Summary:
Ward is tainted by bad memories…
Comments are greatly appreciated: so, let me know what you think!
Chapter:
The lapping of the waves, near her and far and farer repeating itself in an apparently infinite distance, had always been one of Skye's favorite background noises: it gave her the sensation of a never-ending space. It was so relaxing, especially given the possibility to walk into the warm water wetting her feet till the ankles. So, after the dinner, she rolled up her trousers and went by the shore, walking in the waves, and meanwhile searching for shells.
Ward, instead, remained sitting by the fire, contemplating Skye's black and slender profile against the setting sun that was reflecting itself in the water and coloring the sky: she seemed engulfed in an ocean of red fire.
She sometimes kneeled down to pick up a shell that she considered remarkable, washed it, and then kept it in her right hand, together with the others she already found, like they were little treasures, and showing it in the distance to him with an exultant smile.
He couldn't do anything else than smiling back.
She was acting like a little girl and he adored that!
Ward wondered how she could have been when she was little: he would have liked a lot to take a look to some photos of her at an early age… if only someone had had the decency of taking them…
She for sure must have been cute!
Maybe her daughters would resemble her…
At that sudden thought Ward felt a pang in his heart!
Her daughters…
His daughters!
And he felt instantaneously trembling inside.
With the mess his family had been… with the wrongs his father did… being a father himself… it was an unthinkable thought!
When the darkness of the night fell on them, Skye returned and kneeled down next to the fire on the warm sand with a sigh, inspecting all the shells she collected.
She chose one of them, the most beautiful and perfect, and then she stood up looking down, tenderly, at Ward.
The night was pleasurable, the stars in the sky billions, the atmosphere tremendously romantic and she could not help but get close to him, who sat with his back propped against the wall of stone behind him, one leg relaxed on the sand and the other folded against his chest, one elbow on his knee and his eyes lost in the fire.
He had a hard expression on his face…
"Hey, hot guy! What are you thinking about, that is making you so shady?" she asked, jokingly.
He chuckled.
"I'm thinking about the purifying and destructive power of fire… its warmth… its light.
It's a truly extraordinary natural element!"
"But it can be also very dangerous."
"Yeah… It did get me in trouble many times.
Anytime I see it, it reminds me of the arson I set on my family manor, so many years ago… and the reasons why I did it…"
His voice was lost in remembrance, with rage underneath.
But then a shiver went down his back:
"But, believe me, this earthly fire is nothing, nothing! compared to the Hellfire!"
"Yeah… You told me you saw it..." she said.
"Not only saw…" he answered, and his voice was grave.
There was a moment of silence, then Ward continued:
"Tell me this, Skye, because I still didn't understood that.
Do you actually believe in God?"
She looked at the beautiful shell in her hand and sat near him:
"Look at this shell.
Isn't it beautiful? Its proportions, it colors, the perfection of the spiral… It's only a stupid shell, like myriads of them in the ocean… but it is perfect.
It is a masterpiece.
Look around us: the beauty of this place, the rose sand, the trees, the ocean and the words it is whispering to us, the power of the sun, the billions of stars in the sky… this is all so breathtakingly wonderful!
Look at us, our bodies, our own perfection and beauty.
Think about our intelligence, reason, sensitivity, emotions, thoughts, desires…
All of this can't be here for a mere chance.
So, yes: I believe in the existence of God, even if I declared the contrary, just some months ago. But that was because I was completely out of my mind…
When I was at the orphanage, the nuns kept threatening all the bad boys and girls, and of course I was among them, about God's wrath if we kept misbehaving… We didn't do that because we were bad, but only because we wanted to attract their attention!
They weren't cold or unaffectionate… they were very good people, sincerely driven by love and faith… but they were few and we many, so they hadn't time to cuddle or caress or kiss any of us, except sometimes Sister Bertha with me and few others.
And we needed cuddling and caresses and kisses so much!"
At that Ward fastened his gaze with hers and slipped his left arm around her back pulling her towards him, making her rest her head on his shoulder, near his neck.
She remembered doing the same with Hive, but this time the feeling was much better!
This time… well… this time there was love in the air. And that changed everything.
He kissed the crown of her head and started caressing her hair with an open hand.
She liked the sensations a lot, but after a while she felt it wasn't enough… she felt she wanted more…
So she sneaked between his legs and rested her entire back on his torso and her head on his right shoulder. He embraced her from behind circling her slender waist with his arms, and she put her hands on them, feeling all his muscles and tendons moving under her fingers.
Finally!
