"I think I'll stop here for now."
Kenny stared at the board. A thick jumble of symbols and numbers filled it from end to end. Integrals, partial derivatives and summations were tightly packed with variables and constants...
He could understand most of it, except for a few sections that he needed time to process. As everyone else started filing out, he remained at his seat; focusing on the messy, disorganised writing, occasionally jotting down some notes on his lecture pad.
As he gazed at the writing, he was struck by just how far he had come. A few years ago, he would never be able to understand anything the professor had just said. He would have been surprised to find himself here at all. What it took, was a few strange turns of fate and a lot of luck.
He found his mind wandering and snapped back to the present. He penned down a last equation, then did a last quick review of the whole page.
As he tried to satisfy his mind, answering the most pressing questions, he leaned back and picked up the cheap ballpoint pen. He deftly twirled it around his fingers, transferring it among the spaces between them. It was something he learned from Tweek, a friend of his back in high school. Kenny briefly wondered how he was doing back in Colorado.
After wrapping up his thoughts, Kenny decided it was time to go. He tossed up the pen, caught it with his other hand and slipped it into his old, used pencil case which contained his most prized possessions - a pencil, a worn eraser, a small sharpener, a ruler, compass and a beautiful graphing calculator, which had followed him for years. After his father had smashed the first one, he worked his ass off to get enough money for another.
Kenny stowed away his lecture notes and stationery into a bag, then left quickly. Nobody followed him. Nobody noticed him.
He was going to have an incredibly long day.
Kenny was tired.
He had been tired before, but this was different. It was the kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep would fix. A raw, dull ache, gnawing away at his soul. It felt like a bullet lodged in his chest, fragmented into tiny pieces of shrapnel, digging closer to his heart.
He sometimes wondered, what was the point? Of working a part time job serving food and pouring drinks on the campus grounds, and taking all the loans he could get, just to put himself through highly repetitive and technically complex lectures for a slip of paper?
He took physics, of course. He was no good in anything else, or simply lacked interest. Yet, at one of the best schools in the country, they wanted him to take courses in other subjects. Perhaps inspired by the stories of a former graduate, Richard Feynman, he took philosophy.
He never cared, not seriously, but he found at least a passing interest, especially in the subject of nihilism. For ages, humans had believed that simply raising one's socioeconomic status was key to happiness and self-fulfillment. But in this time and age, when humans no longer faced a constant struggle for survival, purpose lay elsewhere. It lay in the meaning one assigned to his own life. Some could find it. Many never did.
But that was only part of his struggle, Kenny knew. The rest, the largest part, was his family.
In that respect, he was different from almost everyone he had met. They had parents to look over them and pay the bills, people they could look up to. His parents were gone. So was his elder brother... every time he thought of Kevin McCormick, the ache in his chest worsened, like someone was twisting a dagger in his stomach.
There was only one person left that he cared about, one of the few bright spots in his difficult, unstable life.
Kenny became aware of the uncomfortable twinge in his spine and shifted. At that moment, he was lying on his side in the dorm bed, idly solving differential equations. His roommate was out; where to, he didn't much care.
It wasn't hard, just tedious. As long as he understood the basics, he could plow through most of the questions with ease. He applied the finishing touches on the last problem in the chapter, and after admiring the curls on his integral signs, he slammed shut the cover of his lecture pad and sat up, pushing his blonde hair back from his eyes.
The light shining in through the window was too bright, and slightly distracting. He walked up to draw shut the curtains, cutting off an awesome view of the river. At the very least, the campus had some awesome facilities, he mused. The dorm he had been assigned, Baker House, was an impressive W-shaped building facing the river, affording most students a great view from their window. Oddly, there was a dorm named after him, which was sadly reserved for female students. He would have loved to stay in McCormick Hall.
Done with the day's work, Kenny knew it was definitely time to sleep, but there was just one thing he had to do. He sat down in front of his laptop, angled up the screen, and hit the power button. Once it was on, he headed to Skype. What had his roommate said? "An ancient relic that was a novelty to use in the modern age." He chuckled to himself and clicked the video call option, for the only contact.
A few moments later, she appeared on the screen. A girl, a few years younger than him, with his eyes and his smile. Her hair was a few shades darker, but with the same state of unkemptness. His sister, Karen.
"Kenny!" she cried out eagerly. Her eyes lit up. "I missed you..."
"Love you too," Kenny said. The dull ache lessened, slightly. It was always there, but whenever he talked to his little sister, he felt more at ease, as if she shared his pain. It also made him aware of how far he was from home, how truly alone he was.
"I wanted to call, but I didn't want to bother you. I've been waiting for your call for a few days," she confessed. "I was worried about you. How's it going?"
"I'm..." the words caught in his throat. He knew what he wanted to say - that he was fine, happy, and perfectly stable, which was a lie. He struggled to find the right word. He didn't need to. She could feel it.
"Kenny," she said gently. "It's OK.
I know."
She didn't say I could help or I'm here. She simply told him that she understood exactly how he felt, and he loved her for that.
"Let's talk about something else," Kenny suggested. "What've you been up to?"
She rambled on about her high school life, back in Colorado. About her friends, their musical and fashion preferences, her teachers, and her grades, which were above average. Not good enough to become his junior, but consistent. And of course, her foster parents.
He just sat and listened. Her voice was comforting, soothing his frayed nerves, and giving him a little respite. Just watching her speak at length about nothing in particular took his mind of his studies and job. After a while, he spoke a little about how he was fitting in at MIT, and what he was learning.
When he was speaking to her, it seemed like time passed too quickly. Soon enough, she needed to hang up.
"Goodbye, Kenny," she sighed. "Remember to call. If anything's wrong, just tell me."
"Bye." With a last, long look, Kenny terminated the call and closed the laptop.
A few minutes later, the room was dark and he lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Thinking.