Disclaimer: I still don't own Bleach, or any of the characters. Tite Kubo does. If I did, there'd be much more Grimmjow with less clothing.
A/N: How long has it been? 9 years? Are you guys still out there? What took me so long? Uhhhh let's see… college, then work, then grad school, then even more work... My Dad always told me that when I started my career, I wouldn't have extra time to do any of the stuff that I use to enjoy. Well, the joke's on him, because I wrote half this shit while I was at work. Anyways, on to chapter 3..
Today was a big day. Today he would finally have Aizen's trust. Today he would finally get the respect he deserved. Aizen was placing him with a HUGE responsibility. This "task" proved Aizen's faith and trust in him. This was the biggest day of his life. He was going to make sure he didn't fuck this up like last time..
"You better hurry up before the market closes. You only have two hours." Ulquiorra said to the much larger Espada.
Yammy nodded his head like the complete moron that he is, realizing how late it was in the day. "Oh... Yea, I'm about to leave now." He quickly picked up the money clip Lord Aizen had given him earlier to make the purchase. He flashed an excited smile at the emo Espada, before he made his way to the entrance of Los Noches.
His hands were fidgeting as he attempted to make the garganta which would take him to the world of the living. He was so excited; he could hardly keep his hands from shaking. Lord Aizen was trusting HIM to get his special organic green tea! The special organic green tea that you can only buy in California at the organic market in downtown Los Angeles.
The black portal finally opened up, and the hollow hastily made his way into the abyss.
Within minutes, Yammy was standing just outside of the large metropolitan human city. It was a lot bigger than he anticipated, but luckily Gin had given him an iPhone with the location of the store computed into apple maps. Yammy knew exactly where to go...well, kinda...
"Let's see...uhhhh its down THAT street!" He exclaimed as he made his way down a dark alley that led to the intersection where the market was. He had only walked a few minutes before he realized he was being followed.
Now, most people don't know this—well actually, no one knows this, but Yammy loved dogs. Like REALLY, really, REALLY loved dogs.
He couldn't resist their furry little faces and pink tongues. They were the cutest friggin things in the world of the living, hell, Hueco Mundo for that matter. Unfortunately, he never got to play with doggies in Los Noches because he knew he'd be ridiculed or beat up. So, he kept this secret to himself.
The little brown fuzz ball yipped happily at its newfound friend. Yammy knew exactly what it wanted. "Oh, you want to play fetch, don't you?" The dog barked in return. "Okay, but I can only play for a few minutes, I'm on an important mission for lord Aizen."
He was supposed to play with the dog for a little while but before he knew it, two hours had passed. Now, Yammy couldn't tell time; he just knew it must have been two hours or more because the market was closed by the time he got there.
"Shit!"
How was he supposed to get lord Aizen's special herbal tea? If he went home without it, he would surely get killed. He cringed thinking about what happened to Luppi—he didn't want to end up as a secret ingredient in Gin's Taco Tuesday. It seemed extreme, but everyone knows Aizen doesn't play about his tea! Now he was probably going to be killed. He didn't want to die—but he couldn't go home without the special herbal tea.
Maybe they sold it at another store. Unfortunately, Yammy was also illiterate and couldn't tell a gas station from a grocery store. He had been to two burger places, a hair salon and one bank and still couldn't find any place that sold the special herbal tea. He stood defeated outside of a gas station.
"Hey, are you looking for something?" A voice came from the side of the building.
What? The Espada glanced around the dark parking lot, searching for the source of the voice.
"What are you looking for? I think I can help you". The stranger said as he stepped out into the light of the shell gas station parking lot.
Yammy was NOT supposed to talk or interact with humans unless it was absolutely necessary. Then again, he didn't know what "necessary" meant. He decided it might be okay to talk to this human.
"Yea, I need some of this really good, special green te..." he was cut off by the stranger.
"I've got the good. In fact, I have the best green"
"Really? Could you sell me about 20 bags?" He asked excitedly. Maybe he wouldn't be killed after all!
