Part II
Erin played with her fingers nervously, waiting for Kim to show up. She was finally going to see Kim again after suddenly quitting the diner and she missed her friend—her only friend really. Aside from Kim and Marty—the cook—Erin didn't have a lot of people in her life, some by choice and some because it was a necessity.
"Erin!" Kim arrived, engulfing Erin in a huge hug. "Girl, you're looking good." Erin smiled, Kim was being the same Kim as always—completely unmarred by the harsh reality of the world and a complete contrast to Erin. Sometimes it was nice to have the jolt of positivity in her life, god knows Erin needed it.
"You look great too." She really did. Kim was into fashion and was always complaining about spending most of her money on clothes. Kim appreciated the compliment and beamed at Erin.
"So how have you been?" Kim asked, leaning closer to Erin. "How's your husband?" She whispered as though it was some sort of big secret. "Gosh, it's so weird to even say that." There were five people in total who knew the whole situation of why she and Jay got married—obviously her and Jay, Will, Mouse, Kim and Marty. The latter two were only in the know because Erin had to tell them just in case someone came sniffing around, trying to find out the truth. But she knew she could trust them, Kim was her friend and Marty had always been protective of Erin. His only concern was Erin getting herself into a situation with a man she didn't know.
"It's fine."
"Are you kidding me?" Kim asked, annoyed. "You're married to a freaking multi-millionaire, a hot one I might add, and all you can say is fine? Come on, Erin. Give me something here."
"It's not like we got married for the conventional reason, Kim," Erin retorted, sipping her coffee. "You know the reason why."
"Yeah yeah yeah. Some secret agreement, blah blah blah," Kim waved her hand. "Gosh Erin, you're living in a perfect romantic scenario and you don't even know it." Kim leaned in even closer, eyes imploring Erin. "Now tell me, have something happened between you and this hot millionaire yet?" Kim's eyebrows were practically wagging, waiting for any sort of tidbit from Erin.
"Nothing!" Erin replied, trying to keep herself from blushing and give herself away. "We just try to stay out of each other's way."
Kim groaned. "You're so frustrating Erin! Every other girl would be dying to be in your spot. Now I've googled this Jay Halstead and he is freaking hot. Not to mention rich. And did I say hot yet?"
"Yeah you have," Erin shot back. "Several times."
Kim shrugged, giving Erin a grin. "Have you seen him naked yet?"
"Kim!" Erin gasped, feeling her face heat up. "I'm not answering that!"
Kim's eyes widened, mouth dropped. "Oh my god, you totally have! That's why you're blushing!"
"No!" Erin immediately denied, Kim shot her a look that she didn't believe her. "Okay, maybe I've seen him half naked but not completely naked and I'm not lying!"
"And how did he look? Because I'm imagining a freaking Adonis in my head. All chiseled and hard."
Erin thought back to when she saw him after he came out of the shower, dripping wet and barely covered by a towel. Yeah, she was definitely blushing now. "Well," she started. "You're pretty close." Erin was sure if the Halstead Enterprises ever went belly up and Jay needed a job, he'd be able to fall back on becoming an underwear model.
Kim was completely enthralled now, almost squealing. "I knew it!" she grinned. "And now you're telling me that you don't want any of that?"
"No, I don't." Erin sighed. "You know how I feel about relationships. I don't want or need that complication in my life. All I want out of this is my money and the nursing courses. I mean, is he hot? Yes. Is he sweet? Yes but it's me," Erin shrugged. "It's not for me."
Kim's face got serious at Erin's words. "You like him."
Erin was taken aback. "What? No," Erin immediately denied, shaking her head.
"You do," Kim shot back. "I can see it in your eyes. You like this guy and you're denying it to yourself."
"I do not," Erin denied again. "Yes, he's nicer and different than I'd thought he'd be and we get along better than I'd ever thought possible but me and Jay? No."
"Yeah? Tell your face that."
Erin's hand cupped her face, feeling the hot skin underneath her palms. "My face is fine. I'm just getting over being sick so that's probably what you're seeing."
"You're sick? You okay?"
Erin nodded. "Yeah, the doctor said it wasn't anything serious. Just a fever and residual effect of it. I'm hoping that it goes away completely soon though. I've had to cancel with Jake several times already and I really need to study more if I'm going to pass this G.E.D test."
"Whoa whoa whoa," Kim said, stopping Erin. "Two things. One, who's Jake? And two? You Erin, actually went to a doctor when you're sick?" Kim bent her head down and looked outside the windows, up at the sky.
"What are you doing?" Erin asked, watching Kim's behavior.
"I'm checking to see if pigs are flying," Kim replied. "Because they have to be if you're actually going to a doctor."
"It wasn't my choice," Erin revealed. "I wasn't even aware that the doctor was there but I was so knocked out from the fever and Jay called his doctor…"
"Aww," Kim gushed. "Jay was the one who called the doctor? He was worried about you."
Erin couldn't deny Kim's assumption. Even though she had just woken up from her feverish sleep, Erin saw the worry and concern in Jay's eyes. She still couldn't believe that he stayed up all night taking care of her. She never had someone do that for her before and he was the first. Even when she had tried to push him away—insisting that he left so he wouldn't catch whatever she got—he wouldn't budge, just shushing her and telling her to shut up and just let him take care of her.
"Ok he was," Erin admitted. "But just as a friend. Probably didn't want me vomiting all over his place or something," Erin said, trying to make light of the gesture, not wanting Kim to make a big deal of it. Kim just pursed her lips, not buying Erin's explanation.
"If you say so. So who's Jake? Is he someone you met at school? Is he the reason why you won't give Jay a chance?"
Erin sighed, Kim was like dog with a bone. "Jake is my G.E.D tutor."
"Oh, I didn't know you were taking the G.E.D."
"Yeah, I need it to take my nursing courses and the test is in like two weeks so Jay hired this tutor…"
"Hold up!" Kim interrupted, holding up her hand. "He hired you a tutor too? So not only was he worried enough about you to get you a doctor but he also hired you a tutor to help you? Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two? You can tell me, I can totally keep a secret."
"No Kim," Erin replied. "Nothing is going on."
"Maybe for you," Kim theorized. "Maybe you don't like him but I think he likes you."
Erin shook her head as though the idea was unfathomable. "No way, Jay doesn't like me."
"How do you know? From what you told me, it seems like he does."
"Trust me, he doesn't." There was no way in Erin's head that Jay liked her. He probably cared about her, sure, but only as friends. "I've met his ex-girlfriend and trust me, we're total polar opposites. He probably likes someone like her and I'm nothing like her."
"How so?"
Erin sighed, flashing back to when they ran into Ally at the store. "She's beautiful you know? Totally put together, fancy everything, hair, nails, clothes. And look at me, I practically live in my sweatshirt and leggings. There's no way I'm his type."
"Erin, you're beautiful." Erin shrugged Kim's words off, thinking Kim was trying to comfort Erin. "And I'm not saying that to make you feel better. You're a total babe and you just don't know it. Besides all you have described to me about his ex is her looks."
"It's not just her looks," Erin voiced. "I just needed a second and I could tell that she came from his world—rich, educated, good family. That's the type he's used to. I bet all my money that all of his exes are like her and that's not me. That's the opposite of me so there's no way he likes me." Kim was quiet at that and Erin didn't want to dwell on the subject of how inferior she felt in every way to Ally so she changed the subject. "Anyway, we didn't come to talk about Jay and his exes. I was wondering if anyone came poking around, asking about me?"
Kim let it slide, letting Erin change the subject. "Um not when I was on shifts but Marty said there was this guy in a suit that was asking some questions but he said he totally got your back and covered for you. But I think it was only once so don't worry."
"Oh good," Erin sighed. "Tell him thanks for me. And that I missed him. I missed you both."
"We miss you too. But we're happy for you that you're not working there anymore. You belong in a better place Erin. We're just so happy that you're finally getting a chance." Erin gave Kim a fond smile. While she missed her friends, she definitely didn't miss her job or the diner. She was finally moving on and after the next three months, her agreement with Jay would be over too and she could finally start the rest of her life that she'd been planning for a long time. She just hoped that her heart would still be intact by then.
"Jay, my man!" Jay watched as Antonio bounded down the steps, hands in his pockets until Antonio reached him and they greeted each other. "You doing good?"
"I'd be better if you tell me that the A.D.A is backing off my case so I can get these charges to go away."
Antonio sucked in his breath. "Wish I could, but he's still hounding around here like he smells blood. I mean can you blame him? A gangbanger and son of Chicago's Elite? No wonder he's pretty much salivating to nail you for drunk and disorderly and that idiot that shot himself for reckless endangerment and unlawful weapon charge."
Jay made a 'psssh' face. "I don't know why he's even wasting his time. Even if they charge me, it's a fine at most."
"Then you have nothing to worry about."
"I do actually," Jay corrected. "I don't care about the fine. I care about the bad press. I mean I don't but I know my father does and if I screw this deal up for him…..let's just say seeing him once a year is already too much. I don't need him making more appearances in my life."
"I hear that. So then tell me something," Antonio crossed his arms. "Why are you back working for your dad instead of where you really belong? Here?"
Jay shook his head. "Tonio," he warned, making it clear that he didn't want to talk about it.
"Oh come on," Antonio replied. "I've said nothing when you quit four years ago. I've kept my mouth shut all these years. Come on man, I'm your best friend. Remember our dream? The one we had about becoming detectives and getting into Intelligence? Now I'm alone up there when you're supposed to be up there too and watch my back. What happened to that?"
"That dream is dead Antonio," Jay replied harshly. "We were 22 and grinding our way through the Academy, naïve, thinking that we could actually make a difference out there. But I saw that we can't so why bother? Why risk my life when I can't change anything or save anyone? It's a waste of time."
Antonio got up in Jay's face, nostrils flaring. "I risk my life every day out there, knowing I can get shot or die at any second. And I do it because I believe that I'm making a difference. That I'm taking the risk to leave my wife and my children husband and fatherless because it's worth it. Don't insult the badge and what we do here Halstead."
