"Remus?"
Peter knocked a third time.
"Remus?"
Peter turned into a rat then slid in and found Remus, a shell of himself, digging into the wall leaving a blood trail behind screaming in grief, despair, and regrets. He was hurting badly. Peter returned to his human form then reached a hand out and placed it on to Remus's shoulder. He used his other hand to perform a spell that locked the windows and made it sound proof for what was the night ahead of them.
"Talk to me about him."
"I never got to propose," Remus trembled as Peter silently chanted a healing spell for the man's fingernails and removed the stains in the wall and on his clothing. "I never got to propose the question."
"What question?"
"If he would be my Wizarding husband."
"Your-Husband?"
Remus sniffled.
"Yes."
Peter closed the curtains to the room over the window.
"I didn't know you were going to do that, Remus. How come you didn't tell the others?"
"I wanted it to be a surprise."
"I won't tell the Potters of this tragedy."
"Thank you."
"So that makes it another of our secrets?"
"Breaking Lily's china dishes by accident in human form." Remus started to smile as he regained his composure "Asides to that; it does." he looked toward Peter. "How is he?"
"Not himself." Peter said. "He is . . so. . . innocent. Like a child. A insane child. I visited him yesterday; he was rowing a boat that wasn't there." He eyed at Remus. "Did you canoe with him?"
Remus shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, pained.
"No. We talked about it."
"He flipped over-" Peter stopped himself then Remus lifted his head up with a sigh. "The healers had to medicate him." He rubbed Remus's back as the man opened his eyes with pain in them. "He was having a 'summer camp' episode according to the healers."
Remus sobbed in to his fist.
"Did he talk back?"
"Kept referring to me as counselor Dish. Before the episode. It was fun playing with him like old times sake for a little while."
And sealed his fate for the night, of watching Remus at his worst, the grief channeling through his werewolf form. It was the worst nights of the change in Peter's view. It hadn't been that bad in the last one. Then again, Sirius had been there in the last change. October 13th, the day that most muggles claimed was a bad day. And it was a bad day in many respects. Because it was the last time that Remus had the love of his life close to him in the same room at night.
Remus howled and it wasn't one of his normal howls.
That much Peter recognized.
It was the howl of grief.
Peter found a place in the wilderness of Alaska the day after Remus's full moon. It had been a impromptu trip in which he apparated after using his passport. It was the most remote area that he could find after traveling for many days. He came to the center of the forest then set up his medical site within a shelter that he made with some spells.
Peter looked at his damned hand reflectively with his sleeve torn.
Could he live without it?
Without the sight of his betrayal?
With the phantom pains of not having arm?
With the knowing that he wouldn't be discovered, if ever, regarding his role in Sirius Black's insanity? Would he ever be discovered of what he had done to the people that called him friend? Could he live as the rat with three feet? Yes, he could.
Some spells were in his disposal to heal the nerves, spells that he mentally chanted over and over and over until he were sure that he could do it within a moments notice. He would live as a amputee. With the guilt, the memory of Sirius's condition and visiting him from time to time, with trying to repent for his part every day of his natural life span. It was cruel enough punishment in his eyes and fitting.
No Azkaban.
No Dementor Kiss.
He could live with the knowledge and within his personal made prison.
"Diffindo."
Peter fought back the tears as he healed his wounds just enough to keep him alive to apparate for a hospital and a arm that didn't have a owner. He panted then issued the next spell that destroyed the evidence of his part in Sirius Black's untimely demise-Demise? His mind was beyond reach. His body was whole. And he wasn't being sane. He was in every intents and purposes; gone.
With that reminder, Peter raised his wand at the arm then destroyed it thoroughly with a dark spell. And it was no more. As was the Peter that had earned it, gained it, and gleefully enjoyed the sting as it was carved into his arm. Gleeful for survival. Gleeful. And now, he hated the man that he was before.
If he had only known they would win in that way; he wouldn't have done it at all. If he had known it was by his words of the name of the secret keeper. The same one who did what he did to Voldemort. Then he paused recalling what was necessary.
He had to wound himself.
With some self-inflicted wand related wounds and spells, it was all set up, he slipped his wand away, then prepared himself for the future.
