Kuroo should have realized this sooner. Somehow. Anyhow. He has known Bokuto for years, he knew about his mood swings. He knew how easy it is to hurt that big owlish heart of his. He also knew how fast Bokuto could pick himself from the ground, figuratively dust off, and move forward. Loud, energetic and insistent. Acting as if nothing happened. Bokuto was Bokuto. Loud and childish but he was also incredibly strong, right? It was so easy to focus only on what was visible.
Bokuto has always been "too". Too loud. Too insistent. Too energetic. Too fragile. About the last one, you got to know after getting closer to the boy. His tantrums on the court looked funny from the sidelines. However, it was them, that should have ring the alarm in Kuroo's head. They should've worried Kuroo more. Yet, Bokuto always pulled himself together and kept going with renewed vigor after a few minutes. Akaashi knew how to cheer him up, his team knew how to handle him. And so, Kuroo somehow always managed to avoid the topic.
"Nah, dude. It's just a little slump I get into but I always bounce back, just like a ball!" Just once, did Kuroo tried to broach the subject of Bokuto's behavior, but the boy waved the topic aside with a smile and a whack to Kuroo's back with the force to topple over a bison. Kuroo just smiled back and hit right back. After a few punches, they started a hard-fought match and all the worries slipped Kuroo's mind.
In the warm, safe half-light of his room, those same worries didn't as much came back as they run him over with the force of a truck. The murmur of the ongoing life outside his room, only made Kuroo feel as if the reality got distorted, buckled and collapsed on itself. Tetsurou felt as if he missed a step and fell into the maw of a hungry void. His stomach somersaulted, landed perfectly and then decided to run all the way down to his heels and hide.
Bokuto purred, stretched and started tracing little zig-zags on Kuroo's back, who was laying with his ear pressed to Bokuto's chest. The steady thump-thump filled his ear and the warm body, which he was hugging, became his only anchor to anything resembling calm. Kuroo closed his eyes, took a deep breath - the scent of his body wash still clung to Bokuto's skin - and tried to calm his own heart. The erratic rhythm it beat in, awfully clashed with the peaceful air filling his room. The lazy atmosphere, the longed-for breeze coming through the open window, the hum of the city, and Koutarou laying flat underneath Kuroo and taking in it all like a sponge. Nothing even remotely fit Kuroo's internal crisis. How on Earth did he manage to soundlessly lay on Bokuto? He had no clue.
The day had started so beautifully. Bokuto had come to visit Kuroo in order to somehow celebrate their evolving relationship. He had decided to stay a few days, the summer break turned out to be the perfect time to spend together- together in Kuroo's home. Tetsurou had had the feeling his face could split from the wide smile, that seemingly nothing could wipe off, so the butterflies frolicking in his belly could have flown away and filled the whole sky.
At the station, Bokuto had flung himself, with a loud and happy scream, into Kuroo's waiting arms. Tetsurou had tousled the mop of black and white hair, had looked Bokuto up and down feeling all the while ready to about burst from the pure joy. Bokuto had been vibrating all the same and he quickly steered Kuroo towards the city. The had gone for a walk, for some ice cream and they had wanted to go somewhere else but the white heat of the outside world had quickly herded them home, where each of them had taken a quick cool shower after which they had flopped down onto the bed and refused to move, with the exception of a quick trip to the kitchen where Kuroo had decided to make iced coffee.
Even Kuroo's mom, upon whom they had stumbled there, had graciously reduced her usual dose of meddling in and embarrassing Kuroo. She hadn't, however, failed to declare how worried she had been that Kuroo may never find his other half, and that she was delighted to discover how zestful young man Bokuto was. Both boys had hastily retreated, chased by Kuroo's mother's cackling.
Back at the room, the had closed the door, just in case, they had put some movie on and just like that, they had laid there, sipping the coffee, taking in the closeness, and basking in the novelty of their relationship.
