I had finished this but this last little nugget popped into my head! I'm done, promise! X
As they pulled up in front of the small farmhouse both Lorna and McCoy's jaws dropped, silently they got out and stood in the dirt. Neither of them spoke, they were too distracted by the ram shackled hut in front of them.
"Leonard?" Lorna managed to mumble, the pair started towards the porch that ran round the house, an old creaking swing disturbed the silence of the miles of farmland that surrounded them. As McCoy stepped up onto the porch his foot went clear through the rotten wood. "Leonard!" Lorna shouted out in shock.
"Damnit!" McCoy pulled his leg from the hole and shook it out. "I'm alright," he answered looking to Lorna with a mixture of anger and astonishment.
"Is this right?" she asked.
"We didn't go past anything else did we?" he was genuinely asking her and when Lorna shook her head in agreement McCoy nodded back. No, they hadn't missed any turn offs on the road. This had to be it.
"It might not be too bad inside?" Lorna offered up. For some reason McCoy didn't get the key from his pocket, kind of knowing that the door would already be unlocked, which it was because, as he opened the door and looked inside, there was nothing to steal anyway. Lorna went one way as McCoy went another, "If you don't hear from me after five minutes consider me dead and go on with your life without me," she told McCoy.
"Got it, will do," he answered with a mock salute. Both slowly made their way round the house in silence, the living room was empty apart from an old settee and coffee table, the dining room had garden furniture in it and as Lorna opened the door to the kitchen she let out a scream when some kind or vermin ran passed her and out the front door.
"Are you okay?!" McCoy shouted from the dining room.
"Yeah! It was just a…" she didn't know what it had been. Meeting back in the hallway Lorna stared at McCoy wordlessly.
"It didn't look like this in the pictures?" he stated despondently to which Lorna burst out laughing. "Do you want to head back?" he asked, laughing himself once he saw that Lorna couldn't have cared less.
"By the time we did get back it'd be late, no, come on. We can make this work." McCoy smiled, exceedingly grateful that Lorna was a glass half full type of gal.
"I'll get the stuff from the car," Lorna nodded and then looked around, well, she certainly wouldn't be forgetting this trip in a hurry!
Lorna had managed to find a sweeping brush and, after opening all the windows in the house had quickly gone around and at least tried to make the place somewhat presentable. McCoy had discovered there was no running water and no power, luckily for them he'd packed a couple of candles, they'd been intended for their 'romantic meal' but now it seemed they were going to be their only source of light. There was no bed in the bedroom, just an old mattress that Lorna was pretty certain someone had died on!
"I'm going to go see if there's any wood in the outhouse!" McCoy shouted up the stairs to Lorna, "I could build a fire when it goes dark!" Lorna was stood in the bathroom staring aghast at the toilet.
"Okay!" she shouted back not being able to avert her eyes from the horror that was presented in front of her. McCoy picked up on something not quite right in Lorna's tone but couldn't face knowing what the cause was so he made his way out the house, avoiding the cobwebs and broken floorboards. "Leonard!" Lorna shouted after him a second later, "Watch out for the hole…"
"GODDAMNIT!" Lorna cringed, knowing he'd forgotten about the broken step outside.
Pulling his foot from the step, again! McCoy walked over to the outhouse, pulling the large door open he peered inside. It was a jumble of old tools, vehicles pulled apart, an oddly large number of bowling balls and broken furniture but at the far end he did see a pile of wood, already chopped up and ready for the fireplace in the living room. Scrambling over all the junk McCoy looked at the wood and then his way back to the door, he didn't like the idea of lugging all the chopped wood back the way he came so his gaze moved to the small glass window next to him. Stepping back slightly and without hesitation he tossed one of the pieces of wood out the window, shielding himself from the broken glass. Peering out and seeing the log on the ground and the fact that there was no one around for miles, McCoy shrugged his shoulders and carried on.
"Like it makes a goddamn bit of difference…" dropping the logs on the porch McCoy wiped at his brow and made his way to the kitchen, turning the tap on the sink his head dropped in dismay. He'd forgotten about the lack of water. Looking around he eventually found a bucket and plodded back out, thankfully the water pump was in good working order and it didn't take long for him to fill the metal bucket with clean, fresh water. McCoy looked back up at the house, this was supposed to have been nice! The place had been recommended by a friend, well, a friend of a friend come to think of it. He'd looked at pictures and everything! He'd wanted them to relax, enjoy a good meal and sit together in one of his favourite places on Earth. Instead they were staying in a dump where there was a high probability both of them would end up needing a tetanus shot! McCoy realised that he hadn't seen or heard Lorna for some time, which was never a good thing. Shouting out her name he waited for her reply and when none came he couldn't help but roll his eyes and pick up his pace on the way back to the house, being careful to not fall in the broken step. The bucket was left in the hallway as he made his way round the house, shouting her name and checking each room.
