8

You were standing with your girlfriends in the street
Falling back on forever, I wonder what you came to be…
I was new in town, the boy with the eager eyes
I never was a quitter, oblivious to schoolgirls' lies

When I look back on those neon nights
The leather seats, the passage rite
I feel the heat, I see the light

After that I went home. My night felt ruined and I didn't have any more fun. Draco was a dick and so were my previous best guy-friends. It was no fun anymore. Everyone tried to set us up, make us get together, because they thought we were a great fit, well guess what , he didn't want me, so that made it all just completely embarassing. It just made it more obvious for everyone around us that he didn't want me, when they did that. My ears were burning hot.

On Saturday, the girls went to a party out in the Forbidden Forest set up by the Ravenclaws. It was fun! And the best part was that Draco and the other lads weren't there – not invited, in fact – this was a whole other group of people, even though we all know each other at Hogwarts, it is actually big enough so that you can choose your group of friends, and not everyone is great friends with everyone. So you can actually kind of escape if you want too. Lucky the school wasn't smaller. On Sunday we all just did homework in the dormitory. I'm lucky I've got the girls.

Then on Monday we all went down to the Great Hall for breakfast – eggs, sausages, grapefruit, tea – it was very lovely, and very English. Just the way I like it. And then we all left for Christmas holidays. It was December 21st. It was lovely coming home to see my mum and dad for a few days. We live in a big house in Ipswich in Suffolk. Not as large as Draco's manor, but nearly. Catching up with mum and dad was cosy, we had tea in front of the fireplace in the sitting room all evenining, and then in the morning it was time to pack. Us girls had planned a night in London entire term. After lunch when I was all set, I kissed mum goodbye and hopped into the fireplace and Floo'd into the Leaky Cauldron pub in London. I wrinkled my nose, it stank and was full of the locals. But soon my face expression turned into a happy one as I spotted Daphne, Tracey, Aurelia and Millient by one of the tables. We happily embraced, sqealing. The barkeep sent us irritated looks. We walked up the stairs into our booked room, and began doing our makeup and getting ready for the night, while chatting on merrily.

All in all, the evening was lovely – starting off at the fanciest restaurant in Diagon Alley, The Wicked Wand, and cheered for ourselves with champagne, and then off to a pub, and then to a huge club – and ending it all off with a nighttime meal at a Muggle grill, then straight back to the Cauldron where we fell asleep immediately. It was the most fun and it had me thinking of something other than Draco.

The next morning wasn't as fun, however, there was something temporarly wrong with the entire FlooPowder Network in all of Britain, so after talking to the soothing barkeep at the Inn, who were ordering all the other guests (many in panic), to order a Muggle taxi, that was what we did. We all stepped inside the vehicle with confused and slightly frightened looks on our faces – we'd never even gone near one of those things before… The other girls managed to sleep in the taxi, and I tried as well – with my cheeks agains the window surface but I just couldn't… I kept thinking about Draco, looking outside the window, feeling llike I could cry. I was broken from everything we'd been through, that was what it felt like. And yet a part of me, I knew, were hoping we could give it another go – a small part of me gnawing inside. I tried to ignore it like I had for the past year.

That night after dinner with my parents, I met the girls again, this time going round our local pub for a quiet night, just a Butterbeer or two. I feel sick and ashamed for feeling like that – but I couldn't deny that I was excited. I wanted to see him.

And then he walks into the pub with a short brunette witch, quite similar to me. And he was holding her hand and they sat together and she was on his lap, but not just that, not like the other slags, no – he hugged her and kissed her and…

I went outside to the street and vomited. It had been an hour and I hadn't been able to focus on anything but the two of them. They'd sat down with us, the lads and Draco and his girl, and I'd gotten it quite clear that Draco and her had something going on. He didn't even look at me the entire night. Tracey had looked at me worriedly several times, but I kept a stone face. It was over.

I felt too broken for words, too say for crying. Not even sad, just… empty. Like it was pointless. Like I'd seen it coming. I wasn't even angry with him – I couldn't bring myself to be – I didn't try to get his attention, I didn't talk to any of my friends about it, I didn't let it show. It was too late. Because I had a hole where my heart had been, because he had been digging that hole for the entire past year.

