Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors

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"I hope it all gets dark soon… I feel better all alone in the dark."

~Kevin Breel, Boy Meets Depression (page 80)

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Jayfeather walked away from his meeting with Crowfeather with a heavy heart. It was lighter than it had been when he left camp that morning but grief and emptiness still lingered. Emotionally, he hadn't felt his best since receiving the notice of his upcoming death and the talk with Feathertail only made him crave it more.

Life was pain and death would be the relief he needed. He just wanted to see Half Moon again.

It was more than that though. Leafpool, Hollyleaf, Foxleap, Icecloud, Purdy, Toadstep, Hazeltail, and so many other cats were waiting for him too. Here in the clans, only a pawful of cats cared about him and honestly he didn't think his death could matter very much to them. Well, maybe Alderheart. The loss of Jayfeather would mean more work for him but Jayfeather was positive his old apprentice could handle it.

Those lonely feelings began to resonate in his chest a bit louder than before at the thought. In the past, Lionblaze had been the only cat who Jayfeather really cared for. He was his pillar of strength and support. Maybe that was why Jayfeather felt like he was falling apart. His constant was gone. He had been for awhile. Lionblaze doesn't care about me like he used to. We're brothers but more by blood than true kinship at this point.

Jayfeather's jaw muscles tightened a bit, clenching around the stick he still held in his maw. The stick was perfect. It felt exactly like the stick he had an apprentice, save the scratch marks. He didn't know when the need arose but he had felt an itch for a long time. Guilt still plagued him over the destruction of Rock's stick. He didn't have much time left and he wasn't going to waste it. Jayfeather knew he would be forgotten but the cats of the past deserved to be remembered. His past as both Jay's Wing and his past as Jayfeather.

"You look like a dopy twoleg dog with that stick in your mouth," a voice commented and Jayfeather's attention was pulled back to the forest. A quick sniff told him he had run into the sunhigh patrol.

It was Thornclaw who had spoken and Jayfeather was relieved that both he and Whitewing were on the patrol. As of late, just being around familiar cats was a comfort when the younger ones were around. He was able to identify them- the other two cats on Thornclaw's patrol were Honeyfur and Fernsong- but they still felt like strangers in his home and he still questioned how that even came to be.

In response to Thornclaw's call, Jayfeather merely flicked his ear and padded over. Setting down the stick, he asked, "Are you heading back to camp?"

Thornclaw made a noise of confirmation. "Yeah. Do you want to tag along? I'm sure one of the youngsters could get that, eh, stick for you."

"We're not that much younger than you," Honeyfur protested. Fernsong slapped her with his tail and hissed something quietly to her about respect that Jayfeather didn't quite catch. The grey tom couldn't help but sigh.

Whitewing rolled her eyes and snorted. "Any one of us is older than your parents."

Fernsong took a step toward the blind medicine cat. "Do you want me to take that?"

"It's fine. I can carry it."

"Let me," Fernsong insisted and picked up the stick. For a heartbeat, Jayfeather panicked, desperately wanting to snatch it out of his jaws and curl around it protectively. Then he realized how pathetic that was and mentally scolded himself. It's just a stick. Not even Rock's stick.

"Why are you carrying that thing around anyway?" Thornclaw asked as the patrol began moving. The older tom fell into step beside Jayfeather, slipping into casual conversation. The two were never close but Thornclaw seemed to appreciate his presence at the moment.

"No reason," Jayfeather answered. The lie rolled off his tongue like water down a duck's back. It was easy and simple, almost second nature. He tried to keep nonchalant and shrugged passively. "Medicine cat stuff."

Thornclaw nodded, satisfied with his answer. As a senior warrior, he had long since learned that a medicine cat's duty had nothing to do with him so there was no sense in prying. The younger warriors still hadn't seemed to learn that yet.

"What could you possibly use it for?" Honeyfur asked, inspecting the stick in Fernsong's maw. "You can't use it as medicine."

"Medicine cats do more than give medicine and sort herbs," Whitewing reminded, clearly trying to tell Honeyfur to drop it but the she-cat didn't catch on.

"So StarClan stuff? What could a stick have to do with StarClan?"

"The trees are older than StarClan," Jayfeather answered ominously. He waved his tail loosely. "Don't doubt them."

Honeyfur still didn't seem to get the message. "But-"

Whitewing shouldered her and hissed something into her ear. Honeyfur closed her mouth and stopped talking and for that Jayfeather was grateful. He wasn't in the mood to deal with nosy warriors today. Heavy emotions still plagued him and he had things to do.

