A/N: This now has the most reviews of any of my fanfics. Thanks Neutrino 2000, BookNerd101010101, CrazyBlueOwl, DrakonOwl21195 (yes, he can try), Koolkat0207, Ayano's Theory of Relativity, Star (we'll see who loses this round), theGirlster (well, I'm just going to answer your questions in this rather than by PM if that's fine. First off, if there is an analogy between the characters and the original ones from the show, I don't really intend it or plan it, so I guess that's just sort of accidental. I wouldn't want to do that thing with Joe as I ship Percabeth too hard and anyway the guys have an agreement not to do anything too serious like that), and Guest.
Task One: The contestants will be acting as replacement professors for a special class in a community college. They will have no idea what they are supposed to be teaching, or how, as it will all be decided by the others.
As such, this will be a 'refuse you lose round', and also, at the end of the class, the students will be polled to rate their professor. At least two candidates will lose this round, so if no one refuses to do anything, the candidates with the two lowest scores will get a negative point, if one refuses, the one with the lowest score gets a negative point, and if two or more do so than the polling won't matter.
Percy was hungry for revenge, and so he decided to step up first.
The classroom wasn't that special and could've accommodated maybe a hundred students at most, but only about forty were going to come.
Before class could even start though, one student walked up to Percy. "Uh, Professor, this is kind of awkward for me to say, but I'm not getting a signal on my phone, and I need to make this really important call… so can I borrow your phone?"
"Is that guy really asking the professor for his cell phone?" Frank asked. "I mean, at the very least I'd ask the other classmates first."
"But there aren't that many people here yet," Jason pointed out.
"Okay Percy," Frank said. "Say that you'll give it to him, but you need to delete your Internet browser history first."
"You can use it," Percy said. "But I need to delete my Internet browser history first."
The guy laughed way harder than he should have. "I don't want to use the Internet."
"Say that you're not responsible for any mental scarring or psychological counseling he might need if he does see it," Leo said.
"I just want to say, as a disclaimer, that I'm not responsible for any mental scarring or psychological counseling you might need if you do look at it," Percy said.
The guy laughed harder this time. "It's alright, I understand what you mean."
Leo raised an eyebrow. "Understand what you mean? Just what does this guy's Internet history look like?"
After that was over, about fifteen minutes later it looked like the entire class was there.
"So, I think we should begin," Percy said. "I'm Professor Percy Jackson, and I'm glad to welcome you all to this lecture." He then turned to the board, holding a piece of chalk in his hand.
"Percy," Leo said, "the topic of your lecture is, 'How to Breathe.'"
Percy snorted and wrote: How to Breathe on the chalkboard. There were several bemused looks from some people.
"Now explain what the class is about," Jason said.
"So," Percy said. "Some of you may be wondering what this class is about."
"Considering the fact that you wrote 'How to Breathe' on the blackboard, I'm guessing those people are the dumb ones," Franks said.
Percy turned to the board and said, "'How to Breathe.' It sounds so simple, doesn't it. But, is it?" He then turned to the class and tried to look like he was pausing dramatically instead of desperately thinking of something to say. "But, let's be honest, breathing is an important part of life. And, more importantly, we're here to talk about what goes wrong with breathing… uh…. In other words things including basic CPR, asthma, and if someone chokes on something."
"Percy, you looked totally lost there,' Frank said.
"Say that you're going to start with choking," Leo said.
"Let's start with a common thing you might have seen, choking," Percy said.
"Now, say that when someone's choking, there are list of things you have to check," Jason said.
"When someone's choking, there are a list of things you have to check," Percy said.
"First of all, make sure the person isn't being choked using the Force by a Sith Lord," Frank said.
"First of all, you need to make sure that the person in question isn't being choked using the Force by a Sith Lord," Percy said. Several people chuckled at that. "An easy way to check that is to see if they're floating. Once that's out of the way, as you probably already know, the next common cause is choking on a piece of food."
"Now Percy," Leo said, "draw a diagram on the board showing the human throat, and then describe it by making up as many ridiculous medical terms as possible."
Percy then tried drawing a human face and throat on the board, in which the word 'tried' should be given emphasis on.
"Percy," Jason said, "you know that people's noses aren't that big, and just the whole overall shape of that seems wrong."
"I know this isn't very accurate, but it is supposed to be a schematic diagram," Percy said. He then pointed to a section of the throat. "Now, the principle cause of choking is irritation to the Area of McDonald right here, named so because people generally choked here while eating at the famous restaurant." Percy paused here.
"Of course, one can't rule out the fact that Poseidon's Nerve, right here, could also be irritated, which is named such as it looks like a trident, or the fact that the Nissan Maximus might have been damaged."
One student raised up her hand and said, "Professor, I've taken human anatomy classes before, and I've never heard of the Nissan Maximus."
"Go on, Percy, explain," Leo said.
