A/N: This was sitting in my notes for what has to be more than nine months now and it seems that I had to forget what I wanted to do with it originally in order for me to be able to finish it. I got very emotional while writing it so I hope the feelings translated into it. Let me know! ;)
There was nothing out in the sky that could draw her attention as she stared out the window. All was calm. Deceptively so. To the point where she couldn't miss how much it reminded of those illusions that had Lysslis' special touch to them.
"Staying in the shadows has never been your thing," Griffin said, her voice echoing through the seemingly empty office and penetrating the shadows he'd chosen for his hiding place. As if he could escape her notice just because he was hidden from her gaze. As if she hadn't come to know his presence like the ghost of her own, like her soul. It was offensive but she held back her anger as she needed to cut him some slack. He'd come, after all. Of his own volition, and his first action hadn't been to attack her. She was almost grateful.
"What gave me away?" Valtor asked, making the feeling inside her intensify and spread through her body, pulling her to turn to him and see him–for the first time in seventeen long years–now that he'd finally decided to reveal himself but she couldn't surrender to it. Not if any part of the life she'd built for herself in those seventeen years when she'd been free of his presence meant anything to her.
"The self-centered energy of your grand ego," she said, throwing a taunt that would've had the old him set her on fire and waiting with baited breath to see if that would be the case. She had to know if he was the same man, if he'd changed enough to allow her to look at him without having her running right into his embrace. She couldn't let herself fall down that pit of madness again. She'd lose everything she'd gained after he'd taken her heart with him to Omega. "Do you really think you can sneak into my school without me noticing?" she asked as she turned around, knowing it was as safe as she could hope for her to do so, for he still hadn't fired back, not with magic and not with words either. And that was as strange as she'd imagined that seeing him again after all these years would be.
He was the same, and yet, he wasn't. She knew that. She'd witnessed it for herself. He still had that pull to him, though, that made her gravitate towards him and wish to stop resisting and just let herself fall in his hands. Especially when he still hadn't attacked her with the magic she could feel calling to her own just like it once had when they'd been working in tandem, the perfect team, maybe not to the world but to each other, and she couldn't stand it. She couldn't withstand it, couldn't keep herself in check. She needed him to remind her why it was that she couldn't have him anymore. She needed him to hate her. She needed him to talk.
"Don't tell me you came to just stand there like you're frozen in place," she said, regretting the words the minute they left her mouth, for they filled her brain with images of him moving, fighting back to back with her to steal a spell or thrusting inside her, their chests touching and their breath mingling as he looked in the depths of her soul. It was a mistake, a mistake to remember that. It had felt perfect and she'd broken it apart when she'd had no right to.
"I came to see how you're doing," Valtor said as he moved, slowly but with intent, as if to prove to both of them that he could now that he was no longer frozen in the ice of Omega. And she hated the reminder that her heart was not frozen as well as it felt too much for him once again. Just looking at him brought back all those things that should've died instead of Marion and Oritel.
"Ah," Griffin nodded, "of course. Gathering intel." She knew that wasn't why he was there. He could remove her from his path as soon as he wished to. Which meant he didn't wish to. And that was the hardest thing she could know.
"You've built a new life for yourself," Valtor said, his eyes running over the tomes on the shelves, consuming every bit of information about the years she'd spent without him so fervently that it made her wish his gaze was on her. "You have a career," Valtor said as he turned to look at her, "but no family." Be careful what you wish for indeed. Too bad it rang in her ears after the deed. Not that it could've saved her anyway. Nothing could save her. She was hopeless. Just like she'd been seventeen years ago. Just like she was without him, and he – without her.
"Is that jealousy I'm detecting in your voice?" she asked, going for mockery again, hoping he'd deny it and roughly pull her out of the fantasy of her head. Even if it hadn't worked because that was no fantasy she was living in. It was a nightmare. "Perhaps you'd like to hear about that time I was dating Saladin?" she asked, pushing against him again in a desperate attempt to get him angry. She couldn't keep breathing otherwise.