That night I didn't even cry myself to sleep. I just felt helpless. There was nothing to do. It was just the way it was. He knew how much I loved, needed him, he knew he made me choke, he knew he made my heart and entire insides ache, but he didn't care. He took what he wanted from me and then lied to me and said he wanted his space and didn't want to be with anyone but the lads right now, and a few days later when I was in London for just one evening, he finds a new girl. But I was finished trying to show my hurt to him, trying to make him care. I was only fooling myself and that was what hurt the most - I was ashamed of myself. I should've known better, I shouldn't have been stupid. It was my fault.

Five days passed and I did nothing, because I was empty. Christmas Eve and Day passed. I smiled and thanked for my expensive gifts, but I didn't feel any cheerfulness inside.

On New Years, Blaise were having a big party round his. I only went because Daphne insisted – she wanted to get off with Blaise again – and all my friends were going. I didn't care what I did, because nothing took my mind off the hole inside me, nothing made me smile, nothing made me cry either it was like I was empty. So I could just as well go.

It was a big party and I was sitting in the sofa with my girlfirends and that girl, she seemed shy and... sweet. And I couldn't hate her, which made me instead hate myself more. She had been hanging out with us previous couple of days since Boxing Day. I had been forced to witness her and Draco getting closer and getting to know each other better. And every little thing felt like a stab in the heart literally. It hurt so much. I didn't think "heartache" could hurt for real, but my stomach ached so much and I could barely breathe. It was like somebody sucked out everything inside me and filled it with vacuum, making everything insie me, my organs, my mind, everything, just shrink to a tiny spot.

And then she happened to sit down next to me. Small talk went on between everybody, but I felt uncomfortable sitting next to her, talking to her. I didn't want to know why she was better than me. I tried to focus on other things, I even went up to dance for a while, but when I came back she was still there. I reluctantly sat down there – Tracey gave me an understanding look and sat down next to me. We talked about something with Daphne, about Blaise - Daphne whined about that she didn't know whether he liked her or not.

And then, that girl, she's named Michelle by the way, started talking to me. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

I turned to her, little surprised. "Yeah, sure?"

She looked a little squirmish, as if insecure, and with a frown she said: "You know Draco well, yeah?"

I frowned, realised she probably didn't know me and Draco used to be a couple. And I nodded and looked away: "Yeah."

"Well," she said, and looked his way, he was at the other end of the room with his friends, I looked too. "I reckoned, 'cos you're all a very tight group of friends.,. so I just thought that perhaps you could help me..."

"Yeah... really?"

"Yes, I mean... do you know him well?" she repeated.

"I..." I doubted. "I suppose, yeah."

"Okay good," she gave a sort of little scared smile. I realised she really liked him – it hit me like a stone to my chest. I swallowed hard. "Could you like... tell... if he likes someone?"

I opened my mouth but didn't know what to say. I frowned, licking my lips.

"I mean... like... do you think he fancies me? because... I fancy him.. I think..."

I felt sick. I cleared my throat.

"Honestly, I've got no idea. We don't talk much any longer," I said, sort of shortly and sipped my drink.

She looked at me. "Oh," she said and looked down.

And thats when Draco looked over and saw us talking.

I went out for a cigarette with Daphne when he came outside, with Blaise and Theodore. I tried avoiding them, but in vain. Draco quickly leaned out and lit my cigarette right under my nose.

"There you go," he said. "And now," he snapped the lighter shut and put it down, and stared at me. "Why dont you tell me why you're talking shit about me to Michelle, which I can only assume is what you were doing?"

Daphne immediately got in between, exclaiming "whoa!" and stepping in between us, as Blaise and Theodore were saying "leave it mate" and things like that, and I said: "I didn't," looking at him right in the eyes.

"Yeah, you didn't?" Draco suddenly raised his voice. I didn't know what was happening.

"Mate, chill out," said Theodore.

"Pansy, I can see right through you!" he said out of nowhere. I gasped.

"Through me? You can see through me? Because I'm playing some sort of game, yeah?"

