15

There were a few drunken nights at parties over Christmas holidays, until we realised we wanted to be a couple.

You know the rest of the story. We had a year long off and on, back and forth relationship where we would have the most perfect time and then we would have a huge fight and break up. Over and over.

I didn't realise it at the time because I didn't really have anything to compare with but thinking back on it, our relationship was a bit different. For instance, I remember clearly the first time he ever held my hand. It was two months (yes, two months) into our relationship, the same goes for the first time he called me "sweetheart" or "love", and I remember it because I was so glad he was showing emotion. Thinking back on it, perhaps it didn't mean that he meant it less, or that our love was less special - perhaps it was the opposite, perhaps it meant more that way.

I didnt think it then but thinking back I know why I was so unhappy, he's had a spell over me for almost 3 years. He made me doubt myself because of the way he treated me leaving and coming back. Ive always thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I'm starting to think differently, I'm starting to realise that perhaps it was the opposite
At the same time he made me a stronger person. He made me be able to stand up for myself, something I hadn't done much before. He made me be able to speak my mind.

Anyway, and skipping a head to the present. My birthday this autumn, when he finally confessed his love for me. We got together and I was shining being so happy, for a few weeks.
Then it started to wear off.

It was such an extreme anti-climax.

After all the times I've had my heart broken by him, and all the big reuinions, this time it just didn't feel the same.

I didn't feel anything. We'd been through it too many times. I was used to it. And after more than two years on and off with this bloke, it didnt feel like it mattered anymore. We were both just waiting for us to break up again or for someone to hurt the other – that was what we lived on. I wasnt satisfied with just a quiet life with him, lying on his chest watching a film night after night. We weren't cut out for it. We sought out the drama, we began fighting over nothing and I would leave and he would chase after me. But it wasn't the same anymore.

The chase became too much and we didn't want each other anymore, I think. We were teenages and Hogwarts crushes, first loves. And I think the only thing drawing us back to each other all the time was that we'd never had a proper finish. And when we finally got each other, it wasn't that other person we wanted. It was only the chase.

I felt drained. Drained of emotions. Drained of the will to fight for someone again. It just wasn't worth it it the end. The two year long chase had ruined my feelings for him. It wasn't worth it anymore. We only wanted each other when we couldn't have each other. We just wanted more drama, more fights, more heartbreaks, more reunions. But that wasn't healthy for either one of us.

No matter how much I wished we would be the e perfect couple, that he was my soulmate, and that I was finally happy now, I couldn' t believe it anymore. It still matters so incredibly much to me, yet I know me and him together will never work. Will never work. It will never be me and him. We'd destroyed our relationship by this game of cat and mouse.

It was empty. And that's when the realisation of all those years with him having been a lie and a broken fairytale, hit me.

It made me choke.
There was no such thing as the perfect love, the perfect bloke.
I couldn't go on living like that, I felt empty.

We fell to pieces. I don't know when it turned out so wrong.

And he had destroyed a big part of me. I don't think I can love again.

It's better now though. It's been about six months and I'm still getting over it all, but we've both realised it was just a teenage crush. It feels sort of bittersweet. He's still a friend of mine and we're starting to be okay with being more than polite to each other too. But I've learned so incredibly much from this. I'm worth better. And that's no offense to him because I love him still, he's been my best friend for years and I've honestly thought he was the one I would marry and that he was my soulmate. I don't think anyone could forget a person like that for a while.

I feel even more emotionally broken down than when we were a couple all those months ago.

I try to see other blokes, but nothing happens. It's not like how I fitted with him – we were like the same person.

But it's over for real this time.

I just can't manage to feel anything for anyone else. I suppose it takes time.

But I won't go back.

This time, it's for real.

Perhaps if we'd met each other in another time, in two years, or ten. Our timing wasn't right, we were too immature and childish, and we didn't treat each other well enough. I think the two of us are living proof of that no matter how much you love someone, that's not enough to make something work that's always been broken.

So, I'm sorry. It did have a bad ending. But life doesn't always have a happy ending. And because Draco and I didn't have a happy fairytale ending, doesn't mean I won't. Perhaps this is my happy ending, finally getting over him.

So what I'm trying to say is I think, that life goes on. It does. Whether you want it to or not.

This time, it's for real.