He was in front of her in a second and her lungs were failing as anticipation filled them, heavy and pushing all oxygen out of them at the pause in his actions. Though, it might have been time that had stopped altogether, for she couldn't tell when exactly they were. Her mind was in the present but her heart had accelerated so fast it could've managed to reach that place from seventeen years ago when they'd been together and their souls had been one whole, their bodies touching just a mere copy of that union that could never represent it fully. And it was so painful to be so torn between the two realities when she knew the one where they were together was forever lost.
Valtor raised a hand and she should've been afraid but she couldn't find it in herself when she'd craved his touch for so long. Even though she was hoping he'd do something to hurt her. It couldn't hurt more than the chasm she felt in her entire being even when the war was between her mind and her heart.
Valtor tangled his hand in her hair and the tenderness cut through her like a blade, making blood pour, wasted in the depths of the endless emptiness inside her. It hurt and a whimper fell out of her mouth to break against his ears when he pulled her into him, his being crashing into hers when their lips met and the desire for him filled her so suddenly it threw her in agony as it gripped at her.
She clutched at him, holding on for her life as his arm wrapped around her waist and kept her close instead of pushing her away. The kiss was as possessive as she could remember if not even more and he was claiming all of her even when she wasn't kissing back. She couldn't. She didn't have the clarity of mind to do anything as she felt the burn of his breath inside her and it struck her with how intense it was. He still had fire even after all these years he'd spent in the ice and the discovery took over her, white hot and making its way in her heart where it would keep burning until she died, for he still had fire for her.
He pulled away and she would scream at him for the audacity but she had no air left, yet she didn't dare breathe for it would empty her lungs of him to fill them with mere air and that was too great a waste. The hand in her hair moved out and her heart jumped angrily in protest against the idea that he could disentangle himself from her at will only to be calmed down when his hand covered her cheek, the warmth of his skin on hers making her feel far more secure than the knowledge he'd been locked away in Omega where he couldn't reach her ever had.
"You left me without a word," Valtor said, forcing her to open her eyes when she just wanted to stay in the moment that allowed her to pretend he was still hers, and his thumb stopping on her lips was the worst punishment he could've given for her transgressions against him. Or at least it would be once he withdrew it. And she had to stop herself from hoping because she knew he would but her mind had never been able to outweigh her heart, even when she knew they were absolutely hopeless. "You joined my enemies and helped put me away for good, and I didn't even get a goodbye." He looked at her with that soft emotion that had to be so unnatural in the middle of the ice blue of his eyes but instead it was the one thing she knew for certain was right in the world. It was just cruel. Especially since he was showing it on purpose, to let her know how she'd hurt him.
"Is that what this is?" Griffin asked, her voice breathy but she couldn't tell if it was because of her pain or because of his, his thumb against her lips not doing a good enough job of preventing her from speaking and spilling all the life she had left in her. "A goodbye?" she swallowed, trying to get her heart back to where it was supposed to be. Not that it made any difference when he could hear it either way, could see its screams reflected in the golden cages that her eyes were, ineffective and effective at the same time, for they let him see the feelings she was supposed to hide but wouldn't let them reach him even if he did leave himself open to her caresses again.
"Yes," Valtor said, his hand moving to the back of her neck but she didn't have time to mourn the loss of contact or even process it for that matter as he crashed his mouth on hers again.
She latched on to him this time–if she hadn't before, her hands still clutching at his coat and never letting go–and kissed back, her tongue tangling with his despite the unconvincing protests of her mind. It was trying to save her the hurt but it was too late for that. The thought should've come before she'd fallen in love. It was too late to save her from his fingerprints on her that would stain her form for the rest of her life, and he hadn't been the only one who'd missed the lack of a proper goodbye. If they were going to be a tragedy, she deserved at least one last kiss that would haunt her until the end of her days. One last kiss not different from all the rest because every kiss had been special and was sealed into her memory. Not as a moment perhaps, but as a feeling. And there were so many of those feelings inside her that she was all made of them. It was why she'd never be able to forget him. Their love was all that was left of her.
