I didn't like this chapter at first, but then it snowballed into something kinda cool.

Disclaimer: I'm too easily tired to own Naruto.

Stupid Shino

Ah… The sun is so warm and lovely this morning… I don't wanna get up. I think I'll just lay here and… wait…

Kiba's eyes fluttered open and promptly shut a second later as the warm, lovely sun blazed viciously into them.

"…You've got to be kidding me. Just because you have the ability to sleep anywhere doesn't mean you should use it."

It was Shino's voice.

"Oh, shut up. I didn't mean to." Kiba sat forward, rubbing his lower back. "I came out here to clear my head yesterday and had a chat with Shikamaru. I guess it mellowed me enough to put me out."

"So are you beginning to see how irrational you're being about all this?"

Kiba stood up and peered at the tiny strip of face that exhibited Shino's eyes, the only bit of him to actually be seen (as far as that goes). "Yeah…" He blinked. "…And it just occurred to me now, but how does everyone outside my family know what's going on, anyway? I didn't question Nara last night, but I'm beginning to think I should have."

No expression presented itself on the few inches of his friend's face that were on display to the world. Kiba tried in vain to see what Shino's eyes were doing behind those stupid sunglasses of his.

After a moment of quiet, the bug boy spoke. "I should think it'd be obvious why I would know, unless of course you forgot that we were supposed to meet for training an hour or so ago."

"Given that I have no surgically implanted alarm clocks on my body, yeah, I forgot."

He knew Shino was giving him that look. He couldn't see it (goddamn it), but he knew.

"I went to your house to meet you, where your sister informed me that you went out yesterday to think things over and didn't come back. I asked what things you were thinking about and she told me."

Another moment of quiet. Then:

"You're being rather irrational."

Kiba snapped a bit. "Oh, shut up. How can you of all people be condescending about matters like this? And I've gotten over the damned irrationality, thank you very little."

"…What do you mean 'me of all people'?"

Kiba scowled fiercely. "I mean that the only real glimpse of you that a girl is gonna get is the inch or so of skin on either side of your glasses. And I guess maybe your nose. But anyway, the point is if you were in my shoes, you'd be having significantly greater problems. Girls don't tend to want to date guys they can't see."

Shino stood there stolidly. "And why not?"

"Well… it could indicate that the guy is a psycho killer or something. Or he may be really ugly. Not that you are, I guess. Psycho or ugly." Kiba scrunched up his face, pulling at memories of the few times he'd actually seen his friend's entire face. "...Yeah, I'll concede that I might bang you if I were a girl, but that's only because I've actually gotten a good look at you. You don't even have personality going for you, man. There is no way a chick would bite if she doesn't know what you look like and if you seem to have no personality to speak of."

"…I'll concede that I'm boring. But you know this very well, and you're still my best friend, so perhaps it doesn't matter as much as you'd think."

Kiba's scowl simmered back down to its original, mildly disgruntled state. "Sure. Right. I'd like to see you pick up a chick before I can. Should we make a bet of it? Since I seem to need to start dating soon, I'm in the market for some easy money."

"…You aren't as adept with women as you think you are. I'm not sure I should be worried."

"Okay, explain to me how you would be able, in reality, to get a girl. I'd love to know."

Shino's monotonous voice took on a teasing tone. "How would you? You talk in the big boy voice, but could you carry through in the face of a real, live female? Could you make a girl stay for more than one night?"

Kiba's hackles rose (metaphorically speaking) in an attempt to defend his manliness. Shino wasn't usually this insistent. "Of course I could. How can you even doubt? But, uh, I just want to know how you would get a girl. I'm honestly curious." And he was. In the unlikely event that Shino could hook a live one, Kiba had no doubt she would be in it for reasons spanning beyond what the dog nin normally relied on to reel in ladies (his dashing looks, his rakish wit, etc. etc.).

Shino turned and began to walk away. "It's all in the voice."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I have a drop-dead sexy baritone, which not only makes girls melt, but might also convey the image of the equally hot body underneath all my layers. Now are we going to train or not?"

Kiba blinked. He hadn't heard Shino say the word 'sexy' once in his entire life, much less in conjunction with 'drop-dead', and very much less when talking about himself. Then he gave what Shino had said a moment's thought.

"…Voices hold that much weight? Hey, wait up! I'm talking to you!"

"I just feel that you require a bit of counseling, given your ineptitude at drawing the fairer sex." Shino sat calmly on the bench, as if leisurely drinking in the chaos of the market around them. Despite the waning sunlight, it was still as busy as ever.

Kiba glared at him, had been glaring at him for a few hours now. Never before had Shino been so openly critical of the dog ninja as he had that day. All through their training, their breaks… the Aburame must have thought himself some kind of love guru for all the crap he was giving Kiba.

"I don't see why you have to be such an ass about this. I mean, I may not be the sexiest thing on two to four legs, but it's not like I'm hideous. Have a little faith, man."

