Tears Of Memory

by ChillifyVilify

The Ocarina of Time is an ancient device capable of manipulating time itself. It is beyond mortal comprehension, and as such, its true power is unknown. Using the Ocarina improperly can turn reality on its head, and the consequences of this ignorance can be devastating, especially to those that remember what happened before. Post OOT, but also not post OOT. Cover art by Agent3Novi!

7. Chapter 6: Completely In-Cow-herent

Welp. Let me tell ya, I had a blast writing this one. MQ Jabu Jabu, let's go!

In other news, I have recently made an AO3 account and am currently crossposting this fic over there, because I got a tip from Lonestar6 saying that more people go there now. It's totally synchronized, by which I mean I dumped all seven chapters there at once and prayed for the best. RRRP will include reviews from both and AO3.

RRRP:

ChangelingRin: Don't worry. I can assure you that Link isn't planning to commit suicide. And I think Link's more of a dog person than a cat person, given how he's constantly running around Hyrule doing stuff. Besides, if Link had a cat, they'd eat the fish before Jabu-Jabu could.

A Decent Person: Hoo boy, our first flame! I laughed for about fifteen minutes while reading this just because you described Link as a 'fucking edgelord crybaby'. I have no sense of humor. The reason it's so angsty is, to quote Thomas Fuller, "the darkest hour is just before the dawn", or something like that. Thanks for telling me that Ivan is cool!

Guest: It most certainly IS a fanfic. You're probably getting Acheronta Movebo vibes because that was the single largest inspiration for this fic. (ChangelingRin also inspired me, but that was more to post on the site. Still, though, Dimensional Links was a big deal.) Thanks for the feedback!

DISCLAIMER: If I owned the Legend of Zelda, the community would want me dead more than they already do. Therefore, I don't own LOZ.

Chapter VI: Cow-tastrophically Unusual Troubles

The waterfall split in two, revealing the entryway into Zora's Domain. Link silently thanked the Goddesses for ocarinas. The roaring of water particles ramming themselves into the smooth riverbed below him drowned out all of Link's thoughts, nearly making him miss the jump into the aquatic people's homeland.

The Domain was comfortable and pristine, filled with warm, fresh water and another roaring waterfall. Hadn't the Great Fairy said a Dark Mage was located behind a waterfall somewhere?

It was probably a good idea to check, but he would have to come back down later for a fish and to Rapid Transit to Lake Hylia, so doing it later would be most efficient. Right now he had to go chat with King Zora XVI… XIV… whatever, it wasn't important. Link jogged forwards on autopilot before proceeding to walk straight off of the stone ledge and into the water below, still thrown off by the mirrored world. Although particularly mortified, Link took the opportunity to catch a fish in a bottle before making his way back to the walkway.

"Now, Ivan would like to remind you that you are about to meet a king. You will refer to King Zora in the proper manner. Am I understood?" Ivan said forcefully.

"Yeah, yeah," Link replied flippantly, climbing a steep set of stairs.

The rotund royal was muttering something along the lines of "my poor, dear, sweet Ruto… where are you?"

Sweet Ruto, Link thought cynically, resisting the urge to scoff. There's a juxtaposition if I ever heard one…

Given his child status, Link knew that it would be futile to ask the King to let him into Lord Jabu-Jabu without that letter that was currently stuck at the bottom of Lake Hylia. And he couldn't get to the bottom of Lake Hylia without the Silver Scale, for which he would need to play the Diving Game for. Thank the Goddesses he was wearing his waterproof tunic.

But I can do the Diving Game any old time, Link reasoned. I should check behind the waterfall first.

With a goal set, Link ventured behind the waterfall to find… two torches. Link shivered, feeling oddly cold. Lighting the torches with Din's Fire did absolutely nothing, which made Link particularly angry. None of the walls were particularly vulnerable to explosions, either; the Hero was at a loss. Dejected, Link walked back up to the King's chambers, only to pass a few more unlit torches on the way.

"Maybe you have to ignite all of the torches, and not just those two behind the falls," Ivan postulated.

It was worth a shot, so Link pulled out a Deku Stick and lit it on fire in the nearby brazier before dashing down the steep stone stairs and lighting another torch. Swiftly, Link put the torch out before lighting it again, sprinting through Zora's Domain and lighting every torch he saw. Eventually, he got back to behind the waterfall again. This time, lighting the two torches caused a tiny section of the wall to slide open, allowing the child Link to crawl inside.

The small cave Link found himself in was filled with an unnatural light, as fiery red illumination licked at the walls of the cavern. The tingling sensation in his left arm that Link had long since grown used to crescendoed with the dancing flames.

"Ivan does not feel comfortable here," his partner informed.

"It's a bit unnerving," Link agreed, "but so are the Great Fairies, if we're being completely honest."

"Nonsense!" Ivan replied.

The walls of the cave were filled with a bizarre assortion of strange objects. Link could see a glass of Blue Fire, a Gohma eye, some confectioner's sugar, the head of a Gibdo that Link was half-convinced was still alive, more Tektike legs than he could count, a shark's brain, several blue potions, an elder wand, a broomstick, a jar of multicolored eyeballs, some vanilla extract, half of a Like Like, exactly eighty-seven blood-soaked walnuts, a violet potion, three Cucco eggs, a tuft of white Dinolfos hair, a Magic Bean, and a vial of condensed milk. And those were just the things that Link could identify at a glance.

