Death Knell

"Asajj! Red alert!"

Asajj cracked an eye open, breaking her meditation. The Emissary sat across from her at the small table in The Banshee's hold (the woman had told them her name months ago, but neither Ahsoka nor Asajj could quite wrap their minds around Miralukan naming conventions).

Ahsoka continued screaming into Asajj's mind, approaching The Banshee along the village's main path at a dead sprint. "I need your help! I have no idea what to do!" The Togrutan charged up the landing ramp and burst into the room, yelling aloud, "Satell asked me on a date! What do I do?"

Ahsoka noticed the Emissary sitting across from Asajj, blowing softly upon her cup of tea, and her face, already flushed from exertion, hit a depth of crimson Asajj had never seen on her friend's orange skin.

Ahsoka immediately bent at the waist, bowing deeply to the leader of the small village they'd joined, but the Emissary waved away her embarrassment. "It seems the two of you have plenty to discuss," she said, projecting to both of them. "I shall take my leave. Thank you for the tea, Asajj, it improves with every visit." She continued out loud, where Ahsoka's injury still would not let her hear her words, "If you want to continue our discussion, you know where to find me."

Asajj couldn't help feeling annoyed at the Emissary exploiting Ahsoka's disability like that, but appreciated the discretion. She nodded to the blind woman, took a short moment to curse the irony, then replied mentally, "Thank you. I may do that."

The Emissary rose and bowed slightly. She spoke to their minds, "I remain your servant. Farewell."

Ahsoka only just waited for the Emissary to clear their line of sight before launching into questions. "What was she doing here? I know you don't like her. Are we in trouble?"

"Relax. I don't dislike her, and I invited her. Which one is Satell?" Ahsoka still tried to pronounce the Miralukan names, undeterred by her consistent failure and tendency to inadvertently insult those she addressed.

"The tall one, muscular, fine hair like yours, but dark, usually carries a spear, we met him when we rescued that child who fell into the ravine a while back? With the long legs, strong arms, and tight abs?"

A most un-Ahsoka-like expression was settling on Ahsoka's face, an occurrence that was becoming more and more common these days. Asajj did her best to encourage her exploration of all the emotions her friend had ignored or stunted for so long, though she sometimes worried a day was inevitably coming when she'd have a crisis in identity over how far she'd come from the Jedi she'd been scarcely more than a year ago.

"The fisherman's son?" Asajj asked. "I've seen him looking at you. Sounds you like looking at him too. So what's the problem? Also, how do you know about his abs?"

Ahsoka's blush returned, "I happened across him bathing in the river the other night. And the problem is I have no idea what to do! I like looking at him, but I don't really know anything about him. Do I say yes? I've never been asked on a date before, I don't know their customs about romance? What kind of commitment am I looking at here? Is one date enough for marriage? I'm not ready for that! I'm not even ready for sex! Is that what he wants? He doesn't know me personally, not really, we've never really talked. Oh sithspit, he does just want me for my body! But I still should have said something. Does saying nothing sound like a negative? Did I insult him? I can't do this!"

Asajj smiled lightly at Ahsoka's untempered panic. "You seemed very eager to find some romance after the mountain; what changed?"

"I was eager for romance with you. I know you, and I know you know me. A girl my age should have more experience than I do. I'm going to mess up; hopefully in a small way, but I might screw up in a huge way. You'd know I mean nothing by it, and would probably forgive me. Other people will have the wrong expectations." Ahsoka hung her head.

"You're probably right, in concept at least. I think you have most of the details wrong, but you will screw up. Everyone has the wrong expectations, or, at least, different expectations. Dating isn't marriage, and it isn't sex either. Dating is dating. Might lead to the other two, but that's up to you, and it's up to him. You want to figure out his expectations? Ask him. Communicate. Jedi are supposed to be good at that, so I'm sure you'll be fine. But not every girl your age has started dating yet. And most boys are looking for more than just sex."

"Your life has been as far from normal as mine," Ahsoka pointed out, "How do you know about this stuff any better than I do?"

Asajj paused. Ahsoka rarely asked questions about Ventress's past. She preferred not to think about her own past. Neither of them did. And since the mountain, they treaded lightly around each other. Even this question was less a genuine inquiry than a subconscious excuse to ignore Asajj's advice. Open and honest communication was hard. Both of them knew that.

"I spent the better part of my adolescence ruling a planet with an iron fist. A surprising number of people find that kind of power attractive. I was young, lustful, and naive enough to not recognize and not care that most were leeches or political climbers, interested in my power or my wealth. I earned a great deal of hands-on experience in that time. I've...avoided mixing romance with sex since then."