"Uh, well, you know, the Nissan Maximus," Percy said. "It is just below the Foramen of Leo and above the Canal of Jason. You might not have been taught this and honestly it isn't really important."
"Hey," Frank protested. "I want a mythical human anatomical part named after me too. And how come Leo gets one and I don't?"
"I'm worth two Franks, remember?" Leo asked. "And Percy, if this isn't important, why are you telling them this as a professor? It just sounds like you're trying to show off and not really teach."
"So tell them you need to move on to CPR because you're running short on time, which, frankly, you are," Jason said.
"But I think that's enough of choking for now, we need to move on to CPR because we're short on time," Percy said. He could also tell that several of the student's faces were saying, 'Dude, you just spent ten minutes describing apparently useless anatomical terms and didn't say anything useful.'
None of them spoke up though.
"Now, tell them that there is one important thing that they must think about before they attempt to perform CPR," Jason said.
"There is one important thing to think about before you ever attempt CPR," Percy said.
"And that is: 'Is this person worth saving?'" Leo said.
"And that is, and you have to ask yourself this: 'Is this person worth saving?'" Percy said.
There were several confused looks and chuckles from the audience.
"And you really need to ask yourself this because you're going to be going mouth-to-mouth with that person," Leo said. "Which can be really gross."
Percy almost didn't want to say that, but he didn't want to give up either. "And you really need to ask yourself this because you're going to be going mouth-to-mouth with that person, which can be really gross."
There were even more bemused looks from the class.
"And tell them that it is even worse if you've never kissed someone before, because unfortunately, CPR counts, and you may not want that to be your first kiss," Frank said.
"It is even worse if you've never kissed someone before," Percy said. "Because unfortunately, CPR counts, and you may not want that to be your first kiss."
There were now blatantly defiant expressions and people saying "What?" when there was a ringing noise.
"Oh look, time's up," Percy said. "Before all of you leave though, I'd just like you to fill in these forms and rate how you thought my teaching was."
Percy's Average Score: 8.3/10.
"I can't believe you managed to get over an eight," Leo said.
"I just need to make sure that I rely on none of them in case I actually choke on something or need CPR," Jason said.
"By the way, considering the fact that Percy gave them a lot of wrong knowledge, could we get sued if any of them does something wrong based on what we told them?" Frank asked.
"We'll think of that later," Leo said. "Anyway, now the Valdez is up!"
Leo, of course, was not going to let the opportunity of being a professor slide and was going to milk it for all it was worth. He decided to dress up in a tweed coat, what looked like a bib to Percy, a cane, and ridiculous socks that didn't even match. He looked like he was wearing something kind of like what would happen if Willy Wonka's costume was designed by Katy Perry.
On the blackboard, he had written down: DOCTOR PROFESSOR LEO VALDEZ THE THIRD.
"Professor Leo Valdez the Third?" Percy asked.
"No, no," Leo said to the empty classroom, "you insult me by merely calling me 'professor.' You shall address me by full and proper title, 'Doctor Professor.'"
"And why did you add, 'the Third' at the end?" Frank asked.
Leo shrugged. "I thought it'd sound cool."
The class came in, and it was about the same size as that of Percy's class.
"Good morning everyone," Leo said, in a very bad and obviously fake French (or it could be German, or Russian, honestly, it was too horrible to tell what he was going for) accent "My name is Doctor Professor Leo Valdez ze Third, and I am so delighted at seeing so many fresh faces gathered before me here today."
"Great, now you sound exactly how you look like," Percy said. "And now it is time for your topic, which is 'The Effect of the Black Death on European Art and Culture.'"
This was given to Leo because it was serious topic (which everyone knew was really going to tick Leo off) and also because he happened to know nothing about it.
So, Leo wrote the topic on the board.
"Now say something about it," Percy said.
"Now, the first thing that I'd like to mention about this topic," Leo said, "is that I personally find it racist that it is called the 'Black Death,' and I think several of the African Americans gathered here will agree."
None of the African Americans there agreed, only looked confused.
"That's the best that you can say?" Percy asked. "Something mildly racist?"
"Now, you may know that the Black Death killed approximately forty-three percent of Europe's population," Leo said.
"I think there's a seventy-nine percent chance that no one believed that," Percy said.
"I think there's a twenty-four percent that Leo is going to lose this round," Jason said.
"I should point out that forty-eight percent of statistics in this show are made up," Frank said.
"So, there was a lot of death and suffering, and with so many dead the whole incident obviously left a large impression on people's minds," Leo said.
"By the way, Leo," Percy said, "you now have to discuss the first artwork. It is right under the desk."
Leo opened the desk and saw what it was before he almost snorted and cursing the others.
"Come on," Frank said. "Show it to everyone."
It was a painting that Leo had made for 'A Picture Worth Zero Words' that had made no sense to anyone. Leo hung it up on the blackboard. "So, this is a work from an unknown artist somewhere."