There was also a black-scaled Zora with his back to Link, observing a great pot of something as it bubbled malevolently. It spewed noxious fumes into the dry air of the cave, but the Zora Dark Mage seemed to not care.

"There is something here," the mage muttered maniacally. "A dark energy of a sort I have yet to sense… How very… interesting…"

The aquatic being suddenly twisted his head one hundred and eighty degrees, revealing deformed features and piercingly yellow eyes. "Can I dissect you?" he asked Link, in a pale imitation of politeness.

"Uh, how about no?" the child shot back.

Suddenly, the Zora was brandishing a wand that was glowing with dark energy. "Then you are of no use to me!" the mage roared, chuckling madly as he released the spell in the form of a dark blast.

Link summoned his shield, slapping the magic beam away. The shield then promptly exploded into a shower of black diamonds, taking all of his dark energy with it.

The dark magician was staring at Link with some sort of insane scrutiny, slowly sashaying forwards from behind his cauldron, thankfully stowing his wand away. Link took a step back, unsure of what was going on.

"Unstable dark energy, to be sure," the Zora mumbled. "It needs proper… channeling."

"Then teach me," Link demanded calmly.

The Zora's gaze instantly shifted from Link's Stalfos hand to his face. His expression said it all.

"I can already summon a Stalfos shield no problem," Link explained. "But I still need to learn to channel my dark magic in more ways. That's the main reason why I came here in the first place."

"And how," the Zora inquired, dangerously calm, "did you happen to find this base of operations in the first place? I was quite sure my wards would prevent even the most powerful mages from finding me…"

"I got directions from the Great Fairy up on Death Mountain," Link explained casually.

"Ah, yes, that would explain it. Nasty folk, fairies," he continued. "Always ruining my fun."

Ivan, taking the hint, hid under Link's hat before the Zora could see or fully take note of him.

"But," the magician continued in a completely different tone, "If the fairy folk wish you to learn from me, then I don't really have a say in the matter. Fairies have a tendency to be so asinine when you don't do what they want, when they want. But I want payment for it."

"Name your price," the Hylian replied.

The dark mage chortled. "Cute. I want the rib of a Redead twice slain. Or just eighty Rupees. Do you know how expensive upkeep is? Every time one of my experiments breaks out of containment, they smash a giant hole in the wall! And King Zora won't even pay insurance for it!"

Link grabbed his Wallet, examining its contents before remembering that he had picked up a Huge Rupee from below a tree in Kakariko. Tugging the massive piece of currency out of his pocket proved to be more difficult than he anticipated, but Link eventually got it out.

"Do you have change?" The Hylian asked hopefully.

All he got was a curt "No!" as the mage snatched the giant Rupee out of Link's hands.

"Now, dark magic is a very volatile sort of magic," the Zora began. "It's like bartering for the right to use a spell, but instead of Rupees, one uses life force. Normally, one can negotiate with the pain the spell will inflict, but that sort of dark magic won't work with your… predicament.

"Therefore, any dark magic you wield cannot directly harm whatever it is you're fighting, and by proxy, must draw its energy from your own life force. Understood?"

"Yes," Link began, "bu-"

"So, you must either do harm to yourself or be harmed by someone else in order to cast dark magic, correct?"

"I mean, okay, but-"

"Therefore, we can only work on techniques that satisfy either of these requirements-"

"But what about my shield? I'm not always taking pain with that, am I?" Link finally got out.

If the Zora heard him, he disregarded the boy entirely. "One example of this would be the Mortal Draw, but that is far too advanced for a child such as you. So you'll be learning something a bit more basic. Now. Slap me."

"What?"

"You heard me, child. Slap me."

Doing as ordered, Link walked up to the Zora and swung his open hand towards the dark mage. He didn't expect to actually hit the Zora, but neither did he expect what happened next. He watched in horror as the mage was thrown back a half-step before melting into the floor and disappearing. Link felt a cold, slimy finger tap him on the shoulder, causing the boy to whirl around, seeing the Mage smiling at him with a toothy grin.

"That is what you will learn," the Zora explained. "The Backapparate!"

Link swore to never use that name.

"So how do I do it?" he asked.

!0*0!

"There's another six hours of my life I'll never get back," Link grumbled.

It had taken him nearly half a day to finally learn the Backapparate, and it involved at least a thousand stinging slaps to the face. It would have taken so much less time to learn had the ability not required perfect timing to pull off. Thank the Goddesses his dark magic slowly replenished with time due to his Stalfos Hand, or the Hero wouldn't have lasted half as long.

Oh, and the dark mage's name was Nierak. Good to know.

He had picked up the Silver Scale from the Diving Mini-Game, which wasn't all that hard if one disregarded the fact that Nierak had taken all of his Rupees. Now, armed with a Zora swimming scale, Link could dive through a tunnel that would take him all the way across the country to Lake Hylia in a matter of seconds. If only people could harness that sort of power without the Ocarina of Time.

Soon, Link surfaced in the warm, fresh waters of Lake Hylia, taking the opportunity to slake his omnipresent thirst and to refill his canteen. He ignored the handful of Zoras relaxing in the water and snatched the obvious, gleaming bottle stuck in the mud at the bottom of the body of water. As soon as it was out of the water, Ivan stole the bottle from Link, opened it, and unfurled the letter inside, perusing its contents.