An apologetic look came over Jay's face, filling him with remorse. "Antonio, I'm sorry," Jay offered. "It's….I know you guys are making a difference. It's just…it's not for me. Not anymore."
"Jay," Antonio shook his head. "You think I didn't see that look in your eyes when you were looking up at Intelligence just minutes ago? You belong here. You should be here." Antonio sighed. "Look, you don't have to tell me okay? I know why you quit. I know why your dreams of becoming a detective and Intelligence suddenly changed and you went back to Halstead Enterprises. I don't need you to say it. But maybe I need to say this. It wasn't your fault Jay." Antonio said, emphasizing every word so Jay would get it through his head. "What happened wasn't your fault. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for it. Stop punishing yourself."
Jay didn't respond, just staring at a spot behind Antonio, silent. Finally, he just gave Antonio a small smile and started to leave. "Nice talking to you Antonio. Thanks for the update about my case. I'll catch you later." He heard Antonio let out a frustrated sigh at his back but he didn't turn, just continued walking out of the precinct, Antonio's words bouncing around in his head.
He needed a drink.
He poured himself a scotch, swirling the dark liquid around before taking a sip, letting the liquor go down smoothly down his throat. He needed that, especially after the confrontation with Antonio and the memories that he dredged up. Antonio didn't need to voice it but Jay knew that he saw him as a coward—one that ran from his demons and was now hiding behind his name by working for a father he despised, in a business he had zero interest in. Maybe Antonio was right, most days Jay felt lifeless going into his large office in their high rise tower downtown.
He stood up, glass in hand, and headed toward his walk-in closet, walking over to the back corner where he kept it—his police blues. He'd figured it was best out of sight, out of mind but after his conversation with Antonio, he needed to see it. He unzipped the garment bag and pulled the uniform out, running his fingers over the badge and the star. Maybe he missed being a police, maybe he laid awake most nights thinking of what would have happened if he didn't quit and actually became a detective. But the facts remained that he did give up on his dreams.
"Oh sorry," Erin's voice interrupted his thoughts and he turned around and found her standing by the door of the closet, mid-stepped. "I didn't know you were in here."
"No," he cleared his throat. "It's fine. Come in." She nodded, taking off her coat and hanging it back up to where it usually hung. She rolled up the sleeves of her shirt and came over to where he was standing, looking at what he was holding in his hands.
"Your uniform," she said, crossing her arms and standing close to him. "I didn't know it was here."
"Yeah," he let out an empty chuckle. "I keep it in the back on purpose." She just nodded at his explanation, eyes studying him. Then she stepped even closer to him and reached out to touch the name badge that read 'Halstead' on the uniform.
"It looks nice," she commented, smiling at seeing the name tag but her smile dropping when she saw the look on his face. "Are you okay?" She reached out to hold his arm and get his attention. In the months she had known him and been around him, there was only one other time she had seen that look in his eyes and that was when she saw the pictures of him as a cop and with his mother. Clearly, there was something heavy he was still carrying about his time as a police officer. She wanted to take away that look in his eyes. The faraway look was the complete opposite of the usual snarky glint he had in his eyes and it looked like it didn't belong on him.
He just nodded in reply, still deep in thought. She gently grabbed the glass of scotch he was holding in his hand and placed it on the drawer. "No you're not." She held his arms, turning his attention from the uniform to her. "Tell me."
He gave her a soft smile, more sad than anything. "I don't want to trouble you."
"Hey," she called him. "We're friends right?" He nodded. "Then it's no trouble." He still looked hesitant and Erin sighed. "Jay, you took care of me the other night. You stayed up all night and made sure my fever went down. Was I troubling you then?"
"Of course not," he immediately denied. He liked taking care of her, that was the furthest thing from trouble in his mind.
She smiled like she got him right where she wanted. "Then why would it be trouble for me? I want to listen."
He nodded, giving in. "I went to visit my friend Antonio today. He and I..we went through the Academy together, got put together on the same beat as rookie cops. And we always had this goal that we were going to become detectives together and get in this specialized unit. Only I quit before we could achieve that goal. Now he's right where we said we'd be and I'm…working for my father. And today he asked me why I wasn't there with him and I…I couldn't answer."
Erin listened as Jay spoke, lost in his thoughts. She had been surprised when she found out that Jay used to be a cop, not really seeing the heir working at a job like that. She just envisioned him in boardroom meetings, sipping champagne and caviar while hobnobbing with other businesses, talking mergers and acquisitions. Not wearing police blues, shooting guns and protecting people in what was essentially a thankless job. She had been curious to know why he quit before but seeing him look at his uniform longingly, she found herself wanting to know everything about him.
"Had it always been your dream? Being a cop?"
He nodded. "Since I was 9. Of course when I told my father, he flipped at the idea. Screamed about how Halstead men aren't public servants and don't work lowly jobs. I swear, he wanted to kill me when he found out that I enrolled in the police Academy after I graduated Brown. Instead he cut me off, thinking that was going to get me to quit and go crawling back."
"Really?" Jay nodded. "Please tell me you told him to take his money and shove it?"
Jay laughed, turning to look at her for the first time. "I wish," he replied. "I just kinda stopped talking to him. Just stopped seeing him, not that he was ever around much anyways. I moved out, got a place with Antonio and just kinda grinded it out." The look of surprise was clear on Erin's face at the idea of Jay giving up his family money all just so he can be a police officer. "Don't look so surprised," he teased, giving her a small nudge with his shoulders. "Told you I'm not just a pretty rich brat."
"I don't remember calling you pretty," Erin retorted but Jay responded by just waving his hand over himself, as if it was already a given. Erin couldn't help but chuckled, happy at the fact that that haunted look in his eyes was disappearing little by little. She guessed it was helping him to open up and talk about what he was thinking, instead of drowning his sorrows in alcohol. "So why did you quit being a cop and went back to your dad?"
His smile faltered at her question and he looked down, sighing. "When my mom passed, I didn't just lose her. I lost myself and the only person that was supported me becoming a cop. When my dad cut me off, my mom kept on giving me money, told me that it was her family money so I wasn't taking a penny from my father. That it was her duty as a mother to take care of me. She supported me all the way, put me through the Academy until I became a cop and got my own salary. She said that she wanted to support my dream. When she was gone, I just didn't see the point in continuing. And I quit and crawled back to my father."
Erin gently patted his arms. "Jay, it's only understandable that you needed time after losing the most important person in your life. But it's been years since then. Do you ever think about going back? Becoming a detective?"
Jay sighed, rubbing his face. "I think about it all the time," he admitted quietly.
Erin nodded in understanding. "Then why don't you?"
"That's a good question." He exited the closet and sat down on the edge of his bed. Erin followed behind and sat down next to him. "I don't know."
She bit her lips, thinking about what she wanted to say. "Can I tell you what I think?" Jay nodded, turning his face so he was looking at her. "You're scared." His brows furrowed at her words so she continued. "You know why I wanted to become a nurse?" Jay shook his head. "It's not just a way that's going to get me out of South Side. I've always wanted to become a nurse since I was a little girl."
"Why?" he asked, genuinely interested in hearing more about her life. She had shared so little of herself so he wanted to take any opportunity she was giving him to get to know her more. To learn more about Erin Lindsay, everything if she allowed him to.
"I was about 9 and my mom brought home this real catch of a boyfriend. Not only was he a drug dealer, he was also a pimp on the side. A real winning combo," she joked but he didn't find it funny, listening to what she had to endure in her childhood. "Anyway one day they got into this argument and he started slapping my mom around. So of course I jumped in and tried to stop him. I must have been 50 pounds at most and I just jumped on his back, scratching and clawing everywhere I could to get him off my mother and he just swatted me away like I was a fly on his windshield. I cried so loud that the neighbors heard and called the cops."
"Tell me they arrested that bastard," Jay added, angry on her behalf. She just smiled at him, nodding.
"Not before he threatened to kill me and my mom and I was so scared that he was going to get me. Then the police officer who was on the call took me to the hospital to get checked out and I was hysterical the whole way there, screaming about how I didn't want to go and leave my mom. And there was this nurse there and she was the most gentlest person I've ever met in my life at that point," she recalled the nurse that treated her wounds, soft and kind and gave her a glimpse of affection that she didn't have in her life. "She calmed me down, treated the cut I got on my forehead and when I had to stay overnight for observations, she tucked me in that bed and sang to me. I had never felt safer in my life. And I just remember thinking, when I grow up I want to be just like her. I want to make other scared little girl feel safe just like she did for me."
He held her hand and intertwined their fingers together, meeting her with a soft smile when she looked back at him. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. It makes my life sounds like a fairytale compared to what you went through."
"No Jay," she protested, holding to his hand tighter. "I didn't tell you that so you can compare and minimize your problems. Your pain is real. What you went through is just as important as what I did. Don't diminish it. I only told you because I know how you feel. Being a nurse was my dream since then and I lost that dream for the longest time. I was comfortable hiding behind the diner, going from one easy job to another until I realize that I was never going to be truly happy if I didn't at least try to reach my dreams. So that's why I started saving up for the nursing course, I know I at least needed to give everything I could. And I think you should too."
"You think I should go back?"
Erin nodded. "I think you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you didn't at least try," she said, honestly. "I told you, I've never seen you smile like you were in those pictures. That says something right?"
Jay didn't say anything, instead he just stared at her. Slowly, a smile came across his face, eyes crinkling at the corner like she was becoming too fond of. He leaned in closer to her and her breath sharpened. She couldn't move away, too paralyzed by the closeness and the smile on his face."I don't know. I think I'm pretty happy right now. Here with you." Her face flushed at his words and she bit her lips, feeling him lean in closer and closer, eyes searching for permission. She knew if she just reach over just a bit, their lips would meet. But instead she jumped up off the bed, creating some distance between them. Jay's smile dropped, his face looking confused and hurt at her reaction. "Erin," he started, standing up and walking to her. But she backed away further, needing that space between them so she could think clearly.
