crystal! By morning you will be back to your usual self, berating me and calling me useless! No, that's not enough. You need to pay."
A cruel smile spread through her face, "And I know just the thing."
She let go of him and sat back on her bed, her mind set. Snapping her fingers she made all her clothes vanish, leaving her completely naked and exposed in front of the boy (who didn't even blink at it).
"Come closer Kazuma. Ah, ah, ah! I didn't say get up; I said, come closer," she smirked as he shuffled closer and closer to the bed until his face was up close to her bare snatch . "Good boy. This must be the first time you've seen a real one this close no? Oh, who am I kidding, this is the first time you've seen a real one period."
He nodded.
"Well, you're in luck, because," she reached out and grabbed his spiky brown hair again, "you're going to do a lot more than just seeing one."
She pulled his head forward, pressing his face directly against her pussy, shivering slightly at the feeling of him breathing directly into it.
"Now, pleasure your goddess. I'm sure you have some idea what to do," she ordered.
He nodded, beginning by kissing her outer lips, causing her to gasp slightly. Sticking out his tongue, he began teasing her folds while opening her entrance slightly with his fingers. Moving up he began focusing on her clit, flicking it with his tongue a few times before sucking on it gently.
"Haaaa, not bad, but I think that's enough for the outside," Aqua said.
Upon her request, Kazuma moved his head back down and buried his face in, pushing his tongue deep inside her before moving it around. He wriggled and squirmed his tongue against her inner walls, at times holding it down before pressing against them.
"Ooooh, that feels gooood," Aqua slurred, the pleasure slowly building up inside her. Suddenly, she felt a spike of electricity shoot up her spine when he hit a specific spot with his tongue, causing her to yelp, "There! Keep it there!"
Obeying her command, Kazuma kept his tongue inside and pressing on the spot he had discovered. He flicked his tongue, pulled it back, pressed down over and over before dragging the tip side to side; all while Aqua's grip on him tightened, holding him in place as she felt her peak coming close.
"Guh...guh...guAAAAAAH!"
The goddess wrapped her legs around his head as she came, holding him tightly as she rode out the waves of her pleasure, her pussy gushing juices into Kazuma's face and even dripping onto his clothes. A few moments later she felt herself coming down, slowly releasing her grip on him as she tried to catch her breath.
She looked down at Kazuma still pressed up against her and grinned, "Go ahead, Kazuma. Drink the holy nectar of a goddess." She began to shiver as she felt him lapping up her fluids, eventually pulling back revealing his face a wet, sticky mess.
"Look at this!" Aqua tutted at him. She pointed at his shirt, "use that to clean yourself; and when you're done, throw it to the side. Pants and underwear, too, by the way."
Kazuma nodded and did as he was told, soon completely bare in front of the goddess with nothing but his "Excalibur" standing at full mast.
"Hmmmm, not bad. I'm sure some human girls would have found it impressive; too bad your personality makes sure no one wants to see it," she snickered. She got up and gestured at the bed, "Lie down."
Once he followed her orders, Aqua got on the bed as well before straddling him. Reaching down she took his dick and pressed it against his body so that she could effectively put her snatch against it without it going in her. Once she was in position, she began rocking her hips back and forth, rubbing her slick pussy against him.
She moaned softly, "You feel that Kazuma?"
He nodded.
"Must feel nice, right? Being teased by a real woman rubbing her wet, hot pussy against your hard cock," she felt his dick twitch under her, "but it's not Wiz or Darkness or Megumin rubbing themselves on you. It's me: the goddess that you find so unattractive."
She looked down at him, "Tell me Kazuma: if you weren't under my spell, how would you honestly react to this?"
"I'd hate it. I'd want you to get off me so that I could run to the bathroom and wash immediately. Maybe even throw up because of the shock."
"That so?" Sheslowly leaned down until her face was inches away from his, "you'd really hate it that much?"
"Yes."
"So much so that, if I gave you the chance to lose your virginity right here and now, you'd say no?"
"Yes."
Aqua clicked her tongue as she stopped rubbing herself on Kazuma, "I understand. You want your first time to be special. Or, knowing you, you just want it to be with someone you think is really hot. You probably want Darkness or Wiz to with their giant breasts, or maybe you'd rather do it with Megumin's or Eris' tight pussy. Is that it?"
"Yes."
"Well," she raised her hips, causing his cock to spring up just below her dripping entrance.
"Too bad."
She then brought her hips down, pushing his cock inside her.
"Guh!"
"Nnngh!"
