"You have this power over me
And there's no way to fight it
I cant help but gravitate towards you,
This is a force I can't defeat" Angel Eyes by New Years Day
Chapter 2
I rub the sleep from my eyes while I slowly make my way to the shower. Seven a.m. came entirely too quickly today. It doesn't take me long to shower and get myself ready for the day. My outfit today is a navy blue colored skirt and cream colored long sleeved blouse and pumps. I let my hair stay down in its natural waves.
I heat up a microwavable breakfast bowl because I really didn't feel like cooking this morning. I was nervous but excited for the day ahead. Today would be Bucky's first session with me. I almost spill my glass of milk when a loud voice intrudes on my quiet breakfast.
"Miss Angelov, Mr. Stark is at your door." I toss my bowl in the trash as I go to welcome Tony in.
He looks rough. Obviously hasn't slept or showered, his hair is messy, he's still wearing yesterday's clothes. I step aside and let him walk into my suite. He takes a beer from my fridge without asking and takes a seat at my small table in the kitchen.
"A little early to be drinking isn't it Tony?" I sit across from him. He flips me off and takes a sip from the glass bottle.
"I go to grab a coffee this morning and guess who's rifling through my god damn cupboards?" I don't answer knowing that he's about to go on a very animated rant. "That homicidal winter bitch that's who!" He takes another large drink. "I knew he was coming but I didn't expect him to be eating my fucking food and humming Bing Crosby! I figured id be able to ignore and avoid the man for a good few months at least. He's supposed to be an angst filled guilt ridden mute right now, like he was the last time I saw him." I just blink slowly at Tony for a few moments to make sure he's done.
"I know this is going to be a big adjustment, this is going to be hard. I'm glad you came to me." He seems to sense that I have more to say because he stays uncharacteristically quiet. "You had to know you couldn't completely avoid him for months Ton, you live in the same building, only a couple floors apart. Everyone uses the kitchen and living room on that floor. You don't have to be his friend right now Tony, you don't have to forgive him, but avoidance just isn't realistic in this situation. You're an arrogant pain in the ass but you're a good man. You're going to get through this, I'm going to get you through this." He puts his head in his hands and sighs.
"How the hell does a twenty eight year old sound so wise all the time?" I smile softly and ruffle his hair as I walk past him to make a pot of coffee.
"Clearly I'm just a badass Stark." He laughs and shakes his head; his voice turns serious again in a second though.
"Do you really think you can help Barne's Annie?" I take the now empty beer bottle from him and set a cup of coffee in front of him instead. I squeeze his shoulder.
"I really hope I can. He's much less quiet than I expected. If Steve believes in him the way he does than I have to believe in him too." I'm not sure if Tony really took in anything I said but he acknowledges me with a nod of his head. He stands and stretches.
"Thanks for the mini session sunshine, no need to bill me, I'll just deposit the money into your account." I roll my eyes and walk him to my door. "If you need anything at all…if something happens with Barnes do not hesitate to call me or ya know just chop his head off with one of those scythes of yours." He laughs while I push him out the door.
I head to my office to do some paperwork and update some files. Time gets away from me and before I know it my secretary is informing me that my eleven o'clock appointment has arrived. I take a deep breath before going to greet Bucky.
I almost trip over my own feet when I take in the man's appearance today. He's wearing a black Henley with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of dark washed jeans. His face is now clean shaven, and his long hair is tucked behind his ears. Dear god he was gorgeous! I stop my ridiculous train of thought and smile and gesture for him to follow me back to my office. I sit behind my desk and he takes a seat across from me.
I made sure my office was welcoming when I decorated it. Large plush chairs and beautiful paintings. I have an entire wall covered by bookshelves. My walls are a warm brown. I almost always have a diffuser going, today it smells like lilacs.
"You look like a completely different person today doll." I don't get flustered easily but something about the way his voice sounded saying doll had my cheeks warming. "Not to say you didn't look good last night, you did, you just clean up real nice." He stumbles over his words and I feel my blush deepen.
"Thanks Bucky, you do too." His smile damn near kills me. Maybe Nat was right to worry about me. How the hell did she know id be attracted to him so quickly? I clear my throat and try to focus on what I'm actually supposed to be doing here. "So how are you settling in so far?"
He sits back in his chair. "Uh, pretty good so far I guess. Steve's being a little overbearing, but I expected that. I ran into Stark this morning, he looked like he wanted to strangle me." His voice lowers at the end, laced with guilt.
"Hey, Don't get discouraged by Tony. He was willing to let you come here and that's huge. He's going to need some time to adjust but I really think it will all end up ok. And Steve is a mother hen in general, I'm sure he's worse with you because he cares about you so much." Bucky keeps eye contact the whole time. His body language is not that of a defeated man. I'm very pleasantly surprised by how well he seems.
