ALL BETTER NOW, SO THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT? LOVELY WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.

Insert witty denial of ownership here.

A Regular Idiot

Sakura slid through the ICU doors exactly five minutes after they had called– a new record.

"What and which room?" This was directed at a hassled nurse who happened to be hauling a bunch of bloody sheets somewhere just as Sakura arrived. The woman pointed, intoning "I don't know but it's a gusher", and resumed her task.

Rushing into the indicated room (hardly indicated by the nurse, more so by the flurry of other medical personnel who were doing a poor job of handling such an emergency), Sakura took over.

"I need gloves and some scrubs stat please, and can someone please tell me why no one is bothering to try and staunch the bleeding?" She halfway concentrated on not slipping on the slick floor as she approached the patient, eyes trying to make sense of what was in front of them. The man's torso looked like someone had removed it, stuck it in a food processor, then sewed him back together poorly. He was bleeding from numerous locations, some wounds spurting as he twitched involuntarily. She reached the bed and immediately stuck her fingers in him.

In, because there wasn't enough outer surface to put her fingers on... Her mind ignored this unnecessary information in favor of working through reasons for the twitching. He had lost so much blood already that he ought to be completely immobile, and his head appeared to be in okay condition, negating the possibility of brain damage causing the tics. Something else… Poison perhaps? And what the hell was wrong with everyone?

Have any of these attendants actually learned basic first aid? What the hell are they doing on this floor, other than not helping?

She was too busy to notice a certain scruffy-headed dog-boy peeking through the doorway, but she was one of few. One of the wide-eyed nurses spotted him and decided it was more productive to go tell him off than to try and help a dying man.

"You can't be in here! What do you want?"

Kiba didn't pay her any attention, walking right past to the bed, grabbing some gauze, and shoving it into the more gruesome wounds surrounding Sakura's work area (like the nurse should have been doing). His assistance provided the small edge necessary for Sakura to slow the man's heart rate, which allowed for more fixing and less mucking about in blood-flooded organs. The pink-haired medic understandably didn't notice who had been helping her until after she had managed to fully close the wounds and was hooking the patient up to a blood transfusion. She was just making a note of the man's more suspicious symptoms on his chart when she noticed Kiba taking his turn scrubbing out at the sink.

Kiba had expected something a little different than the response he got, which was exactly the same as the one he'd gotten from the stupid nurse. Sakura seemed genuinely angry with him. Her green eyes burned in a way he hadn't thought possible. After all, green had always seemed to be such a mellow color.

"What. The hell. Was THAT."

"That was called helping," Kiba said, "a concept wholly foreign to the rest of the staff here, far as I can tell. You really ought to look into that." He stretched briefly. "Seriously, it's just not professional."

"YOU aren't professional! You don't work here, you aren't trained in any medical arts, and you had no reason to follow me to work in the first place!" Sakura looked like she was going to pull her own hair out and then all of his, she was so mad. Kiba backpedaled, but only a little.

"Hey, don't be jumping all over me! I was just doing what needed to be done because no one else was! The guy could have died, for fuck's sake. Don't need medical training to know that we only have so much blood and that it's bad to have more of it outside than in."

Sakura shook her head violently. "That isn't the point! You have no right to h-" She seemed to rethink her statement, face hardening. "You know what, I don't even care anymore. Just get out of here. Go home and take care of your sick sister. You can commiserate over the toilet bowl together."

Kiba had composure enough to run a lazy hand through his hair, appropriating a look of concern. "Is she still sick? That isn't good news at all. And my stomach is completely settled now, for the record."

"Great. I don't care. Go away, I have business to attend to."

And away she marched. Kiba sighed. It wasn't his style to leave a fight unfinished, but he would be murdered if he followed her right now. So he made a mental To Do note and turned to go, soundly body-checking a small blur in the process.

"Oh God! I'm sorry. I really am in the way, I guess. Really, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" He helped the blur to her feet, this blur being a candy striper by the name of Hiroko (or so said her name tag).

She blushed, giggling nervously. "I'm fine, thank you. And I'm sorry too. I should have been watching where I was going. Hey, um," she looked up at him meekly, eyes taking on an odd shine, "it's none of my business, but… would you by any chance be Sakura-sempai's boyfriend?"

That JACKASS, what the fuck was he thinking? That kind of behavior would get him a slap on the wrist if he were caught, but I would probably get suspended from duty! Thank sweet heaven the newbies were all too freaked out to pay much attention… Though why there were so many of them around in place of useful medical staff, I have no idea.

Sakura forced herself to breathe deeply, making a herculean effort to push her anger aside; there was a time and a place, and healing numerous kunai wounds with endless possibilities of poisons on their tips was neither. She hadn't killed the dog ninja yet, therefore he would still be there later for her to kill. Good deal.

