Author's Notes: Looking back on this month, I didn't really get a lot of fanfic chapters posted. I'm just glad that before the month ended I got this newest chapter of "Who's Banished Now?" out for you guys. Hope you like it, and please review :)

Chapter 6

Get Your Act Together

Dib had only been left below for fifteen minutes before Purple showed back up. Dib was secretly glad that the Irken was back, if for no other reason than to maybe be released from his bonds long enough for a potty break. He knew he would have to play it smart if he was going to trick Purple into releasing him, but unfortunately he didn't have a plan.

"Hey, earth monkey," Purple addressed Dib, "I'll let you out of there if you do something for me."

Well, that was convenient. Dib still wasn't ready to let his guard down though. He was sure Purple would ask for information on earth's weaknesses or demand Dib join him or be his human slave. He wasn't willing to say yes to any of those things, and he knew he would have to be strong to resist any torture or temptation.

"What do you want, you alien monster?" Dib asked with more bravery than he felt.

"Help me clean up my base," Purple ordered, "If you help me clean I'll let you go back to your filthy house with your scary sister and cheap technology."

"Wait, really? That's all you want?" Dib asked in disbelief at his good fortune.

"Yep," Purple replied simply, "I have to make the place look good if I'm going to be earth's new ruler."

Purple was just quoting Gaz when he said that, but Dib didn't know that. When Purple released the bonds Dib looked at him with eyes filled with hatred. No way was he going to allow this evil alien freak to subjugate his people...even if they were ungrateful jerks most of the time.

Dib ran around Purple and before the Irken could figure out what was going on Dib grabbed the nearest tool he could find, some swirly alien prong thing, and jammed it into the keyboard of the large computer! The action didn't have the intended effect however as the dull point didn't even damage one key on the console, and Dib was left awkwardly crouched there holding down an ineffective blade against an unharmed computer.

"Well that was anticlimactic," Purple summarized the situation, "Now if you're finished making a fool of yourself grab a broom so you can sweep the floors. There's broken glass everywhere and it's starting to get annoying."

"Can I at least go to the bathroom first?" Dib asked irritably.

"You still haven't done that?" Purple asked petulantly, "Fine, go. I don't know where if anywhere Zim installed a toilet, but you're welcome to look for one."

"The toilet is the entrance to the elevator," Dib replied, "I'll just go next door."

"Really? That bowl thing is a waste disposal unit? Eww!" Purple cringed as he rubbed his hands against his uniform, "That's it! If I am ever in Zim's presence again I'm gonna kill him! I don't care if I get deactivated for it! I'll kill him for leaving me here in this germ-infested wasteland!"

"Give him one for me," Dib muttered as he walked away.

"No!" Purple retorted at Dib's retreating back.

Dib knew if he could just make it out of the house he could run the rest of the way home. He actually would have to stop at a neighbor's house to use the bathroom, but after that he was going home and formulating a plan to deal with earth's newest invader.

Purple had spiffed up the lab and other parts of the underground lair, but he was aware most of the work was on the main level in the 'living room'. He knew Zim could be destructive, but to leave the house in such a state seemed uncalled for. Now Purple would have to clean it up to make his house look like a normal human home. He just hoped Dib was done peeing or whatever so he could help with the grunt work.

When Purple made it to the living room he was alone. Of course Dib didn't come back. He had probably run halfway to Government Land by now and was going to spill Purple's secret. He had to act quickly if he was going to save himself. Purple frowned at the mess, not really sure where to begin.

"I never noticed how much food I eat," Purple commented to himself when he looked around at all the packaging and trash he left on the floor, "I don't even remember those pretzels. Oh, and that's a can of biscuit dough. That stuff was terrible. They really should've cooked it or something."

Purple heaved a deep sigh as he looked at the mess. Broken glass, broken computer parts, broken picture frames...everything just seemed broken. A fitting metaphor, but a practical inconvenience.

As Purple just stood there in the middle of the room not knowing what to do the door suddenly burst open revealing Gaz. Purple noted she was wearing a black t-shirt with a picture of a green pipe and scary red and white plant on it. It seemed to suit her.

"Where's Dib?" Gaz demanded.

