Six months later

Oh take me back to the start
And I'm thinking about those days

I don't feel like loving you no more

but you'll always be my hero
even though you've lost your mind
and it's sick that all these battles
are what keeps me satisfied

Sound like broken records playing over

Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy

I'm looking through my old diary, so funny. About two and a half years ago, when we got together again after our first breakup.

"Anyway and I figured it would be awkward between Draco and I because it had been up until then, but it wasn't... Well we didn't talk much, but we talked a little, and he gave me a massage, lol (don't ask). And it felt like there was something going on between us, and I mean it's obvious I never got over him. We were together for three months if you count it all together (we had a months paus), and i mean he's been my biggest love.. ah well."

Hilarious. I thought three months was long.

I kept looking through my diary.

"And then he got upset again and said he didn't understand me and that I'm so emotionless sometimes and that he hated that cos he had never felt like this and he had never pined after a girl who were so hard to catch - but I dont get al of that because I'm so his. Completely week for him."

"And I said: 'well do you think I'd care and get hurt by things you do if I wasn't in love with you?" And he said he was just afraid and irritated that a girl had that hold over him, that he was always worried about me and that. That he feels like he shows to much emotion, he's not his regular boyish self, he's sweeter when he's with me and appaprantly he thinks that's a bad thing. He's not used to being a sweet bloke who's always hugging me and kissing me and giving me compliments and smiling and just snuggling in his bed. 'It's like you've taken my manliness away,' he said. That made me upset.
'Well sorry, then if being in a relationship and hugging and kissing and showing emotion is too unmanly for you then I suppose we should just break up yeah?'
'That's not what I mean,' he protested. 'I'm just not used to being like that. And sometimes I get afraid that I'm losing myself being to sweet with you. Like you make me more emotional and..' 'That's a good thing, Drake, because you used to be a dick,' I said. He looked up at me and started smiling slightly. It sort of solved our issues, for now."

"he like 'yawned' and got his arm round me you know, lol, and then he was like 'come give me a hug' so I did because I mean... I couldn't resist him, never could that, and he moved his hand up towards my boobs and I was like whooa. Because I thought he did NOT want this at all, since we'd been fighting and everything and he said he'd gone tired of me (back when we broke up). Anyway he touched me and said "Pans, I miss you" and I snuggled up to him but at the same time I said protestingly 'Draco... are u just saying these stuff because you're horny or do you mean it...?'

Bloody hell, that was embarrassing to read.

What else? I turned a few pages, finding my sixteenth birthday.

"'Come here birthday girl,' Draco greeted me and pulled me in, kissed me in front of everyone and I felt so happy. He really likes me, I thought. He placed me in his lap and put his arms around me while I was beaming. We were all talking over a cigarette. I turned to kiss him. He stroked my hair and then as I sipped my drink he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek several times 'I love you.' I couldn't breathe, I was so warm and my heart was beating so fast. I was beaming again. It was the first time he had said that. 'I love you too,' I gave him the biggest smile and kissed him. I barely dared to look at him. He made me so happy."

The memory made me smile. However when I skipped ahead quite a long bit, I found something that snapped me back to the grey reality.

"I thought Draco was God and that he treated me as a goddess. I'll say it again. How naive I was."

The sad thing was that that was still very true.

"How many times would I let him do this before I decided it was enough?"

Merlin, I was so weak for him, I thought. I was naive and patethic, falling for everything he did – his evil charm. It's not until you remember how you used to be that you realise how much you've grown, or so I thought. I was glad I wasn't that person anymore.

I was excited for my last summer holidays before my last year Hogwarts, and I was equally as excited to spend time with my friends and not think about any boys for a while. I thought back on the past six months – hardly spending any time with the lads, and whenever we did, Draco and I wouldn't speak. It had been a bit awkward, which was unavoidable, I supposed. Yet we have both been polite to each other – I just didn't feel like seeing him. I needed that. We won't ever be together again.