"All right, what's the overall situation with this team? And someone get me a list of what poisons are prevalent in the area they were caught, the first one had some suspicious reactions…"

The medic was on duty.

"Bwuh?"

Kiba stared at the diminutive girl, who stared back, eyes narrowing at his lack of response.

"It's a simple enough question. Either you are or you aren't." This so-called Hiroko person put her hands on her hips, watching him in a rather unsettling way, shyness evaporating like the despicable act it must have been as her eyebrows set just so above her eyes.

"Uh…"

"I'm going to take that to mean that you aren't. Honestly, is it so hard to say? Shouldn't be that difficult to get out, even from a slack sort of jaw like yours." She put a finger to her chin, studying him in the way of a disapproving mother-in-law. Kiba wasn't quite sure what he ought to do. What was with the sudden assumption, nay, accusation that he and Sakura were dating? The girl's sudden change in attitude was making him antsy. If he left, would she recognize it as a strategic retreat? Would she follow him?

The appearance of her face rather too close to his own effectively startled all illogical thoughts from his head, that is to say, all thoughts. His headache, almost gone, chose now to come back with a vengeance. Her eyes bright with excitement, Hiroko murmured, "And from that slack jaw, I'm guessing my little question caught you rather off your guard, probably also putting some questions about sempai into that head of yours which is probably still spinning a little from that tiff you just had. And this can only mean that you are unconsciously attracted to her, as she didn't verbally slap you so much as lightly tap you on the head with a few of the gentler words one might use in such a situation. So it really shouldn't be bothering you as much as it is. You like her, don't you?"

The girl leaned back very slightly, looking rather smug.

Kiba scowled, feeling a pressing need to puncture that self-satisfaction by pointing out that his head had been perfectly fine until she assaulted it with her own verbal hurricane of nonsense, and how maybe she shouldn't go around getting all psychoanalytical in people's faces if her own mug was breaking out (because it was. Spots all over her nose, badly hidden with that liquid skin stuff ladies were so fond of slathering on).

Can't see why they bother. It almost seems to make the imperfections more obvious... Unless they're really good with make-up, I guess. But since she isn't, she would do a better job hiding them if she just kept her big nose where it belongs, which is out of my business... Oh, I guess that's being a bit unfair, her nose isn't that big, it's jus-

Kiba halted his inner monologue upon realizing that she was still staring at him. Her smirk was incredibly annoying. He tried to act dignified as he shoved his hands in his back pockets and started walking away. "If you're gonna try and trick somebody into giving you juicy details, you should get your story straighter. Be more careful with the connections that don't actually, you know, connect."

She followed him, sounding a bit put out. "What do you mean 'that don't connect'?"

Damn it. Why were his instincts only right about annoying things? He turned back. "All she did was yell at me. I didn't deserve it at all, but she's tired today, so it makes sense that she would have a short fuse. I mean, it's never very long, but... oh, that's not the point. Actually, I don't think there was a point. You have an overactive imagination. Also, aren't you getting paid to do something useful around here or something? Maybe you should go do that."

She flapped a hand at him. "Psh. You're just saying that because I struck a nerve. Admit it!"

Kiba looked at her, increasingly peeved. "Look, you're dressed like you work here, I'll give you that, but I think I'll stick with my policy of disregarding anything anyone tells me unless they have initials in their job title, like M.D. or whatever else. Especially since you just don't know what you're on about."

She wasn't daunted. "I didn't mean anything by my observation. I just like making sure Sakura-sempai doesn't have more trouble than can she handle in her life. I'm sorry my directness offends you. It's just how I am. Sempai says it's a good quality for a young person to have."

Kiba cocked his head to one side. "How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

Kiba gave the girl a hard look, and decided she just wasn't worth it. Sakura did exude maturity spanning beyond her twenty-one years, but having only their personal interactions to examine, he had no real proof that she was levelheaded enough to justify a (misguided) comment like that. And please, like he was any basis for comparison…

"Well, I guess if you haven't been fired by now, she likes you all right. Anyway, buzz off. I'm leaving."

"So you don't deny hav—"

"Seriously, we're just friends. We haven't dated, we aren't dating, and, in all likelihood, we won't date."

"I was talking about having feelings, not dating. Sakura-sempai doesn't have time for dating, especially not with idiots like you."

Kiba's mouth opened slowly as he ran her comment through his brain. True enough that Sakura had little to no personal time, not that she'd be all that hard-pressed to keep a man if she got one... Kiba stood by his earlier thoughts; Sakura was a quality lady, and only a complete idiot would ditch her just because she had a demanding job. Regular idiots like him would do well to horn in on that action while the getting was still good. Gorgeous, smart, a doctor... there was no losing, as long as one overlooked the part where she was fucking scary, and Kiba was learning that this was easy enough to do. He was living proof in that he was still living. But who knew, one of his numbskull brethren might get their brain in gear any minute now and follow through on this hidden and slightly treacherous path...