"Ivan would tell you what's on the letter, but you know it already, Ivan assumes," Ivan mentioned. "The Zora Princess is inside Lord Jabu-Jabu, the Zora guardian god."

"Yup. Her name is Ruto, and she wants to marry me," Link admitted sheepishly, garnering odd glances from the nearby Zoras. "Hopefully we can avoid that."

Ivan started chortling. "Now there's a thought."

Link swam to the surf of the Lake and stepped out, absolutely sopping wet. He shivered as the water evaporated in the warm sun. It was a cloudless day, and a flock of geese had taken up residence in the shallower sections of the lake, their cacophonous cries echoing across the water. The Hero ignored them entirely, instead pulling out his Ocarina in front of Bonooru the scarecrow.

"Whoa! You have an ocarina!" the scarecrow suddenly said, as if it had never seen an ocarina before. "Hey, why don't you lay a tune on me with it, baby?"

"Wait, so Ivan cannot call you baby, but a random scarecrow can?" Ivan interjected, faux hurt.

"That's just Bonooru," Link explained. "You get used to it."

Link played a tune he knew he'd remember. He ended up playing a simple nine-note melody that vaguely reminded him of a black suit and a red blade.

"Well, not bad! I'll remember it for you anyway! I don't mean that I can only remember nine notes, but let's just cut it right there for now, baby?"

"Okay," Link said, already diving back into the Rapid Transit to Zora's Domain.

!0*0!

"Ho, this letter! It's from Princess Ruto!" King Zora exclaimed, stating the obvious. "Hmm… let's see… She's inside Lord Jabu-Jabu? That's not possible!"

"Well, I mean, I didn't write the Goddess damned letter, so…" Link stated.

Ivan appeared flummoxed. "Leetle man, you really need to work on how you address royalty."

"Our guardian god, Lord Jabu-Jabu, would never eat my dear, sweet, innocent Princess Ruto!" the fat fish continued, ignoring the pair in front of him. "But since that stranger, Ganondorf, came here, Lord Jabu-Jabu has been a little green around the gills…

"The evidence seems clear. Of course, you'll find Princess Ruto. You can pass through here to the altar of Lord Jabu-Jabu. I'll take the letter; you may keep the bottle it was in. Take it respectfully!"

Dear Goddesses, this guy changes his mood almost as fast as Ruto, Link thought. Like father, like daughter, I guess.

The Zora monarch started awkwardly shuffling to Link's right, making an extremely irritating beeping noise with each movement. Link would have moved past the king minutes ago had Ivan not Mind Hacked him into standing still, saying it was "only proper" to let the king finish.

About three uneventful life-ages of the earth later, the King had finally stopped shuffling and Ivan unleashed his partner from his mind control. Link immediately dashed to his left and up a slope, past King Zora and into Lord Jabu-Jabu's fountain. He knew that he could grab Farore's Wind from the nearby Fairy Fountain, but he really didn't feel like rubbing more salt into that still-festering wound, and the spell wasn't that important, anyway. He could skip it.

Link jogged onto the carved dais where the giant fish god languished. The massive thing snorted at him through his nostrils, eyes struggling to lock onto the new arrival from either side of its head. He knew what to do, fortunately; the Hero yanked out the jar containing the fish from his pack and dumped it out in front of Lord Jabu-Jabu. It flopped about like it was having a seizure. The fish god blinked once. Then again. Silence.

Then Lord Jabu-Jabu opened his great maw, inhaling with a great amount of force. The fish was sucked into the mouth, and Link, too, found himself picked up by the powerful wind and eaten alive. He gave one last look at the outside world before the jaws snapped shut, sealing Link inside.

The first thing he heard was the heavy breathing of the fish god, hot air coursing around him. The second thing he heard was the squishing of several Bubbles that must have been bouncing about the room behind him. The third thing he heard, however, easily took the cake for the weirdest thing he'd seen- heard?- in this mirrored world.

"Moo!"

Link turned around slowly and noticed that there were two cows stuck inside the flesh of Lord Jabu-Jabu's mouth, one on either side. There were also three Bubbles, two pots, two ferns, and a large boulder, but this came secondary to the pair of living livestock fused to the walls.

"Is there something… unusual here?" Ivan asked.

"Gee, I don't know," Link replied sarcastically. "Maybe it's the fucking cows stuck in the goddamn walls?"

"Leetle man ought to watch his language," the fairy grumbled.

"Whatever," the Hero of Time grunted before drawing his blade and charging in, also summoning his shield when an Octorok appeared. Reflecting the rock back at the Octorok made it die, and the Bubbles were easy enough to kill with just his sword. The cows kept mooing, throwing off Link's concentration.

"Shut up!" Link yelled at the cows. If anything, this only made them moo louder.

Rolling his eyes in pure, unadulterated exasperation, Link turned his attention to the large boulder in the center of the room. If he squinted, he could see that it was covering a large, cream-colored bulbous growth which could probably be pressed down. So he retrieved a bomb from his sack and lobbed it in the boulder's general direction. It worked, and the boulder was reduced to smithereens.

Link, meanwhile, stepped on the button, hoping that it would remove the algae-esque growth blocking a sphincter into the rest of Jabu-Jabu. He was severely let down when a large chest materialized out of nowhere. Praying that it would be the Boomerang, Link's hopes were dashed once again when he opened the chest to reveal a Dungeon Map.

