Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors

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"Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong direction entirely."

~Kevin Breel, Boy Meets Depression

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Jayfeather left the camp through the dirtplace tunnel, something he hadn't done since he was an apprentice. Back in his youth, it was a good way to get out of camp without alerting his clanmates but he hadn't had to do anything that called for the sneakiness in many seasons. He was sure that he could leave through the bramble entrance without issue but he really didn't want to face his clanmates right now.

Are they even my clanmates? He didn't recognize half of them. A medicine cat lived a life of isolation but Jayfeather was even more distanced than his fellow healers. He had no strong bonds with any living cat, nothing more than duty to tie him to the clan. He did once but the days of meeting up with Lionblaze and Dovewing to share news about the Dark Forest's plans or hear an update from StarClan were long gone.

He didn't want to look back on those memories fondly but he had to admit that a strong sense of kinship and camaraderie had come from that. He missed it. He hadn't felt something like that in a long time.

Before he knew it, his paws were directing him toward the ShadowClan border. No. SkyClan. He shook his head. So much has changed. There's nothing wrong with my memory. I suppose I'm just… in denial. Everything is different now.

Jayfeather let out a long sigh and sat down, blind gaze staring longingly over the border. While he had never been particularly fond of ShadowClan, that's where Dovewing was. She was a whole territory away. Sure, they could speak at Gatherings but did they? No. They had once been friends but not close enough to prioritize each other. Were we even close at all? She was always closer with Lionblaze. Were we even friends? Once the prophecy was fulfilled, the three's relationship broke apart. If Lionblaze and I weren't brothers… If Lionblaze wasn't Dovewing's old mentor… Maybe they weren't that close to start with.

Jayfeather sat down by the border with a heavy heart. Last night's dream combined with this morning's realization… I thought I'd want to spend my last days making some last memories with the closest cats to me but all the cats I care about are so far. Lionblaze and Dovewing both have mates and kits. They don't have time to share tongues or sun with 'ol Jayfeather. And I don't have any other friends I want to be at my side at the end. Maybe dying won't be so bad. Everyone that really matters already hunts in the stars. Half Moon and I could finally be together.

His mind quieted and an odd wave of content washed over him. All morning, his mind had been a raging storm of panic, confusion, and emotion but the storm abruptly calmed and he was only left with the sweet hereafter. It was almost a numbness but not in a bad way. He felt oddly tranquil.

Something started pulling at his paws, telling him to move. Despite not understanding, Jayfeather rose and followed the path they were telling him to take. When he realized where they were leading him, he froze.

A sharp, sickly scent hit his nose. Deathberries. This was the patch that Alderheart had used to make his medicine for- Who's the ShadowClan medicine cat now?- Puddleshine. He remembered it well. There were so many times he had come here with the intent of destroying it without Alderheart's knowledge. In the end, Alderheart's poison had saved Puddleshine but the idea of his former apprentice doing something so risky without support… He supposed it was his own fault but knowingly feeding another cat deathberries was too much for a medicine cat to handle. Except Alderheart. He's is an amazing medicine cat. ThunderClan will be in good paws when I'm gone. Jayfeather nosed the plant. He didn't know why his paws had drawn him here but he was filled with an odd temptation to lean forward and bite into one of the-

"Jayfeather!" a voice called. Jayfeather lifted his head, once again thrown off by the unfamiliar voice but he managed to match a name to it a bit faster this time.

"Sagenose. Harrybrook. Rabbitleap." Jayfeather nodded in greeting before turning his blind gaze to the fourth cat. He sniffed, trying to get an idea of the identity of the final cat before him. "And apprentice?"

"Wow! You knew exactly who we are and you can't even- hey!" the apprentice yelped as Sagenose cuffed him over the ears.

"Don't be rude, Kitepaw," Sagenose hissed before turning his attention back to the blind medicine cat. "We're here to mark the border."

"I can tell," Jayfeather replied nonchalantly. Why are you talking to me? Just leave me in peace.

"Just thought you should know. I don't want you to think we're trying anything," Sagenose responded.