Heaven forbid.

Kiba reined in his wandering mind, realizing that he was not helping his case against stupidity all that much. His mouth was hanging fully open by now, and Hiroko seemed to be examining his slightly feral teeth. He snapped his jaws shut, yanking her attention back to the rest of his face.

"...Well, that's just your opinion. And it's dumb for numerous reasons, primarily because there are no feelings except for those of friendship and the extreme gratitude that comes from a death pardon."

The young girl opened her infuriating mouth once more, likely to blather on again about all these feelings he supposedly had. He zoned out for a few moments.

"Hey, what's with the worried look? Are you afraid I'm going to tell her and then she'll kill you? Because I won't. Then she won't. You just tell her when the time is right, okay? But I should get back to work. It was great talking to you! Really... illuminating. I guess I'll be seeing you around, huh?" With a wink, she scampered back down the hall. She turned the corner before Kiba could even open his mouth. But he did anyway.

"What am I telling her? There's nothing to tell!"

Why do I end up yelling after people so often? Miserable brat. More believable as a patient than an employee. Absolutely bonkers. In any event, she was gone. Kiba grumbled under his breath and would have been leaving the hospital to head over to Sakura's again (for his laundry, you understand) had he not noticed a familiar-looking girl leaning against the wall by the doors.

Kiba stared. "Um… didn't you just go running off in the other direction?"

When the girl looked him full in the face, however, he could see that he was mistaken. This version of that annoyance was older, late twenties or early thirties. Her unsettling eyes were scanning him from head to toe, and she seemed to like what she saw.

Kiba, however, did not. He'd never been much for older women, and while this one was still a cub, she was obviously a full-on cougar in the making.

"Only crazy women would turn away from such a fine specimen of manhood as yourself."

Kiba's stare turned into a full-on gape. A double take would not have been uncalled-for. "Excuse me? Are you… serious? Who the fuck are you?"

His little outburst seemed to do nothing but amuse and entice. The woman's mouth turned up just a little more, hooded eyes never stopping their continual checkout.

"OH, wait, I get it. This is a joke, isn't it? Are there hidden cameras somewhere or something?" There was the rare chance of that, yes, but Kiba's stupidly hopeful smile faded as the woman shook her head, slow and dangerous.

Kiba realized this is how the girls he chased must feel when he looked at them. But he only seriously eye-groped the ones who seemed to welcome such behavior. This lady wasn't obeying the rules at all. He was so not in the mood for any more bullshit. His head hurt. And weren't cougars only supposed to hunt at night?

After a minute of complete discomfort, Kiba realized he should just go outside, where freedom awaited the fleet of foot. Evasion tactics are go.

"…Wow. A, uh, beautiful stranger says something like that and, and it doesn't even phase me." Kiba tried to rearrange his expression into one of sudden understanding, though his pounding head was making it difficult to determine whether or not he was successful. "Maybe Hiroko was onto something. Maybe I do have feelings for Sakura. I mean, before this, hell, I would have jumped at the chance to take a lovely lady such as you to dinner, a marvelous dinner that would certainly end in a night of unparalleled pleasure, but now…" and here, his mind, which wasn't even on track to begin with, completely forgot any words that would safely defuse the situation and allow for a semi-graceful escape, "now, I feel nothing but… but... FEELINGS FOR SAKURA."

There went the act (because he had definitely had it in the bag up to that point), though it wasn't completely his fault; what did this overbearing woman intend to accomplish by coming up and grabbing his shirt like that? As if that would change the mind of a man in love… Kiba assumed. With a stifled cry, he tore himself away and fairly threw himself out the double doors, trying to look desperate and lovelorn instead of out of his mind with an interesting combination of pain and heebie jeebies. But he didn't get very far. The woman had better reflexes than he'd anticipated, and now she had him by the back of his shirt collar, expression triumphant. "Like I believe that. Aside from your terrible acting skills, I heard you talking with my sister in there. But I agree to dinner and... all that follows."

Kiba spun to face her, breaking her grip and letting loose a cry of "SAKURA! SHE WILL BE MINE!", before having the presence of mind to simply run away as he should have done from the get-go. Hopefully she would stay where she was this time and let him escape. Hopefully she lived in another village and was just visiting, so he would never have to deal with her again. And maybe Sakura would be too tired to do anything but agree to his stupid plan when he told her about it.

In an operating room upstairs, Sakura sneezed delicately into her sleeve and hoped she hadn't caught something.