Chapter 136
Oswald covers Mrs. Cobblepot's eyes, as he counts down, "One...two...three."
On three, he removes his hands, and backs away, leaving his mother to take in the sight of Fish Mooney's.
"Oh…" she gasps.
The band is just setting up onstage, and Gabe grabs a bottle of champagne from a serving tray, a layered chocolate cake sitting at the center table.
Backstage, Ann and I prepare the other girls.
"Alright, so Fish Mooney is out. We've got a new boss running things around here, and we want to impress him if any of us plan on sticking around," Ann tells everyone, an air of authority about her.
It's been awhile since I've been onstage at Fish Mooney's. Fish had dismissed me from my dancing position when I became Liza's look-out...but I guess now that's over.
"What do you think, Mother?" Oswald asks from outside, although we can hear them from backstage.
"Oh, it's beautiful...so classy...like an opera house," her revelry is contained in hushed whispers, but as I peek out from behind the curtain, I spot Oswald smiling at her.
Gabe pops open the champagne, startling Mrs. Cobblepot. But she laughs it off, and Gabe gives her a grin.
Mrs. Cobblepot returns to admiring the club, spotting something up high, "Oh, a chandelier...like home!"
Oswald chuckles, but I lower my eyebrows. What is she talking about? There aren't any chandeliers in the Cobblepot apartment. But then I remember what Marsha, Queen of Diamonds said about Oswald's family, and it starts to make a little more sense.
Unwittingly, Mrs. Cobblepot spots Liza's scarf that Don Falcone had left behind, "Huh!"
She picks it up and wraps it around herself, "Someone left...a scarf!"
As she twirls with it, Oswald's smile disappears, if only for a moment. Huh…
"It looks beautiful with my dress," Mrs. Cobblepot goes on, not noticing her son's change in expression.
He brushes it off, "...finder's keepers."
"And now...you are in charge of this club," she announces.
This time, Oswald's smile disappears for good, as he turns around and slams his hands onto his slacks, "Spoiled my surprise."
"No, no, no," his mother pleads, "oh, no, no, no, no don't be angry, no!"
Taking him by the arm, he turns him around, "Such good news...my boy has a club."
Oswald grins, "Will have a club. There's still a few loose ends to tie up but...soon it will be mine."
As he laughs maniacally, Mrs. Cobblepot tells him, "I am so proud of you...I could spit."
She cups her hands into his cheeks, and they both share the same maniacal laugh, as Oswald clasps his hands on top of hers.
When their session of somewhat sinister laughter is over, Oswald turns himself to the stage, "Mother, I have something more for you. A special performance from the club's dancers. Ladies!"
He snaps his fingers and me, Ann, and the other girls walk out in revealing bright purple metal corsets and miniskirts, sporting matching thigh-high boots and gray gauntlets.
"Mother, I present to you...Trixie and the Starfires!"
The band starts a snappy jazz intro, as we all sway in a single line.
"Grab a cab and go down, to where the band is playing. Where milk and honey flow down, where everyone is saying blow...that sweet and lowdown."
Some of the girls walk and sit down on the edge of the stage, swinging their legs in unison, "Busy as a beaver, you'll dance until you totter. You're sure to get the fever, for nothing could be hotter oh...that sweet and lowdown!"
The sitting girls look up as I step forward and go into a solo, "There's a cabaret in this city, I can recommend to you. Peps you up like electricity, when the band is blowing blue. They play nothing classic, oh no down there...they crave nothing else, but the low down there."
I try to keep my calm as I spot Mrs. Cobblepot's expression of pure horror. Oswald tries to comfort her, getting her a chair.
"It's just a song and dance, Mother," he assures her.
The song starts to speed up as the girls take out magician's canes and stick out their posteriors as they sway to the beat.
"If you need a tonic...and the need is chronic...if you're in a crisis...my...ad...vice...is…"
The girls on the sides kick up their legs and step forward as they echo the chorus behind me, "Grab a cab and go down-"
"Grab a cab and go down…"
"To where the band is playing-"
"Where the band is playing…"
"Where milk and honey flow down...and everyone is saying blow! ...that sweet and lowdown."
"Busy as a beaver-"
"Busy as a beaver…"
"You'll dance until you totter-"
"Dance until you totter…"
"You're sure to get the fever, for nothing could be hotter oh! ...that sweet and lowdown."
The girls rotate their shoulders, throwing seductive glances as they scrap their legs along the stage, "Philosopher, deacon, you simply have to weaken...hear those shuffling feet! You can't keep your seat!"
"Professor?" I ask.
"Yes?" the chorus girls respond.
I tap along with the piano, "Start your beat!"
The song goes into a full dance break, with all the girls marching in a circle onstage, lifting their legs up as high as they can. The circle separates into a single-file line as Ann and another girl do a cartwheel side-by-side. Another girl is lifted up, and passed along the line by the other girls. The single-file line then separates into two vertical lines and going down the lines, the girls twirl with each other. When I twirl in the back of the line, my partner lifts me up, and on my back, the girls pass me to the front of the stage. Meanwhile, two other girls are being hoisted up, one on each side. Once I'm in the front, two girls in front hang me by my feet, and, completely upside down, I sing the final chorus.