"I'm going to get started on dinner," Erin said, interrupting him and running out of the bedroom, feeling Jay and his confused eyes on her back the entire time.
She dropped the bags on the kitchen counter, a big smile on her face like she had a big secret, catching Jay off-guard as he was flipping through his iPad. He looked up at her, frowning at the look she had on her face and she knew he was confused. After all, she was the one that had been avoiding him for the last two days after the moment they almost had in the bedroom. But she just couldn't face him just yet. Not after what happened.
There had been a moment, or at least she thought there had been a moment. But thinking back, she thought it was almost ridiculous that he looked like he was about to kiss her. In her mind, there was no way. She wasn't his type. She wasn't Ally. She was just Erin. So she had been embarrassed at how she reacted, just jumping off the bed and running away. She knew he must have been confused about how she had been acting these past few days but she needed to gather herself and let the embarrassment die down before she interacted with him again.
Except it had been harder than she thought it'd be. She didn't know when or how it happened but over the past three months, he got under her skin and she didn't know how big of a part he became in her life until he wasn't there anymore. She had missed him. She missed seeing his messed up hair in the morning as he stumbled into the kitchen at the last minute before he finally went into his office late, she missed him bringing her dinner from his favorite take-out places because he knew she'd never ask if he didn't, she even missed him annoying her, distracting her whenever she tried to study in the kitchen, asking her questions of what she was studying. She was tired of avoiding him and it had only been two days so she decided that she needed to suck it up and put on her big girl pants and just face him.
"What's all this?" he asked her, curiously looking at the bags she placed on the counter. She gave him a smile, pulling out all the books she had bought out of the bed. His eyebrows rose and he picked up a book and leafed through one of the book. "Detective Procedures?"
She nodded, taking a seat next to him. "You don't know how many old bookshops I had to go to find these but I finally did." He still looked confused so she elaborated further. "Jay, you gave me back a dream by getting me the tutor and finding out that I needed to get my G.E.D"
"Erin," he cut her off. "It was nothing. I just googled a few things."
"Yeah," she pulled out a booklet out of the bag—a large stack of papers bounded together. "So did I." She handed the booklet over to him and he took it, looking through the pages. "I just googled some practice exams for the detective exams, printed them and had a guy bound the pages together."
"Erin," he gasped, his voice almost in awe at what she did. "You didn't have to do this."
She shrugged, waving his thank off. "I can't get you a tutor so I figured this was the next best thing."
"Wha..why?" he asked, going through the pages, eyes almost in wonder. "You did this for me?" She nodded, smiling at his reaction. "Why?" he asked again.
She bit her lips. "Like I said, you gave me back my dream. I wanted to do the same for you." He looked into her eyes, unblinking. "I thought we could study together. Me for my G.E.D and you for your detective exam. I mean, it's no biology so you'd have to do the work yourself," she teased, causing him to grin. "This way, we both could get to our dreams, together."
The look he gave her was so piercing that she found herself in a trance, just lost in his eyes. It wasn't until he pulled her into a tight hug that she found herself snapping out of it, her arms going around in return. "Thank you," he whispered into her neck and he buried his face in it. She just nodded, her mouth unable to return any words. But it seemed as though he understood her anyway and he pulled her tighter to him even more.
"Focus!" Erin chided, pointing down at the books that was spread in front of Jay.
"I am!"
Erin rolled her eyes. "On the books, not my face!" Erin replied, feeling her face heating up under his stare. They were studying together in the kitchen, like they had been every night for the past week, and Erin had been caught up in a book until she felt eyes on her. She looked up and saw Jay just studying her when he should have been studying his practice exam. She didn't know how long he had been watching her but the heat of his gaze had gotten too hot for her that she needed to take his attention off of her.
He grinned, shrugging. "What can I say? You're more interesting than the books." Erin couldn't help but rolled her eyes again. He was such a flirt and obviously knew that he was charming.
"Yeah? I'm not going be on the exams so you should probably pay more attention to that," she said, pointing to his books instead. He just laughed, nodding and turning his attention back to his books. Now it was Erin's turn to study him. She smiled to herself as she watched him focus and get lost in a passage from the book.
"This is strange," Will said, walking in to the kitchen and finding both Erin and Jay with their heads buried in books, cups of coffee in front of them. "I can see Erin studying but you Jay? I think I walked into the wrong house."
"Yeah you did," Jay shot back, looking up from his books and sending Will an annoyed look. "You must have thought you were in your house, just walking in without knocking."
"That's why you gave me a key," Will grinned, holding up the copy of the key in his hands.
"Yeah, I'm regretting that," Jay sighed. "What are you doing here anyway?"
Will dropped the bags of food he brought on the counter. "Family dinner!" he said, enthusiastically, making himself at home by going over to the cabinet and pulling plates out. "Come on, put those books away from now. The chicken piccata is getting cold." He divided the food into three portions and sat down on the empty stool across from Jay and Erin.
"Thanks for the food, Will." Erin took a bite and savored the tasty dinner. "It's good."
"No problem," Will replied, looking pleased with himself. "At least someone's appreciative." He glanced over at Jay who just took another bite without acknowledging Will. "Come on, at least tell me how it is. It's a new restaurant so I wasn't sure if it'd be good."
"It's good," Erin confirmed for Will, nudging Jay to give Will a reply with her shoulder. He sighed and placed the fork down.
"It's good," Jay uttered, "I just hope that this doesn't mean you coming for dinner is going to become some weekly thing or something."
"Jay be nice," Erin chided, Will sending her an appreciative look and Jay a smug grin. "You're welcome here anytime. But didn't you say last week that you had a date?"
"Yeah," Will sighed.
"I guess it didn't go well?" Erin guessed, looking at the dejected look on Will's face.
"You'd be right. She was just so boring and dull."
"Sounds like a perfect match for you," Jay teased, snickering at Will. Erin just smacked Jay for teasing Will when he was obviously down, giving him a glare.
"I'm just sick and tired of dating the same type of girls. They're all the same. Daddy's girls, spoiled by their fathers their whole lives and think that now it's my job to spoil them. And all they want to talk about is who's throwing which parties or what to do to get in the society pages. All the while, I just want to pluck out all my nose hairs just so I know I'm still alive." Erin chuckled, amused at Will's rant.
"So why are you dating the same type of girls over and over again? Why don't you go for something different?" Erin questioned.
"I guess it's just expected of me, I guess. Of us," he replied, pointing at himself and Jay. "Date the girls that can advance the company, instead of love or compatibility. That's why our parents got married. Same with our grandparents." Erin felt a rush of sympathy towards them. Sure, they had everything they needed material wise growing up but she realized it must have been hard for them growing up with expectations just as extravagant as their wealth. Despite everything she had to go through, she didn't envy their lavish upbringing at all.
"Then why don't you break the pattern? Date a girl that you actually like. Do you have someone in mind?" Will blushed at Erin's words, directing his gaze down to his food. "You do! Who is she?" Even Jay looked interested in Will's answer, leaning forward to wait for his brother's reply.
"There is this doctor," Will mumbled, "I met her at this foundation gala I was attending. I don't know," he shrugged, trying to make it look like it wasn't a big deal. "There might be something there."
"Why didn't you ask her out?" Erin questioned.
"Yeah I think I will actually," Will declared. "Now that my problems are solved, let's talk about yours." Erin and Jay both shot him identical confused looks, wondering what the hell Will was talking about. "I meant how long are you two planning on hibernating in here? Jay, you know that once Ally found out that you got married, that meant everyone in our inner circle was going to find out too. And they have been ringing my phone non-stop, calling asking me when they were going to meet the new Halstead wife. That's you Erin," he looked at Erin as if it needed to be stated.
"People are too damn nosy," Jay griped, shaking his head. "They need to mind their own business."
"Yeah until that happens you two are going to have to start socializing, start making appearances at these parties. Especially with the holiday parties coming up, there are too many happening that I can't stop them from asking questions and you can't avoid them all."
"Wait a minute here!" Erin held her hand up. "I didn't sign up for parties. I hate parties!" There was no way she was going to put on a dress and a fake smile, rubbing elbows with these millionaires and billionaires. Not only was she going to stand out like a pig in a field full of horses, she didn't even have a dress to wear.
"I know and I'm sorry," Will apologized, actually sounding remorseful. "But it would really help us out. Not to mention, it'd be perfect practice for when you meet our father and that party is unavoidable." Erin sighed and looked over to Jay who was sending her an apologetic look.
"They won't be so bad," Jay offered, smiling sheepishly. "Plus these parties have open bars." He winked at her. She shook her head, unable to keep the smile off of her face. She cursed him and his stupid charm in her head because she knew there was no way she could say no to him.
"Fine," Erin gave in. "But I'm taking advantage of those open bars."
Erin had decided that not only Kim was her best friend, she was a lifesaver. After Erin had lost her mind for a second and agreed to actually attend these parties, she had gone through her closet and every clothes she owned and found nothing she could wear that would be appropriate enough for the party. Jay had assured her that they would ease in and start small—just a small Christmas party. But Erin still had nothing to wear so she had to call Kim for help and within the hour, Kim had arrived to Jay's place with dresses in tow, ready to help Erin.
"How about this red one?" Erin looked at the short red dress Kim was holding up, shaking her head.
"I don't think so. Red is a bit bold for the party isn't it?"
"It's a Christmas party!" Kim argued. "Red is seasonally appropriate. Just try it on!" Kim practically shoved the dress in Erin's hands and pushed her to the bathroom so she can change.
Minutes later, she emerged and Kim's jaw dropped. "You look so good!" Kim exclaimed, clasping her hands together. It was a red satin number, off the shoulder and flared out at the bottom. Simple but sophisticated enough that Erin wouldn't feel too out of place among the Chicago's Elites. "You're just missing one thing," Kim said, approaching Erin holding up a necklace.