Jayfeather flicked his ear in annoyance. "I know you're not used to having neighbors but I'm a medicine cat. I don't really care about borders or clan relations or any of that. Just mark the border where the scent marker is and leave me to do my job."

"What are you doing?" the apprentice Kitepaw asked curiously.

Thinking about eating deathberries. "Checking on herbs."

"I didn't know there were any herbs around here," Rabbitleap spoke curiously.

"And that's why you're not a medicine cat," Jayfeather snarked back.

"And you tell me not to be rude," Kitepaw grumbled. The SkyClan warriors didn't seem to hear it but Jayfeather did. Afterall, he had the best ears in all the clans. But that's just it. You're rude, snide, standoffish, and you don't even try to be nice. That's why you don't have any friends. You understand other cats, you can pick up and sense things that others don't, but you don't make any effort to connect with them or provide some kind words and a shoulder to lean on when they need it. What kind of medicine cat are you?

Sagenose cuffed Kitepaw over the ear again and the apprentice squealed, much to Jayfeather's amusement. The SkyClan warrior clearly didn't think that Jayfeather was aware of what he was doing and that made it all the more humorous.

"What kind of herbs are around here?" Sagenose asked. "Maybe Frecklewish and Fidgetflake could get some use out of them. We still don't know where all the best herb patches are and-"

"There aren't any here," Jayfeather cut him off curtly.

Harrybrook flicked his ear in annoyance. "I thought you medicine cats don't care about borders. Why can't-"

"Because I don't want any SkyClan cats getting killed by messing with unfamiliar herbs," Jayfeather interrupted. "I was just checking on the brambles protecting the plant that Alderheart used to make his poison."

Harrybrook, Sagenose, and Rabbitleap grimaced while Kitepaw tilted his head curiously. "Poison?"

"Medicine but a risky one," Sagenose told him. Jayfeather assumed, based on their interaction, that the tom was Kitepaw's mentor. He looked to Jayfeather. "It's good that you're covering it. We don't want any cat to eat any prey that's been munching on those. Be careful, Jayfeather. You're a fantastic medicine cat and ThunderClan is lucky to have you for the coming seasons."

"I'm not stupid. I know better than to put deathberries in my mouth," Jayfeather snorted. No, I'm not. I was just thinking about it. I would've if you hadn't come along. Help me.

The SkyClan cats didn't say anything as they started laying down the scent markers. Jayfeather looked in the direction of the deathberries one last time before padding away without so much as a flick of his tail farwell.

That heavy feeling still lingered as he disappeared from sight into the trees but shock echoed through it. He couldn't believe that his thoughts had gone that dark. It's not even sunhigh and that dream's already affecting me this much? He shook his head. It's probably a good thing I had it. Otherwise, I might've died with regrets. At least now I know that I don't have anything keeping me here.

He narrowly missed running into a tree as he got farther and farther from the SkyClan border. What if I just left? No one would miss me and I wouldn't burden the clan by making them bury my body or sit a vigil.

Jayfeather flinched at his own thoughts. The idea of leaving behind his body for the others to look at, an empty reminder of who he was, made a sour taste rise in his mouth. He didn't know what happened when a cat died, just that they made a journey to StarClan. He did know from the SkyClan cat Tree that spirits did linger for a time if they had unfinished business, implying that cats' spirits stayed close to their bodies before heading up to Silverpelt. He shivered. He hated the idea of looking at his own body after death. He desperately hoped he had no unfinished business in this world. Jayfeather didn't want to stay away from Half Moon longer than he had to.

A cold breeze ruffled his fur, reminding him it was nearing the end of leaf-fall and the season was starting to bleed into leaf-bare. He doubted he could take care of himself if it started snowing. Not that it matters. I'm dying soon anyway. I died in the cold once, maybe a second time wouldn't be so bad. The clan would have one less belly to feed and the moss in my nest could go to another cat.

Jayfeather's paw hit a root and he stumbled, barely avoiding a full wipe out. He stopped for a moment and suddenly realized how far he had wandered while his mind was occupied. He was now near the WindClan border. Why did my paws take me here? I want to leave clan territory. There's nothing for me here.

Then he remembered. He wanted to die without any loose ends but there was one he still never faced. Crowfeather, I'm coming.