It had taken him hours to get to her and when he finally landed, he was so exhausted he could barely move, he was starving, a migraine pounded behind his eyes, and he'd never been so scared in all his life. Waking up with the green glow of Luke's lightsaber over him? Nothing. Kneeling before the creature that had manipulated him for years, and pledging his allegiance to him as Supreme Leader? Nothing. A thousand battlefields on a hundred different planets? Nothing, compared to not being able to feel her, not being able to find her when he reached out.
He'd get flashes from time to time. Sometimes, they were of the doctors working over her, sometimes they were of her dreams. Ben clung to them, knowing that the slightest spark meant she was still alive. But, she'd completely faded about half an hour ago, and he'd been unable to get her back.
He unbuckled his safety harness and climbed out of the TIE Fighter, his body aching, and walked toward his mother.
This was the first time she'd seen him, really seen him since he'd left for training with Luke. He had no idea what to say to her, how to try to explain himself, or his actions. He knew there was no explanation or reasoning for what he'd done, what he'd taken from her.
And Force, how he missed her.
He wanted to fall at her feet and bury his face in her skirts, breathe in her familiar scent, and beg her forgiveness.
And he missed him more.
In the past week, when he was able to get a few hours of sleep, he dreamt of a child toddling after Han up the ramp of the Falcon, sitting on his lap in the cockpit, and Han would tousle her auburn hair, ruining the three bun style and say "You'll be a great pilot, Kid." and she would beam up at him, her chocolate brown eyes sparkling. Ben was woken by the Bond from these dreams, called to Rey. But, when he'd been able to get away, he'd lock himself in his chambers and sob.
Because he'd taken Han from his mother.
Because he'd taken Han from himself.
Because he'd taken Han from the child Rey carried.
And, Ben would never forgive himself. He'd never stop hurting.
When he was stronger, fed and rested, he could shove that pain into the back of his mind and he could function. But now?
Now, it was taking everything he had to hold himself together.
He was trembling with the effort when he stopped in front of his mother, his gaze on the heavy fabric of her skirt.
The pilot, Dameron, stood on her left, fuming. He'd been given direct orders to stand down, but that didn't stop him from screaming furiously into Ben's pounding head, remembering the last time they'd been face to face.
Several feet behind them, Rose stared up at him, her face solemn.
He teetered a bit as he stepped between Poe and his mother, and walked toward her.
"Am I too late?" He asked, his voice heavy.
She shook her head, her spikey black hair swaying on either side of her face and he squeezed his eyes shut, blowing out a quick breath.
"Will you take me to her?" He begged and she nodded once, before turning.
He followed her, hearing the rustle of his mothers gown and her light footsteps behind him.
They went on for what seemed like hours until he recognized the double doors of the medical bay. Rose led them upstairs, away from the Emergency wing and stopped in front of a closed door.
"The doctor wanted to see you." She said, softly.
Ben's stomach twisted into knots. "Me?"
Rose nodded. "I'll tell her you're here." And walked away.
Ben stared at the door for a moment before turning the metal handle and walking in.
He hadn't known what to expect, just that it would be difficult, but his knees nearly buckled when he saw her.
She was asleep, her hair completely down, he could see the sharpness of her cheekbones, and there was a tube looping around her right ear, going into her nose. More tubes were taped to the back of her right hand, connected to bags of fluid that hung from metal hooks near her. There was a dark blue cuff around her left arm and wires that ran down to something that was taped onto the tip of her middle finger.
Someone had put her in a light blue robe that tied in the back, but they'd left it undone, and draped it across her chest. The thin fabric was pulled up to cover her shoulders and blankets covered her to her waist.
He pressed his shaking fingers into her palm, his heart dropping when she didn't respond.
The door behind him opened and closed.
"Are you the father?" A woman's voice asked, reminding him that Rey wasn't the only thing he had to lose.
Not anymore.
"Yes." He answered, breaking into a cold sweat.
"I'm Dr. Kaid Sivi." She said, as she walked around Rey's bed and stood, facing him. He didn't answer, didn't look up as he waited for her to continue.