Valtor pulled away, tugging harshly on her hair to keep her from trying to kiss him again and she had to be grateful because they both knew she would have but the moan that pushed to come out of her was incredibly hard to contain and kept throwing itself against the walls of her being and punishing her for holding it away from him as it was an offering for his heart and ears. An offering she couldn't give when she knew he'd take it. It would just pull them deeper in their misery. Though, she had to ask herself if holding it back made any difference and even if it did, it most certainly was not for the better.
"It's a goodbye so that I can finally throw you out of my life," Valtor said, a hint of a growl coming through in his voice, and she had to focus on the intent or the anger but all she could think about was the admission he still hadn't been able to do that. She grasped at it like it was her saving grace even though she knew there was no salvation for either one of them. Not when they were still the same. They hadn't had any chance back then and they didn't have one now either.
"When I left, I hoped..." she started but she forced herself to leave the thought alone, for there was no point of putting it out in the open. It was ridiculous and she could hear that in the few words she'd managed to get out. They were hopeless and nothing could've changed that, nor could it now. They were hopeless simply due to the nature of their desires, all-consuming and endless. They could never find the power to give each other what they wanted, for it meant to overcome something they stood no chance against.
"That I would give up on my goal for you?" Valtor asked, spitting notes of hatred in her face for the first time and proving her point, carving the evidence with vengeance in her mind with the agony his words threw her in. He'd never loved her enough to sacrifice his plans for her and it was stupid of her to think it could be possible but her intelligence did not tread where he was concerned.
"Your goal was to tear the universe apart," Griffin hissed, her own tone coated in disgust. Not of him, though, but of how different their morals were. It was the root of their problem. If she'd just been heartless enough, she could've stayed at his side, the thought almost making her wish to carve her own heart out and let him eat it. She could love him even without it–as she'd proven–since she loved him with her entire being, her soul woven from the love she held for him. She wouldn't have to sacrifice an ounce of love without him and she could've gained the freedom to be with him. "Was it such a terrible thing to wish for a different path for both of us?" she asked as she tried to convince herself the scenario in her head wasn't an option and she should've made him better, not let him make her worse, tried to convince herself that it mattered and she couldn't have just accepted to be with him at whatever price, tried to convince herself she'd taken the right path even when it had led her away from him.
"There was no other path for us," Valtor said, his words lacking the previous ardency and it might have hurt her more than if he'd poured all of his hate on her. He'd accepted she could've never chosen to be a curse to the world along with him when she herself still struggled to get the idea out of her head and it was cruel. "Not with you standing in my way." She wouldn't have had to if either one of them could've bent to the will of the other, and she kept cursing them both for being so insanely stubborn.
She had to say something, had to explain. He never did understand why she left him and stood against him and she couldn't have the misconception kill him like the silence was doing with her. "I wanted-"
"To help me?" Valtor asked, knowing that his words would hurt her. Because she'd wanted to help him, she'd wanted to see him free from his mothers and able to make his own choices–hopefully, choosing to spend his life with her–but she'd had to sacrifice that desire for the greater good. She'd had to kill their partnership for her own conscience as she would've gladly taken the burden of his mothers' wrath on her for him but she couldn't have let it befall the universe. It would've been just as unfair as having him having to suffer through it had been. She couldn't have let them put their hands on the universe when she'd seen what they'd done to him. "First you took your warmth from me, then my own," Valtor said, holding her gaze as his hand slid to the front of her neck and she felt the heat of his skin on hers but it did nothing to dispute the accusation in his words, for his other hand was still firmly wrapped around her waist and she could never learn how cold he'd been when she hadn't been in his embrace and he'd been swallowed in the ice of Omega. "How did that help me, hmm?" he asked, his finger trailing lower, over her breast, almost touching her heart as if the question hadn't already reached it and started tearing it apart.