"He's always been a punk. A real pain in the ass when he wants to be." I laugh at his comment.
"I hope I'm not being intrusive here, but Steve's told me that in the past you were having memory problems. Is that still an issue for you?" He looks a little uncomfortable that our conversation has become more serious, but he still answers.
"A lot has started coming back to me in these last few months but I'm still missing some big chunks of time. Sometimes I wake up from a nightmare and can't even remember my own name." He sounds lost now, eyes not holding my gaze for long.
"I hope that our sessions can help you regain some of things you've forgotten. Our brains are powerful things, we can block out painful memories to protect ourselves. And you were conditioned to forget anything personal, to be dehumanized. It may take some time to get you to a place where you feel safe and comfortable enough to regain all you've lost." He seems to be hanging onto my every word. He wants help, that's incredibly encouraging.
"You said last night that you had a nightmare…does that happen to you a lot too?" He needs some kind of connection, wants to know that I'm a real person and not just some overpaid asshole who doesn't care.
"Yes unfortunately. Its getting better though." I can tell he wants to ask more but that 1940's gentleman in him is holding him back. "I was a spy before SHIELD fell. Real deep ops kind of stuff, Natasha Romanov and I got paired up quite a bit. I've seen a lot of really bad shit. I've caused a lot of pain, I was naïve enough to believe I was doing it all for the right reasons, for the right people. Obviously, that wasn't the case at all. So now I'm trying to make amends as best I can. I have the ability to do good, that's all I want." Blue grey eyes soften considerably.
"You are doing good doll. Not many people would be willing to sit across from the winter soldier and try to help him. You've got a hell of a lot of faith in humanity if you think there's any hope for me." It saddens me that he doesn't seem to think that there is hope for him.
I move to sit next to him without really thinking. I reach forward and take his left hand in mine. He flinches and moves to yank his hand away. I hold tightly to his metal hand, its surprisingly warm.
"I've spent way too many hours reading about you and listening to Steve's stories about you to believe that you're a lost cause. You were an amazing man who got tortured by an army of psychopaths. What happened to you, what they did to you, what they made you do…it wasn't your fault. You might not ever be the man you were before all of this, but I absolutely believe that you will be no less remarkable than you were back then. You're going to do amazing with your life Bucky Barne's." I swear I see moisture gathering in his eyes, he swallows and runs his right hand through his long hair.
"You're doing real wonders for my ego here Ангел. Steve's right, you are something else." I don't let on that I understood that he called me angel in Russian. It finally registers that I still haven't let go of his metal hand. It's strangely beautiful, smooth plates of silver inlaid with lines of gold. This must have been a gift from the King of Wakanda since last I heard Tony had blasted off his arm. I wonder if its made of the highly sought after Vibranium the country was famous for. Bucky's gaze follows mine to our intertwined hands.
"Can you feel that?" I don't know why I'm speaking so quietly and still grasping his hand.
"It's different than my real arm but I can pick up on some pressure and the warmth, definitely more than I could with the old one." I pull my hand away from him gently. I've already crossed some kind of boundary with him and it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since we met. "So you did a little bit of studying up on me did ya?" He sounds pleased. Steve always said Bucky was a real charmer back in their time. I cant help but smile at his boyish grin.
"A bit more than a little. I was downright smitten with you and your story Sarge." It's his turn to blush this time. Something in his eyes seems to darken at the fact that I called him Sarge. One thing he'd learn about me is that I'm in no way shy.
"Gotta warn a guy before you go spoutin off pretty words like that doll." I giggle, actually giggle at the fact that his Brooklyn accent is coming through the more comfortable he becomes.
"I'll warn you next time, would hate to give the old man a heart attack after all." He chuckles for the first time in the small period I've known him.
"I don't know if I've ever met a dame quite like you." I'm trying to ignore the butterflies he's causing me to have. He's supposed to be my patient not someone to flirt with. When was the last time I felt this amount of attraction for a man?
"I'm sure you used to say that to all the women." I'm getting lost in his eyes, I'm crossing into dangerous territory here.
"I remember enough to know that I never once said that to any of them dancehall dames." Am I hearing things or is his voice suddenly raspier? He's going to cause my moral compass to completely change directions.
I stand suddenly and walk back to my place behind my desk. I needed to put some physical distance between us or I was going to make a complete ass of myself. "I think we should meet at least two or three times a week for now, I've got a good feeling that you're going to have very little trouble moving forward." He smiles widely, a sight that almost leaves me breathless. This man will be the death of me, I can already tell.
"Sounds good to me. You wanna grab some lunch with me and Steve?" I agree to his request more enthusiastically than I should.
I am royally fucked, that's all there is to it. Bucky Barnes is going to completely destroy my sense of right and wrong. He's just as lethal as Nat warned just in an entirely different kind of way.