Neia walked back to her temporary residence, passing a number of bars along the way. She sighed, she wanted a drink and if she was being truthful, she wanted a lot of them. However this was a time of great importance, she couldn't cut loose publicly, the rumor mill would rip her apart. The streets were calm and peaceful, and she was comforted by that. The rule of the emperor under the command of her god had been a prosperous one. Security was tight.
She let her thoughts carry her while her feet went on without her direction. She knew she drew the occasional look, some from people who recognized her, some of whom followed her, and others who merely felt her presence as an unconscious thing. Having a commanding presence had become an ingrained part of her identity, something so much a part of her that it never truly faded, so… from those attuned to those forces, she drew looks. It made her value her privacy that much more.
She felt on edge, from everything. The near death of herself and the actual death of her wife had been a great deal to endure. Well... that and the constant grilling, while many of the priests were her allies in there, those of the Baharuth Empire, many of those of Re-Estize, most of her homeland, and virtually all of the Draconic Kingdom, that did not mean there were not hold outs. The former Slane Theocracy had most of them, but they were by no means alone. Individual temples who opposed the inclusion of a new god or the replacement of the old were united against her, and they comprised enough that there was the very real possibility of defeat here. To have won the war, only to have lost the point of it… she let out a heavy sigh and covered her face, then as she rounded the corner, she felt a collision.
Her hand immediately went to her bow and she leaped back from the threat, she'd drawn the bow before she even identified the cause of the collision. There on the ground was a terrified child. She froze, realizing what she'd almost… 'almost', done, and she put the bow away. "Are you alright, child?" She asked, coming close to him. He was a boy of perhaps eight and had sandy hair and tan skin framing brown eyes.
He looked at her from the ground in shock, from his perspective he'd almost died, he looked at Neia in absolute terror, when the collision happened and she'd jumped straight to combat posture, some of her killing intent had been unleashed, and as a result the unprepared child was frozen in terror.
Even when that killing intent died and the bow was put away, Neia's approach was not a welcome thing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" She didn't get to say more, because as she came closer he rolled to a sprinter's starting position and took off in the opposite direction, wailing in distress.
Neia stood there, rooted to the spot for a moment, still reaching out awkwardly to assist the fleeing child and let out a heavy sigh while cursing her overreaction and resumed the walk back to her hotel. She went back to being lost in her own thoughts. "I nearly killed that kid." She said with a shudder. "By my god, if I'd been drinking, would I have realized in time that it was just an accident?" She said softly. As she muttered under her breath, she reflected wordlessly how much she'd lied to Lakyus about her wellbeing. It was a huge relief when she got to the hotel, she didn't go to the room being used for investigation, instead she stopped by the front desk and asked that a few bottles of wine be sent up to her room, and then she hurried away, eager to be alone.
When she got there, she didn't get in bed, she went and sat in a corner of the room and just stared at nothing until a knock at the door confirmed the arrival of what she'd wanted. She got up, shaped her face into a perfect mask of smiles and warmth, and approached to let the delivery in. "Hi, thank you for coming." She said to the young smartly dressed man wheeling a cart. He pushed it inside and set the bottles on a nearby table.
"Of course, ma'am, always happy to serve." He said with a contented smile that held an almost radiant innocence. His manners were the kind of perfection expected of elite establishments such as this one, and Neia tipped him generously as he left. "I hope you and your visitors have a wonderful evening." He said as he walked out.
Neia almost denied having any, and then realized what he thought. She looked at the bottles on the table, he assumed it was for more than one, and she chose not to correct him. Instead she gave him a practiced smile and allowed him to leave without another word. When the door shut behind her, she went straight for the bottle and ripped out the cork. She didn't need a glass. Not for the first, second, third, or fourth bottle. She didn't even taste it, though she only felt it as she sat in her corner and let herself crash into the mental oblivion she longed for. It was a relief to pass out, and she didn't start to come too until Skana returned.
Lakyus had taken her time after leaving the Synod, mentally putting together everything they knew as she walked, but most of all the truth was, she was worried about Neia, the woman had lied to her, that much Lakyus knew. She wasn't fine, and wouldn't be, not at this pace. The grilling, the stress, and the aftereffects of the war ate at her. Given all she'd seen, it was a wonder she wasn't already a gibbering mess. A lot of people were like that, the war ended, but they never really came home.