"No, Kim I couldn't. The dress is enough that I can't borrow the necklace too." The diamond necklace was beautiful but it was way too fancy for Erin. Kim just rolled her eyes and insisted, helping Erin put it on. Erin looked at her reflection in the mirror and almost didn't recognize herself. She had done her make-up and hair before Kim came over, just simple eyeliner and red lipstick and her hair was placed into a low bun, almost as if she knew the kind of dress she'd be wearing. She put on the simple black open toed pumps she already had and turned to Kim. "Do I look okay?"
Kim gave her a wide smile, holding her arms. "You look beautiful." Erin smiled back at her friend, appreciating everything Kim had done for her. "Now I'm going to go. You have fun at that party."
They walked out of the guestroom where Erin was getting ready and into the living room. Erin stopped Kim and hugged her again. "Thanks again Kim, for everything." Kim just waved her thank off and Erin walked her to the door, stopping in their tracks when the front door opened and Jay walked in, his jaws dropping when he saw Erin.
"Wow," he gasped, unable to take his eyes off of Erin. Erin bit her lips, blushing under his stare. He was looking like her like she just fell out of the stars. "You look beautiful," he voiced, stepping closer to Erin, eyes still glued to her, trailing her body up and down.
"Thanks," she whispered back as he got closer to her, his eyes now meeting hers. They just stood there, staring at each other, mouths parted like they both had something to say but unable to voice the words out loud. It wasn't until Kim cleared her throat that the moment broke between them. "Oh right," Erin stepped back a little bit, getting some space between her and Jay. "Jay, this is my friend Kim."
"Hi," Kim waved at Jay, shooting knowing looks between the two spouses. Jay just smiled, eyes barely glancing over at Kim before going back to Erin immediately. Kim got the hint and wanted to make herself scarce as quickly as possible, feeling like an intruder in the intimate moment between Jay and Erin. "I'm going to go."
Erin turned her attention to Kim and walked her to the door. "Thanks again." She pulled Kim into a hug and released her, but not before Kim's whispered demands to tell her everything later fell on her ears. Erin just rolled her eyes, chuckling fondly at her friend before sending her off. She turned back to Jay, who was still looking at her like he had never seen her before. And maybe he hadn't. After all, her current look was a far departure from how she normally dressed.
"You look beautiful," Jay told her again, making Erin smile.
"So the dress is okay?" Erin asked, nervously. She had never been to a party like this before and she was nervous. Even though the marriage between her and Jay was fake, she still wanted to put out a good impression and she definitely didn't want to embarrass Jay among his friends and the people he dealt with daily. Jay walked over to her until he was close enough that she could smell the lingering scent of his cologne.
"You look perfect."
Erin had never been to a party like this before. Jay had told her that it was a small party but clearly she and Jay had different definitions of small because this was definitely not small to Erin. It was taking place at a huge mansion and as soon as they walked in through the foyer, there was a massive Christmas tree at the entrance. The whole stairwells was wrapped around with wreaths and lights and in the main ballroom where the party was gathered, there was a huge chandelier that hung from the ceiling and Erin couldn't take her eyes off of it. There must have been over 100 people in the ballroom, all dressed to their nines, and all of their eyes immediately fell on them as soon as they entered, hand in hand. Erin didn't know how to react, having never been in this situation before.
"Just stay by my side," Jay whispered in her ears, noticing how nervous she was being. He grasped her hand tighter and entered the party, a smile pasted on his face as he began making rounds, greeting people and introducing her as his wife to the elites of Chicago.
"We were quite surprised to hear that you of all people had gotten married Jay. It was very unexpected." That had been the common theme of the night, people coming up to them about how surprised they were that Jay had gotten married and to someone they didn't know—an outsider from their usual inner circle.
Jay chuckled. "Yes but when you know you've found the one, there is no need to wait," Jay replied smoothly, wrapping his arm around Erin's shoulder while both of them gave off identical smiles. Just like they practiced. So far they had been selling it. Too well, in Erin's opinions because her heart kept skipping whenever Jay would introduce her as his wife and tugged her closer to him and she almost forgot that they were just playing a role, getting lost in the fantasy of actually being married to Jay because he fell madly in love with her. But he would always shatter the fantasy by whispering how they got away with one in her ears, joking around about how gullible people were. Erin didn't say anything in reply, just smiled back as much as she could all while chiding herself for actually thinking that there might have been something more between the touches and whispers and small acts of affections between them. Jay was just acting and he was a far better actor than she'd thought. She was the one who needed improvement, needed to stop herself before she fell further into the delusion that their marriage was real when it was anything but.
By about the twelfth time that they had repeated the same story, Erin had enough of it and she needed some space. So she had given some half excuse about needing to the hit the open bar and left Jay's side. With a glass of champagne in her hand, she surveyed the room from the bar on the side. Of course her eyes automatically landed on Jay as she watched him talk to Will before a group of men joined them, shaking their hands. Jay looked like he was in his element and despite his talks about hating his job and his family business, he looked pretty comfortable in this world, rubbing elbows and talking business with other wealth people. She watched him scan the room until his eyes landed on her and questioned with his eyes how she was doing. She waved him off, gesturing that she was doing fine and letting him continue his conversation. She sipped her champagne, suddenly feeling like a fish out of water at this party when she didn't know anyone or understood half of what they were talking about. She had just ordered another glass of champagne when she was approached by a middle aged woman, face full of botox and hair coiffed up with enough hairspray to deplete the ozone layer. And Erin could tell by the look in this woman's eyes that Erin was being cornered, the woman having found the perfect opportunity to get Erin alone so she could grill her.
"Erin? Is it?" Erin nodded, giving the woman the best fake smile she could. "Why are you standing here by yourself in the corner instead of by your husband's side?"
"I figure it's best to leave the men to their business," Erin replied.
The woman just nodded, scanning Erin up and down. "You're right. Now it gives us a chance to get to know each other better. So tell me Erin, I don't know any Lindsays so what kind of business do your parents do?"
This was the question Erin was dreading, someone being nosy and trying to get pass the surface details her and Jay had built up of how they met. "They're not in business." Erin wasn't going to lie or make up details about who she was. She wasn't ashamed of where she came from or what she went through.
"Oh, then what do they do? What do you do?"
Erin took a sip of the champagne and cleared her throat. "I don't know about my father because I've never met him and I haven't seen my mother in about 15 years so" she shrugged. The smile on the woman's face dropped, as if she was scandalized by her answer. "And I'm a waitress."
It was funny, Erin thought to herself, how much a person can change in mere minutes. When this woman first thought that Erin had come from a good family with good upbringing—despite from not being their inner circle—she had been nice, maybe too nice, knowing that Erin was married to Jay and the Halstead money that came with it. But as soon as she learnt that Erin was nothing like she had thought with a dead beat father and an absentee mother and she, herself, was a waitress, the pretenses dropped and now she was regarding Erin like she was a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of her shoes.
"Oh my," the woman gasped, almost outraged. "how could Jay marry someone like you? His father would be absolutely besides himself and his poor mother, gosh. She'll be rolling over in her grave. Does he even know who you are or did you tell him lies to get him to marry you?"
Erin fumed, ready to tell this woman off but before she could even get a word out, Jay appeared next to her, his own face filled with ire.
"I assure you Mrs. Griffin, I am well aware." Jay spat out, angry on Erin's behalf.
"Jay," Mrs. Griffin laughed awkwardly. "Surely, you have made a mistake. I thought it was sudden that you got married but I was willing to let it go but after finding out this, well," she said, as if she was so concerned about Jay. "Just think of your parents and your standing here. Your poor mother."
Jay turned red at the mention of his mother. "Don't speak of my mother, Mrs. Griffin," Jay almost barked and Erin had to touch his arm to calm him down, not wanting him to make a scene at the party on her behalf. He calmed at her touch, taking a deep breath before continuing. "As for my father, frankly I don't give a damn what he thinks. Erin is my wife and I love her. That's all that matters to me and to her. If you can't be perfectly civil to my wife and give her the respect she deserves, then I suggest that you leave us alone and let us enjoy the party without your presence." Jay grabbed Erin's hand and pulled her away, not waiting to hear what the other woman had to say to defend herself. He was breathing hard by the time they reached to the other side of the party, cursing under his breath at how Erin was treated.
"Jay, it's okay," she said, trying to get him to calm down and not be so angry. "It was my fault."
He directed his eyes at her, anger in them so clear. "What?" he spat out. "How was it your fault?"
"I shouldn't have told her about my parents or what I did," she replied, looking down. "I should've made up something about who I really was. I should have known better."
"Hey," he called, gently lifting her chin so she was looking at him. "It's not your fault. If anything it's mine. I should've warned you about these vultures here. This is why I hate coming to these parties. These people only care about the most useless things. You shouldn't have to lie about yourself." He let out a breath, leaning in closer to her. "I know that we're lying about why we actually got married but that's the only lie I want to tell tonight. I don't want or need you to lie about yourself."
"I don't want to embarrass you or make you look bad in front of them."
He let out a small chuckle, shaking his head. "You can't." he assured her, hands coming up to her shoulder and softly kneading the skin. "Look at you. Look how beautiful you look. I'm the luckiest guy in here tonight because you're by my side and these people think that you're mine. People will talk, no matter what. So let them. I don't care." He looked out at the dance floor, his face splitting into a grin. "We might as well give them something else to talk about." She followed his gaze and saw the couples gathered out on the dance floor, closely dancing together, turning back to him with wide opened eyes. "Dance with me?" he whispered, holding his hand out.
"I can't," she bit her lips before quietly admitting. "I don't know how."
He let out a soft laugh, gently brushing a stray hair from her forehead. "Follow me. I'll teach you." She couldn't deny him and the hand he was holding out so she joined her hand in hands and followed him to the dance floor. The light from the chandelier was directly above them almost like their own spotlight, making her feel even more self conscious. But his smile was reassuring and his hands on her waist was electrifying that she couldn't pay attention to anything else but him. He pulled her close to him until she felt his hard chest against her and he intertwined their fingers together. The smile never left his face and he bent his head down and whispered "just hold on to me and follow me."
