"Dude, what if comic book heros are inspired by vampires who were just showing off?"
Damon was this close to dropping his fangs, leaning over, and gnawing on Suze. Maybe her shoulder? There wasn't really any other body part he could reach seeing as she was sitting in the passenger seat of the car he was trying to drive. Keyword trying, seeing as Suze wouldn't fucking stop distracting him with her ridiculous line of questioning.
"For fucks sake, no."
Suzanne pouted at his answer and pulled out the flask from her purse, sipping from the mixed drink she'd made a few hours before. She was already tipsy, and Damon was practically counting down the hours before they would be in Georgia and he could get drunk with her. In the mean time, Suze was going to be drunk for almost 24 hours straight, which was going to be a hell of an experience.
In theory, bringing Suze along on his road trip was fantastic. He knew she and Bree would get along, and he'd have the opportunity to grill her about the new guy she was banging. But it also meant that she could subject him to equally exasperating questioning.
"Don't be cranky, it's just that if I were a vampire I'd parkour everywhere."
Damon looked away from the road for a moment to glimpse at her. He couldn't lie to himself and say that he hadn't thought about turning her. Suze and him being best friends for centuries? Really fucking awesome concept. But instead of delving into that talk, he simply snorted derisively and responded to her comment.
"Um, no, you wouldn't. You'd still be a spaz, just a stronger and faster disaster of a person. You'd do even more damage than you do already as an itsy bitsy human."
Suze gasped theatrically in false offense but couldn't hold in her carefree laughter, and Damon was harshly reminded of another reason he'd insisted that Suze come with him. He hadn't heard that laughter in a few weeks. Lexi leading her on to try to warn her away from him had been a dick move, and the next time Damon saw the blonde vampire bitch he'd make her day very unpleasant. She'd been a little better, but then Caroline had been kidnapped by Logan Fell and she had flipped the fuck out.
He'd learned as he had gotten to know Suze that they shared a certain quality – possessiveness. Not necessarily in the traditional sense, but once Suze decided to be someone's friend or confidant, she considered them hers and evidently didn't respond well to them getting hurt.
She was still brainstorming ways to fuck up Stefan ever since the vervain incident after the Founders' Ball, and had shown him her extensive list. Both of them, actually, since one was labelled 'mostly harmless' and the other 'probably not lethal'.
So Damon drank in her upbeat attitude. After all, he was pretty certain she'd been purposely trying to frustrate him for the last twenty minutes, which was a sign that she was in a good mood.
Thinking about their upcoming journey, Damon was almost absentminded when he said, "We still haven't taken Barbie out. You think she-"
Sure cut him off immediately with an uncharacteristically firm, "no."
When Damon didn't say anything, clearly expecting her to explain, she started talking quickly.
"I just don't want her to have to deal with any supernatural stuff for a little while. Especially after that fucker hurt her..."
He was silent for a minute, thinking over what she'd said. With a pang of regret - because honestly, he didn't know if the answer he'd get was the one he wanted to hear - he responded.
"Suze, I can't guarantee that. You're the exception. She's not too bad, but the real reason I'm not hurting Barbie is because you like Barbie. But the rest of the humans? I could give a damn. I need to know that you get that."
She immediately sipped at her flask, and a cold pit of anxiety started building in his stomach. He couldn't - she'd seen him at his worst. She was his first real friend.. maybe ever. If Suze decided that he wasn't worth being around, then what did that say about him? Before his emotions - fuck, he hated emotions, he should have kept the switch off - could spiral any further, she cut through his thoughts.
"Yeah, I get that, you dumbass. It's harder to put a face and a person to random names you used to throw around is all. I want Caroline safe, but you're not my guard dog that I get to point in whatever direction I want to protect whoever I want. I love you, first and foremost. That's why I'm here."
Shit. Emotions. Things were getting dangerously vulnerable, and Damon knew that if they didn't switch the subject soon he'd probably blurt out something sappy, so he moved on to a subject he'd been dying to hear more about.
"So… Nick."