As she walked, she came to a decision, there was only one to whom she could speak about this. She cast a message spell. "Sebas." She said as it connected.
"Lady Lakyus, what can I do for you?" He asked.
"Would it be possible for me to speak with…" she paused, speaking of him, let alone to him, was always quite an experience, "the Sorcerer King? I don't want to be a bother, but it's about Neia Baraja, and he's the only one who I can turn to in this."
There was silence for a few minutes, and a moment later a gate opened in an alley just out of the corner of her eye. "Enter," he said. "Lord Ainz awaits you in his office."
"Thank you." She said, and cut the connection. She took several swift long steps, and then she was out of Arwintar, and found herself in a very functional but ornate, private office. There wasn't one item in the room that wasn't worth a wealthy kingdom's annual budget, but that was no longer the least bit surprising to the apostate priestess. What was surprising was how quickly she'd gotten her request granted, and that she was alone with him in this place, she'd expected a more public setting.
"Sit." The Sorcerer King said, breaking her out of her reverie as he gestured to a nearby chair next to the desk at which he sat.
She bowed deeply, "I'm sorry, I should have bowed as soon as I came in, it's just…" He waved away her objection.
"It's fine. This is an unusual situation." He said. "Plus you've done a great service to me, Ryli has proved a treasure trove of information, but I'll tell you what Vanysa wrung from her in a moment, why don't you begin, tell me what troubles you about my representative." It was phrased as a question, but it wasn't a question.
"Sire, may I first ask a question of my own?" Lakyus said as she claimed the seat he'd gestured to. She put her hands together in her lap and looked at him curiously until he nodded.
"Proceed." He said.
"Your majesty, how do you feel about her?" Lakyus asked.
It was clearly not what he expected her to ask, and though his skeletal face had no expression he leaned back in his chair and remained silent for what felt like a solid minute.
"That is a… complicated subject." He answered. She nodded, but added nothing in response. He remained silent for a long time.
"You know how we met of course," he said and she nodded again. "She was the first human of her kingdom to put faith in me, the first to truly devote herself to my will. Even at Carne, where they were loyal to the death, it was not the same. Neia personally served me through danger, even losing her life carrying out my will. The villagers of Carne largely sought to repay a debt and though they took risks, they wanted to continue their lives as they had before. Neia Baraja was went another direction entirely. She dedicated her life to me in a constant way that nobody outside Nazarick had ever done before." Ainz said, and though his face could tell her nothing, the tone of his voice was filled with something resembling affection.
"I wondered at one point if she had fallen in love with me." He chuckled slightly and Lakyus' hand darted to cover her mouth, but he shook his head dispelling the notion. "But I realized that she saw me as a father like figure in her life. She did not grow up happily, and to her I filled a void. In time, I came to see her in a similar light, before I was as I am now, I had no children or grandchildren. In a manner of speaking, you could say she's like a child of my own. So to answer your question, I care about her." He said.
This revelation hit Lakyus like a ton of bricks. "I… see." She began, but he was not done.
"I know I have asked very much of her, I didn't really realize it until after Wenmark. The intricacies of the human mind are still somewhat lost on me, but I know she's been deeply wounded." He said with a shake of his head that spoke of ample regret for her mental scarring.
"I see." Lakyus repeated, more firmly this time, "Sire, I beg your pardon for the presumptuous of the question, but I don't ask without good reason. Plainly put, Neia is getting worse. The stress of the Synod, the near permanent death of her wife, she's fraying at the edges and I don't know how much longer she can keep it together. She almost drew a sword on me in the middle of the street, that isn't like her...not at all. She needs help. Is there nothing that can be done ?" Lakyus asked, leaning in desperately.
"I didn't know you were that close to her." The Sorcerer King said curiously.
"Well, we grew closer during the last battle of Prart." Lakyus said, "My sisters and I did spend a lot of time there after all." Lakyus said by way of explanation.
"I see, so you would be well positioned to recognize when something is wrong." Ainz said thoughtfully.