Then he apparated away to a muggle hospital and walked in.
And his fate was sealed with guilt, regret, and a scream for help.
Peter gets the incident written down on paper and acknowledged in his medical file. He returns home the following day with instructions from the nurse staff regarding on tending the wound and he leaves. He goes home but home doesn't feel as bright and vibrant.
It feels dull so he removes stain after stain after stain until all that is left is white walls and furniture that look like props from a movie. A terrible movie in fact that had little to do with magic and more with horror. He turned on the telly then got comfortable in the chair and starts to move his hand to his arm rest-He doesn't have a hand.
Just as well as there isn't a Sirius Black walking about, quite sane, and happily evading Voldemort.
And he wept.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Peter opened the door then leaned forward, wearing a jacket, heart racing and relaxed spotting a wizard-a wizard?
"Mr Pettigrew?"
"Yes." Peter said. "I am he."
"Do you have a garage?"
"Yes." Peter said. "What seems to be the trouble?"
"Put the motorbike in, boys!"
Peter paled as his last discussion with Sirius Black came to.
"What are you going to do with the motorbike? Should the worst happen to you."
"Entrust it with someone I know who can take care of it should I not make it out of this war. I know I won't. Someone who will take care of it as I did."
"That's very cynical, Padfoot."
"Cynical? You don't know the start of it. Cynical is Death and the Veil taking me against my will. Cynical is Prongs, Prongslet, Lily, you, Frank, Alice, all of them dying, and so is every muggle on this planet." Sirius said. "But, to be optimistic? Is that everyone gets to live. Every single bloody little soul involved in this war." He twirled his wand in mid air. "I have hope things will come through and the Potters live."
"At what cost?" Peter asked. "Sealing your fate?"
"Anything is worth family. People who don't disown me. People who I chose. People who forgive me for my actions and accept me."
"Even at your worst?"
"Even what the war may drive me to do, Wormtail."
"What if. . I did something bad? Would you forgive me or would you . . . Chase me and chase me? Over a sea?"
Sirius stared him down in a way that intimidated Peter.
"It depends what you did."
"And that's the condition to it all, isn't it?" Peter hunched his brows together. "Not betraying the Potters?"
"Yes. Wormtail, that is precisely why I said no. You squeal. And that does not make up a secret keeper." he wiggled his wand from side to side then his facial features softened. "Good-bye, Peter." Sirius placed his hand on the man's shoulder then gave it a squeeze. "I have a charm to finish."
And Sirius apparated past him to his motorbike then flew away.
Peter slammed the door close once he signed the paper then stormed into his room.
He screamed in his room and screamed and screamed until he couldn't scream no more.
Sirius trusted him with his prized belongings when he couldn't trust him with the Potters.
The conversation echoed and stretched into hours as he grieved; hard.
A vehicle that was magical was just treasured as a life; to care for and to preserve.
As Peter's rage of grief ended during his recovery from the severing, the wounds, he checked the moon cycle to determine when his next shift would be.
As much as he was grieving for his own ill advised mistake, he had a friend that needed him the most to stick around and make sure that the next few changes were going to be smooth sailing for when James returned. Peter's eyes watered at the thought of planning a future where it was just him and James soothing Remus and it was a stab to the heart that he was the cause of the pain.
He goes into the garage and finds the motorbike suffering damage. The plating is dented and the metal is in the worst condition possible. The wheels are twisted in odd ways, and the passenger seat appears as though it has been totaled instead of having been part of the first and last Wizardly war. Most of the parts were cursed and had to be replaced. He placed his hand on the plating then close his eyes wincing, experiencing the dark feeling that told a story (and so did the damage).
Sirius driving, driving, and driving, chased by Death Eaters. Looking over his shoulder then summoning the craft to the ground to lead the chase down to the ground away from the sky. Of unexpected damage that caused him to be withdrawn out of the craft with bruises, wounds, and cuts. Fleeing on foot throwing aside the helmet heading toward the nearest forest on Halloween night long after the Muggles had celebrated the day.
Peter withdrew his hand out of the memory that he had imagined how it happened leading up to Sirius being in the same space as Voldemort.
