Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors

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"So please, just look at me and smile and don't ask what's in my soul because it's filled with too many holes."

~Kevin Breel, Boy Meets Depression

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"You're going to die."

Jayfeather's body spasmed as he was thrown back into the waking world. The gasp that left his lips was sharp and he hated the sound of it but he didn't let his mind dwell on it. Blind eyes wide, he jumped to his paws, heart racing with emotions leftover from reliving the memory.

Yes, the memory. Not a dream. That was real. His death had been real. Countless moons ago or not, it had happened. And now he was going to go through it again. He didn't know what to think of it.

He sat back on his haunches and tried to get his breathing under control. He had to calm down. There was no way he'd be able to figure this out with his thoughts and heart racing like they were.

"Are you okay?" a voice asked. Jayfeather jumped, startled, before he realized it was just Alderheart.

"I'm fine," he assured but his voice broke between the two words. He could practically feel Alderheart's gaze turn doubtful. Jayfeather turned his head away. "I… I'm… It was just a dream."

"Did you hear something from StarClan?"

"I'm going to go get some fresh-kill," Jayfeather said, avoiding the question. Even if he wanted to answer, he didn't know how. Was Half Moon part of StarClan? Was it even his old love who sent the dream? Maybe it was the remains of Jay's Wing in the back of his mind? How could he explain that? He couldn't. That's what. So, without waiting for Alderheart's response, he hurriedly padded out of the medicine den.

His paws hit the ground unevenly and he stumbled but he caught himself. It was morning and his clanmates were out so he knew they saw him trip but his mind was too occupied to care. Half Moon said I was going to die. I don't have much time left. I'm going to die.

The fresh air helped him with his breathing but the eyes of his clanmates on him did nothing for the panic. It only seemed to make it worse. He hated being stared at. It reminded him of… He didn't know. It felt bad though, that much he knew. Jayfeather squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. Calm down, Jayfeather. There's nothing for you to-

Jayfeather suddenly ran into something. This time, he couldn't catch himself in time and he tripped over a furry body, clumsy paws getting swept out from under him. He wasn't even on the ground for a heartbeat. He picked himself up as fast as possible, embarassment finally penetrating his panic. Unfortunately, it only lasted a moment and panic quickly seized him again a heartbeat later.

"I'm so sorry," the cat he crashed into cried. Her words did not comfort him in the slightest. In fact, it only made the anxious alarm clouding his mind rush back in full force.

Who is this? I don't recognize her voice. Jayfeather stared at her, blind eyes blinking as if he could see. He could picture the cat in his mind. He could tell she was young, probably an apprentice judging by her size, and he imagined she was pretty flustered after tripping the medicine cat but for StarClan's sake, he didn't have the slightest idea who he was. What's wrong with me? Why can't I remember her?

"What are you doing?" a second voice hissed quietly. If not for his sharp ears, Jayfeather wouldn't have heard it. "Come on!"

"I just bumped into Jayfeather! I can't just walk away," the she-cat apprentice hissed back.

"He's just a crazy old medicine cat," a third voice jumped in. "Forget him. Come on."

Jayfeather blinked, the words echoing in the back of his mind. Just a crazy old medicine cat. Was that really what his clanmates thought of him? Were these cats even his clanmates? He didn't recognize them at all. I know all my clanmates. I know what their pawsteps sound like, what their mews sound like when they're lying, how their breathing sounds like when they're upset. I know when Briarlight is hurting, I know when Foxleap is about to get into trouble, I know when Toadstep is… Wait.

"Don't just stand there, you three. Bristlepaw, I'd expect better of you," a new cat scolded. Once again, the sound of the voice only made it worse. The cat padded up to him. "Sorry about her, Jayfeather. You know how apprentices are."

"I'm not a kit, Eaglewing," the she-cat, Bristlepaw, grumbled.

"Stop dawdling," a voice snapped and Jayfeather felt a wave of relief. He recognized this voice. He hadn't woken up in a strange place. He was home. Even if home is filled with these strange cats, it's still home. Silently, he thanked the newcomer for saving him from the inevitable awkward conversation and, most of all, the darkest corners of his mind that he was threatening to slip into. "Eaglewing, you and Flippaw are on patrol with Birchfall and Poppyfrost. Bristlepaw, Thriftpaw, you're mentors are looking for you. Quit bothering Jayfeather and get going. The fresh-kill pile won't fill itself."

