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Chapter XLIII
Harry had been no more looking forward to their latest meeting with The Patrician than he had been to the previous one, especially as Carrot and he had nothing but bad news to relate. However, this time Lord Vetinari seemed, for some reason, a good deal friendlier; he'd even offered them tea.
"I would offer you alcohol but as you're on duty…"
This was a shame as Harry could really have done with a cognac, or even a brandy, right then. He was surprised that he made this distinction as, up until only a few weeks before, he hadn't been aware that he'd ever even tasted cognac; or brandy for that matter.
"I take it that you have come to inform me that The Mørke is on its way, am I correct?"
"Yes, my lord, said Carrot," affecting no surprise whatever.
Actually, even Harry's gob hadn't exactly been smacked by The Patrician's foreknowledge.
"And what the state of your preparations are too, no doubt?"
"Yes, my lord."
"Do go on," Vetinari urged.
"We have advised all Omnian citizens to move into the Egitto as we will be better able to protect them there."
"You do realise that many people do not consider Omnian immigrants to be citizens at all, don't you?"
"Yes, my lord," said Carrot, "but I am not one of them."
"And you are sure you have reached all of them?"
"No, my lord, but we have spoken to as many of them as we were able to identify and assumed that the word would be passed on. The Omnians have a very efficient information network, much like we dwarfs do."1
"And have the Omnians all moved there?" asked Vetinari.
"As far we are able to tell, my lord, yes they have."
"It must be rather overcrowded."
"Very overcrowded, my lord," Carrot confirmed.
"And do you think you'll be able to protect them there?"
"I have called up all my reserves but it will depend on the number of people who attack them," said Carrot, flatly.
"Of course it will," Vetinari agreed. "And what of The Mørke?"
"Impossible to say, my lord, based on the little information that we currently have," Carrot replied, doing what Harry thought was a good Pompous Policeman.
"May I ask a question, my lord?" asked Harry, because he could no longer contain himself, in spite of Carrot's frown.
"By all means," Vetinari offered.
"Do you know why The Mørke is interested in Ankh-Morpork, in humans alone and in Omnians in particular?"
"Oh, it has no particular interest in any of them," said The Patrician, sounding very sure of himself, "what interests it is hate, because that's what it feeds on. It's just easier to stir up hatred among humans towards other humans than, say, among dwarfs towards other dwarfs. As for Omnians being its target, it's just because there are a lot of them. Had there been a larger population of Zlobenians in the city then it would have used those instead. And Ankh-Morpork isn't its target either: its goal is the whole Disc; it just isn't strong enough yet and this is a good place to start. 'Great plagueth from little thquirming thingth grow', as my personal physician is fond of saying."
Moo was finally awake. Her first words upon opening her eyes had been directed at Tiffany.
"Hello, Miss," she'd said, "I'm hungry."
"Oh, darling!" Tiffany had cried, then jumped onto the bed and hugged her, "you're awake."
"Yes, miss," Moo had laughed, "but I really am hungry."
Agnes had agreed to go down to the kitchens even though all there was there was "vegetarian stuff"2 and it was this that Moo was now tucking into with obvious relish. Agnes had had to admit that the food, vegetarian though it was, did look rather tempting and in the end she'd overcome her prejudices and tried some. She'd then been forced to eat a whole plateful that had been intended for Moo, which meant she'd had to go back down to the kitchens for a lot more of it.
"You look as though you're really enjoying that, darling," said Tiffany, beaming at the little girl's obviously healthy appetite. She even managed a gleam for Agnes, who was clearly enjoying it at least as much.
"It's der-licious!" laughed Moo, "what is it?"
"Ermm, I have no idea," Tiffany had to admit. She looked over pleadingly at Nurse Shame who was adjusting Moo's drip.3 She smiled and pointed to the four different dishes in turn:
"Reenap ratam, hsoj nagor, ibog oola and sasomas," she said.
"Thank you," said Tiffany, "it all looks lovely."
"Mmmrrmmrrm!" Agnes and Moo both agreed, with their mouths full.
Tiffany let Moo swallow and then managed to slip in a question between bites:
"What can you remember since the last time I saw you, darling?"
"Nothing, miss," said Moo, "just Miss Blodwyn giving me a drink and then waking up here."
"Ah," said Tiffany. Well that confirms what we all assumed anyway, she thought.
"I shouldn't have taken the drink, should I, miss?"
"No, darling," Tiffany agreed, "you shouldn't have."