She nodded, tightening her hold on his hand. "Don't let me fall," she whispered and as she continue looking into his eyes, it became apparent to her that she didn't know if she was just talking about the dance alone or him in general. Because she felt like his piercing blue eyes on her and his strong hands in hers were all she needed to fall—fall further into this fantasy in her head of him and she was terrified.
"I won't let go." She smiled as she followed his lead, moving her feet alongside his as they began dancing to the soft music that filled the room. They glided across the dance floor, her dress flaring out wildly on the bottom as he led her, spinning her around until she laughed gleefully and she landed back in his arms. There was a twinkle in his eyes too, matching hers, and his hand gripped her waist tighter and her own hand tightened her hold on his strong shoulders. 'It was so easy' Erin thought as her body and feet swayed from side to side along the music. It was so easy to forget about the reality and just get lost in the moment—this moment between the two of them as they danced in the room full of people but both of them not seeing other people as if they were the only two people in the world. It was so easy, Erin thought as she tucked her head under his, to just think of herself as just a woman in love with her husband as they shared a dance, instead of waiting for the shoe to drop and she returned to reality of what they really were.
"I can't believe you two!" Will ran his hands through his hair, frustration growing when he saw Jay just being nonchalant about the whole thing, making himself a cup of coffee. "Are you listening to me Jay?" Will snapped.
"Yeah," Jay muttered. "You're throwing a tantrum in my kitchen. What else is new?"
Will looked like he was about to hit Jay, taking a step before stopping himself. He took a deep breath, trying to control his anger. "Tell me something," he started. "Just why the hell would you two think it's a good idea to let out the fact about Erin's past at the party? Do you know just how much damage control I had to do when you guys left? I had people coming up to me left and right, talking about how concern they were for you. About how Erin was after your money!"
Erin stopped in her step as she was about to enter the kitchen. She had heard Will came in earlier and she was about to join him and Jay in the kitchen, thinking he was over for another one of his "family dinner", a tradition she was becoming quite fond of. But when she heard Will's angry shouts with Jay's blasé reply, she had been intrigued, that intrigue only peaking when she heard her name being said. So she just hid behind the wall, out of sight, so she can listen to what they were saying about her.
Jay chuckled. "Well, you know that she's not. Not really anyways so don't worry."
Will grunted. "It's not…I'm not worried about Erin being a gold digger! I'm worried about how the rest of society is going to see this marriage. Most of our friends and business partners were already not happy that you married a stranger instead of one of their daughters. And now that they found out that Erin's nothing but a waitress, they're talking even more about what a mistake the marriage was, how you married beneath you." Erin sucked in her breath, trying her best to not let Will's comment get to her. She knew she had messed up when she told Mrs. Griffin about who her parents were and what she did but the strange sense of pride she had that night had stopped her from making up more lies about herself. What was she supposed to say? She was some socialite from another part of the country and that her parents were too busy traveling the world in their private jet? That wasn't her.
"People really need to mind their own business," Jay muttered angrily.
Will rolled his eyes. "What? Are you new here? New to the world we live in? I told you and Erin to come up with a good story, a solid one but you guys didn't. Now I'm left cleaning up your mess!"
"We did come up with a good story!" Jay argued.
"Yeah of how you guys met!" Will shot back, just as angry. "But not about anything else!"
Jay slammed his hands down on the counter. "That's because I'm not going to have Erin lie about who she is! She shouldn't have to hide who she really is!"
"If she is married to a Halstead then yeah, she does," Will countered. He sighed, his anger dissipating a little. "Look Erin's great okay? I like her a lot but this whole thing between you guys, it's not real. And who Erin really is, a waitress at some diner in the ghetto, that's fine for who she is but that's not what people think of when they think of a Halstead wife and in the time she is married to you, she needs to fit into your world and who she really is doesn't fit in. She doesn't belong in our world Jay. So if that means lying about her past then that's what you guys should've done." Erin didn't need to hear anymore. Despite trying not to feel hurt by Will's words, she couldn't stop the tears from glistening in her eyes. She had thought that she and Will were good friends and despite everything, that he saw her as an equal. But hearing that judgment in his voice, it was clear that he clearly saw her as beneath him, not good enough for Jay and his world. She wiped away the tear that fell down and walked away quietly, her appetite suddenly gone after hearing the conversation.
Jay scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. "Be careful there Will. You're starting to sound a lot like dad," Jay sneered. "I'm done talking about this. It's too late to take back what was said anyways. So people found out that Erin was a waitress before she married me and her parents are who they are. They'll get over it. If not then that's their problem."
Will bit his lips, holding back his words before finally sighing. "Whatever Jay. At least you guys are only married for a couple of more months then you can get a divorce and put this whole thing behind us." Jay snapped his head up, looking like he had been slapped by Will's words.
"Yeah," he murmured, sadness coloring his tone. "Just a couple of more months left."
"You're not dressed yet?" Jay asked, looking confused at Erin who was still in her usual outfit while he was already in his suit. They had another party to attend tonight and Erin had been debating with herself all day on whether or not she should even attend. She had borrowed another dress from Kim just in case but hadn't put it on. She dreaded the thought of going to yet another party where she was sure there'd be people waiting to judge her.
"I was thinking that maybe I should skip this one?" Erin replied, tucking her hand in her hoodie's pocket. "That it's better for you to go by yourself."
"Erin, what's going on?"
Erin shrugged. "I just don't want to bring any negative attention to you and I just know that Mrs. Griffin or whatever her name is already told everyone about who I really am. I just don't want you to have to bring me and face the scrutiny."
Jay's eyes narrowed at her explanation and he stood in front of her, looking down at her while she sat on the couch. "Do you think I'm ashamed of you or something?" Erin was taken aback by the hurt that was in his voice that her head snapped up to study his face, seeing the look of hurt flashed across his eyes. She was at a loss for words, not knowing how to reply to his accusation. She didn't really think that he was ashamed of her, per se. But Will was right. They had come from such different worlds and she didn't fit in his and the party and the people that attended it were just going to be there to highlight it even more.
Erin had never thought much about where she came from, at least not as anything to be ashamed of. Sure, she realized that she came from the bad part of the city—the ghetto if she was being blunt—but she was too focused on getting out for survival's sakes instead of the optics and how it would look to other people around her. And aside from a few harmless comments here and there from Jay that highlighted their stark different upbringings, Jay never made her feel like she was out of place either. It wasn't until she put on the red cocktail dress and stood alongside the wealthiest of Chicago that she realized just how out of place she was.
"No," she replied honestly. "I don't think you're ashamed of me. But I just don't want to bring any trouble to you."
He didn't say anything, instead just sitting down in front of her on the coffee table. "Erin, in case you haven't noticed, I don't really care about what other people say. I mean you're looking at a guy that his dad cut off because he wanted to become a cop. Do you think I care about what all these other stuck up people say?" He reached for her hand that was in her pocket and pulled it out, rubbing circles in her palm. "Please come. For me? I only survived the last party because you were there to keep me from dying from boredom. How am I supposed to get through this one without you? I promise, I'll punch anyone out that even think about making a comment to you." She laughed, unable to stop herself, and sighed, giving in.
"Okay," she relented, unable to deny him when he was looking at her like that.
Erin quickly realized that wealthy people had their own game, their own way of making you feel terrible about yourself. They didn't do it outright like she was used to. Instead they had a whole another level for passive-aggressiveness where they didn't make snide remarks to her face. No, they gave her fake smiles as they came over to greet her and Jay. Then when Jay had his back turned or when he wasn't looking, they gave Erin the cold shoulders and Erin saw a group of the women gathered across the room, clearly whispering about her to each other. Whereas at the other party, people were practically clamoring to talk to Erin and find out more about her and Jay, they ignored her like she was a pariah at this party, staying far away but still gossiping about her all the same. But as Erin couldn't confront them outright, she just gritted her teeth and pasted a fake smile on her face while not letting the stinging tears in her eyes fall. There was no way she was going to give any of them the satisfaction of knowing that they got to her. Erin might not have money or a good upbringing but she still had her pride.
"You okay?" Jay asked, worriedly as he handed her a glass of champagne. She downed the alcohol quickly and nodded. He still looked concerned about her, not believing her, but before he could say anything Will came over to where they stood.
"Jay, Erin." Will greeted them. Jay returned his greeting with a small nod, still acting cold towards his brother for their conversations the other day. And Erin did the same. She couldn't help but acted differently around the older Halstead brother after hearing what he really thought of her. Will slightly faltered at the way Erin responded to him, different from her usual warm smiles but he quickly recovered. "I just came over because I wanted you guys to meet Natalie." He waved his hand over and a woman came over to where they were standing. "Jay, this is Natalie, my date for the night. Natalie, this is my brother Jay and this is Erin. Erin is.." Will paused slightly.
"My wife," Jay finished for Will, nothing but certainty and pride in his voice. "Erin is my wife." If Natalie noticed the tense moment between the two brothers, she didn't let on, just shook their hands normally.
"Natalie is the doctor that I mentioned." Erin nodded, smiling at Natalie who seemed nice enough. It was clear that like her, Natalie didn't come from their world either but with the title of the doctor, Natalie carried herself with enough confidence to get by and the title had enough pull among the wealthy that Will didn't need to lie about who his date really was. Erin was really becoming mad at herself. This wasn't her. She didn't go around, comparing herself to others nor was she one to let other's words get to her. She didn't know why she was being like this but she hated it all the same.
"Nice to meet you Natalie," Jay just said, grabbing Erin's hands. "But excuse us, I have something to show Erin." They didn't wait for Will's response before leaving the room. They exited the house and Erin followed Jay as he led her outside, not telling her where they were going. They walked further and further from the main house and into the massive backyard, surrounded by trees and a garden.