"So what am I supposed to do?" Link thought aloud. "There's nothing here except some ferns, those pots I already broke, and the cows stuck in the wall."

"Moo!"

"Stop doing that" Link roared, nearing the end of his sanity.

"Moo!"

"Okay, that's it," Link stated murderously, pulling out his slingshot and aiming at the cow on the left. He aimed carefully, then fired, hitting the livestock dead between the eyes.

A chest appeared to his left. Link stared at it. Then back at the cow. Then back at the chest. Then at the button. Then at the other cow. Then back at the chest.

Opening the chest revealed some Deku Nuts.

"Ivan told you there was something unusual here!" Ivan proclaimed.

"So it's not the cows that are unusual, but rather the fact that I need to shoot said cows?" Link asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Da!" Ivan responded happily, like it made perfect sense.

The Hero grumbled something incoherent under his breath before shooting the cow on his right. The sphincter became unblocked, just like that, allowing Link to proceed.

"I think the less I question it, the better," the Hylian decided, progressing further into the fish god's body.

The next room had two electrified jellyfish, a platform that raised and lowered in a way that defied gravity, three thrashing electrified somethings blocking Link's path to the door, which was locked, and of course, a cow stuck in the wall. Turning to his left revealed a red tentacle blocking the path. Shooting the cow did nothing except make a small chest appear in an area he couldn't access.

Link could see no options save going down, so he jumped onto the floating platform and descended, avoiding the jellyfish as the slowly floated towards him.

The second level was filled with Lord Jabu-Jabu's interior liquids, as well as a door blocked by a massive watery outburst that rendered Link soaked. There was also a chest that revealed another Deku Nut, a Stinger that Link killed, and a cow sitting in the midst of all the brine that Link assumed he had to shoot. It didn't do anything.

"What are we supposed to do? There's no switches or anything… Ivan? Can you take a look in that water and see if there's anything down there? I can't see through it very well because it's pretty murky."

"Okay," Ivan agreed before darting down into the watery depths. He returned a few minutes later.

"See where that cow is? There's another small area down by there that has a large chest and a button. But you'll have to dive to get into it."

"Thanks, Ivan," Link thanked before jumping into the cold liquid. The chest had the Compass and the button did… something. Link wasn't quite sure. Hopefully it would open a door or something.

Back on the top level, Link found that the door onwards was, in fact, open. Link stepped through it… only to end up back in the first room. Realizing his mistake, Link turned one hundred and eighty degrees before going the other way, deeper into the bowels of Lord Jabu-Jabu.

The next room had several holes, an electrified jellyfish, two boulders, and muffled mooing. Link looked about a bit before noticing a young Zora staring back at him. It was Ruto, obviously. The Hero jogged up to her, opening his mouth to speak before being cut off.

"You! Who are you! I am Ruto, Princess of the Zoras," she started in an objectively obnoxious tone.

"I'm Link, and I'm here to get you out of here," he started before being cut off again.

"What?! Are you saying my father asked you to come here and… save me? Preposterous! I'd never ask anyone to do such a thing!"

"No, honestly. I'm here for an altogether different reason," Link explained. "You see, there was this letter-"

"'Letter in a bottle'? I have no idea what you're talking about? Ruto interjected hotly. "Daddy's worried about me? I don't care!"

"See what I mean, Ivan? She's a brat," Link whispered to his partner. Ivan didn't comment.

"Anyway, I can't go home right now. And you… get out of here! Understand?"

"Make me," Link growled, crossing his arms before remembering his Stalfos hand and instead clasping them behind his back.

"Ugh, whatever," Ruto snarled, turning on her heel and sashaying off… directly towards one of the blatantly obvious holes.

"Wait! There's a-" Link started before an electric jellyfish collided with his midsection. Link squealed in agony as the electricity coursed through his body. Unfortunately, he also wasn't able to warn Ruto of the upcoming hole, and she promptly fell right into it.

"Oooooh nooooooo!" she shrieked as she fell into the abyss.

"How did you miss that!" Link yelled down, trying and failing to contain his sudden mirth. "It was right in front of you!"

"Shut up!" Ruto's voice emanated from the lower level. "You could have warned me!"

"I tried to! But I got electrocuted by a goddess-damned jellyfish!"

Link backflipped into the hole after her, landing safely on his feet. She was glaring at him ferociously, and a part of Link was terrified.

Not much, though.

"Why are you still hanging around here! I told you to go away!" Ruto demanded.

"Well, we don't always get what we want," Link replied, admittedly a bit too snarkily.

"I'm fine. I've been inside of Lord Jabu-Jabu since I was little, but… Lord Jabu-Jabu is rather strange today…"

"Gee, what clued you in? Was it the fucking cows embedded in the walls?"

"Moo!"

"Language! Ivan grumbled.

"Right, sorry," Link apologized.

"And on top of that, my precious stone was… But… that's none of your business! Go home now! Understand?"

"Make me," the Hylian said seriously, pulling out his best no-nonsense face.

"You're that worried about me?" Ruto asked, rolling her eyes. "Then I will give you the honor of carrying me! But I won't leave until I've found the thing I'm looking for. You'd better believe me!"

"Yeah, I get it! No need to be so... hostile!" Link said, barely managing to not swear.

