Chapter 2: The Investigator
In the dark shadows of the shadowy night, a shadowy hedgehog slept in his shadowy bed. His name is Shacow; The dark knight of the dark city of Boston. Brooding shadow thoughts filled Shadow's shadowy head, and even though he knows he should be asleep he isn't because he's so bad. Bitch in hand, unlit cigar in mouth, he thought about all the bad things he could be doing, but isn't. Because it's bedtime. He needs his shadowy slumber and he likes dreaming. Suddenly, a phone call ringing shatters his not sleep: he arises from the planking position and reached to his Samsung Galaxy s10e, with a dark nasty look recognizing the gay phone number. Putting on his sunglasses, Shadow pressed the button to answer the call immediately on his phone, and placed it next to his black person ear.
"What's the joke callin' me this late, Egghead? Even I need my booty sleep." He growled lowly, knowing full well he wasn't sleeping a wink or even two.
"Listen, Shadoo, this ain't a laughin' matter. My adoptive daughter, Amy Rose Eggman, has been located dead." Shadow smoked his coffee and groped his bitches in thought, but speaked nothing. "Cut the poopy Hedgehog, I know you're a retired criminal and detective who stopped because of the spooky gay clown snatch incident, but dammit you're the only man for the job. The cops in this town don't know the right end of a bicycle from the other one."
Sahdow paused in the long moment, thinking thoughts around like how a smart kid in school thinks about things really hard but doesn't even know how to ask a pretty girl to eat his pp.
"True dat. Fine, dirtshit, I'll take your case. Butt you better be damn sure to know it'll cost you." SHadow shows three fingers. "I wanting three thousand dollars for every day I spend on your dumb dead daughter bitch's death."
After a long moment that lasted only a few seconds, Eggman agreed and Shadow put the phone face down; But not before checking his instagram feed for some hot women and minecrafts. His brooding energy intensified, awaking the useless woman in the glow-in-the-dark stained sheets beside him.
"What is it hunky hunk?" The bitch rolled around in the sheets like how a stupid dog rolls around in the grass, "Why are you looking at your phone and not me?"
"Shut fuck up you squeaky woman," Shadow spitted, throwing some of his lukewarm coffee on her to keep her from complaining, "I have busy business that's important to do… you wouldn't understand cuz your gender isn't male."
"Wow…" The slender female sighed and whinnied like a horse prancing in the open fields of Kansas or Ohio, either one works, "You're so bad Shadow...let's have a wrestling match."
"No." Said Shaodw, getting more pissed off with her bitchy retarded behavior and clingy gay energy, "I'm out of practice; I'm better at sex than destroying human lives in the ring. Plus wrestling is super stupid like why would anyone beat each other up for fun. Ow."
The bitch was pulling a little too hard on Shadow's ear with her foot. She has one powerful foot, Shadow thought, as he picked her up with a pinky and threw her on the floor with inhedgehog amounts of strength.
"You happy now? You attention-seaking whore!" Shadow snarked and scratched his butt really good. The girl was almost dead with his power throw. He rose from the water bed like how Jesus rose from the grave, and threw on his fluffy monogrammed (SQH) pink robe from Gucci.
The broody broodster looked out from his window in the shadowiest parts of the city, watching cars zoom by like in the movies, and lights from towers of buildings shine on his black face. He took a swig of cold decaf coffee. Caffiene at night is bad for you, aftr all.
"Looks like there's work for us to take care of afters all," Shadow remarked, looking up to the moon like how a werewolf does before he howls, the reflection of a mussly ghostly figure just visible behind his ass, who wanked rally fast then vanished into the aether.
Cut to the Harvard university: Shadow pulls in his 1975 Gran Torino with custum sparkle red and black paint jewb; the pride and joy of his short and broody life. Looking up at the big gay building, he could smell the stinky aroma of death and crime. That kind of aroma gets his hedgehog body stimulated.
"This is gonna be one hell of a rocky road…" He thinks about ice cream. He could go for a cone or two after his job was completion. BUt he couldn't worry about that now. Yellow police tape surrounds the road at night, as the red and blue lights flash like the boobs of sexually excited women to Shadow, which is all of them. He chuckles to himself as he parks his car in the parallel way in the handicap spot. Detectives get priority over the law.
A big, fatty ass cop looks around at first in anger then in fear as he sees the hunk of a black man approaching quick in his roller skates.
"Detective Shadow, is that really you?" The cop shakes and squiggles in his copper boots.
"Don't cream your pants too hard there, officer, fuck you. Show me the deads."