"Yes, your majesty." Lakyus said and nodded emphatically. "She blames herself for a great deal, and even what isn't a matter of blame, well she lived through worse events than perhaps anyone else, even for the most case hardened, pain and the fear of it can cripple someone even after it and the threat of it passes."
Ainz nodded slowly, thinking of the veterans of the terrible wars of his old world.
"The construction of the halls of healing is complete." Ainz said. "They finished very recently in fact. You know about them, correct?" He asked.
Lakyus shook her head. "I heard some vague notions of places of recovery but… nothing specific."
"In another world I visited, there were terrible wars, and they left many maimed in body and mind over thousands and thousands of years of human history. The kingdoms, empires, and nations of that world created, as a result, many who were maimed in mind as Neia is. As a result, they had much experience in treating her condition, the halls I have built are intended for that purpose, to help bring people back from the horror they endured." Ainz said.
Lakyus almost missed all the rest of what he'd said, when his casual mention of other worlds and thousands upon thousands of years of human history hit home for her, but she maintained focus and resolved to ask more later. "Sire, why is she not there then?" Lakyus asked.
Ainz folded his skeletal fingers together on the desk, "Because unlike magic to heal the body, healing the mind is another matter. She has to recognize the problem, she has to accept that she needs help, and she has to actively participate in it all the way. If I ordered her to go, she would obey, but unless her heart is in it, she won't get better. Moreover, as long as she sees it as a defect in her character, or fears that others will, she won't allow herself to be seen as someone who needs help."
"But she's not weak!" Lakyus almost hissed out to avoid shouting at the Sorcerer King.
"No, she is not. I told her as much. You needn't convince me of that." He said flatly.
"Oh, so you don't…" She began.
"No. I do not see any failure or weakness. If a man stabs you through the eye, are you weak for losing sight there?" He asked rhetorically. "Of course not, nor is she weak for this injury to her mental health. But it is easier to convince someone they're injured when an eyeball goes missing, than it is to convince them that they're injured when their mind is tearing them apart."
Lakyus felt the frustration coming off of him as he spoke. "We can be our own worst enemies, can't we?" She said with equal frustration as she thought back to her time with Keeno.
"Very much so." He replied.
"What can be done then?" Lakyus asked.
"There are few options." The Sorcerer King admitted. "If the Synod of Arwintar were ended already, she could withdraw from the public eye, I could have Pestonya treat her here in Nazarick, bring her friends together, along with some of the other Black Justice veterans that suffer similar to the way she has. Many of them are already attending various houses around the Sorcerous Empire." Ainz said with some relief.
"I didn't know that." Lakyus said with surprise.
"You didn't think I'd forget about them, did you?" He asked with some reproof in his voice.
"Your majesty, forgive me for such a base thought. I am ill accustomed to rulers who mind the well being of those far below their station." Lakyus said with a bowing of her head.
Ainz allowed the apology to stand. "In any case, as the Synod is not complete, that isn't an option, if I ordered her to remove herself, she might fall apart completely."
"Could it be cast as a reward? Allow someone else to speak, perhaps Skana or one of the other priests from your temples in Arwintar, then bring her to Nazarick for a time to recover and cope with the stress?" Lakyus asked.
Ainz touched his chin in a gesture that was… very human in Lakyus's eyes, prompting her to wonder what he was before this, a question she resolved to ask one day soon if opportunity presented itself.
"Yes, that might work. Tell me, how is your investigation going? I did offer the services of Demiurge and Vanysa, and the offer still stands." Ainz said.
"We're optimistic, you got Ryli from us after all, and the emperor cooperated very well. If everything went well with Skana, the guards that were appropriated will have found the origin of the food and the server. I'll find out when I return to the hotel. Did Ryli reveal anything of significance?" Lakyus asked.
Lakyus was sure that if his face allowed it, he'd have had a wolfish grin on his face, given how he spoke next. "Oh yes. As I said, a treasure trove of information, but as to this in particular, the chief revelation was that she is also tied to the poisoner."
"You have a name sire?" Lakyus asked with surprise. He shook his head.
