"Reveal what I am and I will end you," I muttered in my mind. I sent an image of bugs munching away at the felt of the hat, destroying it even as I was dragged away screaming. I wasn't about to let a piece of magical tinkertech force me into whatever Wizards used for a prison.

After all, I was essentially in the position of being the monster is every movie about a possessed child; was it possible for the Wizards to exorcise me, and if they did, what would happen to me?

"A vicious little thing, aren't you?" the hat said cheerfully. "If it makes you feel any better, I do not read memories; I only read personality and desires."

"You're reading my mind right now!"

"Your surface thoughts only," the hat assured me. "It was decided to limit me this way a long time ago, lest Wizards try to steal me to learn the secrets held in the minds of their enemies' children."

"I... don't understand."

"Children see things," the hat said. "Often things their parents do not want known. Placing all of those secrets in the mind of a hat would create an incentive for blackmail. At the very least if would give the Headmaster power that he was never meant to have."

"So you only read my personality," I said. I wasn't sure I believed it, but I'd listen in on the Headmaster's office to see if it had been lying later. If it was, I'd follow through with my threat.

"I can tell that you are an adult in the body of a child," the hat said. "Interesting... this is only the third such case that I've seen in over a thousand years."

"There have been others?" I asked, suddenly interested. Knowing what had happened to them might give me a clue as to what might possibly happen to me.

"One I had arrested," the hat said. "He was a predator attempting to harm the children of this school. One was Merlin himself, born again after being several hundred years old. The third I will not speak about."

"How did it happen?" I asked. "Was it an accident, or was it something that was deliberately done?"

"We are here for your sorting," the hat said. "There are people waiting. This is a discussion to be had at a later time. I can see that you are quite resourceful, so I am sure that you will eventually find me again."

"You won't out me to the staff?"

"I sense no intention to harm any of the students, although you are quite pragmatic about what you are willing to do. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"So the sorting?"

"Hmmm...very difficult. Children are easier to sort than adults. Their minds are unfinished, and still developing. They think that they are sorted into the houses based on qualities that they have, but that's not the case at all."

"Oh?"

"Children are sorted based on qualities they wish to have. Some children wish to be seen as brave... some as intelligent. Some wish to think of themselves as loyal, and some wish to believe that they are cunning and ambitious. The truth is that elements of all houses exist in everyone, although some have very little of some and rather a lot of others."

"And me?"

"You are very bright," the hat said. "And you'd do well in the house of the Ravens. Yet you don't value knowledge for itself, but as a means to an end. You don't care whether you are seen as intelligent or not."

"People who are bright don't have to advertise," I said. It was something my mother had told me when I was young.

"You are very loyal, yet you have betrayed your closest friends," the hat said.

"I thought you couldn't read my memories."

"It is close to the surface," the hat said. "I see flashes here and there, because those are the memories you associate with loyalty. You don't give trust easily."

"If you could see my memories you'd know why," I said.

"You are brave, but you don't care about glory," the hat said. "Being seen as brave means nothing to you."

"Getting the job done is the important thing," I said. "Brave or not brave, results are what matters. I'd rather supervise a group of smart cowards as brave idiots, as long as they were brave enough to do what had to be done."

I'd given that speech to some of my recruits in the Wards. Bravery meant nothing if you were dead and you failed. Sometimes you might have to sacrifice yourself, but only if the reward was worth your life.

Things like destroying the Slaughterhouse or stopping Scion had been worth that, and so from a certain point of view I'd been brave. Other than my first night with Lung, and a few other missteps, I'd never been stupid.

"Strangely enough, the best fit for you is the house that you will fit in the very least. The house of the serpent is filled with people who are much like you."

"Don't compare me to that group of blithering racists," I snapped.

"Not all of them are," the hat said. "Some just lack the cleverness to be in Ravenclaw, the bravery to be in Gryffindor, or the loyalty to be in Hufflepuff."

"You said it was desire, not character that mattered," I said.

"How they see themselves is what matters," the hat said. "A child can be clever without seeing himself as being that way, or desiring to be seen that way. He can lie to himself, and wish to join a house he is ill suited for."

"And what happens then?"

"I try to dissuade them," the hat said. "But unless it is completely inappropriate I give in to their wishes."