"Hun, we are together" Bokuto had declared somewhere in the middle of the movie and with his big eyes had looked at Kuroo with a starstruck expression as if he couldn't believe it. Tetsurou had caught his cheeks, smooshed them together and planted a loud smooch on the pushed out lips.
"Yup, my duck, and it's been a while!" Bokuto had repaid with a kiss of his own, but he had missed and landed it on the corner of Kuroo's mouth. It was how they had started a mini-war on who will kiss whom first and where. In the end, they had flopped back onto the bed, laying even closer, with Kuroo on top of Bokuto's wide chest, which he had deemed pretty comfortable spot, especially after Bokuto had wrapped his arm around him.
The idyll could probably have last longer but at some point, Kuroo had to go to the bathroom and when he came back a sudden urge to just admire Bokuto had struck him. The boy had been sprawled on his bed, clad only in boxer-briefs, because the scorchingly hot summer still encouraged to ditch the concept of clothes, completely immersed in the ongoing movie.
Tetsurou had been floored with the uncontrollable fondness. The sun had slowly started to set, steadily the bright, almost painfully so, colors had started to give away to the mild, warm tones of the evening and Kuroo could not get enough of Koutarou. He wanted to burn the image into his memory, he walked closer, sat on the verge of the bed and for a moment just stared at the boy.
Bokuto was his boyfriend. Kuroo had felt a shiver run down his spine. The thought was still fresh and even if he had teased Bokuto, Kuroo himself still couldn't fully wrap his mind around it. The idea felt somewhat surreal.
That was when he had noticed something on Bokuto's thigh. Marks, barely visible marks which at first he had brushed off as a trick of the light. Tetsurou had been staring at Bokuto's thigh for another few seconds before his mind finally realized what exactly he had been looking at. Some of the marks were slightly raised. All of them were quite short and straight. Lines, on under or next to the other. Thin, some barely visible lines. Kuroo had felt the world around him start tumbling.
"Hey, why are you just sitting and looking like a weirdo?" Bokuto had finally noticed him and he had stretched his arms up in an invitation for Kuroo to claim his previous spot. Huge, golden eyes had seemed to be duller, almost sad. Tetsurou, slightly stunned, had collapsed on top of Bokuto and he pressed his ear into Bokuto's chest.
Thump-tump.
Thump-tump.
Thump-tump.
Didn't Bokuto notice what Kurro was looking at? Why was he silent? Why Bokuto kept laying peacefully on the bed? Why it was him who kept hugging Kuroo, and not the other way round? Why it was Koutarou who was caressing Kuroo's back as if he needed to be comforted?
Tetsurou started to trace small circles on Bokuto's chest with his thumb. After a while, he started slowly moving his hand downward, through Koutarou's belly at what the boy shivered slightly, towards his hip, where Kuroo rested his palm, his thumb picked up the gentle movement again until Kuroo gathered enough courage to move his hand even lower. He rested his palm over Bokuto's thigh. Koutarous tensed under his touch and sharply inhaled, his hand stilled on Tetsurou's back. It felt like the seconds stretched into hours. Kuroo wasn't sure for what he was even waiting but Bokuto after a while started tracing random patterns on his back.
"Bo-" Kuroo didn't know how to start this conversation. Should he even start it? "Bo, are you sad? Do you have any problems, that you cannot deal with?" Kuroo moves the tips of his fingers along the marks on Bokuto's thigh. He stared at the frightening lines because even the idea of looking up, into Bokuto's eyes, suddenly seemed even scarier.
"Right now? I'm the happiest owl on the planet."
Kuroo felt Bokuto raising his head to look at his ministrations. The boy could also feel how the muscles in the thigh were tensing and relaxing under his fingertips.
"I don't really have any problems either, everything somehow resolves itself." Kuroo kept touching the skin, deep in thought. The TV illuminated the room in unsteady, colorful light, the ad that was playing managed to make the situation even more surreal. Everything was too calm, too normal and despite that Kuroo was trying to inquire about his best friend's, his boyfriend's reasons for cutting himself. Has he been doing it recently? Has he felt the need to do so? Kuroo didn't see any fresh marks but who knows?