"Fucking leave it Draco, you're a dick!" shouted Daphne and actually dramatically pushed him away, hard to his chest, surprising everybody including Draco himself. He stepped back and was caught off guard for a moment. That was when I saw my escape. I started hurrying towards the entrance, but then he shouted: "Just get over it, Pansy!" and laughed at the same time, as if he was mocking me. It felt like a punch in the stomach, or a knife in the back. Adrenaline pumped throguh my veins as it rarely did. I wanted to hit him, punch him for causing me so much pain. But I would sink to his level, getting angry. I would keep calm. I turned to face him again.

"You're patethic," I said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, I'm patethic?" he laughed evilly. "I'm patethic?"

That was when i snapped. I turned and roared, fuming: "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO HER? SHE - ASKED - ME! I DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH YOUR RANDOM SLAGS!" i was breathing heavily. Daphne laughed loudly.

Michelle had come out in time to hear what I'd shouted.

I just went home immediately. Theodore walked me. He apologised on Draco's behalf but I didn't want it from Theodore and I said so.

"I don't know what he's doing," Theo shook his head. He was still trying. I was sick of it.

"Don't even..." I trailed off, not needing to end the sentence.

"I know it's unfair to you and that it's not okay what he's doing, but... you know that he loves you." he paused.

I just shook my head. He didn't. Not anymore.

"You know that," he repeated. "I know it. Everybody knows it. You're his perfect, you know, girl-next-door. You know he's loved you since we first met you, when you were with your ex. And that you were the first and only girl he's even tried a relationship with. You know you're the only one that matters to him. He just doesn't want..." He trailed off.

I had tears in my eyes. I just wished what he'd just said had come from Draco's lips instead.

"Exactly." I finished for him, breathlessly. "He doesn't want it."

Theo's face turned into a sad frown.

"He doesn't think it's safe."

I looked at him. "What do you mean by that?"

We continued walking. "That he's scared of you, I suppose."

"Fuck it, it doesnt matter anymore," I said, stomping on my cigarette. "It's over. He doesn't want it and I don't want it either."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't," I said firmly.

"You love him."

"Yes I do," i said. "And I absolutely hate that I do. So I'm done."

Next night Theo had a small gettogether at his place, just the group. So me, Daphne, Tracey, Aurelia, Millicent and a couple of Slytherin girls from the younger year went, and at his place were Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Marcus Flint, Montague, Pucey, Warrington, Bole, Derrick, Urquhart and Higgs. And Draco and his new girl.

I tried to hang out like nothing was wrong and just not mind Draco, but it was difficult. It was awkward between me and them. The girl, Michelle, looked at me all the time and looked sad. I supposed she'd found out about me and Draco, that we used to be a couple. And hearing me shout what I did about her hadn't exactly helped probably. I cringed at the memory, ashamed.

And later, my friends and I were out smoking, and she came outside and sat down next to where I was sitting in a blanket. Apparently my friends were done smoking and they all threw away their cigarettes and gave us looks as if to say to me "stay, talk to her", abandoning me, that made me frustrated.

"Hi, you all right?" she said to me and tried to smile.

"I'm good, you?" I said hastily and got up and mashed my cigarette in the ashtray. "Actually I'm just going inside."

"Please, stay, can I just have a word with you for a minute?"

I froze, my back to her. And then I turned and sat down again. I felt like I had to, after shouted those things about her. I lit another cigarette just to have something to do.

"I... er..." She seemed insecure. "I'm terribly sorry."

"What for?" I said, surprised. she hadn't done anything wrong really.

"I mean... for talking to you about Draco like that.. I just didn't, you know, know that you're his ex-girlfriend. And I'm sorry for you know passing that limit with you."

"It's all right. Honestly," I went to leave again but she stopped me by saying: "I can't live up to the bar you've set."

I turned around and looked at her. "What does that mean?"

She sighed and looked away. "It's not me he wants."

"Oh I think it is," I answered sort of sarcastically.

"He just ditched me."

And then I distanced myself from that whole group for the rest of Christmas holidays, which was a few days. I didn't want to see them for a while. I couldn't handle being around Draco. Why the hell had he broken up with that perfect girl? And why the hell was I the first person she'd come to talk to after they split?