Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors

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"A medicine cat has no time for doubt. Put your energy into today and stop worrying about the past."

~The Rising Storm

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Jayfeather padded after Berrynose's patrol with slow, quiet steps. Poppyfrost, Stemleaf, Plumstone, and Dewnose followed close behind the patrol leaders, each one occasionally glancing back at him but Jayfeather was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to pay them any mind.

Crowfeather had described losing his love as his heart growing raw. It felt like that stone had struck him too. Jayfeather's loss hadn't felt like that but the words made perfect sense. Death tore Crowfeather and Feathertail apart and a stone had been responsible. Jayfeather and Half Moon were torn apart by a prophecy, time, and a code. Jayfeather couldn't describe his pain but it wasn't something physical that caused his pain so it didn't feel physical. The loss of love felt like the blow that destroyed it.

Crowfeather was able to put his clan before his heart and that's what got him through. That's what I did every time I had to leave Half Moon but by StarClan, it hurts.

That old pain that echoed in his chest rang but it was more faded than usual. The desperate longing was still there but it didn't ring in his bones or quake through his body with the power it usually did. It was calm and at ease. It was still powerful but not nearly as sharp. The realization made a quiet purr rumble in his throat. Not much longer, Half Moon. I'll be in Silverpelt soon.

Poppyfrost drifted to his side and nudged him. "Are you purring?"

"No," Jayfeather denied, killing the unconscious vibrations in his throat and pulled his face into a scowl. His efforts did little to ward off Poppyfrost's amusement.

"The grumpy badger Jayfeather is purring! You must be getting soft after all these moons," Poppyfrost teased, shouldering him.

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. "And you must be getting bold to be testing my temper."

Poppyfrost flicked her ear. "Like you could lay a claw on me."

Jayfeather snorted. He could feel Stemleaf, Plumstone, and Dewnose's shocked gazes on him. He heard Berrynose chuckle before quietly drawing them closer. The blind tom knew he wasn't supposed to listen but few voices could get by his sharp hearing.

"I didn't know Jayfeather and Poppyfrost were friends," Plumstone whispered. She paused. "StarClan, I didn't even know Jayfeather had friends!"

"Jayfeather may be as prickly as a thornbush but he's a good cat. See those scars on his pelt?" Berrynose asked quietly. Jayfeather could picture the cream tom pointing with his stump of a tail and the three younger warriors nodding, interest glowing in their eyes. "He got those protecting Poppyfrost from his brother, Breezepelt, just before she kitted."

Dewnose gasped. "Really? But he's a medicine cat. And blind!"

"I don't know how he did it," Berrynose told him, "but I know I wouldn't have my mate or my kits if not for him. He's your medicine cat too. Show him some respect and he might just save you too."

Yeah right, Jayfeather thought but he pushed the thought away and gave a mrrow of amusement in Poppyfrost's direction. "Berrynose's really changed over the past few seasons, hasn't he Poppyfrost? I mean, he's still an annoying furball but still…"

Poppyfrost purred as Berrynose looked up from talking with his younger clanmates with an indignant squawk. "I heard that!"

Poppyfrost butted his shoulder. "He may be a furball but he's my furball."

Jayfeather flicked his ear dismissively, feigning disinterest. I miss this. There are so few cats left from my generation. But every cat has a mate or friends. No one wants to bother with the grumpy badger Jayfeather.

The patrol had fallen into silence by the time they pushed through the thorn barrier entrance. Wordlessly, the patrol moved to report to Squirrelflight, leaving Jayfeather standing alone.

For a heartbeat, he was aware of how far away all the cats were. There were a few patrols by the highrock, a number of cats by the fresh-kill pile, some elders sunning outside their den, some kits tumbling outside the nursery… They all felt so distant. Like Jayfeather was just an observer. I'm not really one of them.

Jayfeather heard pawsteps nearing and his ears perked up, desperately hoping that some cat was coming to talk to him. He hated himself for it and he hated himself even more at the way that anguish came crashing down when the cat walked past him. Look at me! He wanted to yowl. Please. Don't ignore me. He wanted to wail. Don't forget about me when I'm gone.

He felt his breathing becoming uneven and his mind clouding but he did nothing more than duck his head and flatten his ears. It was barely noticeable but it made all the difference to the medicine cat. Why didn't I realize it sooner? No cat gives a flying fox dung if I'm here or what I do. They're just tolerating me.

Swallowing a sigh, Jayfeather padded toward his den. He quickly realized that the cat who had passed him was heading in that direction as well. Bolts of panic and worry shot through his mind but most of all, he felt bad. I'm a bad medicine cat. How didn't I notice?

The sharp, irony scent of blood hit his nostrils and his sensitive ears picked up a break in the pattern of pawsteps of the other cat. The cat was limping, bleeding from one paw. Jayfeather shook away the cloud of heavy feelings and hurried after him. No wait. Her. Who is this cat anyway?

"-and I was just wondering if you could help me get the thorn out, Alderheart" the cat was saying when Jayfeather slipped into the den. The she-cat paused and awkwardly greeted him upon the older medicine cat's arrival. "Oh. Hey Jayfeather."

