Begin Again by Taylor Swift

Ever since our talk in the infirmary, Sam never left me alone for too long. It took about a week for me to recover and I was going crazy just staying in bed all day. I was even driving Lockne and Die-Hardman insane. Die-Hardman eventually stopped calling Sam as much just to not deal with me pestering him.

Eventually one of the nurses gave me the all-clear to leave. I left the room as quickly as possible, ready to just sprint outside. The first place I went was Sam's room. I knocked before I realized that there were two people talking inside. Immediately the voices hushed.

"I can come back later if it's inconvenient," I called through the door. Sam opened it after hearing my voice, looking relieved. I saw Deadman's hologram behind him. Sam stood aside so I could come in, shutting the door behind me.

"Oh good, I don't have to track you down now, too," Deadman said happily. "I was just telling Sam that I've managed to find more information on Cliff. His name was Clifford Unger. He worked for Bridges and he donated his child to the BB experiments after his wife became comatose."

"That's terrible," I shook my head. No wonder he's so sad.

"The details of how his time at Bridges came to end are fuzzy at best. I'm going to keep looking for more information." He hesitated. "There is one more thing. I found a buried file about the President's adoptive son." Sam immediately stiffened, anger clouding his face. Did they not get along? I didn't even know the president had a son. "He was an esteemed member of Bridges. Fell in love, got married, and was expecting a child. But his wife died and caused a voidout where he lived. Everybody died except for the son, who was a repatriate." My mouth fell slack in surprise as I stared at Sam, watching his body language. He was not ready for this talk. "People blamed the son, thought he was responsible for the voidout. The son must have felt guilty because he stepped down from his position and disappeared." He paused. "They were going to name their child Lou."

"Never happened," Sam answered gruffly.

"But it did. And it happened to you. Bridget talked about you a lot. She always said you didn't have to cut everybody out. 'He never had to leave us all behind.'"

"I said it never happened!" Sam said angrily, going the only place he could to escape-the shower. I stared after him, my heart going out to him. He was hurting. He's never dealt with this.

Deadman stood looking at Lou in silence before turning to me. Sam turned on the shower despite still being fully clothed. "Don't let him turn away from everybody."

"I don't know the specifics," I admitted, "but that's not the Sam I know. It can't be his fault."

"I know."

I hesitated. "Can you find out more about the BB that was Cliff's child?"

"Isn't it this one here?"

"No, he told Sam and I that that one isn't his BB. When he realized that, his sorrow was so strong that it threw me backwards onto the concrete."

"That was the source of your injury?"

I nodded.

"Information on the BBs are scarce but I'll see what I can dig up. I'll let you know what I find."

"Thanks, Deadman, you're good people." He smiled. "One more favor. There are files on Higgs somewhere in the database. I don't know where they've been buried. But I want to see them."

"What kind of files are they?"

"The psychiatrist kind."

"Are you sure you want those? I've read your file."

"I've never tried to hide that part of my life. I loved Higgs whether or not he loved me. I just want to understand him more."

"Closure. I'll see what I can find." He glanced at Sam, who was hidden in the steam from the hot water. "Keep each other safe."

"We will."

Deadman disappeared. I stared at the shower a few minutes before walking over to it. I input one of the emergency override codes for the door, causing it to open. Sam was sitting there with his head in his hands. He wasn't moving very much, but I could tell that he was crying.

"Sam," I said softly. He shook his head, turning away from me slightly. Instead of turning away, I got into the shower with him and sat beside him. He began to cry harder. Gently, I put my arm around him and guided him so that he was laying in my lap. He clutched my other hand as if he were hanging on for dear life.

The shower beeped twice as the water shut off, part of emergency protocol in case it's left unattended and someone passes out in it. I gently traced nonsense into his back to try and calm him down. Mom used to do that to me when I was sad as a kid. Which was often, usually not because of my own emotions. It took me until well into my teenage years to be able to tell the difference.

Eventually, Sam calmed down.

"Sorry if I'm too touchy. It's the only way I know how to do anything," I said softly, still tracing his back. His grip on my hand had loosened, but he didn't move away.

"No, it's nice. It doesn't hurt when you touch me," he replied. "I'm sorry you found out that way. I wanted to tell you, but..."

"No, I'm sorry Deadman took that away from you," I shook my head. "You would've told me when you're ready." He sat up beside me, his arm touching mine. He looked at me, his eyes red and puffy.

"It just comes so easily for you."

"I've had a lot more practice differentiating my emotions. My Mom was like me. So I had help. It must have been hard growing up with President Strand as your mom. She doesn't seem like the most touchy feely woman alive."

"She's not alive any more."

I couldn't hide my surprise.

"I'm working with Bridges because it was her dying wish that Amelie become her successor. But Amelie is stuck out west. I have to connect the chiral network to get her back."

"Holy shit," I said. I sat there for a moment. "How have they covered all of this up?"

"Die-Hardman, mostly. He swore us all to secrecy."