"No, she didn't know who it was, but there is a clue in her quarters, I was going to have it recovered, but as you're here, I will leave that to you. The clerk at the front desk who works the night shift is one of her contacts, he handles deliveries for her, she said to look for a bottle in her room at the hotel, and that would lead you back to the source. According to her, and after all that she's been put through I believe her statement, while she is not the poisoner, she has used it before and it came in an identical bottle, and she saw this bottle on the person she spoke with. Find the bottle's origin, and you should be able to trace it back to its source, and from there, to whom it was sold."
Lakyus stood up, "Thank you, your majesty. I'll get right on it." She said.
"Oh, and one more thing." Ainz said, raising one bony finger of warning. "If you notice a sudden surge in happiness in Neia Baraja, notify me personally, and immediately."
Lakyus looked at him in surprise, but bowed in return, "It will be done, your majesty." She said, and within minutes he had a gate opened for her and she found herself in front of a hotel. She wasted no time, walking in immediately and going to the front desk.
"Give me the key to Ryli's room." She said.
The man at the front desk balked at her demand, but was too surprised to even retort, so Lakyus leaned in and whispered softly to him.
"Ryli has been taken by the Sorcerer King for her involvement in the assassination attempt on Pope Neia Baraja, that attack killed the wife of that dragon riding pope, and your connection to Ryli is known, now you have two choices, give me the goddamn key or expect to see Ryli again very soon, the only reason you're talking to me and not to the personal interrogator of the Sorcerer King is because I just happened to be in front of him when he informed me about it and he asked me to check it out personally. Now… give… me… the key." She said.
He did not balk further, he reached back and with a practiced gesture, pulled it from the wall and placed it on the desk. "Note that I am… cooperating." He said with a hard swallow.
"Noted." She said and snatched it up and checked out the number etched on its side. A few minutes later she turned it in the lock and walked in, it was a neat enough room, standard fare for a hotel like this one. She went to a wardrobe and rummaged through it, there were various types of clothing, from the finest to the farthest from the fine one could imagine. Probably to allow her to blend easily into multiple venues. She went to a desk and riffled through it, nothing special except a trashy novel. "Pervy's Paradise." She read the cover and picked it up. She flipped open the novel when she felt the unusual weight, and there she found what she sought. The pages had been painstakingly cut out in the center, creating a place to store small objects, in this case, a very finely crafted bottle. Lakyus dropped the book and looked at what she now held, it was incredibly ornate, clearly meant for something special. It was capped with a small pump, and that gave away the purpose.
"Perfume." She said with absolute confidence. "So, this was how it was delivered, and something like this is was what it was stored in." She said out loud to the empty room. She left and went downstairs, the desk clerk was gone, she thought nothing of it. He no longer mattered, and she was quite certain he'd be running for the rest of his life.
She left that hotel and returned back to her own. CZ and Skana were waiting for her in their impromptu headquarters with Captain Strega.
"Who is this?" Lakyus asked curiously.
"Ma'am, I'm Captain Strega, one of the soldiers assigned to your assistance for the duration of this investigation ma'am." He said crisply and he rendered a prompt salute.
"I see." Lakyus said and took her seat. "Have you anything to report?" She asked.
"Ma'am, I do, ma'am." He said stiffly.
"Proceed." Skana said gesturing with one hand for him to stand in front of them, as CZ shut the door, closing them in.
"My soldiers found both the waiter and the restaurant at which he works, that same restaurant uses trays exactly like the one you described. We also know exactly where the waiter lives, and I have teams tailing him at all times, he can't make a move without our knowing it, he can be taken at any time."
"Marvelous work, Captain." Lakyus said with a firm conviction in her voice. "I will commend you and your men to your emperor for this."
"Ma'am, thank you, ma'am." He said firmly.
"You may go for now, tell your men that CZ and I will be stopping by tonight to… collect, the waiter personally," she said. "Just have them keep an eye on him for now, and while you're at it, keep an eye on the chef from the restaurant as well. I doubt he was involved, these high class chefs seems to take their food ethics very seriously, but it couldn't hurt as a precaution. Come back and wait outside after informing your men, and we should be ready shortly after you return." Lakyus said, and he promptly exited with a polite bow.
"Find something?" Skana asked.
"Lots." CZ answered.
