When will this end?
Should I just delete him from my life?
But a life without him is empty and pointless. I can't be happy without him
Well, we talked. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I saw it in his eyes what he'd say when I first saw him. And there was a huge lump in my throat, I didn't want to hear it.
Basically he said that he didnt want a relationship right now, that he wasn't ready for it, that he felt he needed to be free and by himself and hang out with the lads and just "chill". But if you love someone you can always make it work yeah? So that's all just bullshit... besides he gets off with random girls at the pub? What's wrong with me..
I just nodded and tried to smile, and I couldn't say anything.
"I dont want to hurt you, yeah?" he said and gave me a hug.
I've never felt so betrayed.
I stumbled down to the common room immediately, seeing blurry, not knowing what I was doing or where to go. I knew I had three more lessons, but I just couldn't do anything else than stumbling onto my bed in the dormitory, shutting the curtains and lie there. I felt hollow and empty and I just stared.
For hours I lay there, alone in the silence, my thoughts almost driving me mental. Sometime after dinner the girls arrived, shouting about where I'd been and what I'd missed and asked about what Draco had said.
We had planned on going out again that night, it was Friday after all. This time we would make our way to London if we managed. Hogsmeade wasn't enough. I decided I would not wallow in self-pity any longer and put on a tight little dress and did my hair and makeup for once. I was not going to let him screw me over yet again. I'd play back, just like he played with me. I'd fuck him up so bad. I'd make him regret and pine. Wanker wanker wanker.
We went out, sneaking out of the castle and into the village of Hogsmeade where we would catch the Knight Bus. The only problem though, was that apparently Daphne had talked to the boys about going out together, so when we appeared on High street in Hogsmeade, there they stood – Draco, Blaise, Theo, Crabbe, Goyle and Montague. They all greeted each other, I didn't really care – I just wanted to go out and get drunk and kiss someone and forget about everything for a little while. I didn't care if Draco saw it or not.
A few drinks in and I was already a bit woozy, and enjoying it. We had met up with a couple more friends and some blokes had joined us. I probably got more attention than I ever had. I reckoned it was because I'd made an effort for once to look good – I was wearing that tight little dress; I was usually much more casual and not as provocative nor dressed-up. That was probably it.
"You've got no idea how many blokes've asked me bout you," Daphne leaned in and said, encouraging. "Get over him already, you've missed out on so much being with him, you've got no idea how many guys would die for you - I'm not joking! Countless of blokes have talked to me about it and about what I would think they should do to try and get off with you and get to know you better... but you're just been off with that loser..."
I swallowed hard. She could talk about it so lightly, I wished I could as well.
She continued boldly: "Have another drink and just pick and choose, love. You deserve a good shag."
Que entering our dear lads. Blaise, Theo, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. I took a deep breath as I tore my eyes away from them as quickly as I managed and tried to focus on something else.
Daphne squealed. "Fucking hell...big surprise, our dearest friends are here."
On my other side, I had Tracey saying: "Just be careful what you do - think over everything."
It was like an angel and a devil balancing on my shoulders. And tonight I was bad, I felt it in me like I never had before.
I'd decided. I did care if he saw it. I wanted it to hurt. Hurt like the thousand times he'd heard me.
These people had dragged out everything kind, nice and good in me and all was left was a bitter, heartbroken, revengeful bitch.
A while later I was step-by-step letting a local young wizard named Simon get closer to me. I felt horrible sitting there smiling and laughing at his jokes and letting him believe I was interested. But that didn't stop me.