The stranger looked at him weird. "I'll sell you anything as long as your money is good."
Within a span of three minutes Yammy had completed his transaction with the stranger and was ready to return home with Aizen's beloved tea. Yammy was excited. He was able to make it back just in time for the espada meeting. However, he was nervous because the tea was about five times its normal price—but hey, at least he had it.
Ulquiorra was waiting on Yammy when he finally made it back to Hueco Mundo. "You're late."
"Sorry."
"Did you get the tea?" He asked flatly.
"Yes...here it is." Yammy quickly pulled the brown bag out his pocket. "It's right here"
"Good. Give it to one of the menos to make for the meeting. Hurry before you anger lord Aizen."
"I uhhhhhh, right, yea okay." Yammy disappeared down the hallway.
—
He hated meetings. He hated sitting at meeting tables. He hated sitting in meeting rooms. He hated everyone at the meeting, and he especially hated meetings that were late at night.
Who the fuck schedules a meeting at midnight?!
Grimmjow was already in a bad mood. That son-of-bitch Aizen had taken away his precious catnip. How the fuck was he supposed to get through the day without killing anyone? It was impossible...as a matter of fact, he had already killed three people since this morning. He was 90% sure that Aizen created these rules just to piss him off...that was it, the Shinigami with the ridiculous curl was just fucking with him. Bastard...
He would have to get through this entire goddamn meeting without catnip. It wasn't a secret that Aizen talked too damn much, nor was it a rare occurrence when a 30-minute meeting turned into a 2-hour long one. He was positive it would be the same drawn-out bullshit as always. God, homicide sounded so good right now...
When he finally made it to the meeting door, he felt more inclined to blowing it the fuck up, instead he just walked in, letting the door slam behind him.
Everyone was staring at him.
Was he late? Oh well... He shrugged and sat down.
Aizen stood in his usual spot at the head of the table. His dark eyes on the tardy Espada. "It's nice of you to finally show up and grace us with your presence."
"I lost track of time."
Tia sighed, crossing her arms. "What were you doing? Jacking off to National Geographic documentaries?"
"Fuck you! That only happened once, and I was drunk..."
"QUIET BITCHES-I mean my dear, dear espada. We should start the meeting—now has everyone gotten their tea?"
Murmurs of " yes" echoed around the table.
Grimmjow, who's tea remained untouched, glared at the tiny white cup that had been placed in front of him. "I hate nasty ass tea... We should have tequila instead."
Sadly, alcohol was no longer permitted at Espada meetings due to last month's incident involving a very inebriated Nnoitra and Tia's right fist.
Aizen, brushing his bitch-curl back from his forehead, smiled. "Wonderful! We can all thank Yammy for the organic green tea. He kindly bought it for us earlier today. It's a new flavor—I actually had a cup before the meeting started." The Shinigami paused taking another sip. "Now, shall we get started?"
The meeting had progressed thus far like many in the past—Aizen stood at the head of the table rambling on and on about shit no one cared about. Stark attempted to stay awake, Yammy fidgeted in his seat like someone with a bad case of hemorrhoids, and Ulquiorra, the suck-up emo, listening intently to the Shinigami's every word. Then things started to get weird, even for Hueco Mundo standards...
Grimmjow had become increasingly more irritated because the Shinigami had started to go off-topic more than usual. Presently, he was babbling about some rumor that claimed Byakuya Kuchiki actually wore a hair piece. What the hell does that have to do with the winter war? If it wasn't for the fact that he would probably be brutally murdered, the blue cat would have told the wanna-be-god to hurry the hell up because he had more important shit to do—like sleep. It was almost 1 am now! He suddenly realized that Tia was looking at him.
"What the fuck are you staring at?" He asked the blonde sitting across from him.
"You're so blue."
"Oh my god! He is soooo blue" Szayelapporo added.
"What the hell else color am I supposed to be?"
Tia clasped her hands together, her green eyes wide with excitement. "If I pee on you, will you turn green?"
"Why the fuck would I let you pee on me?"