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean to pry into your past." Asajj could tell that Ahsoka meant it, despite the eager look on her face. Her respect didn't kill her curiosity. "This is just...hard. In a different way from usual. How stupid am I, to fight for my life without fear, but be terrified at the prospect of holding hands."

"Pretty stupid. If you've forgiven me, anyone who won't forgive some dumb misunderstanding doesn't deserve your time, never mind the opportunity to hold your hand. And it's not like Satell is the only boy in the galaxy."

"But he is the cutest single guy in the village. I don't really have access to the entire galaxy; the Banshee's atmospheric shields are in complete disarray."

"I know. You completely tore them out to rebuild them from scratch just before you finished reconstructing the sub-light engine, which you only began fixing when the hyperdrive motivator was nearly complete. Both of us, and the Emissary too, know that we could have moved on ages ago. But I don't want to, and they don't want us to. I don't mind the deception, but I think the only person who even slightly believes it is you."

Ahsoka sat opposite Ventress, "You've spoken to the Emissary about this?"

Asajj sipped her tea, and poured Ahsoka a fresh cup. "I don't dislike her. Makes good tea. It actually came up in our talk today. Her only complaint was that we've been overcontributing. She's concerned if we don't ease up on our hunting, we might damage the sarkin population."

"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" Ahsoka asked.

Asajj raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not saying driving them to extinction is a good thing, but wouldn't it be good for the Miraluka? No giant monstrous bats guarding the saro groves would make harvesting much safer."

"Also much, much more difficult. Apparently the sarkin and the saro are symbiotic; no bats, no fruit."

"Huh. I guess that makes sense. I guess that's why the Emissary visited then? Did she have something else for us to do?"

"She didn't mention anything. Harvest has been good, and planting won't start for a few weeks." Asajj sighed, the action only faintly irritating her scarred diaphragm. There really wasn't any point in avoiding the subject any longer. "I actually invited her."

"I knew it!" Ahsoka exulted, "You have a crush on the Emissary!"

"No. And three minutes ago you said you know I don't like her. I invited her for different reasons."

"Excuses!" Ahsoka teased with an expository finger in the air. "Conflict and antagonism can be an effective excuse to get closer to someone, a technique often employed by those unwilling to admit their true, dark, passionate feelings!"

"I felt an echo through the Force," Asajj said. "Count Dooku is dead. And I think your master killed him."

Asajj felt satisfaction, shame, and grief in quick succession as she watched the smile slide from Ahsoka's face. "That's...big news. How are you feeling?"

For as much as Asajj encouraged Ahsoka to change, she was thrilled that this compassion and concern had remained intact. "This is...good news, I think. For all that he was right about the senate being this ugly, slow, monolithic, bloated, corrupt-"

"Alright, already." Ahsoka interjected.

"-thing that really needs to be reformed and rebuilt, there was too little Dooku, Former Jedi, Count of Serenno, and too much Darth Tyrannus, tenuous apprentice to the high lord of the Sith, once the war began."

"Wait, Dooku is...was...the apprentice? I thought he was Maul's master, and after Maul died he found you."

"No. Dooku wasn't Maul's master, he was Qui-Gon Jinn's. And Dooku has never spoken of having a master, and I've never met them, but Nute Gunray takes too much pleasure in flaunting his importance to effectively keep a secret. Fool once threatened to go over Dooku's head in front of the whole Separatist Council. I suppose he now fancies himself the leader of the separatists now that Dooku has fallen. He might be able to hold them together, he's always had a knack for politics, but he can't win the war. Grievous might be able to pull it off even without Dooku, but he lacks the charisma to make allies of fallen foes. Even if he can conquer the galaxy, he could never hold it. And after Naboo, the hidden Sith retreated for ten years rather than push his luck in a losing position. I don't see them revealing themselves now to rally what's left of the separatists. I think your clones might get to live the rest of their lives in peace."

"That's great." Ahsoka said, half-exasperated. "Really, it is. But how are you feeling? Dooku was mentor and monster to you. He taught you power and slaughtered your people; gave you notoriety and put a bounty on your name. That man was killed by my master, a man who has fought you half a dozen times, thwarted your tactics repeatedly, but who cleared your name on Coruscant. The war you sweat and bled for, but which you abandoned is ending, and your side lost. So what are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Honestly?" Asajj thought aloud, "I'm not feeling as much as I thought I would. Everything you said is about right, and my emotions are super confused about all of this, but they aren't strong. There was a time I would be thrown into a blood-frenzy over someone looking at me the wrong way, but now?" Asajj shrugged, "It feels like a story from another life, from someone else's life, someone I don't particularly care for. I'm more upset that this rather excellent cup of tea is almost dry."