The Zora princess then proceeded to sit down, cross-legged, on the small raised section and looked at Link expectantly. The Hylian in question proceeded to disregard her entirely, instead opting to pop a Bubble and whack a jellyfish with a Deku Stick before stepping onto another fleshy outgrowth. The button caused a massive stream of water to erupt just below it, pushing Link up into the air. It created a solid enough platform to support his weight and then some.

So Link jumped off the water pillar, picked up Ruto, and then jumped back on before immediately jumping off onto another raised platform. He then set Ruto down on a blue button. This button caused the door back on the first raised platform to unlock, but Link wasn't done in this room just yet. Shooting the two cows stuck in the walls caused two small chests to drop down into the room. They contained ten Bombchus and some Deku Nuts. Seeing that the other points of egress were blocked by a red and green tentacle, Link opted to go through the now-unlocked door.

"Ruto! I need you to stay on that button, okay! Don't move!" Link hollered before the door shut behind him. Evidently, the Zora had disregarded his orders entirely, as he heard the telltale noise of the door locking behind him.

!0*0!

Link walked down the narrow passageway before him. Before the boy could even react, a Lizalfos dropped down from the sky and hacked at the Hero. The first hit connected, making Link stagger. But the Hero could take the opportunity to stab at the Lizalfos' unprotected midsection. He scored a hit, but the lizard leapt behind the Hero and swung its sword at him again. Link let the hit connect, and then Backapparated behind the Lizalfos and sawed its head clean off. The body thrashed about before collapsing, dead.

Link bent over, hands on his knees, and took a few heavy breaths. Hands shaking, the Hero of Time pulled out his container of Lon Lon Milk and slowly savored half of it, replenishing Link's health back to its maximum.

The next room Link found himself in consisted of two plateaus and a basin of internal liquids. There was also a Block of Time, a Like-Like, several Stingers, and a giant water pillar blocking the path onwards. So Link dropped some bombs down the Like-Like's gullet a la King Dodongo before dropping down himself and slaughtering the Stingers with his Slingshot. Now that the disgusting noises of the creatures were no longer present, Link could make out the sound of a Skulltula somewhere. It was probably underneath the Block of Time, and thus pointless to worry about.

Stepping on a switch in the middle of the basin caused the brine to start swelling underneath Link. Soon the level rose to over Link's head, and Link swiftly swam over to the white outgrowth on the side of the room and clambered up it, noticing a large chest where the water spout was before. Giddy, Link opened the chest to reveal a lovely boomerang, with a large red crystal binding the two edges to each other.

"Finally," Link grumbled good-naturedly before leaping off of the small alcove, landing safely on the other side with a forward somersault. The next hallway had nothing in it,and walking through the next sphincter only led back to the lower level of the second room. He took the flying platform back up to the room with all the holes in it. Link killed the two jellyfish in the room before turning his attention to the locked door ahead of him, leading to the tail area of the fish god. He also noticed several boulders, and figured that there must be a cow stuck behind one of them. Bombs yielded pots and ferns, but the muffled mooing was still omnipresent. The walls slowly convulsed around Link, but he ignored it.

He looked about, confounded, but didn't see anything. Ivan, however, did.

"Leetle man, look!" he stated, flitting over to a set of boulders stuck to the wall right by the entrance. "Try this!"

Link pulled out a Bombchu and gingerly set it down in front of him, watching as it sped forwards and blew up the boulders. Behind the rocks was a cow, which mooed in delight.

"Shut up, cow," Link hissed, shooting the cow with his slingshot. This prompted the door on the other side to unlock. The Hylian then proceeded to walk through the door after stunning the electric tentacle blocking the path.

!0*0!

The next room split into three different passageways. The one straight ahead had several boulders blocking the path. Link randomly decided to go left, then taking a right into an open doorway. The sphincter sealed itself behind Link, startling the child regardless of how many times it had happened before. The chamber in front of him had a fern in the center, a torch tucked away by the locked door, and two cows on either side of the room. Shooting them did nothing save spew a few Fairies out of the walls, which Link moved to catch in a bottle.

Then a Like Like dropped on his head.

Startled, the Hylian backpedaled away from the undulating gray cylinder, tripping and falling on his behind in the most undignified way possible. Whipping out his boomerang, Link stunned the menace and proceeded to hack away at it with his sword, using a bomb to vent his frustrations when finishing it off. Another Like Like fell from the ceiling in the process, but Link was prepared, and so it went down even easier than its predecessor.

After capturing the Fairies in a jar for death evasion, Link noticed that a small chest had appeared, the door had opened, and the torch by the door was lit. Opening the chest revealed a Deku Stick. He knew what he had to do. Link lit a Deku Stick with the torch before sprinting out of the room, lighting the cobwebs blocking the way to the leftmost room in the fish god's innards.

Inside the room was a massive blue tentacle that dangled from the roof. Link grinned sadistically; he knew these large multicolored protrusions were easy to deal with. So he ran in and threw his boomerang at the pinched section a few times, and the tentacle writhed madly before falling apart. Easy.

Link backed out of the room and moved to the right side of the trident-esque series of hallways, noticing several wooden boxes strewn around the path. There were two sphincters he could go through, so Link randomly selected the rightmost one and strolled through it.

He was introduced to the green tentacle, which was just as easy to slaughter as the blue one. Having diced the tentacle to bits, Link turned around and walked back out, taking a right immediately and going into that room.