"Some guys are into that kind of thing." The blonde added with a wink.
Gin, perking up to the mention of urinating on lovers. "Sounds like a regular Tuesday afternoon for me..."
Grimmjow shook his head in disgust. "You people are sick..."
"You're pretty uptight for a guy that sings in the shower." Nnoitra said.
"I don't sing in the shower..."
"I heard you this morning." The spoon-man stated matter-of-factly.
"Bullshit."
Nnoitra's creepy grin was even wider than normal, his one eye focused on Grimmjow. "Uh, huh. I'm pretty sure you were listening to Whitney Houston, singing along loud as hell at 6am..I was tryin to take a shit, but instead I heard I'M EVERY HOLLOW, ITS ALL IN MEEEEEE!"
The blue kitty was now closer to a shade of red. "Mind your fucking business."
"I'm more of a Diana Ross fan anyway." Gin shrugged.
Yammy straightening himself in his chair, his gaze on the pissed off feline. "Grimmjow sings in the shower?" *snickers*
Nnoitra, who genuinely enjoyed angering the sensitive blue kitty continued to smile widely. "Yea, and he's not very good at it."
Ulquiorra began to laugh uncontrollably.
Aizen, ignoring the laughing emo, continued with the meeting—if you could even call it that. "Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can deal with the Shittygami?"
"An atomic bomb!"
"Poison?"
We could infect them all with AIDS.. but I think that might take too long." Szayelaporro suggested.
Gin stood up. "I know! We should pay someone else to kill them. That way we don't have to do any work.
"We can do other fun stuff instead, like arts and crafts." Ulquiorra said, finally able to control his laughter. For some odd reason, the thought of making things out of pinecones and pipe cleaners suddenly seemed appealing to the emo espada.
"Or we could all just get really drunk." Tia added.
"Or get really drunk WHILE doing arts and crafts!" Ulquiorra high fives Tia.
Gin clapped his hands excitedly. "Why don't we do that?! Like, seriously!"
"Write it down, write it down!"
Ulquiorra continued. "Then after we kill all the Shinigami, we can tear down the whole seretei and build a water park."
Szayel, who's wardrobe suffered greatly due to the budget cut saw an opportunity. "When we kill captain Kuchiki can I have his scarves?"
Aizen poured himself another cup of the deliciously addictive tea. "If you want his scarves you have to kill him yourself."
Nnoitra flashes an evil grin. "I'm gonna loot every dead Shinigami I see!"
"So, will this water park have a bar? Or will It be a family type place?" Tia asked.
"What's a family?"
Yammy looking at Aizen in confusion. "But I thought WE were a family? Isn't that why Gin always makes me sit on his lap when we're alone. To play "uncle bouncy knee"
Gin flashes his stereotypical creepy-rapist grin.
"That is...very disturbing.." Apparently, Ulquiorra was the only person that caught the creepy exchange between fox-face and the bloated hollow.
Grimmjow slams his hands on the table. "What are you all high?! You guys are all fucking idiots. I thought we were supposed to kill them ourselves?!"
Tōsen, ignoring the angry hollow. "GOD, IM SO HUNGRY. We should order a pizza."
"Totally." Gin agreed.
Nnoitra stared at the seething blue cat across the table from him. "I'd gladly trade Grimmjow's insignificant life for a slice of pepperoni right now..."
"I'd do that for free." Ulquiorra piggy backed.
Yammy raises his hand. "I vote mushrooms and bacon as toppings."
Tia, seeming to pull a dominoes menu right out of her cleavage, studied the paper intently. "Will we be ordering hot wings or breadsticks to go with the pizza?"
"I thought this was supposed to be a espada meeting?! Not a got damn picnic." If Grimmjow could simultaneously kill every single person in the room right now, he would. They were all fucking idiots.
Tōsen giving Grimmjow a look of disgust. "You don't eat PIZZA at picnics."
Tia shook her head. "What an Idiot!"
"Moron."
"Trash." Ulquiorra added.
"Vibe killer."
"We all hate you so much Grimmjow." Nnoitra sneered.