"Hi… uh, Leafshade," Jayfeather said with a dip of his head. He sniffed once. "That pad doesn't smell good. Smells like you walked on it for awhile. You need to give it a thorough cleaning before I dress it."

"Don't worry," Leafshade said nonchalantly. "I think Alderheart's got it handled."

Jayfeather felt a stab of betrayal in his chest. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't help it. Right… My clanmates don't need me anymore. They've got Alderheart. He could practically feel Alderheart's concerned gaze fall on him. Jayfeather forced his usual grumpy but lighter tone out and tried to appear indifferent. "Of course. I'll leave you to it."

"Oh, Jayfeather," Alderheart called just as Jayfeather took a step in the direction of the exit. "Can you take some comfrey to the elders? Graystripe was complaining about his joints this morning."

The rush of relief almost knocked him off his paws. Thank StarClan. Elders he could handle. Graystripe, Cloudtail, Brightheart, and Brackenfur were all familiar to him. He wouldn't mind spending some time with them.

"Of course," Jayfeather said, turning to his herbs stores to fetch the requested herb. "I'll be back soon."

"There's no rush," Alderheart told him as he began lapping Leafshade's pad, trying to get his teeth under the thorn to pull it out. Jayfeather knew he meant nothing by it but is words still caused the hollow feeling in his heart to fill with lonely despair.

Jayfeather padded up to the four elders with a wad of comfrey in his jaws. The shadows cast by the trees had previously been blocking his pelt from the warm sunlight but the elder's den was in a nice patch of sunlight and the warmth felt good. He hadn't realized his body had been so cool. I sound like an elder.

Jayfeather set down the herbs at the edge of the sunlit patch. He couldn't exactly tell where the four retired warriors were quite yet. "I've got some comfrey for anyone who needs it."

"Jayfeather," Graystripe greeted. Jayfeather heard him make a small noise of discomfort as the aging tom sat up. "Thanks. My knees have been bothering me all day."

Jayfeather whisked his tail and, now that he knew exactly where the elder was, pushed a pawful of herbs in his direction. "So I've been told. Here, this should help."

"Thank you," Graystripe purred as he grabbed the herbs in his teeth and gratefully swallowed them.

Cloudtail rose from his resting place with a groan and ambled over. "I could use some too."

"Of course," Jayfeather said, sliding a dose toward the former kittypet before looking to Brackenfur and Brightheart. "Do either of you need anything?"

"Just some young company," Brightheart responded without lifting her head from her napping place.

"Listening to Cloudtail and Graystripe talk about the old times all day is bound to make our ears fall off," Brackenfur agreed in an amused tone.

"Hey!"

Jayfeather purred and settled down. Deep down, he continued to ridicule himself for getting so much joy at the idea of spending time with the elders. The knot of frustration in his belly kept him from being completely at ease but he took a spot in the sun close by and soon found himself getting comfortable. "I don't mind listening to these old furballs. You're some of the last of your generation. It's good to keep those old memories around."

Cloudtail flicked his ear dismissively. "The clan is filled with young cats now. They don't care about our time. It's a new era. Does it really matter?"

Jayfeather felt a familiar pang in his chest. It was true, cats didn't care about the cats before them anymore. When he was a kit, he and his littermates would love to visit the elders and hear stories about the old forest from Mousefur and Longtail. It wasn't quite the same anymore. Nowadays, he heard kits and apprentices whispering that they suspected the Dark Forest battle and even Firestar were just legends.

My whole life used to revolve around the prophecy and the fight with the Dark Forest, Jayfeather thought. He suddenly felt very, very old and very, very tired. Those days are long gone. Everything I did for the clans doesn't even matter anymore.

"I guess you're right, Jayfeather mumbled quietly in response to Cloudtail's question. He cleared his throat before speaking up. "Do you… Do you ever feel like the camp is filled with strangers?"

The blind medicine cat sensed surprise radiate off the old warriors and immediately regretted asking the question.

"No," Graystripe answered truthfully. "Even if there aren't anymore cats around from the time I was growing up, this is still my clan. It's still my home. These are my clanmates. They could never feel like strangers."

"Are you feeling lonely, Jayfeather?" Brightheart asked gently.

"No," Jayfeather responded defensively. I'm not lonely. I can't be. I'm going to be reunited with all the cats I care about before I know it.

Brackenfur shifted until he was at Jayfeather's side and lapped his shoulder fur. "It's okay if you do."

"I know. And I'm not," Jayfeather insisted, flicking an ear in annoyance. "I've always stood alone. Nothing's changed."

"Even the loneliest wolves walk with a pack," Graystripe told him softly and the five cats grew silent.

Jayfeather lowered his head, resting it on his paws, as despair began bubbling back up in his chest. But the loneliest wolf is one rejected from the pack, one that just trails after it from a distance. Watching, never hunting or eating with them.

Jayfeather closed his eyes. The feeling of Brackenfur at his side was barely present in his mind and he suddenly underwent a surge of vulnerability and grief. It's been so many seasons. My walls aren't as strong as they used to be. There's nothing left for me here. How did Crowfeather ever do it?