The room before him had nothing of value, and the Compass wasn't registering anything, either. So Link, who didn't want to spend any more time than necessary inside of Lord Jabu-Jabu's internal organs, backed out and returned to the trident-like room. He picked up a box and meandered down to the central area, but was surprised by another Lizalfos that dropped from out of nowhere. It broke the box with its sword, reducing it to splinters. Link proceeded to ram the splinters down the lizard's throat, killing it.

Fortunately, there was another box.

Link set a lit bomb down by the boulders blocking the door before running backwards to grab the other box. When he came back, the rocks were gone and there was a blue button, which Link set the box down onto. He then walked through the door, killed the red tentacle, and left again, ignoring the Lizalfos as it dropped down again.

It was worthless, anyway. Just like everything else.

!0*0!

"How inconsiderate! How could you leave me behind?!" Princess Ruto demanded.

"I had to get through that door," Link explained angrily, pointing towards the moss-covered sphincter. "Quit complaining, or we'd never get out of here."

"Goddesses! Take some responsibility for once in your life!"

"What the hell do you think I'm doing?" Link grumbled, picking up the now sitting Princess.

Ruto shivered from above him. "Why is your hand so cold? You couldn't warm it up?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I have a condition which reduces my left hand to literal bones," Link huffed, brandishing his left hand a bit from its position so that Ruto could examine it.

Whatever Ruto was going to say next was cut off by Ivan. "Princess Ruto, Ivan must apologize for leetle man's behavior. Ivan does not think he expected to be spelunking Gospodin Jabu-Jabu's innards today."

"No, this is exactly what I expected, bar the cows," Link said. "I just really didn't want to have to deal with the most spoiled princess in the entirety of Hyrulean history."

"Show some respect!" Ruto demanded, particularly irate.

"Whatever. We're all going to die at some point anyway, so… not like it matters..."

Ivan appeared chagrined.

The fountain of water beneath Link's feet reached its maximum, allowing the Hero, Zora, and fairy to leap to the highest platform. The green tentacle that was once there was gone now, because Link had chopped it to bloody little bits in Jabu-Jabu's tail region.

The cows wouldn't stop mooing.

He walked through the door, as it closed behind him. From atop his head, Princess Ruto started thrashing wildly, feet kicking Link right in his eyes as she reached her arm out towards the spiked platform in front of them.

"That's it! That's what I've been looking for! Throw me up there! Onto the platform!" she demanded haughtily.

"Ow! Could you stop kicking me?" Link argued. "And Ivan, could you grab the Sapphire and bring it here?"

Ivan darted over to the center of the platform, examining the Spiritual Stone of Water sitting there. "Uh, Ivan thinks this is just a leetle bit far too heavy."

"Fine," Link acquiesced, chucking Ruto unceremoniously onto the dais. If she was injured by the throw, she didn't show it as she promenaded to the Spiritual Stone and picked it up. She was beaming.

"Oh my goodness!" she declared, sounding oh, so relieved. "I finally found… my mother's stone… I got very upset when Lord Jabu-Jabu swallowed it…"

"How did Princess Ruto let it get swallowed in the first place?" Ivan wondered.

"While I was feeding him, he suddenly swallowed me! I was so surprised that I dropped it inside. But now that I've found it, I don't need to be here anymore! …So take me home right this instant!"

"Okay, just come over here and we'll climb out in the other room," Link reasoned, barely keeping his fury in check. He hated being here, and it was rather obvious.

The Zora princess, seeming to agree, started walking forwards, only for the entire room to convulse around her. She lost her footing, and tripped. The entire platform suddenly raised into the ceiling, defying the laws of physics in the process.

"Keeeyaaaah! What is this? An octopus?!" Ruto's muffled screech reverberated.

Behind Link, the door sealed itself. This forced Link to turn on his heel and stare at the now-locked door. He could hear the giant spiked platform descend again, and the Hylian knew from experience that there was a Giant Octorok sitting on it. As soon as Link heard the loud boom of the octopus hitting the lower area he was sprinting in the opposite direction, keeping an eye on the direction of the dais' spin. He knew that as long as it was spinning in the opposite direction Link was going, the Octorok hadn't turned around. He readied his Boomerang, waiting for the opportune moment.

"Ivan!" Link yelled over the loud splashing noises of the Octorok. "When I'm close enough to that Octorok to hit it with this Boomerang, I want you to fly over to it. Just so that I can tell when I should throw it, okay?"

"Da!" the fairy responded, flying alongside the Hero of Time.

He kept running. Eventually, Link was close enough, and the Octorok was stunned by a solid throw from Link's Boomerang. He pulled out a Deku Stick and brought it down on the now-exposed rear of the octopus, snapping the Stick but dealing large amounts of damage to the beast.

It was thrown several feet in front of it, spun around a bit, and started charging at Link at full force. Link started running in the opposite direction, turning around again when he noticed the central platform's change in spin. The procedure repeated itself, and the Octorok met its end with the Kokiri Sword embedded in its backside.

!0*0!

The door unlocked and the platform descended a bit further, allowing Link to step on it. Once the Hero was standing in the center of the dais, it rose into the ceiling, allowing access to a new area. Princess Ruto was nowhere in sight.

There was a cow in the wall which wouldn't stop mooing and a few vases, all of which felt the wrath of the Hero of Time. The pots had Rupees, Deku Sticks and some bombs, while shooting the cow made the door to the next area open.