A student raised her hand. "Professor! Professor!"
Leo turned around, tugged on his coat, and said, "Doctor Professor, please."
The student looked slightly confused, and said, "Doctor Professor, um, I think that you've hung up that painting upside-down."
"No, this is the correct way," Leo said.
"But it makes more sense the other way!" the student protested, tilting her head and saying the same thing again. Several students tried the same thing and agreed.
"I, for one, know for a fact that this is the right way the painting is supposed to be held," Leo said, turning red slightly.
"Say that you know that they're wondering how it depicts pain and sorrow," Percy said.
"I bet you're wondering how this painting depicts pain and sorrow," Leo said.
"Tell them that the author made it so that people would feel pain and sorrow trying to figure out what the painting was supposed to mean," Percy said.
"The author apparently made it so that people would feel pain and sorrow trying to figure out what the painting was supposed to mean," Leo said, gritting his teeth. It was quite some thing to get an artist to insult his own work.
"Kind of like what we experienced," Frank said. "Now in the other drawer, there'll be your second piece of work to discuss."
Leo opened the drawer and took one good look at what was inside. "Okay Jason, Frank, this is taking it way too far."
Percy frowned. "What, did you forget me?" He then frowned. "Wait, what was the second picture?"
"Something Frank and I put together," Jason said. "We didn't think that you'd like it. Come on Leo, unless you want to lose."
Leo considered it. He seriously did, but he didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction that they had beaten him, and he didn't want to be punished this time.
Leo put the photo up. It was that picture, from way back in Impractical Oracles, in which Leo was wearing a maid outfit and hugging Percy. Jason had planned to use it as blackmail material later on in life, but then changed his mind and thought he could use it as blackmail material later on anyway since no one of importance was going to see it.
But even showing the photo to strangers was hard for Leo. Especially since Jason appeared to have edited it, and made Leo's hair neater, tidier, and apparently more feminine all together, and the photo frame showed cherubs and had little hearts on it. Both of them were smiling.
Percy was staring at it, speechless.
"Oh, so Leo's hugging Percy wearing a maid outfit," Frank said. "That's strange. Still better than my fanfiction and my OTP though."
Percy seemed to have found his voice and turned to Jason. "What were you thinking? And anyway, this is when you're supposed to get Leo, not me! Why do you even have that in your phone, what if Annabeth or Calypso or anyone else saw it? What would I say?"
Jason smirked. "Thanks for giving a great punishment idea, Percy. I'll mail that photo to your mom and Annabeth, and watch you try to explain what it is to both of them."
Leo turned away from the photo so the whole class could see it. "As you can see, this is not a piece of art from medieval Europe, since they didn't have paintings back then. Apparently my assistant thought it would be funny to put this up here. He's getting fired."
"Making bad puns now, are we?" Jason asked.
The entire class, of course, enjoyed a good laugh at the picture while Leo's cheeks turned as red as a tomatoes, and his shoes caught fire though he quickly put that out before anyone could notice.
"Now, say that artwork is all fine and good, but the Black Death inspired a whole lot of other things too, like poetry, music, and even dance," Frank said.
"Now, while it is fine seeing all this artwork-" Leo began.
"What artwork?" somebody asked. "All you've shown us is a picture which looks like an artist had a seizure while painting something and a photograph that isn't even real art."
'He has a point,' Leo thought, but instead said, "Yeah, but we're kind of running out of time here which I need for this last segment. So, as I was saying, the Black Death inspired a whole lot of other things, like poetry, music, and even dance."
"Say that an example of dance is the Dance of the Dead, shown in many artworks as a bunch of skeletons," Percy said.
"An example is the Dance of the Dead, which you may have heard about, shown in many artworks as a bunch of skeletons," Leo said.
"Tell them what they don't know is that it is actually based on a dance performed during those times," Jason said.
"But what you may not know is that it is based on a dance performed during those times," Leo said.
"Now tell them you're going to do a live demonstration of the Dance of the Dead," Percy said.
Leo said, "I will know do a live demonstration of the Dance of the Dead." He knew what was coming next.
"NOW DANCE!"
Much like Leo's artwork, we have no words to describe his dancing, expect that it involved a lot of flailing and jumping around.
Seeing it, the student who had protested about there not being any real art in the class walked out.
"We'll count that as getting a zero from her," Percy said.
Then, someone made a Youtube video on it and you could find it by Googling, 'Crazy Professor Looks Like He's Having a Seizure But Is Actually Dancing.'
A lawsuit would later be filed by Leo stating that no one was allowed to post their content online except them.
It took three years for the lawsuit to be settled.
Leo got a 7.34/10.
A/N: If anyone was complaining of less over-the-top humor, I think that should've satisfied anyone. Thanks for reading, and do review if you like. I know we can take the numbers higher!