"Well this is definitely not what I was expecting when I knocked on your door."

He lifted an eyebrow at me, a smirk on his lips. "You had expectations?"

I felt my face redden slightly as I became aware of how close Sam was to me. Before I could move away, Sam's lips were on mine. I saw an explosion of colors. Blue, sadness. Orange, courage. Red, anger. So many shades of green and pink: desire, love, attraction. The over exposure of emotions was intoxicating.

When he pulled away, I couldn't form any words for a few seconds.

"I'm sorry, I thought-"

I cut him off by kissing him again, showing him as much as he had unknowingly showed me. He looked as dazed as I felt when I pulled away.

"I understand why you were quiet now," he finally exhaled. "Is that what the world looks like to you all the time? That was so many colors."

"I try to block it out, but it becomes clearer with touch or if I focus. I wasn't quite prepared, so I saw a lot."

"What'd you see?"

"Blue, orange, red, green, and pink. Different shades of each."

"They all mean certain things? Do you know what I saw?"

"No, I can't see my own colors. That's the one thing I can't do. Mom could read me and I could read her, but we could never read ourselves. I can push my powers to the people I'm touching temporarily. Not quite to the same capacity that I can see and feel, but enough to be an experience. What did you see?"

"'Bout the same. A lot of blue, green, and pink. Some orange, red, purple, and black. What do they all mean?"

"It varies a little bit. Greens and pinks are emotions dealing with love and desire, passion. The intensity of the color doesn't always represent the intensity of the feelings. They're tricky to read because they're the most fleeting emotions usually. You have to actually read someone, with their permission, to fully understand the depth of those ones. Orange can be courage or anger. Red is almost always anger in my experience. Blue is sorrow, sadness. Black is stability and identity or fear. Purple is disappointment or guilt."

He was quiet for a moment, thinking. "Can I read you?"

"I...don't know, actually. I've never tried to let anyone read me," I realized. "You're welcome to try if you'd like. If you're looking for something specific, you just focus on that emotion that you've felt yourself while you're touching me. It should lead you to what you're looking for."

I held my hands out, palms up. He placed his hands over mine.

"Close your eyes, and focus on nothing but the connection between our hands." I closed my own eyes, opening myself up to him. I didn't have anything to hide as far as I know.

"Brown?"

"Doubt." He grunted. We sat in silence for a few minutes. "You can ask me questions if you aren't finding what you're looking for."

"Can't you just lie to me?"

"Yes, but I won't. I don't have a reason to lie to you." Because I care about you, I added to myself.

"Do you doubt me?"

"Never."

"Fragile."

"I don't even know what that looks like," I said after a minute.

"A mess," he chuckled. "Mostly orange." I smiled slightly. I've always admired Fragile's courage.

"Red-brown?"

"Old love, love that's died."

He hesitated.

"You can say his name. It's only fair for you to know where I am and where I've been on that."

"Higgs."

"Red-brown. Red. Blue. Purple. A green that's almost black. Brown. Blood red."

"Sounds about right."

"I can't name some of this. It's like static. Fragile was like water."

"Higgs had a bigger impact on my life. The static is confusion. The water was safety."

He sat there a few moments, likely waiting for my emotions to return to normal.

"Sam."

My heart skipped a beat.

"Green, pink, yellow, white, black, orange. It's so bright. Do I have to do anything before I let go?"

"No, you can let go at any time." He slowly pulled his hands off of mine, looking perplexed at how difficult it was to separate. "It's the energy. Once you're connected, it makes you want to stay connected."

He looked at his hands before looking at me. "You're afraid of me?"

"No, I'm not afraid of you." I hesitated, looking away at Lou, who was fast asleep. "I'm afraid of falling in love with you, because I very easily could." I already was, though. I didn't need a reading to know that.

"You're afraid of being in love with me? Because of what Deadman said?"

"No, absolutely not because of that. I'm afraid because of how fucked up I was after Higgs. I don't ever want to repeat that." I turned to face him. "Sam, I trust you and I'm not afraid of you."

"I trust you, too. I don't want to repeat what happened with Lucy either." I smiled before standing up and getting out of the shower. The air jets dried me automatically.

"Good, now let's go for a walk. I feel like I haven't seen the outdoors in forever."

"It's been a week."

"Forever," I corrected. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. "And this is what happens to curly hair when you just let the air jets dry it." I pulled it up into a bun to neutralize the puffiness. Sam chuckled, stepping through the air jets himself. His hair hung perfectly around his face. "That is so not fair," I mumbled, stealing one of his jackets since my room was down two floors on the "administrative" floor. I'm not actually a porter, I never have been. Nobody at Bridges' is really bothered with titles, unless you're a facility head, but I'm somewhere on the same tier as Lockne and Heartman. Well, I guess I wasn't until after meeting Sam and helping him get Mama here. After that, Die-Hardman managed to talk me into actually signing on.

"Alright, 'forever,' where are we going?" Sam asked after he had put a jacket of his own on.

"Down by the river?"

"Down by the river."