"Easy," Link bragged, running down the hallway towards the door. His triumph was promptly cut off by a giant jellyfish appearing from hammerspace just in front of the sphincter, nearly crushing Link. Fortunately, he was able to avoid the initial attack, but the jellyfish started spinning in place, flailing its tentacles about erratically. One of them caught Link on the shin, and the Hero grunted in pain. Even still, he mustered the strength to walk through the door into the next area. There was a cow stuck in the wall, a cow standing on the floor like a normal animal, and two living pillars of electricity. The door to the next area was locked, and there was a blue button just in front of the door. The only issue was that Link had nothing to put on that button in order to open the door. Shooting the cow in the wall did nothing, and killing the Lizalfos that attacked when Link approached the other cow did nothing, either.

Odd.

Link's boots were soaked in internal juices and they squelched with every step. He resolved to get new boots when he got back to the forest, as well as a new tunic and gloves.

"Maybe leetle man missed something in the last room," Ivan suggested.

"I don't think so," Link debated, scanning the lower level of the floor for an eye switch or something. His search was fruitless.

"Ivan thinks you should go back and check. Do it for Ivan's sake?"

"Okay, fine."

It turned out that Link didn't need to. Somehow, two wood boxes had appeared right by the door to the last room. They were sitting atop what appeared to be hookshot panels, which confused the child immensely.

He decided to count his blessings and not question it.

Link stunned the two thrashing platforms with his boomerang, then grabbed a box and leaped across to the other side, placing the box down on the blue button and walking through the sphincter. The cows mooed as he left, as if saying goodbye.

There were two platforms in this next area. Link knew it was above the crossroads room, the very second room he had ever entered in Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly. So the child hopped onto the other platform, and it slid along the mucusy wall until it was level with the first area. This allowed the Hero to enter the area formerly blocked by the red tentacle. He kicked open a chest with a small health potion before strolling through the sphincter into the last room.

Immediately, he heard the gurgling of a Like-Like, and surveying the room revealed another. There was a viny section of wall that led to the top of a high outcrop, and two cows stuck in the wall. They should be the last in the dungeon, and Link was content with that. He could also hear the clacking of a Skulltula, but he couldn't see it just yet.

He threw a Deku Nut at the floor, stunning both Like-Likes. He then smashed four Deku Sticks to destroy them both, and they dissolved into a pile of Rupees. Now his wallet was full again. Convenient.

The door to the Boss Area was sealed tight; he probably had to shoot a cow or something. So Link shot the cow closest to him, but all it did was make a chest drop down from nowhere, hitting Link on the head in the most embarrassing way possible. It held a Deku Nut.

Deducing that it must be the other cow, Link climbed onto the vine-covered outcropping to get a better angle on the aforementioned animal. He also noticed the Golden Skulltula perched on the structure to his left, which Link was able to seize. He then pulled out his slingshot and fired on the cow. It mooed, releasing a Red Rupee as it slid twenty feet up the wall. Both Link and Ivan were stupefied by the strange actions of the cow, but they came to the decision that questioning it would drive them insane. So they ignored it, shooting the cow again. It slid another ten feet up along the wall, this time releasing a Fairy. They shot the cow again. A loud chiming sound filled the room, and the door to the Boss Room unlocked. Relieved that this insanity was finally almost over, the Hylian and his fairy darted into the room as it sealed behind them.

!0*0!

The bioelectric anemone, Barinade, was waiting for him on the other side of the door as several transparent jellyfish swarmed around the creature's vulnerable body, protecting it for now.

This would be easy.

Link dashed forwards, ignoring the convulsing walls as he readied his boomerang for a throw. The anemone readied its electric armaments, but swiveled them to stare at its red, blue, and green tentacles as they were promptly sliced to pieces by Link's boomerang. Given this change of events, it hauled itself up a bit out of the floor, swinging jellyfish around the room like the Windmill in Kakariko Village after he had played the Song of Storms. Link dodged the mindless creatures and chucked his boomerang into Barinade's midsection, stunning both it and the jellyfish. Link then took the opportunity to slay the jellyfish, pausing frequently to re-stun the scourge of Jabu-Jabu's internal organs.

Then the room started shaking.

The floor started undulating in time with the walls, in a fashion that reminded Link of Bongo Bongo's drums. Meanwhile, Barinade had summoned the last of its electric jellyfish and were whirling them around itself in a tight circle, zooming around the room towards the child. Link threw himself to his right, landing on his side as a particularly violent movement surged through the floor. He then was greeted with the horrifying sight of Barinade bearing down on him, readying a surge of electricity from its three tentacles. Swallowing his fear, Link allowed the beast to collide with his body, using his dark magic to Backapparate behind the anemone. He then stunned it with his boomerang and went to town on the jellyfish, backing away when they started rotating again. Fortunately, it was much easier to stun Barinade the next time, as the anemone was no longer entirely protected from the Boomerang.

Once all the jellyfish had ceased to exist, Barinade started madly moving around the room, tentacles firing shot after shot of electricity and filling the room with the acrid scent of ozone. It was easy enough to stun, but as Link was about to jump-slash its exposed midsection, the floor spasmed violently, throwing the unsuspecting Hero right in between Barinade's three arms. Making the best of the situation, Link slashed away at the top of the beast, splashes of verdant blood spewing forth from any attack the Hero made.