"Lorna! Where the hell are you?!" Taking the stairs in two's McCoy started in the first bedroom which looked to have been used as a storage room for amateur taxidermy. "Well that's going to give me nightmares." Closing the door quickly McCoy went to the next room where he spotted the murder mattress and their bags sat nearby, still no Lorna though. "Lorna!" he shouted again, pushing the bathroom door open and staring in disbelief at Lorna's backside sticking out of the bathtub whilst she scrubbed vigorously with a soapy cloth. McCoy realised that she must have had her ear buds in and listening to music, padding over he placed his hand on her shoulder and whispered her name, trying not to startle her. Although obviously McCoy managed to scare the crap out of Lorna who screamed at the top of her voice and threw the dirty wet rag at McCoy's face by way of retaliation.
"Why are you cleaning the bath?" McCoy asked trying not to think about the amount of germs on his face.
"So we can take a bath!" Lorna answered, clearly not understanding why McCoy found it so strange. "I've already done the loo, which by the way, was one of the most disgusting things I've ever done in my life!" Lorna nearly gagged again at the memory.
"Then why don't we just leave?!" McCoy asked her.
"Because we're here and we're going to make the best of it goddamnit!" Lorna stood with her hands in the air like a Surgeon preparing to operate and McCoy couldn't help but smile at her.
"I'll try to get a fire going, I might be able to warm enough water up for you to get cleaned up." Lorna closed the gap between them and smiled lovingly at him.
"Thank you Leonard, I love you," she said as she went to hold his face and pull him in for a kiss but McCoy ducked her outreached arms and sidestepped her altogether, leaving Lorna confused.
"If you think you're coming near me with those hands you've got another thing coming Darlin'!" For about ten minutes after that Lorna chased McCoy round the house with her 'diseased hands', running down the stairs, behind furniture and even going outside onto the porch until she lost sight of him.
"Leonard?! Where'd you go?" Arms round her middle pulled her to the floor where McCoy ungainly sat on her until she 'tapped out'.
"I don't know what that means?!" Lorna shouted back to McCoy.
"Tap your hand on the floor, it means you surrender", McCoy explained.
"Can't you just take my word for it?" Lorna was still laughing and finding it hard to breathe.
"Tap out Lorna," McCoy instructed.
"Fine!" Lorna did as she was told and the pair slowly stood up, eyeing each other suspiciously.
"Now, I'm going to go my way and you're going to go yours, are we in agreement?" McCoy laughed as he slowly stepped away from his Wife.
"I'll get you one day McCoy!" Lorna growled before giving him a wink and going back inside, "Woe betide!"
Lorna had managed to have a lukewarm bath which, if she was being honest was more like an army shower! Still, she felt cleaner and as she walked down the stairs and buttoned her long nightshirt, smiling to herself at the absurdity of it all.
"Leonard?" she shouted out, not being sure where he was.
"In the living room," she heard him reply so she made her way in that direction. "Ta da!" Lorna laughed at McCoy, who was stood with his arms outstretched like a Magician who'd just pulled a rabbit out of his hat. The coffee table had one of his shirts laying over it and on top was all the food they'd brought that they could eat cold and uncooked. The fire was blazing and the candles were flickering nearby. It was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen.
"You're the best," she told him as she gave him a kiss and sat down on the blanket he'd put out for the two of them. Kneeling up McCoy handed her a plastic cup of wine and proceeded to offer her cold food. Bringing her glass up to his Lorna toasted them both.
"Shall we go sit on the porch? Watch those lightning bugs I talked about?" he asked after they'd eaten.
"Sure," standing up they went outside and sat on the creaky bench, when they were sure it would take their weight they settled back and stared out into the darkness.
"Oh, I nearly forgot." McCoy dug into his pocket and pulled out two cigars.
"Leonard! Those things are illegal!" grabbing one nevertheless Lorna looked over it carefully.
"We don't have to…" holding his hand out he called her bluff and when she gave him a sideways look he knew she wouldn't be giving it him back.
"Where did you get these?" she asked as she watched him expertly unwrap the packaging and clip off one end.
"The less you know the better Darlin'."
"I've married a criminal," Lorna shook her head in mock dismay.
"You married someone who knows how to get his hands on these things, they're hard to come by you know?!"
"Oh I do know! The last time I had one of these was in medical school." As Lorna took in her first mouthful of smoke she closed her eyes. "These are so bad for you Leonard," she told him, watching him take a long drag and exhale slowly.
"But oh so good," the wickedness of the look that he gave her made Lorna blush and then, toasting one another again, the pair sat back and enjoyed the night sky.
The fire glowed and flooded the living room with an amber light as McCoy and Lorna stood facing one another laughing so hard they both struggled to hold back the tears.
"You can't take my weight!" Lorna exclaimed, shaking her head.
"Of course I can, remember when we were stuck in that hole?!" McCoy motioned with both his hands for her to run at him.
"Are you sure?" she found herself preparing to sprint towards him despite herself.
"Positive, just run and jump," McCoy hunkered down.
"Run and jump?" She was doing it!
"Yeah, three, two…" He was doing it!
"Wait!" Lorna stood upright and folded her arms across her chest.