"Jay?" she called his name, wondering where he was taking her without a word. He just looked back at her and smiled, telling her without words to trust him. So she did, following his lead until they stopped in front of the small pond—now frozen from the winter—in the backyard of the house, trees around the pond decorated with lights. "What's this?"
Jay didn't respond, instead he walked over to the bench that was nearby and picked up the two pairs of ice-skates that were on it, walking back over to her with an excited grin on his face. She looked back at him, shock clearly on her face. "Ice skating?" she chuckled, almost in disbelief. "Is this even okay here?"
He nodded. "This is Mouse's house. You've met Mouse right?" Erin nodded, still looking at Jay in disbelief. "His family usually have their family's kids over to play ice hockey here. But I thought you and I could take advantage of that and just go ice-skating," Jay explained, handing over a pair of ice skates to Erin.
"What about the party?"
Jay shrugged. "What about it? We've made a long enough appearance there, don't you think? Besides I can't stand anyone in there. I'd rather be out here with you. Unless of course, you'd rather be inside.."
"No!" Erin answered him immediately, causing him to laugh. She looked at the ice skates she was holding in her hands. "It's just.." she paused, biting her lips.
"What?"
"I don't know how to ice-skate," she admitted quietly. Jay nodded understandingly, holding out his hand and leading her over to the bench. He sat her down and knelt down in front of her, taking off her shoes for her and putting the ice skates on for her, lacing up the shoes. She could only look at the top of his head as he concentrated, making sure the skates were on tight and when he looked back up at her, she felt her breath being taken away. He mistakened the sudden inhale of breath as her being cold so he stood up, taking off his suit jacket and wrapping it around her bare shoulders. Then he worked on getting his own skates on.
"Ready?" he asked her, standing up and holding out his hands so he could help her up. She still looked nervous and unsure at him and he just gave her a reassuring smile, pulling her up gently and holding her close so she wouldn't fall. "I got you." He promised as he led her slowly over to the pond. She stepped onto the ice and immediately almost slipped but just as he promised, he was there to catch her and hold her up, her arms going around him in an attempt to not fall down. He laughed at her predicament and she just returned a glare at him, muttering how it was his idea that she was like this in the first place.
The residual of his laugh sounded in her ears and he pulled away slightly so she could stand properly on the ice. "You got this," he encouraged her, holding her body weight up as she tried to stand without falling on the ice. "Okay, hold onto me and just move your feet." She did as he instructed and slowly moved her feet, pushing each one off to move forward. He was holding onto her, giving her a sense of security as she moved slowly, following his lead. They stayed close to the bank of the pond, letting her get her bearings before they ventured out to the middle.
"You're doing great!" Jay cheered but he spoke too soon as she moved too fast on one foot and lost her balance. Her feet tried to remain steady on the slippery ice but couldn't and she toppled over to the edge of the pond into the pile of snow, pulling Jay down with her, his body landing in a loud thud next to her, kicking off the pile of snow until it landed on them everywhere.
She looked over at him worriedly about being hurt but as she watched him sputter snow out of his mouth, wiping the white stuff away with his hand, she couldn't stop the laughter that came out. Pretty soon, the barely held back snickers became full on laughs and she laid back down on the ground, laughing at the indignant look on his face. He was still spitting out snow and looked over at her in disbelief before his own face broke out into laughters too, joining her.
"Alright," he finally said, controlling himself. "That's enough laughing at my expense, especially when I only fell because of you!"
She took a breath, trying to stop laughing. "It's not my fault!" she argued. "I told you I don't know how to ice-skate!"
"Mmmhmm," he just hummed, nodding and giving into her. He rested his weight on his elbow and turned to his side so he could look at her. She looked up at him, the sky full of stars on the back of him yet even the brightest star in the sky didn't match the light that were his eyes, staring down at her. He didn't say a word, just continued looking at her as she laid in the snow, eyes on eyes. Finally, he moved away and stood up, wiping the snow off of himself. Then he reached out his hand and waited for her grab it so he could help her up. He pulled her from the snow until she was standing again, face to face with him. He gave her a tender gaze, slowly reaching out his hand to wipe away the snow that had gathered in her hair before trailing his hand down to wipe away the snow that had fallen on her face.
"Come on, you almost got it," he said, breaking the moment between them and he led her back out on the ice. "This time, try not to think so much about falling. You're being so tense that you're having a hard time balancing. Just listen to your body and hold onto me and you'll get it." Erin nodded, trusting in Jay's words and followed his instructions.
"I almost got it! Watch!" Erin paused and readied herself before she pushed off on one leg and spun around, quickly trying to regain her balance after completing a spin. "Oh my god! Did you see that? I so got it!," she shouted excitedly as he skated over to her, Erin reaching out to hold onto his shoulders immediately, an excited look on her face. Jay had an equally excited look on his and he clapped, cheering her on.
"You did," he said. "You totally got it!" They had been skating out here for hours already and by the second hour, Erin had gotten the hang of ice skating. But of course Erin being Erin, she wanted to push herself and had been determined to do at least a complete spin on the ice. Jay was hesitant at first, not wanting her to get hurt but she had been stubborn so he had let her be, encouraging her by her side instead. She had fallen a few times already but always waved his help off, wanting to do it by herself. But he just bit his tongue, hands reaching out but stopping himself every time she had fallen over. She had been adamant about wanting to do this herself so he knew he needed to back off. And after a couple of hours and many more times of Erin falling on her ass, she had finally got it.
The look on her face was blinding and he felt equally proud of her as she was of herself. That was he had come to admire so much about Erin-just how determined she was about everything and how she never gave up. He was so proud of her so he voiced it, his arms still around her while she had her arms around his neck. She smiled back, showing off those dimples that he had fallen for and he lost his breath and his train of thoughts and he was rendered speechless, unable to do anything but keep on staring into her eyes.
She blinked, dimples unwavering and she leaned her head. "Thank you," she whispered so close to him that her breath ghosted over his face.
"What for?"
She licked her lips. "For always teaching me new things. Giving me new experiences that I've never had before." He sucked in a breath, her voice sounding so sincere that he didn't know how to respond. He swallowed, wanting to let her know his own appreciation for her.
"Thank you," he said, leaning in even closer. She looked confused so he elaborated. "For showing me what it's like to not give up on anything." He took a risk and brought his hand up to brush her hair and tucked it behind her ears. She remained silent, mouth parted at his action. "For being you."
He remained lost in her eyes, the power of her gaze and the pull she had on him. He didn't want to take his eyes off of her, his body away from her. She belonged in his arms, he was sure of it and he never wanted to let her go. But something shifted in her eyes and he knew the moment was fleeting away. It was like the walls had came back down around them and he felt her pull away, getting some distance from him and she was looking at everywhere but him. He tried not to feel disappointed and hurt at her actions. He had thought they were having a moment like they've been having lately but each time, something had pulled her away and he was left wondering if he was just imagining the change in their relationship in his mind or if she felt it too. But for every instance that he thought she felt the same, there had been another instance where she proved the opposite. And he didn't know what to do.
"It's getting late," she said, her voice sounding strange and she had her arms around herself as if she was protecting herself—from him. So he just sighed and conceded.
"Let's go home," he said, not wanting to do anything but spend the rest of the night out here with her under the stars and the soft lights from the tree.
"Okay last question. Let me make it a good one," Erin flipped through the booklet she made for Jay as he sat across from her, elbows on the counter.
"Shoot!" he said, confident that he was going to get the answer right. She just gave him an evil grin over the book as she looked for the hardest question she could find.
"Alright, evidence is divided into three classifications: direct, real and circumstantial. What is an example of a direct evidence?"
He gave her a scoff. "Really? That's your idea of a difficult question? At least make it hard for me."
"Okay smart guy," Erin countered. "Then what's the answer?"
"A testimony of an eyewitness describing something he observed." He smirked at her, knowing he was right. She wrinkled her nose, groaning that he got it right. "See, I'm brilliant."
"That was way too easy," Erin muttered, flipping through the book again for an even more harder question. But Jay grabbed the book and placed it down despite Erin trying to pull it out of his reach.
"No way! That's not fair! Now it's my turn to ask you a question." She crossed her arms, gesturing him to shoot her a question. "Alright, what is the difference between mitosis and meiosis?"
She thought over the answer. "Mitosis gives off identical cells to each other and the mother cell while meiosis leads to genetic variations due to crossing over and independent assortment." She looked over at him expectantly and he put the book down, nodding.
"You got it!" She grinned proudly over at him. "Now you don't have to worry about being behind in class and not knowing the difference between the two." She just chuckled, recalling the conversation they had before about her fear of being the dumb kid in class. "You're going to kick ass on this test Erin. I just know it. And when you pass this test, I'm taking you out for the biggest steak in Chicago."
"And when you pass for detective exam? What do you want?"
A boyish grin overtook his face. "Your spaghetti, definitely," he replied without having to think. "That'll be my special present."
She looked over at him fondly. Despite all the fancy parties they've been to lately, this was her favorite way of spending time with him. Just the two of them in their kitchen, studying. There were no need for pretenses here, no need to put up an act for strangers around them. They were just themselves, helping each other get to their dreams and it was everything Erin needed.
Erin wrung her hands nervously as she entered the party. She had almost gotten used to attending one holiday parties after another with Jay but this one was different. This party was being thrown by the Applegates, the family that Halstead Enterprises was about to complete a deal with and one of the main reason why they had gotten married in the first place. And not only that, she was finally about to meet Jay's father. Jay had been trying to put this off for the longest time, not wanting Erin to deal with his father but his father was going to be at this party, to complete the deal so there was no way to avoid him. Hence, the nerves that were filling Erin's stomach.