"I-"
"You, you, you," Valtor didn't give her the chance to talk, seeing him use a word that was currently meant to represent all of her being stealing all the breath from her lungs to make space for the yearning for him being as full of thoughts about her as she was of dreams about him to conquer every part of her. She'd only wanted him to want her again and was ready to fall into his arms just at the prospect of it happening. "It's always about what you want, Griffin," he said, the statement pulling her back to reality both with the threat it posed on her thoughts and the ugliness of the lie it was. "Did you ask yourself what I wanted?"
"Don't you dare lay this on me," she hissed, almost reaching to pull his hands off of her but there was no point in wasting efforts to do what the words would. And if he still held on to her, maybe there was some hope that he wasn't too far gone in his egomania. "You were the one who chose power over me." She could point the finger as well and she had the right to do it to differ from him. She'd asked herself what he'd wanted and she'd gotten an answer that had made her leave even when she hadn't wanted to. But he'd wanted something else more than her, and her pride hadn't been able to take it, not to mention her heart. Surely he could understand that.
"I can want both," Valtor glowered at her, the rage coming off of him in waves that would carry her away if he weren't holding on to her but she was safe because he wouldn't let go. He hadn't wanted to. And he was mad that she'd refused to let him want her along with his other selfish pursuits. How typical of him. After all, double standards were his specialty.
"But you can't have everything," Griffin said, sure that he'd let go of her this time. He couldn't take rejection at all and she'd just slapped him with the biggest dose of that possible. She was sure it wasn't something he could handle so he'd have to pull away. She almost wanted him to, for it would make it much easier for her to convince him and herself in her words when he wasn't wrapped around her like she'd wanted him ever since she'd left him. "So we have to live with our choices," she said, to remind herself that they'd both chosen already and that had consequences that they couldn't ignore even if they wanted to, even if the way he was still holding on to her was making her think that maybe it was possible. "We get this," she said, putting as much firmness in her voice as she could gather with her heart melting from the warmth of having him pressed into her. "I have a career and my students to look after, and my friends and the whole universe are safe, but I have no family," she listed, trying to remind herself that that all would be jeopardized if she chose to ignore the past and wished to heal the wound of the seventeen years she'd spent alone. She hadn't been alone and she had to remember that there were other people in the world besides him. Even if he was her whole universe. "And you have your power, but no warmth and love." He'd always have the heat of his fire but she was well aware that that wasn't enough, and not just because he was him and nothing ever was.
"We can still have everything, Griffin," Valtor tried, his voice almost shaking and his eyes looking like they were made of water that would never let them harbor flames capable of destruction. He looked almost hopeful and it pained her to know he was victim of the same trap that held her prisoner, for they both knew better. They both knew they were hopeless.
"No," Griffin shook her head, "we can't." There was no way with their desires clashing so viciously as if they wanted to kill each other. One of them would have to surrender but then it wouldn't be complete wish fulfillment. So they couldn't have everything. They never could have. They could have each other, but she knew that wasn't possible either. Not when he wasn't selfless enough to give up his own goals that kept him away from her and when she wasn't selfish enough to put him above the well-being of everyone else. It wouldn't work for them until one of them changed, and they were still the same people, hopelessly entranced with each other and bound to suffer for it.
"You still love me," Valtor echoed her thoughts, the desperation clear not only in his voice but also in his grip on her as it tightened as fear took over him, sealing their fate in the walls of the school she was personally responsible to protect from him. "You said so yourself," he said quietly, as if ashamed from his own naivety but she was just glad he was realizing that that was what his statement was made of. Her love for him had never been a guarantee for their happiness no matter how much she would've loved it to be otherwise.