"Yes, sir. It's a pretty rough look in there, lots of deads and only one blue survivor." The cop pointed towards the crime setting in fear and slight arousal at the sight of the dark, fuzzy hedgeboy. Shadow paused in thot at the sound of the word "blue", before forgetti spaghetting about it and continuing into the place of the recent murders, maybe.
Shadow skated broodingly through the halls, remembering that he too is technically a Harvard student but doesn't go to class because he's too naughty. He noticed how the old building didn't have cameras, so there's no way it captrued the previous crimes the last night. Damn the lack of evidence provided.
The gay cop said to the hedgehog as he struggled to keep up, panting with his small lungs, "Harvard won't show us the footage of the hallways, lying about them even existing in the first place."
Shadow grinned to himslf with a half smile and said under his musky alpha male-energy breath, "Of course this apartment doesn't have cameras, that would be an intrusion on people's privacy you dumb gay fuck."
"Yes master. Here's the door." Number four-twenty shone in golden plating letters on the almost closed door.
"Dio's mio!" Shadow proclaimed to the heavens, but not really as he was bad so it was actually the hells, as he was shone the crime house. Planking bloodied bodies on the kitchen and room of ironic living. What kind of sicko would DO this? Thot Shadow very hard...
Shaowdaw bent down to the red man's body, investigating with his investigative mind.
"Is he even bloodied? He looks fine." Shadow screamed at the homo cop from the behind of him.
"Sir, he is, it's just masked by his natural kool aid skin color…" The cop cried.
"I hate the reddies. Moving on." The dark detective tipped his fedora and left the kitchen, but not before noticing the fully-constructed Lego Star Wars Death Star set nearby.
"Woah. What the FUCK even is this? Some really nicely put together fully constructed Lego Star Wars Death Star Set? What kind of fuckhead nerd made this? Surely it wasn't the red man, he looks like a gay jocky sex fiend." Shadow snapped a pic of the set (which had some bloood on it for extra appeal) for his snapchat story. He shares his confidential information on there to get the ladies ;)
"I've seen enough of this gaybage. SHow me the living one." The stupid fat cop, probably eaten a large amount of Krispy Kream donuts, took him to the only room not surrounded by bloody streams.
There lied AMy Rose. Planking, pantiless, and lifeless. Also her titties. Damn.
He flipped her over to get a better look at her wounds and totally not her sexy filled lady hedgebody.
"Stabbed right between the boobles. This girlie has it rough, huh?" Shadow noticed her lack of undergarments and made a makeshift diaper with his leather jacket so she wouldn't be shamed no longer.
The cop watched in horror and horny as Shadow removed her clothes further. "What're you doing there son?! How innapproppriiative!"
"Shut the fuck up grampie, I'm checking out her epic stab wound. Isn't that our goddamn JOB?" Shadow shadowed and glared with his big eye.
"Well at least put some gloves on for the sake of decency." The cop scolded the black hedgehog as he shoved his shoulder away from the recently dead Amy Rose Eggman.
"I'm ALWAYS WEARING GLOVES yOU GAY ASSHOLE." Shadow whispered deep in the cop's ear with extreme pussy-destroying energy like the bad boy he was.
"I-I'm sorry, sir. Please continue." The cop sobbed and cried like a baby and remembered his better life at home and how much he hated his job and missed his lovely love of his life wife.
"Since you questioned my authority, I'm gonna fuck your wife too." said Shadow, and the man knew it was true because Shadow was a famous sex conquistador, and no woman could resist his blackness and cool fedora. Glad the cop finally shutted up his mouth, Shadow stared down at the breasts, which had nipples too. Damn said Shadow.
Moving on, Shadow skated moodily into the room of Tails Miles Hedgehog Prower the First. The true evidence of the crime would reside within it.
"A suidide note?!" Shadow shooked and spurted spit in shock, "How can this be? The little science boy Tail did all of this?"
No, it couldn't be, there has to be more to this mysterious mystery death crime. There's a missing piece to this puzzle… Shadow looked towards an almost-finished puzzle of an airplane was on Tails's desk. Shadow finished it. What else could be missing crime?
Before Shadow could finish his thought train as it was chugging along going through the fields of America to bring the lumber from the trees to the city to build more cool places, the gay asscop came in and interrupted it.
"Your broody-ness, sorry to bother your investigation energy, but we brought in your first "witness" to interrogate…" He pronounced with sad fear.
Shadow was flabborgasted with the sight he beheld in front of his black shadowy eyes and penis, but didn't show it because only gays show emotions.
Shadow tipped his fedora down and looked at the ground in quiet silence, not knowing what to say to the speedy boy in front of him. The blue blur snickered.
"Hehe, hey there buddy! Long time to pee."
End of CHatper 2