"We're lucky you got her here when you did. She's dehydrated, and her kidneys were shutting down from starvation. We're pushing fluids into her, but the vomiting caused an esophageal tear, which is where the blood came from. While it heals, she'll need the feeding tube."
"Are you the doctor she saw a week ago?" Ben asked, his tone making the hair on her arms rise.
"Yes." She said.
"You told her this was normal." He looked up at her, and a ripple of the Force made the room shake as his stone cold eyes met hers.
Dr. Sivi cleared her throat. "Around eighty percent of women experience morning sickness in their first trimester. When I first saw her, her symptoms were normal."
"And when Rose told you it was worse." He snarled. Another ripple. More shaking, and the Doctor took a step back.
"I sent her anti-nausea medication because it helps the majority of my patients." She explained. "I assure you, if I'd known she had hyperemesis gravidarum, I would have never sent that medication."
"You could have killed her." The wave of the Force that rolled off of him crashed into her and she felt an uncomfortable pressure against her throat. Not crushing, just enough to make it harder to breathe, and she coughed, bewildered by the sensation.
If he had meant to, if he had been able to form a coherent thought other than the incapacitating worry that weighed on him, he could have crushed her windpipe. But, his exhaustion, his migraine, and the fact that he hadn't eaten in twenty hours made him unable to adequately control his abilities.
"We've done an ultrasound." She said. "To make sure there's no damage to the fetus."
Ben looked up at her, his screaming headache making his brain work harder to comprehend what she was saying, and the pressure on her throat vanished.
"Is there?" He asked, terrified of the answer.
The doctor shook her head. "No." And he sighed, bringing his free hand up to cover his face.
"We're giving her injections of the strongest anti-nausea medication we have, one of the side effects is drowsiness, and her body needs time to build it's strength up so she'll be out for a while."
A knock at the door made both their heads turn, and a silent moment passed before Leia stepped into the room.
Dr. Sivi straightened, recognition flashing in her steel grey eyes. "General."
"Doctor." Leia said back, as a greeting and walked to Ben's side. She put her hand over his and Rey's and gave them a gentle squeeze. "How is she?"
Ben took a breath, his bottom lip quivering. He wanted to answer her, to translate what the doctor had told him, and he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, fighting the urge to cry so hard his throat ached.
"She'll be fine." The doctor answered, and left it at that. "I'll check back in a few hours."
Leia thanked her as Dr. Sivi walked passed them, and put her hands on Ben's shoulders as soon as the door closed behind them. "You look like you're about to fall over." She said, guiding him into a nearby chair, and he didn't fight her.
"It's been a rough week." He admitted, sitting down.
"Rough is an understatement, from what Rose tells me." She sat in a chair next to him. "I wish you would have called me." She said, after a silent beat. "I would have helped you shoulder the burden."
"Rey isn't a burden." He cut in, not looking at her.
Leia shook her head. "No, that's not what I meant. Of course, Rey isn't a burden, but dealing with an illness of this magnitude can be. Not to mention you just found out about the baby a week ago, and you and Rey haven't been together very long, a few months, I'd assume, and all this can be overwhelming. And, from what I understand, the Force bound you, you didn't choose-"
"Yes, I did." Ben interrupted, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees. He met her gaze, his brow furrowed. "Do you think our Bond was forced on us?"
Leia lowered her chin. "Wasn't it?"
He shook his head. "No." He rubbed his forehead with his palm and looked across the room to Rey's sleeping form. "I knew what she was, what we were as soon as I saw her on Takodana. And she hated me." His voice broke when he said 'hated'. "We started seeing each other, communicating through the Bond, but we didn't know that's what it was yet. And I wouldn't let myself believe that this..." He trailed off, looking at Rey. "Perfect woman was meant for me. I knew I loved her, knew I'd never love any one else when she-" He brought a hand up to trace the scar down his cheek and smiled slightly at the memory. "Beat me on Star Killer Base."
Leia's eye brows pulled together. Rey had given him that scar?