"And that doesn't bother you?" Ahsoka asked.

"The tea?" Asajj asked. "Not really, no."

"Not the tea," Ahsoka said, smiling lightly. "The fact that you aren't feeling that much. That you're this calm and rational about the whole business. That you were in control enough that you saw the endgame where we now have no reason to hide from the galaxy and could leave the Emissary and the rest of the Miraluka behind if we wanted to. That change in yourself doesn't bother you at all?"

Asajj sipped the last of her tea. "There was certainly...satisfaction in giving unfiltered voice to every emotion as it sprang to life within me. There was...honesty. Even when I was lying, it was because I was a liar. I was honest with myself. Everything I was, everything I did, was me. There was also shame. Who I was was rarely who I wanted to be, and there's no hiding from that kind of honesty. So I destroyed it. Deluded myself that who I was was all I wanted to be, that I was making the right choice, that I didn't have a choice. No, I don't miss that. Calm as I am, I can still feel. I can still be honest. And here, like this, I don't feel ashamed of what I've become. And I can feel happy."

Ahsoka raised her cup to eye level. "This must be some really good tea." She peeked over the rim and studied Asajj's face. "So you don't think we should get involved, take revenge for Dooku, spit on his corpse, or anything like that. Don't think we should go to the Jedi, join the order on our terms, personally hunt down Grievous, or Barriss, or Maul, or this hidden Sith, or anything like that. You just want to hang out on this forgotten planet, sipping delicious tea?"

"Sipping tea, training with you, and smiling. Yes. The galaxy got by without our help for several thousand years before we were born, and will just have to figure out its own problems without us. We might be able to help some people if we dash off, but we're helping people here, and we won't help anyone if we can't get off planet. And last I checked, we still don't have any idea where in the galaxy we are. Helping people is a solid end goal. In the meantime, we keep training so we can help people better once we start, we wrack our brains to figure out how to do it, and we wait for a cue from the force that can tell us when to do it. I just don't feel like we're ready yet."

"Do you think we'll ever feel ready? We'll never properly understand the Force; if there's one thing I think I really do understand about it, it's that the Force does have a will, and it doesn't want to be understood." She shook her horned head. "Never thought I'd want to talk to Merth again."

"Talk to mirth? How can you talk to an emotion?" Asajj asked. "Is this a Jedi technique?"

"No, no," Ahsoka said, valiantly keeping a smile from her lips. "Merth is a name, a Jedi man I knew. Said he was more psychologist than soldier, the Jedi that saves Jedi from themselves. You actually met him too. Our last night on Corellia, when we went drinking," Asajj could recall the occasion, "he slipped something in your drink so he could talk to me."

"He WHAT?"

"Yeah, I can't believe I forgot to tell you about any of this, but we were kind of...distracted."

A mild way to say near-mortally injured, physically impaired, and tossed to a planet abandoned by the galaxy.

"It was a clever move, really. Gave him a private conversation with me while making it very clear he didn't mean any harm to you or me, since we'd have sensed the somni in your drink if there'd been any danger to it."

"Clever, maybe, but unnecessary. I'd have given you privacy if you'd wanted it."

"Oh yeah, classic Je-thank you, by the way, I appreciate that-classic Jedi arrogance, finding the most direct solution without any regard for anyone's autonomy or dignity."

Asajj recognized that Ahsoka was exaggerating her own tiny outrage to cover up the faux pas of calling drugging her friend 'clever,' and didn't really feel comfortable with anti-Jedi words coming from Ahsoka. "It's all right. They had every reason to be suspicious of me. If my mentors were in your mentors shoes, it would have been an assassination squad that found us, not a psychologist with tasty drugs. He did mix a good drink. But you said you wanted to talk to Merth again. Why did you like him?"

"I don't know if I liked him, but he said a lot of things you just don't expect a Jedi to say. About being honest with myself, taking care of myself, and being happy. All values the Jedi praise, but always facing outward, protecting those things for other people. Merth had a way of saying things that should be obvious in a profound way. Recently, I feel like I'm staring at something really obvious, but not recognizing what's going on, or what I should do."

Asajj nodded her empathy. "So...fix the ship, keep training, and wait for the Force to give us a sign?"

Ahsoka gave a single sharp nod, "And in the meantime, I have a date to go accept. Life is still happening to us, no matter where we are or what we're doing. Might as well live it."