"I dunno," Purple replied cluelessly, "He left a while ago and I haven't seen him since. He's either at your house or blabbing about me somewhere."

"Oh," Was all Gaz had to say, "Well, as long as he's home in a few days I'm good. So why didn't you fix your house? This place looks terrible. How long have you been living like this?"

"A couple months," Purple shrugged, "I think. I'm not sure how you earth-beasts measure time."

"And you've just left everything like this?" Gaz asked as she quirked an eyebrow.

"I don't know where to start," Purple admitted as he looked around the ruined lair, "I haven't cleaned anything in over a hundred years, give or take. Even as an elite soldier I lived in a complex where servants cleaned everything. All I had to do was fight."

"You fought?" Gaz snorted, "I doubt that."

"I'll have you know I was voted tallest in my class," Purple bragged.

Gaz facepalmed at that remark. Clearly this guy was a moron that didn't understand that height didn't equal intellect or qualification. Then again Zim also seemed obsessed with height, especially after Dib hit his growth spurt. Gaz grumbled a little under her breath and tried not to throttle the lanky alien idiot.

"Do you want my help, Purple?" Gaz finally asked after calming down somewhat.

"Yeah, you said you'd help me become earth's supreme leader," Purple replied.

"I can still do that, but first we need to get your life back together," Gaz told him, "I've been on my own practically my whole life, so I know a thing or two about being self sufficient. You listen to me, follow my example, and don't whine. When you've learned how to take care of yourself, then we'll take over the world. Got it?"

"What about the Dib?" Purple asked.

"I can handle my stupid brother," Gaz assured him, "Now, are you ready to work?"

"No, but I don't have a choice anymore," Purple replied honestly.

"Good. First things first then. Let's sweep up this glass," Gaz instructed.

Gaz then got a broom and dustpan out of Zim's robot parents closet. The robots themselves were still there but had been ripped to pieces. Gaz briefly looked down at the lifeless heads staring up at her from the floor, but then paid them no further mind as she closed the door behind them.

"Okay Purple, now you just hold the handle of the dustpan with one hand and sweep the glass into the dustpan with the broom," Gaz said slowly just in case the alien didn't understand the concept, "Don't step on the glass. That will make the shards smaller and more likely to cut your foot if you step on them without your boots."

"I'm not gonna walk around barefoot in here!" Purple protested, "It's filthy!"

"Yeah, well it won't be when you clean it, dummy," Gaz reminded him, "Now, just sweep the broom."

Purple tried to sweep the broom, but he pressed it straight down and it didn't move.

"Not like that, Purple," Gaz replied impatiently as she snatched the broom out of his hand, "Gently. Lift it up and then sweep it down. Make sure it's always in the same direction."

Purple tried again, but the broom came out of his hand and the handle hit Gaz's leg. She growled at him and if he didn't know any better Purple would swear there were flames in Gaz's amber eyes.

"Eep! I'm sorry!" Purple quickly apologized.

"Why are you so stupid?" Gaz snapped.

"Hey, don't blame my brain!" Purple argued, "I only have two fingers! Let's see you sweep a floor with only two fingers!"

"Ergh, fine," Gaz sighed in annoyance, "I'll hold the dustpan. You use both hands and sweep the glass into the dustpan."

"Wouldn't picking up the glass by hand be easier?" Purple inquired.

"You would cut your hand and miss the tiny pieces," Gaz explained with more patience than she was feeling, "Now just do it!"

Purple did as he was told and finally managed to sweep some glass into the dustpan. He whooped and celebrated his minor accomplishment, but Gaz wasn't done with him yet. He had a house in desperate need of attention and Gaz wasn't about to try to work with Purple in this condemned train wreck.

The next thing Gaz showed him was how to dust his furniture and other surfaces. Purple actually enjoyed this chore since he liked watching the dust disappear and he thought the feather duster felt nice against his skin.

"Don't dust yourself. You'll get dirty," Gaz admonished him.

"Aww, but it feels all tickly," Purple defended himself.

"No!" Gaz scolded.

Purple slumped in defeat and then went back to dusting the right way.