"Snoke said it was him, but," He shook his head, again. "I knew better. And, after Crait, I promised myself I'd stay away, if it meant her being happy. She'd earned it. She's worked so hard, and been given barely enough to keep herself alive and she'd finally found..." He swallowed hard. "But, then, the Bond started calling us to each other. And, I would step through whenever she needed me."
"When you say 'step through'?" Leia asked.
Ben nodded. "Our Bond binds us. And, I can take a step and be where ever she is."
"Like Force projection?" She wanted to know.
"Stronger than that. But, I can't choose where I go. I can't project to anyone, anywhere." He looked back up to Rey. "Just to her. And, one night, I woke up from one of my nightmares, and she was there. The Bond had called her to me. And, after that I knew I couldn't stay away anymore. I couldn't hide, or hide our Bond. And once I started talking, trying to explain what was between us, I couldn't stop. And, I was a fool to think she hadn't already known."
"She did?" Leia gasped, completely enthralled in his story.
Ben nodded again. "And, after I explained a Force Bond to her, and what it meant, I left it up to her. She could have walked away. I gave her that option, to sever the Bond. It would have destroyed me, if she had, but I was willing to let her, if it's what she wanted. But, she wanted to see me. Really see me so we could see what this Bond was. "
"Did you see her?" Leia asked, when he didn't finish and Ben smiled, making Leia's eyes grow wide with shock. But her son, was genuinely smiling.
"I did." He said, remembering that first face to face meeting. When Rey crashed into him, her lips bruising his with an urgent kiss. Her hands grabbing fistfuls of his hair, her legs wrapped around his waist, her hips grinding into him and he'd pulled away, though it'd taken all of his will power to do so. "If we-" He'd told her. "It'll seal the Bond. And it can't be undone." And she'd looked at his mouth, then her honey brown eyes met his. "Do you love me?" She'd asked and he nodded. "Yes." She'd brought a hand up to cup his cheek. "I've loved you since that night on Ahch-Tu." She'd admitted and he broke, falling to shards and being pieced together all at once. "You...what?" He'd panted, not daring to believe what she'd just said. "I love you." She'd said again and his body had responded with a giant, heaving shutter, a low growl ripping from his throat as he'd kissed her. Not the demanding, urgent kisses they'd previously shared. He'd pressed his lips to hers gently, pouring every ounce of himself into her, showing her how precious she was, how privileged he was to have her in his arms, to have her love him.
"I'd know since Takodana," He said, lost in his memory. "That she was my equal. And, I bared my entire being to her, expecting her to run, like everyone else had, but she was the only one to see the light in me, instead of the darkness, and fight for it."
"She saved you." Leia said.
Ben shook his head. "She gave me a reason to save myself." He looked at his mother. "The Bond wasn't forced on me. And I made damned sure it wasn't forced on her. I chose this, chose her. And, I'll choose her above everything else until the universe falls apart around us and even after that."
Leia put her hand over his. "You don't have to do this alone." But, he'd always been alone, and he looked down at her hand over his, frowning.
"About your father." She said suddenly.
"Mom, please." He begged. He couldn't do this now.
Leia squeezed his hand. "This needs to be said." And he relented, waiting for her to continue.
She took a steadying breath. "What happened wasn't your fault." and his head snapped up.
"What?" He gasped.
Leia met his gaze unflinching. "It was mine." And, he felt his jaw fall slack, his forehead crease, as he stared at her. "Because you were a child." She brought a hand up to touch his cheek, her bottom lip trembling. "My perfect, baby boy."
She blurred, as his eyes filled with tears.
"And, it was my job to protect you." Her tears streaked down her face. "I failed."
When he was younger, the only thing his father feared were his mother's tears. And, he'd done whatever it took to dry her eyes. Ben would come apart, like his father did, whenever his mother started to cry, and now, though he was a man, grown, he felt his dams break, and he couldn't control his own tears.
"If I had been more present for you." Her voice quaked. "If I had protected my baby the way I should have, I would have known Snoke was preying on you. But, I didn't. And, I'm sorry."
A sob broke out of Ben's chest, then out of hers and they folded into each other. And, as they cried together, an anger that Ben had been holding onto ruptured, pouring out of him as he soaked his mother's skirts with tears.