"I will make sure Harry gets your baby." Peter said. "All good and new." Then his voice started to crack. "I promise."
It's feels like years later, that he comes across Lily, James, Snape (Weird, of all people, that Snape was allowed into their social circle. Peter suspects that it was Lily who talked James over into forgiving him and giving him a second chance.), Alice, Frank, and Remus. But it is really one year. They're all in the same place. Same room. Back in the manor having a meet up with a invite from the Potters to celebrate one year since Voldemort's defeat. It was during the school year so Dumbledore was unable to attend.
'Huh, I wonder why they want to see me?' Peter briefly wondered and feared, at first, being discovered. But with everything that he had done, seeking and finding Death Eaters then obliviating himself from their memories; his fears were unfounded. And all the paperwork with his name was taken care of with a unrelated name that didn't exist. Snape and he had came to a agreement of never divulging their parts in the war, a strange conversation, "Do they know?" and a head shake in return from both all when the Potters weren't around months ago after bumping into each other.
Peter had a new arm but it is mechanical and needed to be taken care of properly under his long sleeve that is made specifically for it with magic that keeps it from getting entangled in it. He had completely forgotten about it when he took his jacket off and hooked it up.
"Wormtail!"
He turned and spotted that Lily was carrying a new one year old with a tuff of red head in her arms.
"Lily!"
Little Harry was two years old hopping up and down the stairs then storming up and down lacking a shirt-He could already imagine Sirius going after the boy from across and beckoning him to his room insisting that he could take care of the situation. It broke what little of a heart that he had left into millions of pieces as the red head approached him with a smile and hugged him. She backed off, one hand on his shoulder, her smiling fading into concern.
"What happened to your arm, Peter?" Lily asked as she scanned him with her green eyes. "And your face?"
"I had a accident." Peter said as James joined Lily's side.
"What kind of accident?" James asked.
"Death Eater accident." Peter said. "I wasn't really thinking right after seeing Sirius."
The Potters grew quiet then nodded somberly.
"Neither am I." James said.
"How do you think they found him?" Lily asked.
"I don't know." Peter shook his head. "Whoever told you know who. . . Must be suffering greatly."
"I hope they are." Lily said.
"Lily." James said.
"It's true." Lily turned toward James. "I don't care who they are or where they are. If I had my hands on them; I would make them pay with my bare hands." Peter winced, regretfully, releasing a sigh. "No wand required."
"I thought you hadn't seen him." Peter said.
"We haven't." James said. "Snape has."
"I finished the chocolate magical pudding." Snape came from the distance-and he sounded happier than he had all those years ago. It was different as everyone turned in the direction of the kitchen then grew broad smiles. "The chocolate cake will be ready in five more minutes."
"How many people are coming here?"
"Just some classmates." Lily said.
"Shame we couldn't bring Sirius here to attend it." James said. "He is the man of the hour."
"One day he will be able to attend it." Lily said as Harry bolted behind them with a playful shriek. "James, your son is wearing his pants as his shirt."
"COME BACK HERE, OGRE!" James chased after the boy.
Harry laughed as James picked him up and placed him against his side then sped up the stairs.
"Pa! Pa! Paaaaa!" Harry cried.
Peter went outside to the patio then shielded his eyes, behind a bush, and quietly sobbed.
"I miss him." As he sensed Lily joining his side.
"Me too." Lily said, clenching a hand on his shoulder, sorrowfully. "Some days, I wish . . ."
"Wish what?"
"He took your suggestion." Lily said. "Alive and well. No harm to his mind."
"Lily, if he did, you wouldn't be alive and so would James." Peter replied. "There would be harm to his mind and he wouldn't be well."
He shook his head as she looked aside, sorrowfully.
"He would be a very unhappy person." he held his hands up turning them over. "I am a rat." then he quickly amended. "Rats squeal."
Peter sighed lowering his head.
"He was right about me being too much of a coward. He truly was." Peter said. "I wish I were brave as he was."
"Me too." Lily said then beckoned him. "Come on, we're all in pain. Let's talk it out."
Peter could talk; just the way that he had to her.
The heaviness in his heart lifted as allowed himself to smile and walk back into the light with Lily.
And he sealed his fate.