Shino's head rotated his direction. "Do you ever pay attention to anything anyone is saying, much less retain what they tell you? I never said anything about your looks, Kiba. I'm talking about your inability to interact with females for longer than it takes to have sex with them, as we were discussing earlier." There was a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

"Oh, I'm sorry, sensei. I didn't realize you were dropping pearls for the swine this morning. In future, I'll pay better attention to the wisdom seeping from your mouth."

Shino just stared at him. Kiba returned the favor. Then the bug boy cleared his throat.

"Friends help friends. And you, my friend, need some help. You're not just looking for a good time anymore, remember?"

"Don't see why I can't still have a few good times before I sign my perpetual bachelorhood away…"

Shino didn't comment on Kiba's pigheadedness. He was busy watching a tall and curvy blonde strolling towards them. Kiba sat back, taking her in appreciatively, as one would a vintage wine or a very expensive painting. He could feel a goofy grin spreading across his face.

This was his girl.

She was completely his type! Her curves were dangerous, just the way Kiba liked them, and he could tell by the way she walked that she knew how to have fun. Her eyes sparked with mischief. Her hair bounced back and forth in its high ponytail, uninhibited and playful, and he knew that's how she was when she was in her element. He just knew.

"Hey boys!"

Ouch. Her voice could use some work. He considered how to fix it, tuning out whatever she was talking about. Maybe all it needed was to take a few lessons from her soft, swaying hips and sloooooooow down to a seductive lilt, throw in a low purr or two, and-

"KIBA! Pay attention!" The girl was staring at him exasperatedly. Wait, how did she know his name?

After a few more moments of watching his blank eyes, the girl threw up her hands. "Ugh, whatever. You're so ADD. Make sure he gets the details, okay?"

She directed this at Shino, who sat like a lump, not even so much as nodding in her direction. This was apparently an acceptable response, however, as she proceeded on her way.

Kiba watched her walk off before tearing into Shino. "Now that chick had it going on, so much so that I'm a bit confused as to why you weren't making a move. Where's Mr. Talkative now, huh? He go off and hide once that real live woman decided to show up?" The dog nin shook his head in wonder, completely forgetting his own silence. "I mean, did you notice how spectacular her rack was? And how nicely balanced it was with her bottom half which, I gotta add, looked delicious, and-"

Shino stared at him. "What are you talking about, Kiba? That was Ino. Why would I make moves on her?"

Kiba's jaw dropped. "Th-that was Ino? Seriously?" He took a moment to soak in the shock.

Shino nodded. "Chouji would be devastated if he knew you were into his girlfriend. I would avoid such fantasies at his party which, by the way, is 'in a week, be there or be square, but whatever you choose to be, be quiet because it's a surprise'."

"…Whassat?"

Shino sighed. "The nonsense Ino was spouting when you were in Lala Land."

"I still can't believe that was Ino. I didn't recognize her at all when she was walking over here."

"Yes. And this is what I mean when I say you have problems paying attention. It isn't just a local issue."

Kiba kneaded his face harshly, groaning.

"Hey, are you okay?"

A soft voice, close by. Kiba removed his hands rapidly, opening his eyes to the welcome sight of a girl he definitely didn't know. A pretty girl. She was watching him with concern written all over her face. Perfect. This seemed like a good enough place for him to start.

"I wouldn't worry much. Idiocy is a sickness, but not one that is quickly fixed. In his case, it may just be terminally hopeless anyway."

Kiba bit back a growl, straining his eyes over at his so-called best friend.

The bug ninja had smoothly intervened in a potentially perfect situation. Right before his eyes, Kiba watched his normally taciturn friend strike up a friendly conversation with this random girl. He continued to watch as Shino worked some sort of magic that made the girl laugh whenever he said something remotely funny, and even sometimes when he was completely serious. Kiba finished his watching session with a nice shot of Shino and the girl walking off to get a coffee.

Then he noticed that he was alone on the bench, and cursed loudly. He'd been duped.

It was then that reality had a brief seizure, resulting in his cursing drawing a random group of girls (a gaggle, if you will) to him like flies to honey. One moment he was all by himself and feeling like an idiot (surprisingly unnatural for him); the next, he was the main attraction for six bubbly babes.

The first one to speak was a pixie-like brunette. "Omigod, is everything okay? Because you totally don't look like everything is okay."

A taller brunette spoke up next. "Didn't you see? His friend just ran off with his girl right in front of him. Of course he isn't okay."

The first girl looked from her friend back to him in shock. "Omigod, really? Omigod, I'm so sorry! Do you need a hug?"

A blonde popped up between them from the back of the horde. "No, silly! What he needs is a night on the town! And hey, we're going to a club right now! You should totally come with us!"

A chorus of agreement followed the blonde's brilliant idea, and Kiba unwittingly agreed. He was still too surprised at this sudden turn of events to fully take in these girls, and here was his mistake.

If he'd been in his right mind, he might've politely declined and gone on home, saving himself a few big headaches, but I guess it's lucky for you readers that he didn't. Otherwise, this story's plot would never have shown up.

