"And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing over me
And the questions I have for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean deliver me" Never Let Me Go by Florence and the machine
Chapter 5
We put on another movie. Steve keeps sending me this knowing smile. If I wasn't so ridiculously happy I might've socked him one. Bucky sits close to me, our legs touching. I feel his eyes on me almost the whole movie until suddenly a soft snore startles me. Bucky's head is lolled back on the couch, mouth open, snoring softly. The sight tears a giggle from me and a chuckle from Steve.
"He barely sleeps, must've finally got the best of him. He really must feel comfortable with you if he's willing to let his guard down enough to fall asleep." Steve's voice is quiet and fond sounding.
"I don't know about all that, but I am glad he's getting some rest." He really is the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on. He looks so peaceful. I can't help but reach out and brush a stray hair off his face. He makes a soft sound but continues to snooze.
"You're good for him Liya. I think he'll be good for you too." Steve is so optimistic about whatever is blooming between Bucky and I, it's nice that I have his approval. I'm scared shitless. This could cause many problems on both our ends. There was a reason I never got close to anyone all these years, but I can't bring myself to dwell on that too much, whatever this is is far stronger than my fear.
"I hope I can be. I don't want to hurt him." The thing about Steve Rogers is despite how good and polite he is he has absolutely no problem speaking his mind and giving you an honest opinion. It's one of the things I respect about him most and something that tends to get him in trouble with the wrong kinds of people. So hearing him say that he believes I'm good for his best friend honestly means something to me because Steve never says anything he doesn't mean.
"Can I tell you something Liya?" I nod in affirmation to the blonde man. "That first night Bucky saw you he told me he'd dreamed of you before." I quirk an eyebrow in confusion. "He said that he'd dreamed about you for years, even when he was the soldier. Said it was one of the only things that got him through some of the long nights of not knowing himself. He assumed that the woman in his dreams was someone important to him from our life before, that he just couldn't remember who it was." I'm really thrown off by this. There's no way. Maybe I just remind him of someone.
"That makes no sense Stevie, That's not possible." He nods his head in agreement, but his smile is almost blinding with some secret.
"Yea, that's what I thought too. With his mind being as fractured and all over the place as it is I just figured he'd somehow mixed you up with someone else or had just heard me speak about you so much that you felt familiar when he saw you." He's still smiling, and I can tell he's not done talking so I wait with bated breath. "Then I saw the pictures…they're you. One hundred percent you, from years before I ever spoke about you or knew Buck was still alive." My heart is racing, the sound of it loud to my ears.
"What do you mean pictures?" I sound shaky, I feel like I might pass out.
"Drawings. He drew you Liya, dozens of times. Then he saw you in real life and said that he'd never felt so whole or peaceful in his entire life." My head is spinning, I don't know if I feel like throwing up or crying. Steve wouldn't lie. But what the hell did all this mean?
"H-How? I want to see them." My voice is louder than I intended and Bucky grumbles and shifts in his sleep. We both still until his snoring returns.
"It's his place to show you not mine. I figured telling you would give him a kickstart though. I think he's scared to say anything because it sounds so crazy."
It does sound crazy, impossible even. For some reason unknown to me I believe it and not just because Steve is telling me. I was drawn to James Barnes the moment I heard about him. I became consumed by this overwhelming need to know absolutely everything I could about him. I wanted nothing more than to meet him, and then when I did it was an immediate kind of attraction. The rational part of me is screaming that this kind of shit just cant happen but the other half is saying that in a world of super soldiers, aliens, and Viking gods the concept of some intense romantic connection that goes far deeper than something my logical brain can grasp really isn't that strange.
"I'll try to get him to talk to me about it, I don't think he's crazy. Thank you for telling me."
We chat quietly for a few more minutes before my eyes start to droop and I decide to leave. I stand to leave, hugging Steve before heading for the door. I'm stopped halfway there by a soft mutter of Ангел (angel) from Bucky in his sleep. My heart swells, he had called me that before not knowing I'd understood him. Steve's eyes are trained on me as I open the door. I'm rendered almost breathless by all I'm feeling. It causes me to whisper unfiltered words to my friend.
"I'm going to fall in love with him aren't I Stevie?" The captain doesn't seem shocked by the question.
"I sure do hope so Liya, because I think as far as he's concerned there's a real good reason he's always dreamed of you. You're her you know?" My heart flutters at that. He thinks I'm the one and he barely knows me, that should be off-putting shouldn't it? It's the exact opposite of that.
"I need to get some sleep Stevie. If he wakes up let him know I said good night will ya?" He smiles warmly and closes the door behind me.
Sleep finds me quickly but I'm restless. The nightmares that have plagued me for years still won't go away. The people I killed for SHIELD…for HYDRA they haunt me. So many missions that were just supposed to be for information gathering ended in bloodshed. When you think you're on the right side of things the head count doesn't seem to matter as much. But now I'm haunted by all my choices and by the torture I endured to get what SHIELD wanted.