She dug her nails into his chest, the sudden shock running up her body caused her to tense up. Not painful (celestial toys took care of that issue ages ago ), but she definitely put his cock in too fast for his size. He wasn't stretching her out or anything, but his cock pressed against her inner walls at just the right angles and made her feel good. However, that was nothing compared to the pleasure she felt when she looked down at Kazuma. While his eyes were still vacant and staring ahead at nothing, his face was grimacing and he clutched the sheets tightly.
"What's wrong, Kazuma? Oh right, you REALLY hate the idea of having sex with me."
He nodded.
With a short laugh, Aqua began to move her hips up and down his now drenched shaft, making sure it went all the way in her pussy whenever she lowered herself. Every time she reached the base of his cock, she paused for a second and wiggled her ass from side to side, making sure his cock touched every inch of her insides.
"Gggg...gggghhhh," Kazuma grimaced under her.
"Hmmm, I don't think I like the noises you are making," Aqua pouted. An idea suddenly came to her as she reached down and pulled Kazuma's head up, pressing it against her chest. "Let's put that annoying mouth of yours to good use: start sucking."
Kazuma opened his mouth and took one of her breasts, his teeth prickling her smooth skin as he began to suck as she had commanded. He went slow, gently moving his head in order to pull against her breast slightly while flicking his tongue against her now hard nipple.
"That tickles!" Aqua giggled, her grip on his head alternating with each shiver that ran up her spine.
Although, maybe this is a bit too much? She frowned and pulled herself back just enough for her breast to pop out of his mouth, leaving him with his mouth agape and his tongue hanging out slightly, while his face was incredibly flustered.
...Nah.
"Now the other one; but this time, with more feeling," she ordered before shifting his head towards her other breast. He reached up and took it in his mouth, this time sucking harder and faster than before, to the point where he tried to get the whole thing inside his mouth.
Aqua, meanwhile, rode him hard - every time their hips connected,it made a very audible smack. She couldn't help herself, as right now Kazuma's cock was repeatedly hitting her deepest part with such intensity she could feel her peak coming up; and judging from the way she could feel his dick twitch and swell inside of her, he wasn't far behind. She just needed one last thing to push her over the edge.
"Kazuma, bite!"
The boy bit down on her soft skin while giving her breast one last, hard suck.
"HYYYAAAA!" Aqua grabbed onto Kazuma and held him tight against her as she finally came into her biggest orgasm of the night, a rush of pleasure crashed against her body, causing her pussy to tighten around Kazuma's member. Said stimulation proved to be the end for the boy as well, and with a muffled moan he unleashed his load inside the goddess, shooting rope after rope of cum nonstop.
"Haaaaaa...not bad, Kazuma," Aqua sighed as her body finally eased up enough for his cock to slip out of her. Looking down, she saw his face mixed somewhere between pleasure and disgust: one of his eyes was half-lidded while the other was wide open, and one side of his mouth was completely relaxed while the other was clenched tightly grimacing. The pleasure of seeing him in such a state felt almost as good as the sex itself (almost).
"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" She patted his cheek mockingly, "And, while it would be fun to keep this going, I think it's best we leave it for tonight; after all, it might be a while before your Excalibur is ready to go again and I'm not sure how much time I have left before you wake up."
She grabbed his chin and made him look her in the eyes.
"So I want you to listen very carefully to what I'll say next."
The next morning
"Uuuuugh, someone give me coffee," Kazuma groaned as he walked into the dining area, taking a seat before dropping his head onto the table.
"Kazuma?" Megumin asked as she approached the slumped figure.
"Yes...I'm Kazuma," came a muffled reply before he (barely) raised his face, revealing his utter exhaustion, with his hair completely disheveled and bags under his eyes.
"What happened to you?" Megumin asked shocked, "You look terrible."
"Indeed! Pray tell, Kazuma, what has happened to you," Darkness interjected, trying to sound concerned but having a hard time hiding the obvious excitement behind her voice. "Were you attacked last night? That's it, wasn't it! Some vicious creature snuck into your quarters and used some sort of foul magic to drain your life force while you slept. Oh, the horror! It must have been quite the excruciating, terrible—"
"Aw, can it, you freak!" Kazuma snapped.
"Ahh!" Darkness grabbed her chest, panting, "So cruel..."
"I just didn't sleep well, okay?"
"What, did you fill your mattress with rocks and angry bees?" Megumin asked.
"No. I had a bad dream. A horrible, HORRIBLE nightmare that still haunts me even now," Kazuma said, his face darkening with every word.
"Geez, how bad could it be to leave you in this state?"