"Yes." Lakyus added. "The one who sold the reservation information did so to a broker named Ryli, we captured her and she was sent for questioning in Nazarick, she revealed everything, though that wasn't as much as we'd hoped. She wasn't the poisoner herself, but she did know what held the poison." Lakyus took the bottle out of the pouch she carried as she explained what she'd learned and how she'd found it. "This, it is meant for perfume, the waiter probably sprayed this onto the cheesecake before serving it, and while it wasn't this bottle, I'd wager we find one just like it in the waiter's home."
"Elegant delivery system." Skana said almost admiringly. "So we need to find where that bottle came from then, don't we?" She asked.
"We do. Which won't be all that hard, this is a very expensive design, one I don't recognize, which means we can eliminate two sources for it, it didn't come from anywhere in the Baharuth Empire, and it didn't come from the Re-Estize Kingdom." She said with an emphatic nod.
"Wait, how do you know that?" Skana asked incredulously.
"Remember who I am, Skana." Lakyus said with a smile, "I'm an adamantite adventurer as well as a noble, I've attended countless formal events in both of these two countries, if any formal sale of perfume had taken place in a bottle like this, I would have at least seen it. That means it isn't one used by the royalty or nobility of either location."
"Slane Theocracy." CZ said abruptly.
"Right, I'm not a gambler like Tia or Tina, but I'd be willing to bet that we find a perfumer in that region that uses bottles just like this, and I'll just bet that our waiter can give us an exact description, or close enough, to just who we're looking for." Lakyus said with a satisfied smile.
"One problem." Skana said, "We don't even know that he was as involved as he seems."
CZ and Lakyus looked at Skana incredulously.
She looked right back at them. "Look, so far everybody we've managed to track down has been a dupe of some sort. The restaurant owner where it happened wasn't involved at all, the one who sold the reservations wasn't in on the plot, he thought it was just someone who wanted to sit near Neia and perhaps get a chance to meet her. The one he sold the information to is an information broker who had no idea it was a murder plot… not that we should think she cared, but she didn't know. The desk clerk who directed you to her room didn't know anything much beyond where she stayed. We can probably rule out the chef who prepared the dish because…" She sighed and drummed her fingers on the table, "Well, the chefs in these high class establishments are exceedingly proud, there is just nothing to gain for them that they don't already have and the empire has benefited enormously from their ties to the Sorcerer King, so much so that Black Justice temples are found in every major city now. I just don't see a local fanatic in this, let alone someone who would destroy their reputation."
"Fair enough, I guess we'll be gentle with the waiter when we take him." Lakyus said softly.
"Not too gentle." Skana said, "He was still involved in something he surely should have known to avoid."
"Fine." CZ said, and stood up, followed quickly by Lakyus.
"One more thing before we go." Lakyus said, and Skana paused in mid step as she was about to leave.
"Yes?" Skana asked.
"I spoke with the Sorcerer King, after the Synod." She said, lowering her eyes apologetically. Skana and CZ looked at her uncertainly.
"I spoke to him about Neia." She clarified.
Skana's eye narrowed. "Explain."
Lakyus' eyes snapped up to Skana's single green eye. She briefly glanced at CZ, as if wondering if she should continue, but a firm small nod from Skana gave her permission to continue, CZ was a close companion and deeply trusted.
"Skana, she's not well. She almost drew a sword on me in the middle of the city, she's fraying, like walking on a knife's edge trying not to fall either way and cutting herself deeper with every step anyway." Lakyus held her hands open at her side, trying to convey the seriousness of the matter.
"I'm a priestess, even if I'm an apostate, it has been my life to bend an ear, and I'm telling you, no matter how bad you think it is in her head, its worse." She said.
"What did the Sorcerer King say?" Skana asked.
"We talked for a time on the matter, and he agrees she needs some time away, but there is no way Neia will stop or rest during the Synod. But if there is a 'reward' involved, if her time away is treated as a gift for some service, she might take it." Lakyus said hopefully.
"Find the killer." CZ suggested.
"Exactly." Lakyus replied. "Nobody in the Synod would object to a break from the process to deal with that."
Skana let out a heavy sigh. "I know my wife isn't well. I am still surprised to hear that she came that close to violence but… please understand, as much as she seems to open up, she takes a lot onto herself, and the losses have weighed on her. True they weigh on me too, but for her it is different. She got the worst of it, and because she was making the calls, she feels the greatest part of the guilt."