"And this? Bo, what are those?" Kuroo squeezed slightly his thigh. He knew perfectly well how childish he sounded, but he didn't know how to ask about the lines carved into Bokuto's skin.
Koutarou fell silent, his head sunk back into the pillow but his arm kept on hugging Kuroo.
"I was stupid" Kuroo couldn't stand it and looked up at Bokuto, whose voice sounded unnaturally quiet. Bokuto was not quiet, he was not so lifeless. Bokuto was the personification of energy. Kuroo turned to face Bokuto.
"Bo, don't you dare even thinking like that!" he flew in the face of Koutarou's words but the boy just moved his hand from Kuroo's back to the nape of his neck.
"But no, really. Sometimes there was too much happening at once, sometimes I felt too much and I had no idea what to do with that. People had been always telling me to tone it down a notch. And I sometimes- in the evenings - I didn't know what to do anymore, and one day, I don't even know why, I took a pocket knife, dumped it into boiling water and I started to nick myself. I never cut too deep, just a slightly deep than a scrape, but for a moment it worked. And the came shame because I did that," Bokuto kept staring at the ceiling, his voice started to waver but that awful emptiness still rang clear in it. Kuroo listened to him, almost choking on his emotions - anger, fear, worry, sadness - they all seethed inside him, but Bokuto was still talking as if this one question destroyed a dame behind which he hid his pain. Kuroo ket silent.
"I think it was the shame that finally made me stop. I, myself, never understood why I even started doing it." Bokuto laughed bitterly.
"Koutarou-"
"But now it's all better, y'know? I mean, there are still days when I don't know what to do with myself but at last, I stopped giving a crap what people say, even if my own parents tell me to dial down. If something's bothering me I usually go for a run, nowadays. Especially now, when we are together." Bokuto finally looked at Kuroo. "I wouldn't want you to see any fresh cuts, hun." Bokuto smiled and slightly squeezed Kuroo's nape.
"Bo, you know, you are a total birdbrain?" Kuroo propped himself of his elbows, effectively caging Bokuto.
"Hey!"
"A complete and utter birdbrain! You are not stupid, because you stared to cut yourself but you are a total moron for thinking like that!" Bokuto looked surprised at Kuroo.
"Kuroo-"
"Don't "Kuroo" me now. Don't you ever, you shitbird, even think that you are stupid cuz something overwhelms you. Never! And if it happens, call me and I will talk you out of it!" Bokuto snagged Kuroo by his cheeks when he was inhaling to continue his rant. Tetsurou couldn't carry on, because Bokuto smooched him on the lips.
"Thanks, Kuroo." Koutarou crushed him in a bear hug and tucked his face into the black hair. Kuroo relaxed and let Bokuto hold him as long as he needed.
"Thanks, but can we stop talking about it? I already feel stupid because of my verbal diarrhea" mumbled Bokuto.
"Okay, we can stop for today, but there's one more thing. I'm really happy you told me all that" Kuroo patted his boyfriend's flan. This time, the silence that fell wasn't as unnerving as before.
"But, Kuroo?"
"Yhym?"
"Do you still love me? Even knowing about all that?" Bokuto once again sounded uncertain. Kuroo raised himself on his elbows to be face to face with Koutarou.
"Birdbrain, of course, I love you and nothing can change that." Bokuto's face finally was brightened by a genuine smile.
"Now, we can watch a comedy movie! The stupidest thing you will find!" Kuroo only for a second tried to oppose the idea. They both needed something to completely lift the heavy atmosphere that still lurked in the corners of the room. Kuroo with an unhappy groan raised himself from Bokuto and turned his laptop on to look for something silly and light to watch. Browsing through the internet Kuroo vowed to himself that he will pay more attention to what Bokuto doesn't say. Just in case.
"Kuroo, do we have some popcorn?"
"We will if we go to the store~"
"Ugh."
The fact, how quickly Bokuto got over his confession, made Kuroo's head spin a bit but he decided to just follow his example.