"I dreamt I—" Kazuma suddenly stopped.
Megumin cocked her head curiously, "Yes?"
Kazuma coughed loudly, "That...uh...that the demon king attacked the mansion and took me as his prisoner and tortured me to death. It was horrible, he pulled my guts out before making me eat them."
"Ew," Megumin scrunched her face in disgust.
"Did he do anything to us?" Darkness asked hopefully.
"I don't know. Maybe he cut your head off; look can we just drop it so I can get some coffee" Kazuma said, wanting the subject to change quickly before he told them something he would regret.
Shit, that was close. I almost said...that out loud; and to Darkness and Megumin no less. It doesn't seem like they noticed I lied to cover myself, thank god. Darkness is probably going to be hounding me for more "details" about what happened to her in the dream, but I can deal with that. In any case, I'd rather listen to Darkness go on about her weird fantasies for an entire day than ever tell anyone that I actually dreamt about sleeping with—
"Good morning, everyone!"
Aqua walked in the dining room with a skip in her step and humming a tune to herself.
"Good morning, Aqua."
"Hey, Aqua."
Kazuma simply grumbled while looking the other way.
"How is everyone doing this lovely morning? Doesn't it feel great? The sun is shining bright, there isn't a single cloud in the sky, and even the birds are singing. You know what we should do? We should have a picnic later today!"
"Whoa, you're in a good mood," Megumin quipped.
"Indeed; and not just that, but there is something different about you today," Darkness looked at the young woman up and down, "You seem more...refreshed perhaps? No, that's not it. It's more like you have this amazing glow to you."
"Hee hee, thanks. I did have an amazing good night sleep last night, so it must have been that."
You probably just drank yourself unconscious again, Kazuma thought bitterly.
"Maybe you can give Kazuma some advice. He's been in a foul mood this morning and it would seem that it's because he had a horrible dream last night that prevented him from getting a good night's sleep."
"Awww is that true Kazuma? Did the little shut-in neet have a bad dream?"
"Shut...up..." he growled.
"Don't worry, Kazuma. If you ever have a bad dream again, feel free to let me know. I'll stay by your side until you fall asleep and make sure no big bad monster is around; I might even tuck you in and read you a story if I'm in a good mood," she patted him on the back condescendingly.
He turned to face her, "Llike you could even manage to do that you use—!"
He suddenly stopped mid-sentence, shock etched on his face.
"Hmmm? What was that Kazuma?" Aqua asked amused.
"I said you're a use—! A use—! A USE—!" the boy was practically purple in the face, though it was hard to tell if it was from exhaustion or rage.
"Didn't quite get that. Come on now, don't be shy; use your words like a big boy."
"S-Shut up! Just...just get your stuff ready, we're leaving for the guild in ten minutes!" Kazuma got up from the table and stormed out of the room, ignoring the other girls very confused faces and Aqua's snickering.
What the hell was that?! Why can't I call her useless like I always do?! First that horrible dream, now this?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!
"That was...weird," Megumin said.
"Indeed. Perhaps the situation is worse than we thought. I've haven't seen Kazuma like this before. Could it be that maybe he was attacked in one way or another during the night? It could have been another succubus that managed to get to him again like last time."
"Nah, there's no way. My barrier would stop any demon or undead that tried to get in," Aqua waved them off while pouring herself some tea.
"Well, whatever is going on, it is clear that Kazuma is in dire straits. We can't simply stand by and just leave him like this. If this is really as simple as him getting a good night's sleep, then surely you can help him with that, Aqua. After all, you seem to stumble upon something that proved to be beneficial for you. We know that you and Kazuma don't always get along, but, should his situation not improve by the end of the day, could you please help him tonight?"
"Weeeeell," the goddess reached up and began fiddling with a small blue crystal hanging around her neck, which only now the other two had taken notice, tapping it lightly against her chin as she pondered for a while.
After a few minutes, she smiled at Darkness.
"Oh what the heck. Sure, I'll pay Kazuma a visit tonight and see what I can do."
Author's note: here it is. The Konosuba one shot I promised last year. Sorry it took so long, but that's life.
The main "inspiration" for this would be the fact that most smut works I've read/seen revolve around Kazuma taking the lead, or initiating the sex, or tricking someone, you get the point. So I figured, why not reverse it for once and have him be the victim. I chose Aqua because, of the three main girls, she feels like the one who would have a bone to pick with Kazuma and the only one who might actually try something like this.
And before anyone asks: no, there is no sequel or continuation for this story. It's one and done. I might make another Konosuba fic in the future, but no promises.