Lakyus nodded, "I understand, and I wouldn't say anything but… something has to be done."
Skana touched Lakyus's shoulder gently. "Thank you, for everything, I think I can speak for both Neia and myself when I say, it means a lot to us."
"Anytime." Lakyus said, touching that hand with her opposite one. "Oh, he did say one more thing. He said to notify him immediately if there was a sudden upsurge in her evident happiness."
"Strange. Why is that?" Skana asked with a tilt of her head.
Lakyus shrugged, "No idea. But I thought you both should hear it."
"He is never wrong." CZ said.
Skana let out a yawn, "I'm sorry, I still feel half dead, I know it isn't that late, but I'm going to bed. I'll remember what you said Lakyus, thanks again."
"You're welcome, CZ, will you join me, we've got a waiter to serve justice to." Lakyus said, prompting a groan from the departing Skana at the pun as the other two went out to meet Captain Strega.
Skana returned to the room to find that Neia was on the floor in the corner. She wasn't passed out, but she had obviously been drinking a fair bit, judging by the bottles that lay around quite empty. She began to remove her clothing. Skana was just about to speak when the swift warrior pope came close and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I missed you." She whispered.
Skana dropped her shirt away and broke the kiss to whisper the same in return. It was obvious what Neia wanted, perhaps needed, and though she still felt weak, the urgency of Neia's body was not lost on her. She was not averse to the touch of her beloved, and so off the clothing came, the lights went out and they tumbled beneath the sheets. Neia was in a frenzy, her fingers, lips, tongue, caressed her wife in every intimate place, but through it all, even through the pleasurable shivers she felt as Neia gave herself to her wife, Skana knew something was wrong, this wasn't how she was, it wasn't who she was. She thought back to Prart, she'd stumbled upon a young couple in a frenzied passion during the height of the siege, both soldiers, bits of armor and their weapons scattered about. They were people who were mating as if they were about to die.
That was what this felt like, but Skana, ironically given the circumstances, did not feel as if she were going to die. Not then, and not now. But that was how Neia felt to her in this moment, as a woman possessed by the certainty of her end. Skana reached down to where her lover was pressed, and grabbed for her and pulled her forcefully up, so that her one green eye was locked with the gaze of Neia Baraja. She kissed her, passionately, and locked her arms around the woman so that she couldn't easily get loose, she pulled her down, tight, holding her fast.
When the kiss broke and their breasts were pressed firmly to one another, Skana whispered softly to the heavily intoxicated Neia, "It's alright. I'm here, I'm not going to die, you're not going to die, everything is okay." She stroked Neia's golden hair at the back of her head, caressing her lovingly. Some part of it had cut through the drunken haze, and when Neia kissed her again, it was slower, easier, and the next two hours stretched on like an eternal bliss, until at last they relaxed and fell asleep or at least, Skana did.
Neia looked at Skana's sleeping face, it had been a frenzied lovemaking that had gradually become more tender, and it had left the still weakened woman exhausted. Good, that was what Neia wanted. She gently disentangled herself from her sleeping wife's arms, and slipped from beneath the sheets with the kind of stealth that few other than an elite scout could manage.
When she left the sheets, Neia stood up and looked down, she didn't have the dark vision of a demihuman, but her eyes were keen and accustomed to having far less light than this.
Skana moves slightly in the bed, her long strong legs were splayed out beautifully, and little murmurs that weren't quite words slipped out past her lips.
She was a stunning sight, and she'd nearly died. She 'had' died, but were it not for the quick actions of CZ to remove the poison before it could permeate her system, and were it not for the swift response of Lakyus to restore her, it might very well have been permanent.
She tried to imagine the resurrection, bringing her back just for her poison soaked organs to shut down again… Neia shook her head, it was horrible to contemplate.
She hugged herself and shook, not from cold, but from fear and inner pain tearing apart her mind. She wanted to embrace her wife again, to hold her, but so many she'd touched had been destroyed as a result. Gascon, Tiksin, countless elves... Illyana, and Skana seemed to be next on fate's list.
She walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. There was running water here, a rare luxury still, and she took advantage of it, the sound of it splashing down was interrupted by her hands cupping it into a pool, then splashing it on her face.
"Looks like I'll get one more, servant of evil." Neia heard the voice behind her and spun to confront its owner.
Remedios stood there, looking smug and satisfied. "I always knew you were poison, from the first time I met you, so did everyone else, you've always been poison, it's why everyone who follows you suffers or dies."
Remedios gave Neia a sick smile.
"You? You're dead..." Neia said breathlessly.
"Very. But not inside you, like the poison you slip into everyone around who gets too close, I'm part of you, and you'll never escape what you've done. She's next, you know it and I know it, and sooner or later, she'll know it, even if it is the last thing she ever learns. You're a burden and a poison."
"No..." Neia whispered in a broken voice.
"Yes." Remedios said. "This is how it will always be, there is no escape, not as long as you're alive, you're just going to keep hurting them, and from within and from beyond, I will watch and laugh at you. You'll even fail your own god, your little fit of temper hurt your cause I'll bet. One calls you a violent butcher, and you show him he's right by terrifying everybody." The shade laughed at her. "Putting you with the undead was the right choice, you'll destroy the chance at the status you're trying to get for him, and bring down everyone you love along the way. I couldn't ask for a better ending." Neia wanted to shout that the shade was wrong, but she didn't, her lips could barely part.
Neia's shaking grew worse, everything this… Shade? Illusion? Delusion? ...said, was true, there was only one end. She opened the door and looked out at the sleeping Skana, she'd had others in her heart before, Neia was sure she'd be okay.
She felt a lump rise in her throat and her lips quivered, not one iota of Neia's spirit wanted to be parted from her lover, her wife, the love of her life. But if that is what it took to save her from the poison she felt exuding from herself, like a heavy weight she seemed to carry with her… well, nobody had ever accused her of being hesitant in her choices. She did not doubt the love of her wife, but she would love again, she was strong. If they remained together, sooner or later, whether it be some old enemy or a new one, Skana would die for Neia's deeds. It was too unthinkable.
Her eyes fell on the belt hanging on the door, there was a knife there. A few minutes, and it would stop hurting inside, and she couldn't hurt anyone outside. A few minutes, and one small stinging sensation, then it would be over. She silently prayed for forgiveness from her god and took out the blade.
AN: Well this was a pretty heavy chapter, a lot went in to it, I realize you're probably a little pissed off at the cliff hanger. But...you'll get a chapter soon. Of course I fully expect I'll catch some flack (again) for writing a favorite character this way, or for using such a dark subject in fanfiction. But...its a subject not often talked about or little understood, but I showed the symptoms as realistically as I could, and after all she's gone through, writing her as an emotionless machine just doesn't make a damn bit of sense. The suicidal are accused of being weak, or selfish, when the truth is, they're people in pain, and the decision to end a life is often set around the desire to NOT be a burden, NOT to hurt someone else, that is the opposite of selfish, even if it is misguided.
If you or someone you know is exhibiting some of the signs shown through Neia Baraja in this story, please know that there is help out there, all over the world, if your country is not listed below, hell, call somewhere else or seek help through online support venues (suicide counselors are available over internet chat systems)
Argentina: +5402234930430
Australia: 131114
Austria: 017133374
Belgium: 106
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Botswana: 3911270
Brazil: 188 for the CVV National Association
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Croatia: 014833888
Denmark: +4570201201
Egypt: 7621602
Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian 3726555688
Finland: 010 195 202
France: 0145394000
Germany: 08001810771
Holland: 09000767
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
Hungary: 116123
India: 8888817666
Ireland: +4408457909090
Italy: 800860022
Japan: +810352869090
Mexico: 5255102550
New Zealand: 0800543354
Norway: +4781533300
Philippines: 028969191
Poland: 5270000
Portugal: 21 854 07 40/8 . 96 898 21 50
Russia: 0078202577577
Spain: 914590050
South Africa: 0514445691
Sweden: 46317112400
Switzerland: 143
United Kingdom: 08457909090
USA: 18002738255
Veterans' Crisis Line: 1 800 273 8255/ text 838255