"All right," I said. "Put me in Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff."

What little I knew suggested that the Gryffindors were essentially the jocks, and the Slytherins were the people who were trying to kill me. I could probably have the Hufflepuffs following around by the end of the first year, and the Ravenclaws might take a little longer, but I'd get them too.

"That, Miss Hebert is why I can't place you in either," the hat said, in an admonishing tone. "I have a duty to this school. I am willing to allow you to remain as an adult because I can sense that you are not here by choice, and because you have nowhere else to go. I am not obligated to make it easy for you."

"Now wait," I said.

"You would have been a perfect fit for Hufflepuff when you were younger," the hat said. "But life has forged you into something else entirely now."

"I'm not ambitious," I said.

"Aren't you?" the hat asked. "You rose to the top of your former profession... whatever that was... in a remarkably short time."

It sounded more and more like the hat was lying about the mind reading thing.

"I did what I had to do,' I muttered. "I just fell into being a villain, and then into being a hero. Aren't the Hufflepuffs supposed to be hard workers?"

I'd heard Neville blithering on about how he thought he'd end up as a Hufflepuff during the eight hours on the the train.

"Any house can have hard workers, but you will never just be one of the rest," the hat said. "You will always stand out."

"Slytherins are known for determination, for resourcefulness, and cleverness," the hat said. "Can you really say that those are not defining characteristics of your personality?"

"I'll have to kill someone if you put me there," I said. "You said you have to think about what's best for the student body."

"I haven't sorted a muggleborn to this house in twenty years," the hat said. "Because I suspected that none of them would survive. You, though are like a cockroach... you thrive in conditions where others would fail."

I sent an image to the hat of thousands of cockroaches eating away at it. I could probably only manage a hundred, but they could probably do enough damage in eight hours that he wouldn't be usable any more by the next morning.

"I'm incapable of fear," the hat said pleasantly. "I think it has to do with not having glands. I'm a thousand years old, and if it's my time to go, I'm perfectly willing."

"A bribe, maybe?" I asked.

What might a hat want? Could it actually want anything?

"I'm a hat, Miss Hebert. I don't eat or drink or spend money. All I want is to perform my duty, have an occasional good conversation, and sleep."

Was the hat suicidal? A thousand years of having to root through the minds of eleven year olds would have driven almost anyone crazy.

"I can't very well perform my duty if I am destroyed," the hat said. "But I can say that I'm sending you to SLYTHERIN."

Damn it.

It had said the last part out loud, and I could see hundreds of faces staring at me. McGonagall plucked the hat from my head and gave me a gentle push to get off the stool.

I stalked over toward the Slytherin table, sitting down next to Millicent Bulstrode. The hat knew I was bluffing when I talked about destroying it; I needed to know what it knew about the body jumpers in the past, and I could hardly destroy the only being old enough to remember what had happened.

There were strange looks coming from some of the older students; presumably they'd heard something of the nonsense Malfoy had been spouting.

Malfoy was sorted into Slytherin shortly later; I noticed that he very carefully sat as far away from him as possible, leaning over to whisper to the boy sitting next to him. I could have tried to listen to him, but I was trying to control my own anger.

The hat had figuratively dropped me into a nest of vipers.

The Potter kid was sorted into Gryffindor; I'd read some kind of nonsense about him killing the Dark Lord as a baby. He didn't look that dangerous; of course, Bonesaw hadn't looked particularly dangerous either.

Neville went Gryffindor. Apparently he still very much wanted to be brave.

I didn't really care about any of the rest of them. I caught Hermione looking over at me from the Ravenclaw table; apparently she'd been sure I was going to be sorted there, and she'd thought she'd have a ready made friend.

Thoughts of simply stealing the hat and leaving the school flashed through my mind, but it was still possible that I was in more danger outside than in.

Food appeared on the table; it was a feast like I hadn't seen in a while. The food I'd been served in my room had been simple, but filling. This was a smorgasbord; multiple types of meat, multiple types of potatoes, vegetables... if they fed these children like this every day, it was a wonder that all of them weren't fatter than they were tall.

The Slytherins at the table closest to me were staring.

"I don't think I'd heard the name Hebert," one of the older students said. "Are you a half blood?"