When he was prisoner in Vault D she had to figuratively slap herself more than once not to stare to his arms, to avoid (unsuccessfully) him becoming aware that she was still attracted to him.
Now she hadn't to hide her pulsions anymore.
With a satisfied sight she said:
"You are warm… and very comfy, you know that? Better than an armchair's back.
And you aren't bad even as a pillow, if I can deduce something from last night…"
He chuckled.
"Do you know Pascal?" he asked her, out of the blue.
"No… I think not… Why?"
"Blaise Pascal was a French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer and Christian philosopher.
He is very famous also for the so called Pascal's Wager.
It says, more or less, the following:
' God, in our acceptation, is the infinite Good and our eternal Felicity.
But does God really exist, or not?
Reason can decide nothing: neither if He is or if He is not, nor if there's life after death or not. According to mere reason, you can choose neither the one thing nor the other; according to reason, you can defend neither of the propositions.
But you must wager.
It is not optional.
You are embarked by the very fact that you live.
Which will you choose?
What will you wager?'
And then he answers as the mathematician he is:
"Wagering that God is and that there's life after death, if you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing.
On the other hand, wagering that God is not, if you gain, you gain nothing; if you lose, you lose all.
Wager, then, without hesitation that He is. '
"
Skye remained pensive for a while, then commented:
"Very rational, indeed! It is a topic that could raise doubts in many atheists…
But I think that this issue should be brought to a much more personal level.
Back to what the nuns told us at the orphanage, I didn't believe in such a God: a punisher, an avenger, a powerful being ready to minutely analyze your every word or act, to find the bad in them and throw you to Hell.
No.
The version I liked was Sister Bertha's.
God is Love.
That was the version I reputed right.
God is the One that binds us all together, that protects us, that knows us intimately and tries to save us from the evil both in ourselves and around us, with any mean possible, but respecting our freedom.
Moreover, the most human thing about man is this eternal, childlike hope that somehow, someday, the deepest yearnings of one's heart will come true.
Is there anybody so proud and unfeeling not to admit that he would be deliriously happy if, by some strange magic, these deep and ingrained longings could be fulfilled? If there was actually an eternal everlasting life beyond death after all?
I'm certainly not among those people!
I strongly believe in life after death, and I believe in God.
And I hope that, someday, the deepest yearnings of my heart will come true."
She was looking at him with longing eyes: one of her deepest yearning was to be kissed by him, right now, the memories from their night in the patio rushing back overpoweringly.
But he seemed too serious, in that moment, and his stare was fixed in the fire.
So she continued, with a deepest voice:
"Talking on a more personal level, as I said, Jesus is the One that freed me from my horrible sins and gave me peace.
He melted all the ice that imprisoned my heart in the burning furnace of His Love.
I really felt that, and it was an indescribable moment, a turning point, really!
Without His intervention I would have fallen downwards in the abyss again.
I will never forget what He did for me and I will be forever grateful!"
"He's the only One that can heal souls and free them from the evil.
And you got it: God must be known personally, otherwise religion remains only a superficial philosophy or a vague philanthropy…
And He is the only worthy to be loved above anything and anybody else, but how can you love Him so, if you don't know Him personally?"
He sighed and continued, still looking in the fire:
"When I was a kid, Gramsy told me about God and I felt a strange longing when she did so…
She was a woman of true faith.
The days I spent with her were the happiest of my childhood... or, better, almost the only happy days of my childhood...
The rest was hell.
She taught me how to pray.
I think I felt something beautiful, in those moments.
But then so much rumbled on me… so much pain, so much hate! And I was so little…
So for a large part of my life I forgot all that."
"You loved your Gramsy very much, didn't you? You told me something about her even the first time we met, when you were under the effect of the truth serum! Remember?
And don't try to mess with me again!
I know that the serum exists!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah… it exists, damn it! You have discovered it, at last!" he confirmed, amused.
"Tell me about her…"
"She saved my life…
But I would prefer not to think about that, right now… sorry.
Another time… maybe."
"Oh…
I didn't mean to hit a nerve…"
Skye was cursing herself: she knew he had serious family issues!
Why dig down on that, right now?
She couldn't find a worst timing for not keeping her big mouth shut!
"It isn't your fault" he sighed.
The silence stretched between them, while Ward's right hand's back wandered absentmindedly on her cheek, caressing and lightly pinching it with the back of his fingers, his eyes lost in the fire. She had her nose close to his neck and was breathing his smell, which reminded her of forests, thunders and musk.
Like always.
Like him.