She knew she wasn't the only one feeling this way. Jay had been tugging at his tie the whole night and even Will was acting strangely. It was almost ridiculous just how much hold their father had over them. Erin had gotten a new dress for the party—actually Jay had gotten her a new dress. Not to mention, shoes and the beautiful jewelry set that currently adorned her neck, ears and wrists. She was content to just go with another borrowed dress from Kim but Kim was adamant on buying something new since she didn't have a dress that was fancy or appropriate enough for the party. This wasn't just another cocktail party, this was practically a ball, not that Erin had ever been the one. So Erin had been browsing the internet, looking for a dress that she could actually afford when Jay had caught her and asked her what she was doing. She had given him a vague answer but he saw right through her, slapping his forehead and blaming himself for not thinking of it sooner. She had insisted that she wanted to pay for her own dress, not wanting to use his money but he was insistent—claiming that she was the one who was doing him a favor and there was no way he was going to let her pay for the dress.
He wouldn't let her argue, just quickly getting on his phone and making arrangements for her. And the next day, she and Kim had been whisked off to shopping adventure of a lifetime. The driver had instructions from Jay on where to take Erin and at the stores, the salesgirls already knew what kind of event she was going to and what she was looking for. Erin had tried to get a peek at the prices, not wanting to spend an exorbitant amount on a dress she was probably only going to wear once, but apparently Jay had already beaten her to the punch and instructed the salesgirls to not let Erin see the prices. Instead he wanted her to choose a dress that she loved, that she felt beautiful in and when she stepped into the floor length crimson gown, held together by thin straps in the back, leaving most of her back bare, she knew it was the dress. With a few diamond jewelry and a pair of shoes that cost more than Erin made in a month, her whole ensemble was complete. And judging by the way Jay reacted when he first saw her, jaw dropped and eyes filled with a type of hunger that she hadn't seen before in his eyes, she knew she made the right choice.
"You'll be fine." Jay squeezed her hands, reassuring her. Erin could only nod as she followed him down the steps to the party. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned to her, earning a curious look from her. "You look so beautiful tonight. I just wanted to tell you that again."
She blushed like a schoolgirl under his appreciative gaze, feeling his eyes on her body like he was undressing her with his eyes. There was a electric charge between them as she gazed back at him, equally appreciative of how handsome he looked tonight in his black tux, hair slicked back, clean shaven and the red ascot in his pocket, standing out against the black background.
"If you two could stop having sex with each other with your eyes, Dad's here and he's looking for you." Will interrupted them with his presence, Erin blushing even more, looking down at the ground while Jay shot daggers at Will. But Will wasn't even pay attention, just pulling Jay and Erin towards the party. "Dad, Jay's here."
Erin took in a deep breath as she found herself in front of a man, late fifties with graying hair, making his already stern face even more stern. He was intimidating, that was for sure, as he barely glanced over at Jay before his eyes landed on Erin, scrutinizing her under his stare. Erin tried to hold her head up, not wanting to see this man think he could intimidate her.
"Jay," was all he said, giving Jay a slight nod. "I had to hear from your brother that you got married without my knowing. I'm guessing this is the wife?"
Jay returned an equally tight nod. "Dad, I like you to meet Erin, my wife. Erin, this is my father Patrick Halstead."
"It's so nice to meet you Mr. Halstead," Erin said, trying to be nice to him for Jay's sakes. "I am sorry that you weren't able to be there for our wedding but it happened so suddenly that we weren't able to have our friends and family attend."
Pat Halstead grunted. "From what I have been hearing around here, you don't have much of a family that would've attended the wedding anyway." Erin didn't know how to respond so she just remained quiet.
"Dad," Jay warned.
"And I also heard that you are a waitress," Pat continued, ignoring Jay's warning. "Is that correct?" Erin nodded, holding her head up. "Is that what you are still doing? Or plan to do for the rest of your life?"
"No," Erin replied. "I'm actually studying for my G.E.D and starting nursing courses soon."
"A nurse," Pat almost spat out, like it was something to be embarrassed of. "I guess it is a step up from being just a waitress."
"Dad!" Jay cut him off again.
"What?" Pat asked, as though he was innocent. "I'm just trying to get to know my daughter-in-law here. A daughter-in-law that I knew nothing about before you married her. Erin doesn't mind right?" Erin shook her head, not wanting to make waves between the two men. "See," he turned back to Jay. "Now I've heard from Will that you have been taking more initiative in the family business. That you practically closed this Applegate deal by yourself." Jay nodded. "That's good to hear son. Despite some questionable choices you have made with your life," Erin held her tongue back, trying not to let the snide remark bother her, "I am glad to see you becoming more involved with the business. I'm proud of you son." Pat held out his hand and Jay shook it, surprise written in his face that his dad was actually praising him for once. Erin watched as the father and son interacted, realizing that the crux of the problem between them was Jay feeling like he was never good enough in his father's eyes. But the small approval his father had given him had seemed to melted some of the ice between them and the three Halstead men stood, actually in a civil conversation with each other for the first time in years.
"You wanna dance?" Erin took Jay's offered hand as he led her out to the dance floor. She rested her hand on his shoulders as his hand came around her back, fingers dancing along the bare smooth skin that was left exposed by the dress. "Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?" Jay said, pulling her close.
"Once or twice," she replied. "But it's something a girl could never hear enough of."
He grinned, bending his head down so their faces were just inches away from each other. "You're so beautiful. You're the most beautiful woman in this room, not just tonight but every night." She shivered slightly as he reached up to brush her hair away, his eyes gazing down at her mouth. She parted her lips, almost inviting him to just reach and kiss her like she wanted him to but he held himself back, Erin trying not to feel disappointed at that. Instead he pulled her even closer to him and she laid her head on his shoulder as they continued their slow dance to the song.
The party had been going well enough in Erin's opinion. Most of the people were still ignoring her, pretending that she didn't exist but she had learned to brush them off just the same. She wasn't going let them bother her anymore. Beside Jay was acting like her protector, not leaving her side, daring with his eyes to let someone come and bother her. Erin saw Pat approach them again and she instinctively stepped closer to Jay. There was just something about Jay's dad that unnerved her and she knew that despite the nice act that he had put on earlier, he definitely didn't approve of her being married to Jay.
"Jay," their attention was directed to the other side where two women approached them.
"Mrs. Applegate, Fiona." Jay greeted them, trying to be polite.
"Pat!" The mother greeted as Jay's dad arrived next to them. "How have you been?"
"Very good Linda," Pat replied, greeting the mother-daughter duo affectionately. "Fiona. Both of you are looking even more beautiful than before."
"Oh you've always been such a sweet talker," Linda gushed. "Now I know where your boys got it from."
"Jay," Fiona spoke up, calling their attention to her. "I was wondering if you could spare me a dance? Like old times?" Both Linda and Pat looked excited at the prospect while Erin tried not to glare at the woman asking brazenly asking her husband for a dance in front of her.
"Um actually," Jay replied, about to deny Fiona's request but Erin had caught the look on Pat's face and her flashing back to the moment earlier when Pat had praised Jay and the look that was on Jay's face. She knew that if Jay had denied Fiona this request, it would just create more tension between Jay and his father and she didn't want to be the reason for that.
"It's fine," Erin spoke up, trying to give a convincing smile that she was okay with Jay dancing with Fiona. "Go ahead." Jay still stood in place, shaking his head.
"No it's okay," Jay spoke over her, shaking his head, not wanting to leave Erin's side.
"Jay, it's just a dance!" Pat interrupted them. "It's not like you two are going to get married just from a dance. Besides, Erin doesn't mind right?" He looked over at Erin who just nodded. "See, she's fine with it."
Jay still looked unsure, not moving even with Fiona practically tugging on his arms at this point. Erin knew she needed to push him to get him to go so that was what she did. "Go Jay," she said, pushing him slightly into Fiona. "I'll be fine." She felt Jay's gaze on her the entire time as he reluctantly left, following Fiona out on the dance floor. Pat just smiled, satisfied at seeing the two out on the dance floor.
"Shall we get a drink ourselves?" Linda asked Pat and the two of them left, not even bothering to greet Erin like she didn't exist. Not that she minded, her eyes were too busy watching as Jay danced with Fiona, the people around them looking at them though they were the perfect couple. As if Erin was at a prom and everyone was gushing over the Prom King and Queen while she just watched by the sideline.
"You know I thought that I was going to end up with Jay," Erin turned her head to see Ally standing next to her, her eyes also on Jay and Fiona. "But when that didn't happen, I just thought it was going to be them two." Erin didn't reply, just pretended as though she wasn't listening. "It's a shame," Ally continued, not even caring that Erin was trying to ignore her. "Their parents were really set on them getting married. I think that's why the Applegates even agreed to their deal in the first place. That they were entering into a business deal with their future in law. You could tell just how surprised everyone was when we found out that Jay had married you, a waitress. I mean talk about the scandal of the year." She chortled as if it was amusing. "You know Fiona speaks five languages and graduated with honors from Harvard. I mean that's the type of skills you need to be married to someone like Jay Halstead. Could you just imagine just how much her language skills would have came in handy when he negotiate major deals with foreign companies? How many language do you speak Erin? Let me guess. Two. English and whatever type of English they speak in the ghetto."
"Are you done now," Erin spat, turning her eyes away from Jay and Fiona and back to Ally.
"I'm just speaking the truth here," Ally said, too sweetly. "That's the type of girls Jay should be with, someone on his level, someone sophisticated, wealthy, beautiful. Not some waitress from the bad side of town."
Erin rolled her eyes and glanced back at Ally. "It doesn't matter if I'm in the picture or not Ally, it's not going to change the fact that Jay would have never picked you anyway. You can stand here and pretend that you're not fuming with jealously at seeing him with someone else but we both know the truth."
Ally glared at her. "And you're not jealous?"
Erin smiled, shaking her head. "No he could dance with her all he wants because the person that he's coming home with at the end of the night is me." With that, she walked away, leaving Ally with gaping mouth.