"What?" McCoy came to stand also.
"On three or after three?"
"On three."
"Okay."
"Three, two one!" Assume positions!
"Arghh!"
Lorna audibly groaned, with no curtains on the windows the sunlight flooded into the bedroom and made her wince and squeeze her eyes shut. The epic hangover she was sporting wasn't helping either if she was being honest with herself. One of her feet and her left arm were resting on the bare floorboards and McCoy had rolled the thin blanket around himself sometime in the middle of the night leaving her bare arse exposed. Peeling her eyes open Lorna froze, right next to her head stood a bird. That's right! A bird. Lorna stared at the bird and the bird stared at Lorna until McCoy shifted slightly and the thing threw out its wings and set off in flight at which point Lorna screamed and scrambled from the mattress in horror.
"What the hell?!" McCoy asked gruffly, sitting up himself and staring at a naked Lorna stood in the middle of the room.
"There was a bird…" she started to explain but then realised there was no way he would ever believe her so just gave up and said 'morning' instead.
"How much did we drink last night?" he asked roughly.
"A lot! And my mouth feels and tastes like a petri-dish." Lorna stuck her tongue out and pulled a face. "I'll go and see if I can get some coffee on and then please, Leonard, can we please find a hotel?" McCoy fell back onto the mattress and closed his eyes.
"Sure thing."
As Lorna brushed her teeth she grinned broadly and dribbled toothpaste down herself when she heard McCoy swear at the top of his voice. In the middle of the night she had awoken needing the toilet. Coming out of the bathroom she'd paused outside the creepy taxidermy room, no she shouldn't! It was too far! Was it too far? Sneaking in quickly and grabbing a small stuffed squirrel who looked like it had seem some things Lorna hurried back to the bedroom and carefully, silently placed the expressive squirrel next to McCoy's head. He must have found it?!
After they'd packed up their things and bundled them into the car the pair set off down the road, it was beautiful scenery and every now and again McCoy would point out something or other to Lorna and she in turn would make up a little piece of trivia.
"Did you know that the earliest signs of Clowns were found in those hills?" she told him seriously.
"Clowns?"
"Yeah, cave drawings depict the Clowns driving round in tiny little cars, wearing huge shoes and honking their horns." It took everything she had not to break out smiling.
"Really?" McCoy played along.
"Sure, and you see that tree over there?" she asked pointing to the other side of the road.
"I do," McCoy couldn't wait to hear this!
"That tree belongs to the bain-marie family."
"Bain-marie?" McCoy repeated.
"Yep."
"Isn't that used to melt ingredients for cooking?" McCoy took his eyes off the road for a second to look at Lorna.
"Nope, don't think so?" Lorna answered shaking her head.
"I'm pretty sure it is," McCoy persevered.
"Well, we'll agree to disagree…" she was about to launch into another fact about the local wildlife being taught sign language when McCoy hit on the brakes and the car came to a screeching halt. Lorna stared at him in shock whilst McCoy stared out her window, blinking rapidly. "What is it?" she asked turning to see what had caught his attention so suddenly.
"Where's my PADD?" he asked quietly to which Lorna answered the boot and proceeded to undo her seatbelt, turn and scramble into the back of the car, legs and arms flailing.
"FOUND IT!" Lorna pulled herself back (with the help of McCoy who for the life of him didn't understand why she hadn't just got out and walked round to the boot) and watched as he flicked through his PADD angrily. "Leonard? I don't understand what's happening, it's just a nice house?" And that's when the proverbial penny dropped for Lorna Heiland-McCoy! Turning to look at the picture perfect postcard farmhouse with its wrap around porch and gingham curtains Lorna slowly turned back to McCoy. "I'm going to ask you a question Leonard, you ready?" McCoy blanched.
"Shoot," Lorna took a deep breath.
"Did we, perhaps, maybe, stay in the wrong house last night Leonard?"
"I mean…?"
"And were we, perhaps, maybe, supposed to have stayed in that house last night Leonard?" she pointed to the perfect house with her thumb. "With its perfect paint and perfect curtains and probably a gorgeous bath tub and clean loo and definitely no murders?"
"I mean…?" They stared at one another, neither quite believing the mistake they'd made. "Look at this way, in life, it's not where you go but it's who you go with…" Lorna held up her hand.
"Don't even try it!" she said. "Whose house did we stay in last night Leonard?" amused, Lorna took McCoy's hand in hers.
"Damned if I know?!" he laughed, squeezing her hand and bringing it to his lips. Turning the car into the drive Lorna looked back down the road.
"We could literally see this house from where we were Leonard!" she said disbelievingly.
"What can I say, I was distracted by your beauty…" he stopped talking when Lorna creased her brow at him comically. "It was worth a try," he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders.
"I think we should keep this between ourselves." Lorna suggested to which McCoy vehemently agreed. "You know, if this is anything like what the rest of my life is going to be like with you, well Darlin', I'm the luckiest man in the world." Lorna looked at him with all the love in her heart.
"Yes you are."
The End