Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors

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"There's something tragic, almost pure. I think I could love you, but I'm not sure."

~Broken Like Me, lovelytheband

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Dock… Feverfew… Sorrel…

The soft yet rough sound of leaves skidding against loose dirt was nothing more than a faint background noise threatening to ebb into his conscious. Paws moved rapidly, organizing the herbs rapidly, pushing the leaves and seeds into new piles effortlessly. In the coolness of the morning, the scent of them was sharper than usual but any medicine cat worth his fresh-kill had long since become used to it's everlasting presence.

Juniper… Parsley… Daisy…

Jayfeather closed his murky blue eyes. It was an old habit. He couldn't remember when he picked it up. Maybe when he was an apprentice? The only time he would have found the need to sink back into the familiar darkness of being blind was when he walked in the pawsteps of Jay's Wing. Yes, that was it. He had picked up the habit when he lived as a sharpclaw with his ancestors. The darkness was comforting.

Yarrow… Poppy seeds… Nightshade… Nightshade? No, those are just black berries… There's no Nightshade by the lake…

It wouldn't be much longer until he returned to them. The thought of seeing his beloved Half Moon again made his tail curl in excitement but there was still a hollow echo in his bones. He couldn't imagine why. He knew there was nothing keeping here other than the desire to spend his last days sleeping in a warm nest instead the leaf-fall chilled night outside of clan territory. Running away would do him no good. He knew that. That thought was the only thing keeping him here. But why was his heart telling him otherwise?

Jayfeather leaned back on his haunches a bit and opened his eyes, his blind gaze staring blankly at the piles of herbs at his paws. The will to keep his muscles moving and shuffle herbs around suddenly died like embers going out in the rain. He tilted his head to one side and blinked a few times.

He wasn't sure why he suddenly stopped but he felt like he didn't have it in him to continue. Maybe later he would feel guilty and regret leaving so much work for Alderheart but in the moment, all the motivation disappeared. Jayfeather felt a flash of confusion but didn't have the energy in him to continue questioning it for long. He wanted to do nothing more than sit alone in the shadows of the medicine den, not even a whisker twitching. Sadly, all good things had to come to an end.

"Jayfeather," Alderheart said, sticking his head into the den. Jayfeather jumped at the sudden noise but managed to avoid stepping on any herbs. Alderheart was at his side in a few steps. "Hey, are you alright?"

"Yeah," Jayfeather responded. His voice sounded gravally. He realized that he hadn't spoken in awhile. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah. You just surprised me."

"Well then I've got another surprise for you," Alderheart said but he didn't sound particularly enthusiastic or even happy. "You've got a visitor."

Jayfeather looked at him and cocked his head. "And why did the cat feel the need to send you to get me instead of just coming here himself?"

"At the border," Alderheart told him patiently. Jayfeather's pelt felt warm. Oh. Alderheart sounded amused though so Jayfeather didn't feel all that bad. The younger tom let out a light, ragged purr. "Someone's waiting for you at the border."

"Who?" Jayfeather asked. He turned his attention back to the herbs and placed a paw on the last dock leaf that he had forgotten to put in the pile.

"Crowfeather," Alderheart answered. Jayfeather looked up at him surprise. Alderheart's whiskers twitched. "I know, right? Sparkpelt was on the patrol that saw him. They thought it was clan business with him being the WindClan deputy and all so they thought when he said your name, he was just asking for a medicine cat. Sparkpelt asked me to come but he just asked for you when I got there."

Jayfeather rose to his paws. "How long has he been waiting?"

Alderheart shrugged. "I don't know. You probably shouldn't keep him waiting much longer though. His temper is almost as bad as yours."

Like father, like son. Jayfeather blinked in surprise at himself. Where did that come from? He's hardly my father. He shook his head and padded towards the exit. "Where was he waiting?"

"Kind of by the lake. He's at that place you go sometimes," Alderheart told him.

Jayfeather paused and glanced over his shoulder. "What?"

Alderheart huffed. "Don't pretend you don't. You know, that place kind of off the bank where the tree roots are on the surface? You go there sometimes to calm down."

Jayfeather hadn't realized Alderheart noticed. He knew Lionblaze did when they were just apprentices. Afterall, that was where his beloved stick used to be hidden. He went there often, it would be impossible for his brother not to notice. But now that he was a full fledged medicine cat? He didn't think he went there all that much anymore. Especially not since he destroyed his stick all those seasons ago. And certainly not enough for Alderheart to notice.

Alderheart didn't say anything and Jayfeather decided to let it go. He could worry about it later. Right now, he had more important things to worry about.

"What was it like giving up life as a warrior?"

If Jayfeather jumped at the sound of the voice, neither the blind tom nor Crowfeather mentioned it. Jayfeather hadn't quite located Crowfeather yet but apparently he was only a few taillengths away and he just hadn't scented him quite yet so the voice sounded like it came out of nowhere. Jayfeather hated it when that happened. It always made him jump, losing the illusion of composure he usually held. It let cats see past his mask, his facade. The thought of that always made his stomach churn.

Jayfeather recovered quickly and managed to keep up his usual swagger before sitting down a few mouse lengths away from the dark tom. He faced away from him, trying not to show interest even though he was dying to ask why Crowfeather had asked him here. He hadn't thought yesterday's talk had been anything special. He had no intention of trying to go at it again but here they were. I guess Crowfeather wanted this as much as I did.. Do? Do I want to form some kind of bond with my father before I go? I thought I just wanted to talk to him. Wouldn't forming something positive be cruel?

He decided that one more talk wouldn't hurt.

It wasn't much of a decision.

He knew he wanted it.

"I suppose," Jayfeather said, answering Crowfeather's earlier question. "It was… I don't know, frustrating? Every cat told me I couldn't do it and I wanted to do nothing more than prove them wrong and live out everything I dreamed of doing since I was a kit but… I knew that the path of a medicine cat was right for me. Everything was so much easier after that. Why do you ask?"

"You gave up your opportunity to fight for the clan, the chance to find love, and even your freedom," Crowfeather said. His voice was resolute. Jayfeather had never heard that from him. He had always gotten the feeling that Crowfeather was a cat who lacked security and confidence despite his actions implying otherwise. Right now, he sounded like the great cat Bramblestar had told him stories about when Jayfeather was just a kit in the nursery.

Jayfeather could picture Crowfeather's blue eyes probing him, searching for answers on a face with an unreadable expression. If he still had his powers, Jayfeather was certain he'd feel a flash of annoyance off the other tom. Cats often did when speaking to him. His face betrayed nothing. If he could see, he supposed he would be able to understand it but he couldn't so he refused to dwell on it. It was their problem, not his.

Crowfeather started talking again but Jayfeather took pity and saved him from giving an explanation to the question. "I was born with all of those things in my heart. Losing them tore me apart. More than once."

"What's that feel like?" Crowfeather asked. "Being torn up like that?"

Jayfeather snorted. "I'd think you of all cats would know."

Crowfeather wrapped his tail around his legs. "Losing the only things I truly valued… It was like someone clawed my heart open and exposed all the ugly inside of it that no cat should ever see."

Jayfeather turned so their eyes locked. "And that's where the bitterness comes from."

Crowfeather let out a breath. It almost sounded like a laugh. A dark chuckle, laughing at his own expense. "I suppose that's one thing we have in common, don't we?"