Barely hearing a warning from Ivan, Link ducked as a blast of electricity zipped just over his head. He turned and leapt off of the top of the anemone, barely avoiding another blast as the walls suddenly started squeezing in around him. This limited the amount of space Link could move in, and by proxy, the amount of room Link had to dodge Barinade's attacks. Soon, the creature started moving again, revealing its weak point as it glided about. Another stun was followed by a few more attacks, which fortunately didn't throw Link thirty feet into the air this time.

The beast regressed into the floor again, spraying its internal liquids as it wildly fired blast after blast of electricity. The Hero was able to avoid most of the attacks, but a few managed to clip him from time to time. Eventually, it revealed its weak spot one last time, and Link, seeing his opportunity, thrust his blade into it.

The boss suddenly seized up, red tumors forming all over its surface. The arms were consumed by the tumours and fell off. The rest of its body exploded into a wave of green blood and cartilage, drenching the Hero in its disgusting fluids. Link shivered, uncomfortable, as he drunkenly staggered over to the glowing blue spot on the floor where Ruto inexplicably floated, glaring at him with her hands on her hips and… was that a blush?

"You… you're late! What took you so long? You're useless!" she hollered at her savior, crossing her arms. "I was just lonely, that's all… Just a little!"

"Oh, Farore, not this again… why me?" Link mumbled. Ivan was laughing quietly in the background, but ceased when Link shot him a glare that would make Ganondorf jealous.

The blue glow expanded upwards, pulling Link and Ruto up and out of the fish god's innards. It dropped them off on top of a very narrow log, and Link was staring deep into Ruto's eyes. Naturally, the Hero wanted a little breathing room, and stepped backwards a little, only for his sodden boots to betray him. The Hylian comically slid off of the log and fell gracelessly off into the clear water below. Said water quickly became not as clear, as all the blood and sweat plastered to Link's body started to shed off into the water, tainting it green and red.

He noted that it was a week before Summer's Day, and that it was warm. He'd done it. He'd just saved the world again.

Link surfaced a few seconds later, gasping and coughing up all the water from his lungs. Vaguely, he heard a splash behind him; Ruto must have jumped into the lake after him.

"You looked cool… cooler than I thought you would, anyway," she admitted. "Well, you saved me and found my mother's stone, so I guess I should reward you… What do you wish? Just tell me…"

Link thought for a moment. He needed the Spiritual Stone of Water, but he also really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really didn't want to get engaged at the ripe old age of ten and a quarter, because that caused quite a few complications with his life.

"Okay, I know I might be putting you in a pickle, but I need the Zora's Sapphire to save the world," Link said, trying to not sound completely insane. "I know the traditions and customs associated with it among the Zora, but I'd really rather not get engaged at s… ten years old. I think we're both a bit too young to think about that sort of thing."

Well, one of them was, anyway.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, Princess, but given our conversations inside of Lord Jabu-Jabu… I doubt we're each other's types," Link added lamely.

"But… but… my late mother gave it to me and said I ought to give it to the man who would be my husband…" Ruto said, morose.

"I get that, I really do," Link tried to console, "but I need the Stone. If you don't give me the Stone, Ganondorf, King of Ev- of the Gerudo, will just come and take it by force. According to your father, he was the one who made Lord Jabu-Jabu sick in the first place. Once the trouble dies down, I'll bring the Stone back, but until then, I need to bring it somewhere safe."

"Where are you thinking?"

Where was he going to bring the Stones, actually? Link contemplated fleeing Hyrule, but he had no idea what was outside of the country, so that was off the table. Then his mind instantly located the perfect place; somewhere where he could keep an eye on them, and more importantly, where Ganondorf couldn't go.

"Back to where I live, in the Lost Woods. Adults can't go there without becoming a Stalfos like my hand," Link explained, showing his hand for emphasis. "Okay?"

"A-all right," Ruto relented. "I'll give you my most precious possession: Zora's Sapphire!"

She dived under the water and swam away a little, eventually resurfacing and chucking the Stone at him. It hit Link on the head and fell into the water; fortunately, Link was able to fish out the gem before it started sinking.

"Don't tell my father," Ruto said as she swam past him and into Zora's Domain.

Link heaved himself out of the cool, fresh water, sat down heavily on the stone dais, ignored Lord Jabu-Jabu, and drank from his canteen.

"Ivan?"

"Da?"

"Could you go tell the Princess that I've collected all the Spiritual Stones and that I'll be bringing them to the Lost Woods until things die down? I'll be heading to Kokiri Forest, okay?"

Ivan raised an eyebrow. "Leetle man wants time to think, da?"

"That too," Link admitted sheepishly.

"Okay. Ivan will go."

And just like that, the fairy was gone, zipping off towards Hyrule Castle.

Link breathed a sigh of relief. The sun was warm on his skin. Comforting. He decided that he was content, to an extent. Everyone may have forgotten everything, but things were already looking great. And it looked like things would only get better from here.

!0*0!

Let's end this chapter on a high note, shall we?

NOOTTD:

1. I hope to make the boss fights a bit cooler each go. I have huge plans for Morpha and Bongo Bongo, especially.

2. The nine-note song that will become the Scarecrow's Song is literally just the main nine notes of the Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme). I felt like it.

REVIEW PLEASE!