The thing was, Tiffany thought, Moo had known that there was something wrong with the drink and that she shouldn't have taken it. She'd only done so because Blodwyn had told her to, and she always did as she was told. She was really going to have to work on getting her to kick that habit, for everyone's sake.
There was a knock at the door and Lucy came in on her way from her meeting to the Egitto. Tiffany was pleased to see the little vampire as she knew that had it not been for her then Moo might not be with them. In fact she might not be with them anymore herself. For her part, Lucy was clearly pleased to see Moo awake and eating heartily.
"Hello, Miss Lucy," said Moo, putting down her spoon, "thank you for rescuing me."
"You're most welcome," said Lucy, uncertainly.
She and Tiffany looked at each other, both equally confused.
"Moo, I thought you said you couldn't remember anything," said Tiffany at last.
"Oh, I remember Miss Lucy from my dream; she rescued me from the Dark Man."
Tiffany, Agnes and Shame all felt a prickling run up their backs, and even Lucy appeared to be slightly disconcerted.
"There was a Dark Man in your dream?" Tiffany asked.
"Yes, miss," said Moo, "a very, very bad man and he was coming for me, but Miss Lucy rescued me, and Miss Honeysuckle too."
Tiffany looked quizzically at Lucy, who simply shrugged.
"Well, it's alright now," Tiffany said to Moo, "you're safe here."
"No, miss," Moo corrected her, with a frown, "He's coming; nobody's safe here."
Sally had spent her whole between-shifts break completely steakless. She'd promised Carrot that she'd make sure Angua did as she'd agreed and took the children to the Hall to stay with Sir Samuel and Lady Sybil. Wolfie couldn't wait, as he wanted to see Young Sam, and little Ire seemed excited because, though Lady Sybil would show a ladylike reserve when lavishing her affections on the little girl, the Emmas would be fighting each other bite and scratch to see who got to hold her next.
Sir Samuel had sent a coach, with guards, to pick them up but Angua was continuing to prevaricate.
"Why do I have to say home with 'mummy and daddy' while he goes off to fight?" she wanted to know, petulantly.
"He's Commander of The Watch," Sally replied, "while you're not even a Watchman anymore."
"I'd be better in a fight than him, I'm a werewolf, you know, so why does he get to fight and I don't?"
"He's Commander of The Watch," Sally replied, "while you're not even a Watchman anymore."
"Oh, I know at least one of us has to stay home and look after the children, but why does it always have to be me? Is it just because I'm a girl?"
"I refer you to the answer I gave some moments ago," said Sally, slightly exasperated.
"I hate this Sally, I really hate it. I hate feeling powerless."
"I know," said Sally, sympathetically.
"And I hate these people."
"You don't think they're being controlled?"
"No," said Angua, forcefully, "or, if they are, then they are letting themselves be controlled. They know what they're doing."
"True," Sally agreed with a shrug, "they're scum."
"Ok," laughed Angua, "will you bring me back one of their heads as a souvenir?"
"It would be rude not to," said Sally as she handed baby Ire up to her through the door of the coach, before sending it on its way. She knew that Angua and Sir Samuel would be able to keep each other bad company, as the duke wasn't going to be allowed out to play either.
It was four to one, actually four and half; maybe four and three quarters, because Sacharissa wasn't just wavering but wobbling all over the place.
"But WHY do you have to go!?" demanded young Kniphofia, close to tears.
"Because there are going to be a lot of demonstrations and it's important."
Everyone had heard the rumours: that night the Black Cross was going to be taking to the streets in unprecedented numbers. No one really had any idea how many there would be; only that it would be a lot.
"But why do YOU have to go?" Belladonna wanted to know, clearly speaking for at least almost everyone.
"Because I'm a reporter," said Honeysuckle, "and it's my job."
"But surely Sacharissa will be there," said Belladonna.
"And Selene and Otto will be covering it too," her mother added. In fact Gudrun would be there as well, and she'd probably be in the thickest part of the thick of it. The Guardian would be well represented.
"There are going to be a lot of marches," said Honeysuckle impatiently; she thought she was old enough to be allowed out on her own without having to ask permission.
"But there's only one Egitto," said Susan, "and that's where they'll all be heading."
Sacharissa had thusfar chosen to stay out of what was very much a family argument. Susan clearly felt no such restraint.
"Whose side are you on!?" snapped Honeysuckle.
"She's on yours," said Sacharissa, finally joining in.
Even you, you traitor!? Thought Honeysuckle. She was done for.