Stark, who, other than Grimmjow—had not been acting unusual—came out of his sleep-deprived daze, " I don't know what's in this tea, but it sure is keeping my buzz going."
"Your what?" Tōsen asked with a perplexed expression.
"Hmm?" the wolf replied innocently.
Aizen, realizing that the meeting was beginning to really get off topic. "Guys. We need to get back to what is important here. We've spent too much time already talking about trivial things. So...Okay, have we decided on what kind of pizza toppings?!"
"AHHHHHHH!"
"Grimmjow, you really need to mellow out. Have some tea." Gin said pushing the teacup closer to the pissed off housecat.
"I don't want any fucking tea."
"If you drink some you'll feel a lot better." Tia said as she took a long swig of her own.
"Yea, stop being such an uptight blue kitty." Nnoitra spat.
"FUCK YOU!"
Aizen began rubbing his temples. The sexta's angry outbursts were really starting to bring him down. "Drink the damn tea, that's an order."
Grimmjow realizing that lord Aizen was beginning to grow irritated, decided to just suck it up and drink the disgusting liquid. Hm, it actually doesn't taste like dog piss this time.
Gin quickly refilled his empty cup. "Here, have some more."
"Ok."
—
It was now a quarter to 2am, and the Espada meeting was still in full swing. However, the conversation had dramatically steered away from the upcoming winter war...
Stark, scratching his head in deep thought. "Wait, if you clone yourself, then have sex with said clone...is it considered incest or homosexuality?"
"It's both, duh." Gin replies with a mouthful of pizza.
Nnoitra looked around. "But is it wrong to be attracted to yourself? I mean sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I think—man, if I were a woman I'd total suck my-"
Yammy cut the spoon man off. "Isn't incest that stuff Aizen was burning that one time when I walked in on him and Stark smoking that weird-smelling cigarette?"
"That's an incent, Yammy."
"Oh."
"You know what I REALLY hate?" Grimmjow interjected.
"Everything?" Tōsen asked.
"Wearing clothes. If I could, I'd be naked every single day." Grimmjow continued.
"I lived in a nudist commune once. It was really fun, except when they tried to get us to drink this fruit punch that made everyone have convulsions and stop breathing." Gin added.
Stark looked at Gin oddly. "Are you sure that wasn't a cult?"
"Oh yea, that's what it was."
Aizen smiled. "We learned from our mistakes Gin, which is why I now serve my followers tea instead of fruit punch. I'm sure I'll get it right this time."
Grimmjow began removing his clothes. "It's so HOT in here!"
Tia, with a full view of the blue cat's naked torso covers her eyes. "Oh god not this again. Can we have one Espada meeting where Grimmjow isn't naked? Is that too much to ask?" Can you please put your clothes back on—No one wants to see that!"
"Oh yea? You sure wanted to see it last night. You weren't complaining then."
"What are you talking about?" The blonde stared at the bluenette in confusion.
"When we were doin it. We had sex all night. What, did you hit your head against the wall too hard, so now you can't remember?"
"We've never slept together.."
"Uh huh! We totally did it last night. You don't have to be a bitch and lie about it."
"Are you sure we were having sex, or were you just high on catnip, humping the couch again?"
"Oh, yea. I guess that's what it was. Cause you were just lying there the whole time, I had to do all the work. You could have at least moved your legs or something."
"I didn't move because IT WASN'T ME, YOU MORON!"
"AIZEN, SHES CALLING ME NAMES AGAIN!"
"Tia, please don't call Grimmjow names. You know how sensitive he is." Aizen said calmly. The tea sure had a relaxing effect on him.
Ulquiorra hugging Grimmjow to his chest and patting his blue head. "It's Okay, I believe you! She's just a tease anyways."
"Thanks, Ulquiorra, you're my only friend!"
Tōsen, putting his arms around Nnoitra and Stark. "God, I feel so close to you guys! Even you, Grimmjow.
"I feel close to you too man! And I was wrong about this tea, it's fucking fantastic!"