"Yes Berrynose," the four cats chorused, leaving the warrior the only one standing with Jayfeather.

"I heard what they said," Berrynose told him, turning his attention to the younger tom. "That was rude. Don't believe them for a second. You're a great medicine cat, Jayfeather."

"I couldn't save Briarlight," he blurted before he knew what he was saying. He froze at the sound of his own voice, not believing his ears, but he couldn't stop. It was like a dam holding back an overflowing river had splintered only it was his self-control that had snapped and the thoughts rushing through his mind were pouring out of his mouth uncontrollably. "Or Leafpool. Honeyfern,Hazeltail, and Toadstep, I couldn't save them. Icecloud and Foxleap are gone. And Purdy… StarClan, even Sandstorm and Dustpelt are gone. And that's not even-"

"Woah, clam down there, Jayfeather," Berrynose said, sounding a bit surprised as he gently butted his head on his shoulder. Jayfeather found the gesture oddly comforting. He knew Berrynose was only doing it because his tail was too short to rest the tip on his shoulder but this felt a lot more personal.

Berrynose lapped the fur on Jayfeather's fur, clearly trying to calm him down but Jayfeather's thoughts still raged in his mind. Hollyleaf died. We got her back and then we lost her again. We… No, I. Lionblaze doesn't- he isn't… Lionblaze has his own kin now. He doesn't need me. He's got Cinderheart and his kits. What happened to us? We used to be so close. Just me, him, and Hollyleaf… Then Dovewing… Dovewing. Dove's Wing? No, Dovewing. She's gone too. She's with Tigerstar now, the kin I lost when I found out Bramblestar and Squirrelflight aren't my parents. StarClan, Flametail and Dawnpelt are gone too. All the cats from my kithood are gone. Even Stormfur and Brook, the two cats who always were there for me when I needed them, are gone. They live so far away. Firestar isn't even leader anymore. I'm living in a different era. It's like when I went back to walk with the Ancients only I move forward in time, one heartbeat at a time.

His mind refocused on reality as he tried to get a grip. He could still feel Berrynose's presence. I can't believe I'm so relieved that Berrynose of all cats is here. He suddenly realized that the other tom was talking.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Jayfeather asked, his conscious thought returning to the real world.

"I was just asking if you're alright," Berrynose told him. "It's not like you to trip like that and you were acting kind of strange when you were talking to Bristlepaw and Eaglewing and then…"

He trailed off and looked at Jayfeather expectantly but the medicine cat took a moment to gather his thoughts before answering. I don't remember them… That's not normal. But this is Berrynose. He's one of the few cats left that hasn't changed… Well, that much at least. The old Berrynose wouldn't be talking to me like this.

"I didn't realize there were so many new cats in camp," Jayfeather answered. The warrior remained silent. Getting the sense that Berrynose didn't understand, he tried to explain. "I mean, I didn't realize that the clan has changed so much in the past few seasons. I know I was there for all these new cats' kittings and the deaths of our clanmates who aren't here anymore but I never…"

"You didn't realize that it was so different. That the clan now isn't the one we grew up in," Berrynose finished quietly. Jayfeather blinked a few times, surprised at the heaviness in the warrior's tone.

"Yeah," Jayfeather agreed softly. "I don't… I guess I just hadn't realized it until now. I miss them."

"Me too," Berrynose whispered. He shook out his pelt, almost like he was shaking away the bad thoughts and forcing the sunshine to come back. "But that's okay. We'll see them again someday. I still love my clan, even if it's different than I remember."

"I suppose," Jayfeather murmured. I'm going to die and I'm not even going to die with the cats I want at my side when I do it. Most of them are already in Silverpelt. Maybe… He shook his head. He couldn't let those thoughts settle in.

"The clan is doing really well and I'm still a loyal ThunderClan warrior. We can't have all those adventures we had as apprentices but we're still living our best lives and I'm happy here," Berrynose said with a bit too much brightness forced into his voice. Jayfeather's expression softened. He's hurting but he's still walking with his head held high… I'm not.

"Thanks Berrynose. I'm going to go make dirt," Jayfeather said, walking away before the warrior could say goodbye. Jayfeather sighed. Just like all the others.