"Come along, get in it!" I'm hoisted right-side up and I backwards tumble to the ground, "Love the syncopation! The minute they begin it, you're shouting to the nation blow!"
I sway, bending my knees and twisting with every note, "That sweet and lowdown!"
"Low, low down!" the chorus girls respond.
"As in lowdown!"
"Low, low down!"
I reach the bottom of my range as I prepare for the finishing note, "Low, low, low, low, low, low, lowdown...lowdown!"
I belt the last note as the girls hit their final pose. The band builds to a crescendo, and the song ends.
Mrs. Cobblepot jumps out of her seat, "Scantily clad girls, prancing around onstage to plinky, planky, showtunes! Oswald...you can't let this happen at your club...can you?"
Looking for an excuse, Oswald takes her hands, "Mother, this is the set the last owner was using. Of course there will be changes."
Mrs. Cobblepot smiles, "May I...make a suggestion?"
"Of course, Mother."
She swivels around dramatically, pointing a finger directly at me, "Away with the music of Broadway! Be off with your Irving Berlin!"
The band starts playing to accommodate her singing, as she marches up onstage, "Oh, I'd give no quarter to Kern or Cole Porter. And Gershwin keeps pounding on tin!"
The other showgirls start clearing away, leaving me alone to face Mrs. Cobblepot, "How can I be civil, when hearing this drivel? It's only for nightclubbing souses!"
She directs the band, and they slow their song, "Oh give, me the free and easy waltz, that is Viennesey...and...go tell the band, if they want a hand, the waltz must be Strauss's! Ya...ya...ya...give me oom-pah-pah!"
Mrs. Cobblepot puts her hands up as if she has a dance partner, and begins waltzing onstage, "When I want a...melody, lilting through the house, then I want a melody, by Strauss! Hehe!"
"It laughs, it sings, the world is in rhyme...swinging to three quarter time," she grabs me by both arms and forcefully swings me around, nearly flinging me off of the stage.
"Let the Danube...flow along, and the Fledermaus. Keep the wine and give me song by Strauss! By jo! By jing! By Strauss is the thing...so I say to 'ha-cha-cha', heruas! Just give me an oom-pah-pah...by Strauss!"
I cross my arms, "Yeah? Well, I got a better idea."
I start doing the dance from our number, and the band starts playing the original tune, "Grab a cab and go down, to where the band is playing. Where milk and honey flow down, where everyone is saying blow-"
Mrs. Cobblepot intercuts me, "By jo! By jing!"
"That sweet and lowdown!"
"By Strauss is the thing!"
I start doing the dance around her, "Come along, get in it, you'll love the syncopation. The minute they begin it, you're shouting to the nation blo-"
"No!" my belt is interrupted by her operatic high note, "How can I be civil, when hearing this drivel?! It's only for nightclubbing souses!"
"Souses?" Gabe asks from the audience.
"Oh give...me the free and easy waltz, that is Viennesey…"
Mrs. Cobblepot pushes me away from center stage as she starts to sing, getting higher with each note, "Ha, ha, ha...ha, ha, ha, ha!"
I interrupt her with a jaunty tap bit.
"Ha, ha ha...ah, ha, ha!"
Another tap bit.
"Ha...ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
I take one of the magician's canes and, "Ha, cha, cha, cha!"
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"Ha, cha, cha, cha!"
She blasts a terrific high note, coming down with more, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-"
I mock her with a deep-throated, "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho-"
Mrs. Cobblepot responds by imitating my nasal belt, "Ha, ha, ha, ha…"
"When I want a…"
"My ad...vice...is…"
"Melody…"
"Grab a cab and go, where the band is playing"
"Lilting through the house..."
"Milk and honey flow down"
"Then I want a melody..."
"Ev'ry is saying blow!"
"By Strauss!"
"That sweet and lowdown! Lowdown!"
"It laughs!"
"Ha!"
"It sings!"
"Pipe down!"
"The world is in rhyme!"
"Oh, brother…"
"Swinging to three quarter-"
"Four quarter!"
"Swinging to three quarter ti-"
"Four quarter!"
"Three quarter!"
"Four quarter!"
"Three quarter!"
"Four quarter!"
"Swinging to three quarter time!"
"...four quarter time!"
"By jo!"
"By jo!"
"By jing!"
"By jing!"
"By Strauss is the thing!"
"Zing!"
"So I say to 'ha, cha, cha'-"
"Ha, cha, cha, cha?"
"Heruas!"
"Ha, cha, cha, cha!"
"Just give me an omm-pah-pah…"
"Go on and blow…"
"By Strauss!"
"That sweet and lowdown! Lowdown!"
"By Strauss!"
"Lowdown! Lowdown!"
"By Strauss!"
"Lowdown! Lowdown!"
"By Strauss!"
"Grab a cab and go, where the band is playing milk and honey flow, where ev'ry is saying"
"Ah!"
Author's Note: I know I don't advocate for using a lyric format when using songs, but by the point in the song where the song goes into lyric format, it's basically a shouting match anyway
Song Natalie sings with Fish Mooney girls: "Sweet and Lowdown" from "Nice Work If You Can Get It"
Song During Mrs. Cobblepot and Natalie's Onstage Fight: "By Strauss/Sweet and Lowdown - Reprise" from "Nice Work If You Can Get It"
Thanks! :)