"…so I just told that no-good butthole to get out of my life and that I never wanted to see him again! And he never came back! And I said, 'Good riddance, if I ever see your cheating butt again, I'm going to have my new boyfriend kick it!', but it's really pretty lucky he hasn't come back, because I haven't got a new boyfriend yet!"

The second brunette hadn't been drinking anything but virgin daiquiris all night. This wouldn't have been a problem for Kiba if she hadn't been the type to absorb all the sugar in the damned drink immediately and then proceed to vent the excess energy through her vocal chords.

"So anyway, do you have a girlfriend? If you don't, I'm totally going to ask you out!" She was eyeing him in a way indicating that her question was a poorly disguised and poorly formulated attempt at playful flirting. Kiba, in his alcohol-glazed haze, saw it as more of a direct threat. He knocked back another shot (he'd lost count, not that it mattered; no amount of liquor was enough to drown out that woman) and looked around the bar, pretending he didn't hear. The first brunette was dancing drunkenly between the one blonde and a blue-haired chick nearly twice her size; this was a stroke of good fortune on his side, given that they had shown themselves to be even more thinking-impaired than the chick he was talking to now.

"Hey! Did you hear me? Do you have a girlfriend?" It was the second brunette again. Kiba stared blearily at her.

"Yes actually I do. She's waiting at home for me, I should probably go." It was a wonder he wasn't slurring. Perhaps the girl's stupidity was so intense that it was sucking away the fun buzz alcohol was supposed to give, robbing him of the happier debilitating effects he so wished to be feeling at that moment.

"But wasn't that your girlfriend earlier?"

Kiba's answer was deferred to the first brunette, who was suddenly at the second brunette's side. "That guy stole her, remember? The one earlier?" She giggled and threw her arms around his shoulders. "Hey, why don'tcha stay around with us, stud!"

Kiba stood up, breaking her hold, and turned towards the exit. "Yeah, but I'm sure she's at home waiting for me to show up so she can apologize and what the hell do you want?"

The blonde was at his elbow, bubbling over with one of the less harmful liquors the bar stocked. "Don't leave us! I didn't get a chance to talk with you yet! You're SUCH a hottie, I can't just let you walk. Sasha over there has a bad track record, so you wouldn't want to date her, but I'm a perfect girlfriend! I only ever dump my boyfriends, and they never dump me! Let's talk for a while!"

Kiba pried her fingers from his arm as gently as he could and continued to escape. Miraculously, he made it out the door, but it wasn't a clean getaway. The blonde had gone back and grabbed the second brunette, so now he had two girls on his tail, one champagne-tipsy and one riding a sugar high.

"Don't run away! We'd be soooooooo much better for you than that girl today! Talk with us some more!"

"Yeah, we'd really like to get to know you! You're really sexy! And be honest with yourself, aren't we hot too? This would be a great way to get back at your loser girlfriend!"

"No," Kiba mumbled, not even sure they could hear him, "I love her very much and wouldn't leave her for the world or you and I'm just going home to fix everything now."

He realized belatedly that he didn't want these girls to know where he lived. His eyes shifted left, finding (what luck!) an apartment building. And not just any apartment building- an apartment building with buzzers!

Even as off-kilter as he was, Kiba's mind registered that buzzers were a very good thing. He strode over and groggily punched a button.

Of course, with his mind lagging three or so steps behind his actions, it occurred to him too late that the unknown person he was bothering might not even wake up to get the door. Therein lay another problem: he didn't know who would be answering the door.

If it was a man, he was fucked. But then again, he was pretty fucked as it was, by alcohol and poor choices in strangers to bar-hop with, so perhaps he could pass his awkwardness off as drunkenness.

It isn't like these girls are smart enough to figure out that I don't really live here.

When the speaker crackled, however, he was in luck once more; the voice coming through the wires was female. It was also a relatively youthful voice, if you overlooked the underlying grouchiness.

"Yeah, what do you want? Make it quick, I'm losing beauty sleep up here."

Kiba cleared his throat, hoping this girl had some male affiliation that might conceivably show up at a time like this.

"Uh, it's me. Lemme up, um, honey. I forgot my key."

The line was silent for a minute. Then: "Who is this?"

Kiba held back a sigh, taking a quick gamble. "It's the head of ANBU, you're under arrest… No, it's me, Kiba, um… dollface?"

The line was silent again for a while. Then, with a frustrated huff on the other end, it went dead. The girls waiting in the street were getting louder with their pleas, and Kiba was about to just start running in a random direction when the door buzzed . It was the most welcome sound in the world. He got it open just in time.

"Sorry girls. Gotta go have lots of makeup sex and stuff. See you never or something."

He shut the door on their whining, and fell back against the cool wood in relief, blinking fuzzily in the dimness.

He was wondering why there were no lights, and came very close to voicing this thought. It came out as "Sex sex sex ha. Sex is a weird word. Word is a weird word. Girls are weird."

The next step was his knees hitting the carpeted floor, followed by the rest of his body. And then he was out.