'Fuck this!' Erin thought to herself, needing to walk away and get herself a drink. She stalked over to the bar and ordered herself a glass of scotch, needing something strong to wash away this tight feeling inside her chest. Despite her trying her best not to look jealous in front of Ally, now that she was by herself she couldn't deny that she was jealous and hurt. She knocked back the alcohol and asked for another one immediately. She needed to be drunk if she was going to get through the rest of the night. And when the bartender placed another glass in front of her, she quickly knocked that back too, reveling in the burn as the liquid went down her throat. At least the burn from the alcohol was better than the burn she felt in her chest.
"Whoa, I know these parties suck but you should take it slow," a guy said, coming over next to Erin. Erin barely spared him a glance before helping herself to a third glass. "Hey," the guy pulled the glass back. "I'm serious. Take it easy. This is the hard stuff."
"Thank for the concern but I can handle my liquor," Erin bit back, brushing the guy's hold on the glass.
"Suit yourself," the stranger held his hand up, conceding. "So are you going to share what has you knocking these back like they're jello shots?"
"Nope!"
He chuckled. "Come on, I've been told that I'm a good listener."
Erin turned to look at him and rolled her eyes. "No offense but I don't talk to strangers about my feelings."
"I'm Kelly Severide," he said, introducing himself. "Now I'm not a stranger." Erin just shook her head, annoyed by this Kelly who obviously thought he had more game than he thought. But she just wanted him to leave her alone and let her wallow in her misery by herself. "Now what's your name?"
"I'm married." Erin held up her ring finger, hoping that he'll see her fake wedding ring and would leave her be. But instead he got even closer to her.
"Yeah? So?" She scoffed, shaking her head at this guy. "A ring on your finger doesn't mean anything. At least not to these people here." He reached over and trailed his fingers up her arms, giving her a seductive look. "So why don't we leave your husband and just go have some fun? Because the way I see it, if he left you alone while you look this good, he doesn't deserve you anyway." Kelly leaned in closer to Erin and before she could push him off and tell him to get the fuck away from her, Jay stepped in, pushing Kelly's hand off of her arm and pushing him away so hard that Kelly stumbled.
"Hey!" Kelly shouted, Jay's sudden appearance taking him by surprise. "What the fuck?!"
Erin had never seen Jay look this pissed off before, he was practically red with anger. "Stay the fuck away from my wife! She already told you to back off!"
Kelly just chuckled, holding up his hand. "Hey, I was just trying to keep your wife company. She was looking so lonely here."
"That's not your problem!" Jay gritted, getting in Kelly's face. The last thing Erin wanted tonight was to cause a scene, not with Jay's father being there so she knew she had to stop this fight before it got out of control. She stepped in between them and held Jay back by placing her hands on his chest.
"Let it go Jay!" she ordered, trying to get his attention away from Kelly. "I'm okay. Let's just get out of here!" Jay was still glaring at Kelly, looking like he was ready to punch him out. "Hey!" Erin reached up and held Jay's head and directed his gaze down to her, his eyes cloudy with anger. "Please, let's go. Get me out of here." It was like he heard the pleading in her voice and saw the tiredness in her eyes and he calmed down enough and nodded. He sent a final glare at Kelly's way before grabbing her hand and led her out of the party.
The entire car ride had been silent, tension mounting between them. Erin didn't feel like saying anything so she just placed her forehead on the car windows, watching as the buildings passed them by outside. The entire night had been a disaster and really, she just wanted to get in bed and just sleep the night away. She didn't want to think anymore about Jay's father or the image of Jay and Fiona dancing together or Ally's words that had been playing over and over again in her head.
They finally arrived back home and Jay opened the door, letting Erin in. Erin just wanted to get inside her guestroom as quickly as possible but it seemed as though Jay had a different plan in mind.
"Can we talk?" Jay called out, trying to stop her. She sighed and turned around.
"I'm really tired Jay. Can we do this tomorrow?"
He shook his head, taking off his tux and tugging his tie loose. If it were any other occasion, Erin would have paid more attention to how hot he looked right then, just disheveled but her heart was heavy and occupied and the voice inside her head about how he wasn't really hers and how she wasn't good enough for him was getting louder by the minute.
"Why were you flirting with Kelly Severide?" She looked at him in surprise, at how he almost sounded like he was hurt.
"I wasn't flirting with him!'
"It sure looked like it from where I was standing!" Jay shot back. "I mean he had his arm on you and if you two were standing any closer, you'd be on his lap."
Erin scoffed, anger mounting inside of her. "Are you kidding me right now? From where you were standing? You mean on the dance floor dancing with Fiona? If you want to talk about not having any space between two people then you should start with yourself."
"I didn't want to dance with her," Jay protested, hands on his hips now. "You were the one that practically pushed me in her arms after I already told her 'no' so you don't get to be mad at me. I don't care about Fiona! I don't like her or see her like that!"
"Yeah well, I don't care!" She was in denial, she knew that but maybe if she said it enough time, she'd be able to convince herself that she didn't care that he was dancing with another girl that was far better suited for him. "So you can dance with her or Ally or any other girls as much as you want!"
"Ally? What the hell does she have to do with this?" Erin didn't reply, instead she just turned back around. But Jay was quicker and he stopped her, grabbing her arm and turned her back around. "Erin, what the hell is going on with you? I thought….I thought there was something between us." He was looking so vulnerable, like he was taking a chance and finally addressing this growing feelings between them. "Was I….Am I the only one in this?"
She couldn't meet his eyes, not with him looking at her like he was searching deep into her soul. "Jay," she sighed. "Maybe all this pretending and going to these parties, maybe the lines are getting blurred between us." She knew it had been for her. It was easy to pretend as though they were a normal married couple, in love and married for the right reasons, whenever they attended these parties. Her heart always skipped a beat whenever Jay introduced her as his wife, gave her affectionate touches and looked at her like she was everything. He was so convincing that she had forgotten that it was just an act and she had let her guard down and she fell for him, completely. It was only when the harsh reality of the differences in their lives slapped her in the face that she finally realized that despite her feelings, it was just a fantasy, a dream that she was living in.
Jay shook his head. "I don't want the lines getting blurred." Despite trying her best not to, she couldn't help the hurt that came across her chest at his words. What did he mean? Did he want just strictly a platonic relationship between them?
"Okay," she finally returned back. "Then we'll just reestablish the lines, make sure the lines don't get blurred again."
"No," he interrupted her, cutting her off. "I don't mean I don't want blurred lines. I meant," he swallowed, sounding nervous all of a sudden again. "I don't want any lines between us. At all."
"What?" she gasped, confused at what he was getting at.
He brought his hand up and cupped her face, skimming her jaw with his thumb as he looked at her tenderly. "Erin, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when we started this. That it was supposed to be easy. Never in a million year I would've thought that I'd meet and get to know someone as amazing like you," he started. "That I'd meet someone so strong and stubborn but so determined that I couldn't do anything but admire her. I'd never thought that I'd meet someone so beautiful, inside and out that just seeing you in your hoodie and leggings could still take my breath away just as easily as when you wear the most beautiful dress."
"Jay," she uttered out, her voice shaking but Jay continued, still holding her face.
"Or that I'd fall this hard this fast for you, so much so that it scares me. Because I don't know how you feel about me. I've spent nights just tossing and turning in my bed, just staying up wondering if you were feeling about me the way I feel about you." He let out a small chuckle. "Sometimes I think you do. The way you look at me and I'd be so happy, thinking that you feel the same. Then there are other moments when you're such a closed book Erin that I'm left trying to decipher every words that was said between us, trying not to read too much into them but unable to help myself. Because I'm absolutely crazy about you." He leaned in closer, eyes on her as though he was searching for something. "I've fallen in love with you Erin. I love you. And if you don't have any feelings for me at all then stop me right now because otherwise, I am going to kiss you."
She knew that even if she had gained the strength of Hercules right now, she'd still wouldn't be able to stop him. Not when she wanted—needed—him to kiss her just as much as she did. He let out a tentative smile as he leaned in closer slowly, almost as if he was afraid she'd stop him. But she couldn't and she didn't. All she could do was close her eyes and waited with anticipation for the moment when his lips finally landed on hers and she just melted in his arms.
The tentative touch of the lips quickly turned to something more passionate as they turned their heads to the perfect angle and deepened the kiss. His arms wrapped around her, clutching her to him as she let herself fall apart in his embrace, lips meeting lips, letting him pry her mouth open and granting him access to everything he wanted. He buried his hands in her hair and he pulled her head closer to him. Erin gripped his shoulder, softly moaning into the kiss, feeling his fervor grow at the sound. His fingers were now playing with the straps on the back of her dress and his palms were sending heated touch to her skin. She felt his fingers reach up about to pull the straps down and finally she regained her senses and she pushed him away.
She tried not to look at him, not wanting to see the look of confusion and hurt in his eyes.
"Erin?" he was still breathing hard but the confusion was clear in his voice as she began backing away from him. "What's wrong?"
"I can't do this!" Erin stammered out as she quickly ran off back to her room. She heard Jay's footsteps following behind her, confused at the sudden change in her actions. But she didn't stop, she couldn't face him right now. Finally when she reached the guestroom, she quickly entered it and slammed the door closed.
She could hear him on the other side of the door. "Erin?" he knocked but she had locked the door and leaned on it, closing her eyes. "Erin, just answer me!" he pleaded from the other side. "I'm sorry if I pushed you too much but please, just come out." She couldn't, she wanted to so much but she couldn't. Instead she just walked over to the bed and sank down at the edge of it.
"Erin," Jay was still on the other side, still apologize and she could hear the anguish in his voice, breaking her heart. "I'm sorry," he repeated and Erin could no longer stop the tears that wrecked out of her chest, sobbing. She was the one who was sorry. Sorry for making him feel like he did something wrong when she wanted him to kiss her as much as he did. But this was better for him in the long run. She wasn't right for him and the sooner he understood that the better. He belonged with the Ally's and Fiona's of the world, not Erin Lindsay. So she'd happily take the pain and would rather fall apart in her bed if it meant Jay would get a better future, one far better than he could have with someone like her.