When I wake I'm fighting through a haze of fatigue and anxiety. It's one of my days off so I dress casually in a pair of dark jeans and a form fitting white tank top. I leave my hair loose and apply the bare minimum of makeup. I don't feel like making breakfast so I wander down to the staff cafeteria and grab a bagel with a side of bacon.
"Do my eyes deceive me or is that my favorite Bulgarian beauty sittin at a table by herself?" I look up with a huge smile on my face. I jump up and run into the waiting arms of one of my favorite people in the world.
"Sam! I didn't know you were back from scouting." He chuckles and holds me at arm's length. His usual chipper expression falls a bit.
"You not sleeping again baby girl?" I roll my eyes and signal for him to follow me back to my table, he takes a seat across from me.
"I've been having nightmares pretty badly again but I'm ok bird brain." He mutters something insulting under his breath, he hates when I make bird jokes.
"Why don't you come down to the VA next week ok? It might help a bit and the boys love seein you." I nod in agreement. It did help, and I enjoy lending Sam a hand when I can and he does the same for me. "I talked to Steve this morning, he said you've been helping him out with Barne's."
"Of course I am, that was always the plan." An eyebrow is raised and he's drumming his fingers on the table. "What Sammy?" He shakes his head in amusement.
"I didn't realize tall, dark, and murdery was your type." I almost spit my tea in his face but end up choking instead.
"Is Steve incapable of keeping his stupid mouth shut!?" I glare at the laughing man across from me.
"He barely said anything, I'm good at reading between the lines." I flip him off and take a bite of my bagel. "I humiliate myself for years continuously getting shot down by you just to find out you have a thing for decrepit cyborgs." A sharp kick under the table makes him wince.
"You never could have handled me fly boy. And whatever is going on between Bucky and I is new, and I don't need your ass meddling in it." He looks surprised.
"Wow, you really do got a thing for him. Stark's gonna shit a brick." My stomach drops at that. Like I hadn't already thought about how badly that conversation would go.
"Which is why you and Captain busybody need to keep your loud mouths shut! This has been going on for all of a day Sammy, we aren't in some established relationship and we have to figure it out for ourselves. I do like him, I'm not going to fuck it up before we even see where it's going to lead." He reaches across the table and takes my hand in his large one.
"Ok I hear you loud and clear. Take a deep breath, damn girl you get riled up easily." I roll my eyes but squeeze his hand back. He was one of my closest friends, I could tell him anything. I'm confused by the wide-eyed half scared look on Sam's face. "Shit, Barne's looks like he's about to go all mindless killer on me." I whip around and take in the irritated but incredibly attractive look on James Barnes face. He's walking slowly, calculated. He's wearing a pair of black athletic pants and a grey under armour shirt that fits his muscled body like a second skin.
I instinctively stand and meet Bucky halfway. I don't even think about it but I'm suddenly wrapping my arms around his solid form. Whatever tension he was feeling seems to melt as he relaxes against me. He's tall enough that he can set his chin on top of my head and I can rest mine against his warm chest. I pull back and meet his eyes which are now much warmer.
"Good morning Bucky. Why did you look so mad a minute ago?" We are still standing close together. He shoots a glare behind me.
"He was holding your hand." He gestures to Sam who looks downright astonished by our little display of affection.
"Sam's one of my best friends, he was comforting me."
I walk back to my table and Bucky sits right by me, our legs touching.
"Wilson." He says it in a clipped tone, gesturing with a small nod of his head.
"Hey Barne's, how's it going?" Sam sounds his usual cheery self again.
"Fine." My dark-skinned friend huffs out a laugh.
"Talkative as usual I see. Well Liya I'm gonna go find Steve and hit the gym. Give me a call later so we can figure something out for the VA." He squeezes my shoulder as he passes by. I think he was trying to not stress out Bucky.
I'm surprised when warm fingers intertwine with my own. A soft smile graces those perfect lips of James Barnes. "Sorry I fell asleep last night doll." He reduces me to a puddle of goo with that smooth voice of his.
"Don't be sorry. You needed the sleep Sarge." His hand squeezes mine a little tighter, eyes darkening that smidge again. I don't know why that seems to effect him so much.
"Steve said that you had the day off today. I was wondering if you'd maybe wanna get dinner with me?" I wonder if he can hear how fast my heart is beating.
"Are you asking me on a date James?" I know I'm smiling like an idiot and he smiles right back. He lifts my hand to his lips before placing a soft kiss there. I'm done for.
"Yea I am. I think I like it when you call me James." He looks so carefree right now. If he likes it I'll make sure to say it over and over again.
"I would love to go on a date with you." Heartbreaking, swoon worthy grin, the kind he had in those 1940's pictures.
"Alright. I'll come to your door around seven. Have a good day doll." He presses a kiss to the top of my head and is gone in a flash. What the hell just happened?
There are more than a few people looking at me. I kind of forgot I was in the middle of the cafeteria. So much for keeping all of this under wraps.