Her mouth immediately clamped shut. A somewhat embarrassed expression covered her face and before he could comment she flicked his shoulder, muttering petulantly "Eyes on the road."
However, a minute of silence later she clearly realized that he wasn't going to let it go, so she started spilling.
"He's… funny, kind of. Really sarcastic and dry. But it's nothing serious, he literally travels the world. We just happened to be in the same city."
Damon nodded along as she spoke, making sure to keep a straight face before he responded with a taunt he'd already used, but now actually applied.
"Suzy and Nicky, sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-"
When Suze started shrieking, for the first moment he thought it was in response to his teasing, until her words registered.
"Look out!"
"-were changed people after it."
"Nope. Definitely ignored each other on Monday. You know I'm right."
Elena blearily blinked her eyes open, squinting for a second against the glare of sunlight streaming through the car window. What…
With a groan, she sat up slowly, acutely feeling her aching muscles. She'd been laid across the back seat of a car and recognized one of those voices very well, while she was pretty sure she knew who the other person was. When she turned to the front of the car, her suspicion was confirmed.
Suzanne was sitting in the passenger seat and had turned around almost completely, looking her up and down before nodding to herself.
"You're up. I checked your pupils last night and woke you up every few hours, you probably don't remember. No concussion, a hell of a headache, I'm sure. Okay, settle this argument, do you think the members of the Breakfast Club ignored each other on Monday or acted like friends?"
Elena stared at her, mouth opening but then closing again as she literally couldn't think of what to say. What the hell was going on?
"Where are we?"
Damon was the one who answered cheerfully, "Georgia."
"Georgia? No, no. No, we're not. Seriously, Damon. Where are we?"
Suzanne pitched in and seemed to be trying to remain upbeat – or was she actually this happy with Damon in the car as Elena was kidnapped? – when she said, "He's serious. We're making great time."
Elena was trying to walk through last night, but the details were coming back to her slowly. "But my car...there was a man...I hit a man. But then he got up, and... who was that?"
Elena watched as Damon glanced at Suzanne, who seemed to nod. Was she in on this? When Elena had met her she seemed like Damon was her friend and she knew that Suzanne had been the one to let him out of the cellar with vervain, but how involved was the woman? Before she could voice her question, Damon answered.
"That's what I would like to know."
Feeling a little more frantic, she tried to remain stern when she said, "Pull over. I mean it, Damon. Pull over! Stop the car!"
Suzanne snorted from the passenger seat before muttering, "Told you we should have dropped her off at home." The woman looked back and started talking slowly, as if she was trying to calm down a child when she said, "We're already this far, and we're not going to be here for very long. You sure this can't wait?"
With indignation, Elena responded in an acidic tone, "Why are you doing this? I can't be in Georgia. I wrecked my car. I have to go home. This is kidnapping."
Damon sighed and sounded almost exasperated when he turned to Suzanne and said, "Can you use your magic teenage-girl-bonding powers?"
The car swerved a little bit when she slapped the back of his head.
Suzanne was really trying to be nice. Or at least civil. But the drama. This girl was so ridiculously infuriating. It was absurd, like a soap opera. Her super serious tone, the pledge of trust – Christ, she was going to vomit.
And now – oh ho, now Elena was just sitting there making things awkward and being judgmental. Awkward was a state of being Suzanne was accustomed to, but not around Damon. This trip was supposed to be fun, and now there was a teenage commentator. Suzanne was trying to be normal, but having joking conversations with Damon wasn't working out.
Predictably, her best friend was being much more of an asshole than usual, putting on the charming and flirtatious façade to throw the girl off. Suzanne could have guessed that he wouldn't really be himself around people who weren't – well, her. Unfortunately, this meant that she'd have to deal with the cocky flirty version of him for the entire trip.
Trying once more to extend an olive branch, she muttered to Elena, "Sorry you found out you're a clone."
Which of course made the teenager start leaking angst everywhere when she said in a frustrated voice, "You knew? Was I the only one who didn't know?"
The drama.