"Mudblood," I said, stuffing my face with a pork chop.

At the look of shock on her face, I said. "What? I'm a mudblood. Who gives a damn?"

Now all of them were looking at me. One of them said slowly. "Are you a Yank?"

That's what she was going with? I suppose I could have tried lying and claiming to be a half-blood from America, but Malfoy had a big mouth and would quickly set everyone straight.

"Red white and blue."

The girl looked like she wanted to ask how I'd ended up being at Hogwarts, but her companion nudged her into silence. I spent the rest of the mean in silence.

The meal ended as quickly as it began.

Dumbledore was speaking suddenly.

"-the Forbidden forest is forbidden for a reason. I would also like to introduce our new Defense against the Dark arts professor, Professor Theodore Travers."

A distinguished looking slender man stood up and gave us all a small nod.

"The third floor corridor is currently under reconstruction after the... unpleasantness last year. In related news, the Weasely twins are banned from Hogsmeade for the rest of the term."

I heard loud groans from a couple of redheads on the Gryffindor table.

"And now the school song," he said.

I quickly learned that Wizards had not mastered the art of carrying a tune.

"And now it's time for bed."

"First years," a dark haired witch called out. "To me."

We gathered around her.

"My name is Gemma Farley. I am a prefect. Michael here is the boy's prefect. If you have a problem, you come to us. However, I think it's best you not have any problems. I will now take you down to your quarters."

The other first years were staring at me as we made our way downstairs.

"The entrance is guarded and requires a password,' Gemma said. "It changes every two weeks. It will be posted on the notice board inside the common room. You will not allow anyone from another house inside, and you will not let them know the password."

She turned to us.

"Our house does not have a good reputation, and there are members of the other houses who would love to hurt us. The entrance to the common room is our first line of defense, and you will not let that be breached, or the entire house will turn against you."

"The password for this two weeks is Purity," she said.

The Slytherin common room was done up in green, with greenish lamps and chairs. The decorative skulls probably wouldn't have done their reputation any good.

The window out to the bottom of the lake was spectacular though.

"There is one important rule in this house," Michael said. "And that is that whatever you do, don't embarrass the house. Do what you have to do, but don't get caught. If you do get caught, we will not help you. Professor Snape realizes that there is bias against us by the other houses, so he prefers not to punish us in front of them. However, if you disappoint him, there will be consequences."

He was looking at me with undisguised loathing.

"Girls, with me," Gemma said.

I found myself in a room with two other girls. From the Gryffindor rooms I'd expected there to be more.

"Hi," I said. "I'm Taylor Hebert."

"The mudblood," the girl I did not know said. "I remember. Tracey Davis."

Millicent Bulstrode was staring at the both of us, looking like she wanted to cry. "They stuck all of us together."

"What?"

"We're half-bloods," she said. "And you're a mudblood. They didn't want to have to room with us. Didn't want to dirty themselves by having to stay in the same room with a halfblood."

"The first years weren't given a choice," I said. "It was a decision made by... whoever makes the decision. It's actually better for us; did you really want to have to sleep in a room with four other people?"

I'd prefer to sleep with no one else, but that would have been racism too blatant even for this place. I had a feeling the purebloods would prefer to have separate water fountains, if this place even had those.

I sighed and checked my bed. It was the one with the trunk, and it was the closest to the door. There weren't any obvious traps.

Sitting down on the bed, I closed my eyes.

"We've got to teach her a lesson," Michael the prefect was saying. "I can get around the stairs, and with any luck, she'll be out of this school by tomorrow morning."

I could hear mutters of agreement from two of the other boys.

I sighed, and I pulled a sock out of my fanny pack. I began filling it with galleons. The other two girls were staring at me.

"What are you doing?" Millicent asked.

"Nothing important," I said. "Have you girls ever played a game called marbles? It's a muggle game they play in America."

"Is is like exploding snap?" Millicent asked. "Because I don't like that."

"No," I said. "Come over here by the door."

I quickly showed them how to play, although neither of them seemed very interested. I heard Gemma calling out that it was time for lights out.

"Aren't you going to clean those up?" Tracey asked.

"I'll take care of it in the morning," I said.

The girls went to bed. I laid down, but I didn't take off my clothes. I sat in the dark and I waited.