"We need you here," said her mother, and her little sisters both nodded vigorously. She only had one more card to play:
"Well, if it's too dangerous for me it must be too dangerous for Sacharissa, so I think she should stay here with us…
Her mother and sisters seemed to agree with this even more strongly –numbers, safety and all that- and by the look on her face Susan seemed amenable to the idea too.
"…I've faced more dangers than her already, after all."
Sacharissa felt that, though this was certainly the case, it was entirely beside the point.
"Now just wait a minute," she blustered, taken completely off-watch, "I work for The Guardian, I have to go."
"But Selene and Otto will already be there," said Honeysuckle, sticking out her tongue, "and so will Gudrun, for that matter, and we'll all be much safer together."
"That is certainly the case," Susan agreed.
"But I have to…" said Sacharissa, sounding like a whiney toddler even to her own ears.
"Might I make a suggestion?" Susan offered. They all looked to her attentively and nodded, except Sacharissa, who had really gone off her.
"There aren't any Omnian shops in this area and there weren't any Omnian residents before anyway, so Mrs. Hoppkins and the girls should be safe as the crowds won't be coming this way. Perhaps Honeysuckle could be based at Morpork Mercy: there are bound to be lots of stories there tonight, but there are also a lot of guards, so it should be safe.4 Meanwhile I shall shadow Sacharissa and make sure she's safe."
The whole Hoppkins family seemed, if not happy with this, then at least amenable to it. Sacharissa was certainly not, though she'd been nodding along right up until the end:
"What!?" she demanded, "you're going to watch me? What do you think I am, five. Oh, no, little Sacharissa can't be allowed out on her own; that nice Miss Sto Helit will follow her around to make sure she doesn't get into any mischief. Who do you think you are, my mother?"
"No, young lady, I don't," said Susan, in her stern but measured schoolmistress voice, "because if I were your mother I would put you over my knee for behaving like a five-year-old.
Actually, Susan didn't believe in corporal punishment under any circumstances, but Sacharissa wasn't to know this and so she lowered her eyes submissively.
"Good, then we should all now get on with our business with no more discussion, is that clear?
The Hoppkins family all nodded obediently, but not Sacharissa.
"Is that clear?" Susan repeated. She had now put on her disapproving face and no one on the right side of sanity wanted to be on the wrong side of that.
"Yes, miss," said Sacharissa, huffily.
She hadn't meant to say "miss"; it had just sort of slipped out. It made Belladonna and Kniphofia giggle and made Sacharissa blush.
"Well, right, let's get on then," said Honeysuckle loudly, in her best Girl Cub Leader's voice, and clapped her hands.
When Susan, Sacharissa and Honeysuckle had left Mrs. Hoppkins had bolted both the front and back doors. Then she and the two girls had got into her bed together and hid under the blankets.
Carrot, Harry and Stronginthearm were in the meeting room at Pseudopolis Yard planning tactics. Anti-Omitism was an almost entirely human phenomenon so it might have been considered strange that it was being dealt with by two dwarfs and a vampire, but sometimes that was just the way things turned out. Anyway, people sometimes mistook Carrot for a human5 and Harry was probably about half human, so they'd have to do.
"One of the problems," said Stronginthearm, "is that there are a lot of entrances to the Egitto, we'll be stretched to cover all of them, and it's bad enough fighting on two fronts, never mind ten."
"Then let's fight them on one front," said Harry.
"And how do you propose we get them to agree to this?" asked Carrot.
"Well," Harry began, "there are going to be at least ten parades tonight all trying to get into the heart of the Egitto, right? And there are ten entrances…"
Carrot and Stronginthearm both nodded.
"…so let's block nine of them. Concentrate our forces on the one that's still open and take them on there."
"A good idea," said Carrot, "but we don't have the numbers: we can block the entrances or we can concentrate our forces, but we can't do both."
"Perhaps we can, sir," said Stronginthearm.
"How?" asked Carrot.
"We could use the Dværg Hæren6…
Carrot and Harry both looked sceptical.
"Bear with me," he went on. "The Watch doesn't want to kill any demonstrators, right?"
They both nodded.
"And the mob knows this, doesn't it?"
Again they indicated their agreement.
"But the dwarfs do want to kill them, they're really quite enthusiastic about it in fact and the thugs probably know this, because their leader, Ham Hammersson said so in his interview in The Guardian."
"These people don't read The Guardian," said Harry.
"Word gets around," said Stronginthearm, "and if you had a choice between getting into the Egitto down an unguarded street or one blocked by murderous dwarfs, which would you choose?"
"But would the dwarfs agree?" asked Carrot.
