Chapter 8: Are you Challenging me?

P O V: Matt Casey

"What are you doing dumbass? Your drunk! You shouldn't be behind the wheel!" Gabby's voice shouts inside my head. She's right of course, she's not even here and she's still voicing her opinion on how I live my life. How she manages to do it without even being here is beyond me.

I'm dizzy the roads swerved more than once, lights have blurred mixing with street signs. "Your going to hurt someone! Pull over!"

"Son I'm going to give you a piece of life advice one that will serve you well in your future." My dad's voice is now mixing with my wife's. A memory of the two of us when I was eight springs to my mind. We were in front of the grill end of the school year BBQ a Casey tradition. "yes sir' I'm listening." "when you settle down and get married. Always listen to your wife even when she's wrong. She's right."

Pulling over I stumble to the opening of what I can't tell my hands grip a railing which is wet. When did it start to rain? Why do I have to piss so bad? Where am I? My stomach starts to lurch forward. I can feel my chest squeezing. How can I get to Brett if I don't even know where the hell I am? Where does she live again? Seriously why do I have to piss so bad? My vision is still distorted as I look around I can't tell if there are people around or not or even where I am exactly. I'm taking a chance but I have to piss so bad I don't care or maybe I'm too drunk to care so I pull it out.

Stumbling down the street afterwards I try to figure out where I am. The city lights are blazing high above me, the wind is blowing hard, rain is pelting my face.

I'm on a bridge that much I can tell there's water down below. No not just any bridge; I'm on their bridge. Dawson and Shay's bridge. I can feel them here. Was it fate that sent me here? Is God trying to tell me something what? Because right now it seems like a cruel joke. Being here just makes me miss them both so much. I wasn't close to Shay really. Not because I didn't like her, I just always thought there would be more time. I got caught up in life. I never made the effort always told myself tomorrow or next week. I'll get to know her better. I should she's Gabby's best friend.

That's the thing about time. You always think you'll have more of it. Till it slaps you in the face and laughs at you. Why did she have to be such a bitch? First she took Shay from us none of us have ever been the same since. Her death destroyed a part of Gabby. She never let the world see it I did though. Even in our most inmate moments I felt her guilt in waves, some nights she would cry when we were making love because it was the only time she felt comfortable enough to let her emotions out.

Her nightmares would often follow I would hear her cry out. No matter how much I would hold her it never was enough. She always cried wishing for a chance to turn back time, to never switch positions with Shay. She'd still be with us then.

A sudden noise scares me alerting my attention to a figure standing a few feet away from me. He's young hunched over the other side of the railing clinging to it. His eyes looking down I recognize that look in his eyes.

Desperation

Hopelessness

All the emotions I'm feeling right now. He's ready to jump. Where's my cell? I fumble for it. My fingers won't work right. Before I can grasp what is happening it falls from my hands into the raging water below. "crap."

"Sums up my life."

His voice is detached "makes two of us." I keep my voice light not easy when I'm still quite intoxicated. "why is yours such crap? You're a grown-up. Don't you people have it all figured out and shit?" "you got the shit part right."

"Doubt it's as bad as mine."

Laughing I move slightly closer his eyes Haven't left the water. "I don't know about that one man. I mean we're both out here." "I guess you got a point, but you seem pretty drunk dude. Are you sure you even want to be here?"

"Do you?"

"I'm sober and I'm here."

"Because you want to be or feel like there's no other choice?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah. It does. If you want to be, there is very little I can do to change your mind. If you feel there's no hope. I can help with that. As bad as it seems now, there's help out there. People who care."

His laughter is hollow angry. "lies."

"Why do you think I'm lying?"

"Cause my parents don't even care or want to help. My own parents their suppose to love me and accept me no matter who I am or what my sexuality is."

"Some people should never be allowed to have kids."

"Rough childhood?"

"Dad beat the shit out of us, mom killed my dad, she used my keys to get into his apartment."

"Fuck dude that is rough sorry, guess you did trump me."

"Uh please don't use that animals name in the same sentence as my name."

"Not a fan?"

"Hell no. You?"

"I'm a immigrant, I'm bisexual what do you think?"

Laughing I have managed to move close enough to touch his arm, but don't. "What country did you come from?" "Ireland."

"Parents move for a better job?"

"No I ran away, they threw me out because my dad found me in bed with my girlfriend and my boyfriend together."

"I'm sorry ….I didn't get your name."

"I didn't give it, doesn't matter who I am, I'll be gone soon."

"Would you consider staying?"

"Why? So I can live on the streets and be some pimps little bitch?"

"No. So I can adopt you, show you that life isn't always so cut and dry."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I've always wanted kids, life hasn't worked out for either one us. Maybe this is God's way of giving us what we both really desire."

"You would really do that? Take in a total stranger who has a mental illness? I mean it's not normal to want to hurt yourself is it?"

I remember something Shay told me once years ago when we were both wasted. She had confided in me that when she was fourteen and had figured out she was a lesbian, she hadn't been confused at all. Yet she had been scared she didn't want to tell her parents fearing rejection. Only one person knew how she felt her best friend Corey who was gay. They made a plan to kill themselves on the 15th birthdays they shared the same day May 18th.

Today

They went to his house took a bottle of tequila and took pills one for each of their teen years and one for each year they wouldn't live to see. He grabbed his dad's gun, just as he handed it to her a show called rescue 911 came on. The show featured a teenager who wanted to kill himself but was saved by his best friend. Corey pulled the trigger before Shay could stop him. Seeing him die in her arms changed her mind, it set her on a path to becoming a paramedic.

His death haunted her everyday. She was drunk as hell but she made one statement after she told me that story which stuck with me. "Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting any Worse. It eliminates the possibility of it getting any better."

"I want to help you. If you'll let me. Just let yourself feel my love, my sincerity."

He looks at me "Are you challenging me?"

"I'm challenging both of us. I need to find a reason to get over my ex wife, to prove that adoption isn't always a heartbreaking experience. You need a dad who accepts you, supports you and allows you to be yourself while providing for you. I can and want to do that for you."

"Sounds like a dream come true."

"Allow yourself to experience it silence is a wall surrounding your heart blocking light, laughter, love. Silence hurts allow love to break down those walls."

He grabs my hand before he can change his mind so I yank him up we both fall back into the wet hot concrete. As a police cruiser speeds up. "Matt?" Officer Kim Burgess comes out shielding her eyes from the harsh heavy rain.

"Kim?" "Yes get in we need to get to Med quick."

"Why?"

"It's Brett. She's … we just need to go."

I grab his hand he looks nervous but nods. So we race to her car. My heart is speeding from fear excitement and confusion.