Thornclaw and Whitewing slipped into conversation as they headed back toward camp and Jayfeather was left awkwardly walking beside Fernsong while Honeyfur took the lead. Jayfeather could feel Fernsong's eyes on him, clearly expecting him to trip or crash into a tree. It made Jayfeather want to squirm under his fur. He hated it when cats looked at him like that. Fernsong wasn't all that young and he was his kin but he just hadn't spent enough time with Jayfeather for the two to reach the point of mutual respect at the level Jayfeather shared with older cats like Thornclaw and Whitewing. Jayfeather felt a stab of guilt in his chest at the thought. He's my brother's kit but we never really bonded and now it's too late. Maybe that's for the better. He won't miss me when I'm gone.

Jayfeather frowned as old musings fought their way back to the forefront of his mind. Would Lionblaze miss him? He was his brother, his only remaining littermate. Once, they were as close as cats could be but many moons had passed since their kitting. Their relationship wasn't the same as it once was. They hadn't been distanced by their roles in the clan but now it felt like both stood firmly in their places as warrior and medicine cat. They shared nothing anymore. Not the bond of siblings, not the responsibility of the prophecy, not even mutual friends. They lived in the same clan but sat in different hemispheres of existence. They had for a long time.

The realization caused another jolt of pain to strike his heart. This time, he physically winced but he shook his head and choose to ignore it.

The cats were pushing through the bramble entrance before long. Fernsong had to put down the stick and reposition it to get it through but within a few heartbeats, it was in the camp and Fernsong was ready to pass it over. Jayfeather nodded his thanks and was about to pick it up when a familiar voice interrupted.

"Fernsong!" Cinderheart called bounding over. Jayfeather expected to hear his name too but it never came.

He pretended that he couldn't feel the stab of pain or the throb echoing in his chest.

"Cinderheart," Fernsong greeted. He sounded happy.

Cinderheart lapped her son's cheek. "Your father just came back from patrol. We were waiting for you to show up. We were hoping to share tongues and maybe a rabbit. I feel like it's been so long since we've talked to you."

"Of course," Fernsong said easily. "I was just helping out Jayfeather."

Jayfeather waved his tail now that his presence was finally noticed.

"Hey, you got another stick," a third voice commented, joining in.

"I noticed. And they say I'm the blind one," Jayfeather said sarcastically. He smiled and purred softly. "It's good to see you, Lionblaze."

"Likewise," Lionblaze responded, matching his softer tone. "What's the stick for?"

"Medicine cat stuff," Jayfeather told him, using the same excuse as before. Technically, he wasn't wrong.

"You need help?"

"I've got it." Jayfeather picked up the stick in his mouth and nearly dropped it. For a heartbeat, he thought he'd stumbled but quickly realized the stick just wasn't balanced. The realization relieved him. That would've been embarrassing.

"You do that," Lionblaze said, turning away. "Fernsong, Cinderheart, and I are going to share some fresh-kill. It feels like it's been forever since we spent any time together."

You shared a pigeon with them three sunrises ago, Jayfeather wanted to say. It's been over two moons since we've shared tongues. Please… I don't have much longer. I just want to spend time with you.

But Lionblaze could never hear his thoughts. He would never know. He would never know how much his younger brother desperately just wanted to talk to him. Jayfeather didn't care what it was about or if they laughed or if they argued. He didn't care if they just sat in silence. He just wanted to spend an afternoon with his brother. He couldn't though.

Anxiety prickled in his pelt. Cinderheart, Lionblaze, and Fernsong turned away without even another glance in his direction, caught up in their own little family, and padded away, oblivious to the words spiraling in Jayfeather's head that he so desperately wanted to scream out. Come back. Please. Don't leave me alone right now. The words didn't leave his mouth. He didn't think he could say them. He didn't feel like he should say them. His brother had a new family and Jayfeather had no place in it. He was sure of it.

Carrying the stick in his mouth, Jayfeather padded into his den. Pain spread through his chest like bolts of lightning and a heavy feeling seized his body, making his pawsteps clumsy and uneven. He let out a long sigh through his nose before setting down the stick and flopping down on his nest. He curled up, placing his tail over his face. He could work on carving the marks into the stick tomorrow. Right now, he just wanted to sleep the bad feelings in his chest away.