Once the floors and furniture was clean Gaz asked if Purple had a bed to sleep on. He had been sleeping on the couch when he needed to, which was rare since Irkens only slept a couple times a month. Gaz decided their next chore was to vacuum the couch and search for a decent blanket.

Purple was starting to feel worn out from all they had been doing and asked to take a break, but Gaz said he had to learn how to use the vacuum first. His arms were tired and he was breathing heavy, not used to doing anything due to being Tallest for so long.

"I never realized...how out of shape...I am," Purple huffed and puffed as he tried to stand up straight, "I used to be so strong and agile...now look at me! I can't even use a whack yum!"

"Vacuum, Purple," Gaz corrected, feeling tired herself, "Fine. I guess we can take a 20 minute break. What do you have to eat around here?"

"Let me think..." Purple replied as he put his hand to his chin, "I have some cupcakes from skool. No wait, I ate those. I have some beans. No wait, ate those last night. There was that giant cake! Oh wait, that was just a dream I had the other night. There was no real cake. Hm...I guess I don't have any food here. Can we order pizza again Gaz? That stuff seems harmless."

"You get all your food from skool?" Gaz asked, and Purple nodded, "Hey dummy, you have an unlimited fake credit card. Why not go to the store and get your own food?"

"I did that once, but that food was either too cold, too dry, or inside a can I couldn't open," Purple replied defensively.

"You mean you don't know how to heat up your own food?" Gaz asked incredulously.

"Uh...If I say yes will you yell at me?" Purple asked sheepishly.

"Oh my god! You don't need world domination, you need a maid!" Gaz declared as she threw her hands up in exasperation, "Okay...okay...we can still work with this. I'll take you food shopping, and then show you how to cook it. So, what's poisonous to Irkens?"

"Meat, water, earth soda, barbecue sauce, vegetables, did I say meat?" Purple rattled off the list.

"Ugh...What did I get myself into?" Gaz muttered to herself, "When this is over, you owe me a new Ultra Game Slave system with an action game bundle pack."

Dib ran all the way home and ran up the stairs to his room. He knew Purple had been pretty upset about the extra security cameras Dib hid in his lair, but Dib didn't know if any of the cameras had survived being purged after their discovery. Dib could only hope so, because if he was to protect the earth from Purple then he would need to keep an eye on the flaky alien.

Dib turned on his computer and logged into the private security feed he had set up for spying on Zim, and sure enough, one camera had survived! The bad news was it was the camera attached to a flamingo outside Zim's house, so Dib wouldn't actually be able to see what went on inside the house. Oh well, Dib would take what he could get. He just had to wait for Purple to do something incriminating outdoors.

Realizing he was hungry, Dib left the camera for a few minutes and made himself a sandwich. When he returned he saw that there was still no activity coming from outside Zim's house. Dib waited for a few minutes more hoping to catch Purple doing something. Something...evil.

It took 20 minutes, but Dib finally saw the door to the house open. Problem was Purple wasn't alone. He was in his Zim disguise, and with him was Gaz.

"Is she crazy?" Dib whispered to himself as the light from the screen reflected off his glasses, "Purple is a dangerous alien maniac. She could get killed. What can I do though? She blocked my number from her cell phone after I used it to try to take pictures of Pigfoot. Better check the audio."

Dib then turned on the speakers and hoped that Purple would say something to Gaz to prove he was an alien. Dib just hoped that proof wasn't something that would harm his little sister.

"What about bread?" Gaz asked Purple.

"Bread?" Dib muttered, "What are they talking about?"

"I dunno. Last time I ate some it was just dough in a can," Purple complained.

"Just buy it by the loaf, Purple," Gas said as she rolled her eyes, "Okay, what about juice?"

Purple just shrugged his shoulders.

"Candy?" Gaz asked.

"Maybe," Purple replied uncertainly.

As they spoke they left camera range and their voices grew more and more faint until they could no longer be heard. Dib was surprised. Despite everything that had transpired, Gaz and Purple were still being civil to one another. Then again, since when did Gaz ever care about Dib's well being? Dib pondered this situation as he sat at his desk. Maybe he could use Gaz's friendship with the Irken to learn more about his race...and about how to defeat them.