"If you and I asked them together, sir, yes, I think they would."
"Alright," said Carrot, now turning to Harry, "assuming they agree, which street do we leave open?"
"Well," said Harry, "in narrow streets trained men have no great advantage over untrained thugs, so we need to get them in the open."
"Go on," said Carrot.
"There are only two squares in The Egitto, Dean Court and The Shay; Dean Court is bigger and is at the end of Rodney Parade, which is about the widest street, so I say we go for that."
Carrot thought for a while and then reached his decision:
"Very well," he said, "let's make it so."
It would be wrong to say that Lucy was the last person Patrick expected to bump into in The Egitto; that would have been the Agatean Emperor7, but she was certainly a surprise. They pretended that they didn't know each other or why they were there.
"Fancy meeting you here," he said.
"I might say the same," Lucy replied.
"What are you doing in this rather savoury area, might I ask?"
"I have family here," she said, rolling her eyes, "what about you?"
"The same," he said, arching his eyebrows.
"I won't laugh if you don't," said Lucy. And then they both did.
"Seriously, though, why are you here?"
"It's my boyfriend's family and I'm just checking that they're safe."
"I didn't think vampires had boyfriends," he said; this time raising just one eyebrow.
"Nor did I," she admitted, "it's a surprise to me too. Why are you here?"
"Same reason."
"You have a boyfriend?" she asked, raising an eyebrow of her own.
"Well, yes," he said, "but that's beside the point. It's my girlfriend's family."
"I didn't realise that assassins had girlfriends."
"Is there anyone who doesn't know I'm an assassin?" he laughed. "I really should have paid more attention in Disguise and Anonymity class."
"Relax," said Lucy, with a chuckle of her own, "it's just a girl thing."
"So only half as bad as I thought. What's your boyfriend's name?"
"Smite the Unbeliever With the Wisdom of thy Words. And your young lady's?"
"Blister the Eyes of the Doubters with the Brilliance of thy Faith," he admitted.
"Do you think we should have a word with them about this whole naming babies thing?"
"Well, you might have done, a couple of centuries ago; I think it's a bit late now."
"Oh dear, am I showing my age?"
"Just in the eagle's talons around the eyes," Patrick laughed.
"Oh, dear, what a pity, nevermind. It's been nice talking to you," she said, and meant it, "but I have to make sure that Smite's mum's house is properly boarded-up."
"Have to do the same at the Shivarananom's," he agreed.
"I'll see you tonight then?" she asked.
"Wouldn't miss it for all the salt in the Circle Sea," he confirmed.
"Or all the wine in Genua?" she laughed.
"Oh, no, I'd miss it for that."
Agnes had only slipped down to the kitchens for some more laad akrat for Moo. For some reason the little girl simply loved it, even though, as far as Agnes could tell, it was just lentils. Over the preceding hours she had made her peace with vegetarian food, but lentils were a legume too far. She couldn't have been away for more than ten minutes but when she got back to the room Moo was gone.
"What?!" she'd screamed at Tiffany, dropping the tray she was carrying. "How could you have let them get her again!?"
Nurse Shame's face was paper-white; Tiffany's was the colour of ashes, but she didn't seem to be panicking.
"They didn't take her," she said, calmly, if sadly, "no one took her; she chose to go."
"I don't understand what you're saying!" yelled Agnes, clawing at her hair.
Tiffany grabbed her forearms and stared into her eyes.
"She's gone; it was time. I was talking to her, then I turned around to get her another pillow; she said; 'There's something I have to do, Miss,' and when I turned back she wasn't there."
"It's true," gasped Shame.
"But what does it mean!?" Agnes demanded, hopelessly.
"It means that Moo has gone to do what she has to do," said Tiffany, "and there are things that we need to do too."
Agnes took a very deep breath and straightened her back. Tiffany let go of her arms.
"The time has come then?" she asked.
"The time has come," Tiffany confirmed.
When the two witches vanished Nurse Shame began to scream.
1 In spite of his height of over six feet, no human doubted that Carrot was really a dwarf. Basically because no dwarf did.
2 In addition to constituting the majority of the nursing staff, Omnians now made up a large part of the catering staff too.
3 "thaline, jutht thalty water to wath out her thythtem"
4 This was true; other than in the Egitto, the hospital was the only place there were going to be any Watchmen that night.
5 Though he was 99.9999% dwarf.
6 A dwarf militia allied to, but not under the direct control of The Watch.
7 Or possibly his great-uncle Matilda, who'd been dead for twenty years.