"Do you still love me?" Griffin asked, her heart stopping in her chest and it was her own fault this time as she'd been the one to pull the trigger. The terror filled all the emptiness around them left from his silence and started seeping into her, so steadily that she wouldn't be able to stop it no matter what either one of them did. For she couldn't tell what answer would hurt her more. "Don't push yourself to answer," she said, hating herself for having to mask her selfishness as an attempt to spare him but she couldn't handle that confession. It would be too much after everything else they'd done to each other. "It doesn't matter," she watched the look in his eyes harden back to ice and it was like her own heart was squeezed in the jaws of a vise made all of coldness. "I can't be with you because that means sacrificing myself, and I can't do that." She was the only one between the two of them who could erase the distance between them so she was the one who had to kill any hopes of a future they could have together. "Not even for you." Not because she didn't want to, but because there was no point. He wanted her and she wouldn't be the same if she let him have what he wanted. But she couldn't be with him when she was herself. They were the definition of hopelessness.
"I do love you," Valtor said, the sound angry but that only made her believe it more and allowed it to go further as it sliced through her, reaching all of her nerve endings and throwing her in the agony she'd known it would cause her. He'd known it too. It was why he'd said it. And the only thing that was holding her whole were his arms around her and the fact that he couldn't make himself pull away, his words hurting him too with their truth.
"And it's going to kill us both," Griffin said, doing her best to open her fists and let go of him, take care of herself first for once, but her muscles refused to listen as her heart kept screaming at her to hold on tight for as long as he would allow her. Pain was guaranteed to her so she'd better make the most of what they still had left. It wouldn't be that much anyway. What they shared was everything to her but she could never get enough of it. She could be frozen in eternity with him and she would still wish for more time with him. It was the only thing she could do and it was so cruel to know that that was the one wish that would never come true even when it came from her whole being. It was killing her to know all she had was not strong enough to make her most sacred wish happen.
"Only because you refuse to be with me," Valtor said, putting the blame on her right on schedule. And the worst thing was she was okay with that. He wouldn't be the man she loved and wanted otherwise. He would be a stranger without that and it wouldn't matter that she'd be free to love him because she wouldn't be able to.
"I prefer to die on my own terms," she threw in his face, at this point pushing mostly to see how far she could get. Not that that knowledge would be useful since they didn't get to have a future together but she was curious to see what she could get out of him. And she had to stand up for herself. Just because she accepted that pushing all the blame on her was a part of his character didn't mean she'd allow him to get away with it. She didn't want him to be what he wasn't but he had to grant her the same courtesy.
"You don't get to decide that," Valtor growled at her this time, the hatred coming out again to get between them as she'd pushed him past his limit, just by being herself. No wonder they'd always been doomed. "Not after what you put me through."
He crashed his lips on hers again, his hand grabbing at her jaw and lifting her head up as his tongue entered her mouth seeking to take her breath from her. His body pushed into hers even more as if he was trying to reshape it and steal her ability to exist without being reminded of what it felt like to be one with him. And his other arm abandoned her waist and his fingers closed into her hair to tug and have the moans falling from her mouth to feed him with her own hunger and need to be his. She'd unravel if he kept it up and sink all into him, giving up her mind and free will which would leave her with the option to stay with him.
Valtor broke the kiss, removing himself from her, no part of him touching her anymore and she was forced to release him. He was still far too close for her not to be tempted, though–she had yet to discover how big a distance she needed between them to be safe from him–and her ragged breathing wasn't caused just by his intrusion upon her whole system but also by the despair that was weighing down her lungs as she struggled not to grab at him and pull him back. It wouldn't be fair to either one of them since she couldn't hold on to him.
He leaned in, his mouth by her ear and his breath hitting her skin and scorching it with the echo of the desire he'd admitted earlier, with the ghosts of the feelings that still lurked in his heart never to release him from their trap and that was the only thing in which they were still together. "I will kill you slowly," Valtor whispered softly, the tone as tempting as the words were, for it meant he'd take his time and she would get to be haunted by him a little while longer.
Griffin licked her lips, the sound escaping from her making him pull back and giving her the perfect opportunity to hold his gaze locked with hers. "Go for it," she said, for she was in no hurry to die. Death was the only thing that could save her from her love for him. "It's not like you haven't been doing it all these years." And from the looks of it, she'd been doing the same to him, their love a poison nothing could grow from.